Hello All:<p>My wife and I are now legally separarted. We signed the papers about two weeks ago. I have been trying to not fall in a hole since that day.<p>I am walking out of the door almost as I type this to try to look for work as I was laid off just after my wife left me. I do not know why these things are happening to me, but I am losing hope fast and losing my faith in God even faster. I am walking around in a funk most of the time and sleep too much despite being on antidepressants and seeing a therapist.<p>My IM buddies, Nina, Anna2000, FaithfulWife and Deb have, everyone of them, been 'there' for me when I needed it. Well, I need it now....I sometimes get very scared for the future. I feel as if another bad thing is always waiting to happen to me at any moment. I also feel as if I am going to throw up, this all hurts too much.<p>I know that my life is not as bad as some, but I do not have the energy for the 'it could be worse' game. I know it could be worse. My wife, my best friend, treats me like a stranger. I am extremely alone and I do not know what to do.<p>Someone, anyone please respond to my post! Say anything, please.<p>
Thank you,
vb_guy

VB Guy, Just wanted to let you know I read your post and saying a prayer for you. There are lots of us listening...<p>HM

I hear your pain. I am sorry you are here.<p>It sounds like you are doing all the right things: seeing a therapist, on antiD's, being honest (expressing losing faith in God), seeking help: IM buddies, letting go: signing separation papers... unfortunately there is no majic formula - if you do x+y=z. Just remember it is only for a season. Someday, it will pass and things will get better no matter what the outcome is. I too was very angry at God: just express it to Him - He can handle it. He knows your heart anyway. Maybe get a medcheck. Of course doing this will not make it all better - we just gotta walk through it one day at a time. Feel the pain - it is real and a part of the healing. <p>I'm really sorry for your pain. I wish there was something I can say to make you feel better. We are here for you, your not alone.

Hey vb_guy,<p>I know it's tough. Very Tough. My W and I have been married for 9 years. We have two small ones at home. About nine months ago it all started between W and OM. W then tells me she has no love for me anymore, wants out, ect. Just like you and others on this site. Did I see this coming? NO WAY! <p>I gave her D papers a few months ago. You know why? It was time. I did all I could do to get my W back, but nothing. I wished it could work out, but she has not tried since day one. NOT ONE TIME!I asked W a few weeks ago to work on us. She said no. That's why I had to do this for me. Yes, I am hurting, but I feel better that I am moving on. This person that I loved and trusted for nine years is no longer with me. I can walk away knowing that I did all I could to make this work. Was I ready four months ago to do this? No. I am now.<p>But you know what vb_guy? Everything gets better. It always has for me. Life is too short to live the way I have for the past 9 months. 2001 was the worst year of my life and I want to change for a better life. I know it's scary out there, but for me, things are not getting better.<p>Good luck and hang in there - It will get better!<p>Keep in touch<p>Dino

I understand totally; I'm wrestling with similiar issues.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I know that my life is not as bad as some, but I do not have the energy for the 'it could be worse' game. I know it could be worse. My wife, my best friend, treats me like a stranger. I am extremely alone and I do not know what to do.<hr></blockquote><p>Exactly. I am trying to ENJOY bieng alone. That is a tough one. I have two divorced sisters, I go out w the one that lives closest; movies, clubs..<p>I find that not bieng alone is a slow process. It just takes time to establish new links..<p>I also think that while I hurt I'm not good company anyway..<p>Take it easy on yourself. Don't think you deserve this, or aren't worthy.. it'll take time to heal. Healing comes from inside, not from others. <p>This is just a bridge to a better time..<p>Dan<p>Dino09 - my wife was the exact same way.. is it us or them?!<p>Also - I gotta highly recommend "The Language of Letting Go".. it's just great for me in this time..<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

Hi vb_guy,<p>Sorry for how you are feeling. It does get better with time although I had a really bad week last week, as it was the two year mark of when my STBXH moved out. I posted....<p> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=005444 <p>....and got some good replys. It is a very lonely and painful road to walk. Why does God allow that? I truthfully don't know.<p>While I am feeling somewhat better, the future is still unknown and I don't have a great deal of hope that I'll ever be happy, fulfilled, part of a "team" again....ever. <p>All I do have is a little bit of faith that God is still there...still in control....still looking out for me. I hope it's true.<p>I'll say a prayer for you. Keep the faith.
Aloha,
Ms.O

