Hi All,
Just popping in to get some input.I have been dating this terrific man now for over 4 months. We enjoy every minute we are together. He really feels right for me. We can talk about everything and anything. We have both been really burned bad and are taking this really slow. I really think I can have a good future with this man. Now for the problem, my ex-husband. His new marriage to OW is going to hell (surprise surprise)and he has been calling me alot more again and I have had to spend time with him because of my son. I find myself missing him more again. I know if I were to choose it would be my boyfriend but that tie to my ex is still there. Is this normal? I mean we were married for 17 years. I've been kind of depressed lately because this has been weighing heavily on me. I want a new life I just seem to be having trouble letting go of my old one. <p>Jill

Jill,<p>hugs and strength. . . . are you keeping up with personal counseling? I hope so, with the counselor would be a good place to discuss the feelings. . .<p>Second, have you brought the new BF to any son's games or gatherings? I wonder if your X still thinks you are available. . . . how do your children take this new person? would it be acceptable to them to take him to a gathering? Would the X get the message?<p>One of MB tenets is to respect your marriage when in Plan A or B, and the converse is to respect other's marriages. . . . Can you change your perspective on your X to look at him as just another married person? are your conversations getting away from the children and getting more personal? <p>When my X starts in with her negativeness about anything and everything, I just remain silent. . . and let her talk, until she realizes that i am not participating in her negativeness or misery. I do not share her view of reality. . . so i ask you, do you share your X's view of reality? If not, do not converse with him as if you do. . . <p>I realize it might be hard, but being generally agreeable may give the wrong signal to the X. are you a generally chatty and agreeable even if you don't, because you are afraid to hurt his feelings? just be careful of the interpretation he might have. . . be very clear and maybe you need to end your conversations as soon as it gets personal . . . .<p>just my opinion, but it must be the reasonable people that finally wake up, and not the emotionally damaged that can't figure it out. . .<p>good luck. . .<p>tom

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong>One of MB tenets is to respect your marriage when in Plan A or B, and the converse is to respect other's marriages. . . . Can you change your perspective on your X to look at him as just another married person? are your conversations getting away from the children and getting more personal?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Good point, Tom. He IS married and even tho it may not be a good marriage, it's not time to start thinking of him as "available" in any sense of the word. <p>I think you should keep your eyes forward, Jill. Don't look back. You said it yourself.....<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know if I were to choose it would be my boyfriend....<hr></blockquote><p>Well, guess what? You DO get to choose. Use your head and not only your heart. WHY would you choose your boyfriend? Think out the reasons....<p>WHAT are you missing about your H....what was or what MIGHT be? <p>Anyway, what a weird position you are in....I'm just giving you food for thought...<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Hey jillybean<p>I think it is possible when we have contact with our ex's that old feelings re-surface. It is difficult to remain neutral to somebody that you shared a life with, that is reasonable. Its easy to let them back into our emotions, I think the thing to do might be to rationalise everything. Remember why you got divorced, the pain and the reasons. Maybe write those down, and when you do start to think, hey maybe, just maybe there is a chance we get back together, you take out that list and then you remember exactly why you are not with this man any longer. I know it is difficult.<p>For few days after my XH came to collect his things I was totally thrown off balance again. I hurt all over again. I felt rejected once again. I felt bad, but the good thing was that those feelings didn't last that long. I know now that to leave that marriage was a good thing for me, no matter what [censored] may come, the marriage, at the end of the day, was not good for me. In a way I will always have feelings for him, although I do hope they will fade to just a faint glimmer of a memory.<p>Pantha

