I have been reading and responding to some posts, but haven't posted of my own saga in several weeks. <p>This past Sunday, I moved into an apartment. It was the most depressing day of my life. The U-haul being loaded up (by our friends, nephews and brother-in-law, along with my husband) was almost too much to bear. I was in a zone where the only things going on were basic bodily functions - like walking and breathing. I honestly couldn't do any more than that.<p>The decree was issued on Jan. 14 - so we are officially divorced. I think this must be some sort of speed record. He filed on 10/26. We didn't really do anything until an agreement was drafted in late Dec. I signed the agreement on 1/9 and BAM! 5 days later it is a done deal. My life is moving faster than I can process. <p>Additionally, I confirmed on Sunday morning (before the move got underway) that he definately has something going on with a co-worker. I finally nabbed his e-mail password and got into his work e-mail and there is no doubt. There weren't any messages as blatant as "I enjoyed sleeping with you last night". But, the writing was so clear, my 5 year old could have followed the trail. This felt like an absolute kick in stomach. I am surprised at level of physical reaction I am having to this. My heart actually aches like I am having a heartattack. I truly apologize if I have not been very understanding to others' posts regarding the discovery on any type of A. I honestly did not understand that anything could feel this debilitating.<p>Our divorce was not based on an affair or anything like that. We have had problems with communication over the years and I have never fully trusted him or been open with him. My depression led me to embezzle funds from my company - I was fired from a 6 figure executive job, investigated by the FBI, prosecuted federally and sentenced last summer. The judge departed from the sentencing guidelines and gave me probation and 6 months in a halfway house instead of prison. The gov't appealed the sentence, so I am currently in limbo and have not done the halfway house time yet. I have been in individual therapy for 19 months and have made tremendous strides in becoming the person God intended me to be. We were working on rebuilding a relationship (you know 2 steps forward, one back) when in August he told me he just couldnt' do it anymore. He felt we needed to move on and we would be better able to heal from all of this if we were divorced. I told him I was not ready to concede and asked if he would please go to 6 counseling sessions. We started some MC, but I think he had already checked out. So, in Oct when he filed I still didn't want to give up, but had very few resources in my arsenal to defend with. A big issue was custody. I had to walk a very fine agreeable line with him because I had no legs to stand on in a court battle given my recent history.
I will say I am a wonderful mother - he is the first to say this. And I am a good person. One of the reasons the judge departed in my case is that 35 people wrote letters and testified about how out of character this was and what a great person I am. I sure don't believe it much of the time (never did -which was a big part of the problem), but friends and family have stuck like glue throughout this entire ordeal.
Anyway, so I signed the agreement and believed him (sort of) when he adamantly refused to acknowledge the presence of a third party. One thing that kept striking me funny was that he had been beside me for 12 months after the embezzlement came to light and then like night and day he said "we need to move on". Something in me just KNEW there was more to the story. Some of my closest confidants (like his sister) kept telling me to stop trying to figure out if there was anyone else because then I would be putting my focus on THAT as the reason for our breakup and abdicating my responsibility.
I have taken responsibility for the devastation my acts have caused. I fully accept anything that comes my way. I have lost so much. By having an A come to the surface just rounds out the picture. It is just more truth of the horror of our situation.
One thing that really gets me is he is still acting like I am the pathological liar and he is Honest Abe. We have had many deep conversations over the past few months and he has continued to maintain that THERE IS NO OTHER PERSON IN THIS. He is not even interested in ever dating. That is not what this is about.... Many of you know the drill. In my mind, I know that this other person is NOT what this is all about. I know how badly our relationship was damaged by the bombshell of my actions. I know in what terrible shape it was in to begin with - which allowed this behavior to occur undetected by my husband. We were not in a healthy place and I am fully responsible for a large part of that. BUT, THIS STILL HURTS LIKE HELL AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO???<p>More ironic, is now that I am actually gone (which he seemed to really want AND FAST) is that he calls me all the time to check in. Tells me how low he feels. Told me this morning that "who knows what may happen in the future, we may actually be able to put all this back together again". HUH? Next weekend he was taking our oldest son skiing for his birthday and now he asked me to go (and the other kids) and make it a family outing. My head is spinning. My heart is broken. I honestly don't know what to think. <p>What in the world is going on?

tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life wiffle, use what you know about you and life now, and make it a good life...what's done is done, do not look backward or you will walk into a pole and hurt yourself (been there done that)...good luck.

I wrote a little note to you on the step-parent thread... this is the saddest story I've read around here in a long time!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I am very sorry for your pain.<p>Wiffle, the one thing I've finally figured out is that taking responsibility for our actions is the first step toward healing. You're doing that, and you have the strong support of your friends and family -- YOU WILL SUCCEED.<p>Best wishes, and I hope (and will pray) that you don't have to do prison time.

Thanks for replying Sheryl and SNL! It somehow does help to know that someone somewhere is at least reading and responding.
I do realize how lucky I am to have the life ahead of me that I do. Wonderful things await. I have no idea what they are, but they are there.
The pain I am feeling right now will subside - my control needs want it to subside right now!
My xh and I will remain friends (at least) because we are both dedicated to our 3 precious children. We will somehow get through this.
I just have moments where I can't stop crying and I can't imagine even getting up from this chair.
I know I have to just BREATHE through those moments, but my gosh it is so hard. <p>There is an elderly woman at our church who has certainly seen her share (plus some) of heartache and tragedy in her time. She has a great saying that I keep repeating - "Life ain't for sissies."<p>So true, I just didnt' realize quite how strong one needed to be.<p>Thanks again for your ear and your heart.

Wiffle,<p>Of all of the things you said I feel the last paragraph is something you need to focus on.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>More ironic, is now that I am actually gone (which he seemed to really want AND FAST) is that he calls me all the time to check in. Tells me how low he feels. Told me this morning that "who knows what may happen in the future, we may actually be able to put all this back together again". HUH? Next weekend he was taking our oldest son skiing for his birthday and now he asked me to go (and the other kids) and make it a family outing. My head is spinning. My heart is broken. I honestly don't know what to think. <hr></blockquote><p>Wiffle, now is the time to Plan A. Quit "thinking" and follow his lead. He is asking you to join him. If you want to be with him and enjoy being with the children and him, go. I said "GO skiing". [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Don't over analyze this.<p>I suspect that perhaps he may have had an EA as you said, but you two are now divorced. Yet, he is asking YOU to go with them. Go enjoy the time do your best Plan A and see what happens. His statement my prove to prophetic. It may not, but you won't know unless you let go, be the person you can be and enjoy yourself.<p>It appears you may have more trials and tribulations to come, so take this time to quit examining and let life roll abit. I am not discounting your hurt for what you have found and suspect, but don't let it convince you to miss opportunities.<p>OK?<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Wiffle, <p>So what did you decide? Did you go skiing
with the family or not?? <p>Sounds like it would be a lot of fun..and would get your mind off things

I hope the reason for not answering is that you decided to go with your family.
I hope you had wonderful time and successful planA.
Keep going like that.
You have a chance so go...

Hey all,
Actually the skiing weekend is not for two more weeks - but I think I am actually going to go.
We have had some good conversations over the past few days. Lots of cooperation and discussion regarding the kids. Seems as if we are getting along better NOT being married to each other.<p>Thanks for asking. I will definately update after the trip!

Wiffle:
Thank you.
LC<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Life Choices ]<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Life Choices ]</p>

Don't laugh Wiffie. My H and I actually know one couple who lived together for 4 years, got married and did nothing but fight day in and day out. They divorced and are living together again now for over 6 years and very happy. It can and does happen.<p>Rita