Hey VB guy,<p>I don't know if you follow my story at all but I truly understand what you mean in your post.<p>2001 was a bad year. I lost my best friend, my husband, my job security, and my faith in myself. I even grew apart from God somewhat because I was so tired from just getting thru each day that I neglected my quiet time, church more often than I should have, and I also failed to get out with other christian believers. I never lost my faith in God but boy did I ever wonder what the heck He was testing me for.<p>I don't have any magic answers. Sure wish I did. I just deal with each day, and by God's grace, I get through it. I'm learning to be happy. I'm much more stable in my own emotions so I'm dealing better with the failure of my marriage. I have momentary lapses but overall I'm ok. It's been 10 months since my H moved out so maybe it's just time that has healed me but I really feel stronger. For at least 6 months, people on this forum would say work on yourself, learn to make yourself happy, etc ,etc. I didn't understand that until now. My wish for you is the same peace I now have.<p>Good luck and remember, you are not alone.<p>BTW, I have a great job now, way more responsibility than I think I can handle some days but I'm getting paid well for it. Even got my own American Express Corporate Card this week. Pretty cool, Huh? <p>Hey, things should be ok for you. VB programmers rule, ya know????? I'm dipping into SQL server and crystal reports now. I was pretty happy with Fox Pro 6.0 but I suppose I have to grow up with the rest of the world [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck and God Bless. Hang in there. Lynn

(((((VB)))))<p>It is so very hard to wake up and realize you are alone...so many of us are going through this. Just remember you may live alone, but you are not alone. You are in many hearts.<p>You will not live alone forever either, so take this time to become a better person, to find things that make you happy and take this time to love "yourself". When the time comes for you to find that special person, and this will happen, then you will be a much better, healthier person and ready to make that step and commitment again. Just try hard to enjoy this time alone, to think, to dream and to become the person you want to be.<p>Take care guy and c'ya on IM.<p>ANNA

Your feelings of lost hope is normal --- it is hard to think things will ever get better. Let me give you a little thought: Look at the sky at night, through the darkness there is light to follow ---- day. With each day we are given an new opportunity to start new. Our attitude is controlled by US ---- NOT someone else. However, you can let your past experiences influence your attitude ~ thus your outcome will be forever grey.
How do you know that all this didn't happen so that you could experience better things? A job is just that ---- a job. Its not your life. You is what makes "your" life, no one else. Don't let your wounds get infected as somone once told me, heal yourself. God is ALWAYS there ~ "Faith is what tells us to TRUST in something greater than ourselves". Don't doubt in GOD simply because you have been delt a bad hand --- turn your sour grapes into wine. You will be OK.

Hi VB Guy-<p>My heart goes out to you. Like so many of us here 2001 was a very bad year for me too. I lost my husband, who although full of problems, I loved very much, had our fourth child, H walked out when I was three months pregnant, and lost my dad to lung cancer. So I can fully relate to wondering how much God thinks we can handle. The past year has tested my faith, but it is getting better.<p>Hang in there. You have been such a trooper through all of this with your wife. It just goes to show that bad things do happen to good people. I still believe that all things happen for a reason and as cliche' as this sounds, you will be a better, stronger person because of this.<p>The seperation, divorce stuff is really difficult at first. I will be divorced in a month and I can honestly say that even though we are now negotiating and things are not going smoothly, I feel much better now than when I first filed. Yes, I filed even though he wanted the divorce. I did it to protect myself and the kids financially. At first I was devestated. I took my vows very seriously and couldn't believe it was happening. Now as things progress I am able to see that I did all that I could and it is getting easier to take. I believe this will happen for you too, it is just too fresh right now. <p>I feel for you. If only our WS's could get even a glimpse of the pain they cause. Keep us posted. We are here for you.<p>K