Hi Jillybean. Good to meet you. <p>I have given a reply on laura_lee's post about breaking up, which may help. If you check that one out, it will save me retyping it!! I believe we always have a connection with our ex, the trick is to change the way you see it. I believe there will always be a little bit of the "maybe we could have made it work again" feeling. It is terribly difficult to let go of the past, but that is what it is. Sometimes when the ex sees us happy in a relationship that was formed in a legitimate way - that is, we did not develop this relationship as an affair but as an evolving, truthful, normal relationship and they see how happy we are, they begin to have regrets over where they are in their life, and the relationship that they have because it has no strong and truthful base. They do the nice things and press the buttons that make us feel good, in order to ensure that some connection still exists. They know how to do that so well. This gets us wondering that perhaps things could have worked out etc. But they don't. I know that as i took my husband back for a number of months after he lived apart from me for 6 months, and it didn't work in the real world, as the trust basis of our relationship was not there, despite the other attractions.<p>I have found that slowly exposing my new partner to situations where my ex was in attendance (no contact between them was had but he could see the strength of my new relationship) and keeping talk between us friendly and only about the kids, i was able to develop a different type of relationship with my ex, which has been beneficial to all, including my children.<p>Hope this helps.<p>Oh, and I also agree with what all the other's have said too. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

You know how I feel....

Jilly,<p>So is this the same you man you were seeing a few months ago? Or someone new? <p>My counselor told me recently...a good rule of thumb for new relationships...<p>If you can share everything up front about your life..RUNNNNNNNNNNN....because they get the impression that your 'needy' and that you need them..and then they can control you easier..later
on...just something to think about..

I kind of "second" what Thorned Rose said, but for different reasons...<p>If you can talk about anything and everything when you first meet someone then your filters aren't in place and neither are theirs. Alot of the time, you or they may actually have an issue there, but in the spirit of keeping things light and giving the APPEARANCE of compatibility--people will let things slide by.

Hi All,
Sorry its taken me so long to respond back but I'm never on the computer anymore. <p>When I wrote this post for one thing I was PMSing which really kind of screws up my thinking. For another I wrote it fast and some things really didn't come across like i meant them. <p>For starters I do not nor will I ever take my ex back into my life. I do however continue to feel like I still in some ways need to take care of him. That alone i know is a habit that I must break but after 17 years its a hard one to do. <p>As for my EX's marriage being sacred ect. I'm sorry but that I won't agree with. SHE had no problem with messing with a married man and as far as I am concerend u reap what u sow. But i will not be the one to break up their marriage. <p>As for my BF. He is a very loving but to the point man. When I say we talk about everything I don't mean everything. There are alot of things that are left unsaid for the time being. But I feel like I can talk freely to him about certain things and feelings that I never could with my Ex.
Is that so wrong??<p>We have fun together. We have alot of the same interests. We like the same food, music, movies.
Neither one of us is really needy and we are both independant in away but we make sure we have time for eachother. We have both had similar experiences with our EX's. My kids really like him and his son likes me. <p>Anyway I'm fine. I'm very happy. I just get kind of blue once in awhile.<p>Thanks to all,<p>Jill

Jilly, <p>Just making sure..I am really happy for you..
but you didn't say...is this same man you were
seeing a few months ago?

Hey Jillybean...<p>I know how you feel. I think taking it slow is good. Why rush? Enjoy yourself.<p>As far as your ex... I'm with ya on that one... ya reap what you sow.... she had no problem taking a married man to her bed... so what she gets ...oh well, ya know... its her problem. <p>I know you would feel like you need to take care of your ex... you're right on when you say... its hard to break the habit.... after so many years.
I too feel like I could tell my ex where to go and how to get there... but, honestly.... if he came to me with a problem... I think I would probably help him.<p>Keep your chin up....<p>Take care.... good luck to you...<p>HAVE FUN !!! you deserve it....<p>s

Thorned Rose,
No this isn't the guy with all the ex wife problems and the little kids. That came to a abrupt end when I finally came to my senses. This man I have been dating since mid October. <p>He is 40 yrs old with a 18 yr old son.<p>Jill

jillybean36:
,
No this isn't the guy with all the ex wife problems and the little kids. That came to a abrupt end when I finally came to my senses. This man I have been dating since mid October. <p>He is 40 yrs old with a 18 yr old son.<p>TR- I think thats wonderful...I AM REALLY GLAD that you got rid of that last guy..(and was so HAPPY to read it wasn't HIM!! Especially knowing what it was like)<p>This guy does sound so much better for you [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</p>