Man Oh Man:<p>What great people there are in the world. Thank you all. <p>Let me see if I can address you each in turn:<p>Harmonious Melody: Thank you, thank you for your prayers and your post. I will pray for you, too. It all helps.<p>
notheard: "I'm really sorry for your pain. I wish there was something I can say to make you feel better. We are here for you, your not alone."
Just you saying that I am not alone has helped me to feel less alone. Thank you.<p>
Dino09:"But you know what vb_guy? Everything gets better. It always has for me. Life is too short to live the way..."<p>You are right, Dino....Things do get better. It is just very tough to 'hang in there' until they do. I am taking your post to heart and will be looking for the bright side. Thanks to you.<p>
Family Man: I think that this IS a bridge to a better time and I will be gettting that book you recommended. Thanks.<p>
Ms.O: I have followed you from your transformation from Mrs.O to Ms.O. You have given me inspiration when you did not even know you were doing it. You seem like a great lady to ME! Any sane man would be proud to be on your 'team'.<p>
peoplepleaser: I have followed your story, too. Hearing of your new job made me happy for you and gave me hope for myself. I am a vb programmer, exprienced SQL query writer, and can design an OK database. Hope there's work out there! Keep up your good work and much luck in your career.<p>
Anna2000: As always, the calm voice. I have been working on myself, but had recently become stalled. Your walking advice IS paying off. My legs are more toned and I feel physically stronger. How is YOUR study of SQL coming? You have a good mind for it. God Bless,
Vb.<p>
BRIDGETTEGILLMAC: Your words regarding faith are very inspiring to me. Your words about the light and the dark and the past and the future are poetic and profound. I am deeply touched. <p>still reeling: Gosh, can I relate to your pain. I lost my Dad to lung infection in 2001. That is a pain that does not go away quickly. You have let me know that I am NOT alone and that I have more friends than I knew. Thank you, thank you.<p>
To all of you: I have rarely read words which have had such a profound impact on me. You are all great writers and even better people. Just knowing that you cared enough to reply to my post has helped no end. I shall keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.<p>God Bless you all,<p>vb_guy

Hi vb,<p>I just wanted you to know I read this, and I am sending you mega amounts of healing love and light.<p>((((((((victoria bitters guy))))))))<p>Jacky

VB-guy - I and H (SNL) are looking into divorce. Yes I feel hurt inside, but you know what, I have been hurting inside for years. SNL didn't treat me special, just one of the kids to take out to dinner, and do things with. SNL didn't want to take me out just with him, said, he felt taking the kids was going out on a date. <p>Things sound like they have been rough. But just like counseling with Steve today, things will be rough, you will feel like giving up on life, and you have to fight that. Being on antidepressants, and finding medical help is good. One step that is protecting yourself. Through this all, I have realized I am the only one who will protect me. There is no one in this world that will protect me, besides my H, which I really don't have. We are married by paper only. As you can read from SNL posts, he doesn't feel married, and doesn't want to be married to me. <p>I am going to get individual counseling, to help me get through this. If need be I will go in the beginning 2 or 3 times a week. But STeve said it will get better. Life for 2001 was pretty crappy for me, (SNL affair and my dads illness) and 2002 is starting out pretty miserable too. I lost my good friend, my father. We were very close, and this was so hard to watch him die with cancer Jan. 2, 2002. I still have a hard time going to my parents house, and seeing all the signs of dads things there. <p>You are a good person, even though there is no one to tell you so, I know I don't have many to tell me either. God I feel I have lost. SNL didn't want to go to church starting in fall of 2001. Going to church service for x-mas he attended but was woe is me during the service, hands holding his head while he slouched in the chair. He was thinking about his lover, and what she was doing. We went out to dinner, and it was terrible. I kind of don't trust God now. It is hard for me to say this, but I have lost faith. I pray for others, so God can hear their crys, but I feel he has left me. I will pray for your crys of despair.<p>I don't have anything really to tell you that is positive. Things here are not that good, and I basically feel like h*ll. SNL is getting what he wants, and he will be happy, good for him. He is getting freedom to go out and date others and actually if he wants to go back to his other sexual woman, he has the freedom. No marriage, so if he wants the sexual contact with her, he can do so without any (remorse quilt - NO) whatever he feels, to this day he still justifies his affair.<p>You know, talking to a counselor is good too. I feel that is the only thing that is going to help me out. Nothing that SNL says is postive, he is actually a very negative person. Therefore, he feeds the depression I am already in. Losing a loved one is difficult, with during the holidays spending time in the hospital, and then at home with a terminally ill patient is hard. <p>I would say that your wife is making a big mistake. You know that the affair will not make a good marriage partner. Maybe she needs to get burned, that is what I am saying about SNL, he will get burned also. You can't say you have not warned your W, about the affair and the OM. But you know, they don't listen to anyone, no counseling, no friends, no MB principles, nothing. They look at what is there for them, and that is it. SELFISH is there #1 drive. In counseling today with STeve Harley, Steve talked about SNL saying (me,me,me). It was stated a lot and Steve has to deal with it. <p>So whatever you do, it just gets sidepassed with the OM doing so little and it fulfills their needs. Will pray for your crys, hope God hears you and someday hears me.

VB
Hey....sorry you are in such pain. It is nice sometimes to come to this board and know that there are other people that are hurting just like you....and that you are not alone in feeling the way that you do. My H left in Aug and is now living with the OW.....it is still devastating to me and we are in the middle of a divorce right now. I do honestly believe that I will be stronger at the end of all of this...and you will too.....although sometimes we won't feel that way way. I sometimes just can't accept the fact that I lost.....my competiveness gets the best of me....she won...and I lost. It actually pi**es me off!. <p>I also don't have a big high paying job like my H....so finances scare me to death....But it will somehow work out...(don't be asking me how....cause I don't have a clue!)<p>I also wonder how I will ever meet someone....I am 42 yrs old....where the heck am I going to meet someone special???<p>You do need to stay strong...do things for yourself...(I started school)....start making a plan for yourself and follow through with it....and keep smiling...<p>Max

It sounds like WE ALL FEEL LIKE THIS. This must be a downer week for everybody because I feel this way too.<p>God must be carrying us all, whether we know it or not, through this hard time. I was listening to book "Boundaries" on tape and the authors said that it's ok to be angry at God sometimes because until we get through our anger, we can't feel the love.<p>God does love the suffering soul, more than we could ever imagine, and I know He doesn't want to see us in pain. Unfortunately, we don't get to see the big picture, the big plan for our lives, and in moments like these it's hard to see why we are suffering. Is it because we have a lesson to learn? Is God testing our faith? our patience? Is our pain going to lead us to a better, more fulfilling life? <p>We can't know, and that is what is frustrating.<p>I've been having a hard time resigning myself to the fact that my WH is just so selfish that he doesn't care who he hurts - the kids, his family, his friends, his soul, the OW's kids, the OW's family, etc. But when he just wants to bury his head in the sand like an ostrich and pretend that he's not hurting anyone and that everybody's going to be ok no matter what he does, you know there is no hope.<p>I know we all feel like we've lost the war - but maybe we've just lost the battle. The war isn't over yet. And it's taking every ounce of my stregth to say that I'm not going to let WH and his bad decisions win the war!<p>I'm going to fight to get myself back on track, to keep my kids healthy and make a better life for myself. I've been learning alot about myself and my WH in Plan A and have learned about all the problems he has, that he may never ever change, in his life, and I have too much self respect to be a victim of his bad personality traits - especially the ones he's exhibiting now -any longer. <p>There is a much better life out there for me and my family, and maybe even a better person, who knows the value and meaning of the word committment and love and marriage. <p>We'll all pull through. Keep venting here and day by day it will get better. K

God is in Control - I liked the statement that you said your H is so selfish that he sticks his head in the sand, doesn't care who he hurts. My H (the WS) (is SNL) has said the same thing. The kids will get over it, the BS will get over it, the family will get over it. H talks about me, me, me, all for WS. Was noted today in counseling with the Harleys, me........!!!!!! They think they are the only living souls out there. My H said to Steve, that he is a difficult person to understand, and Steve and I don't understand him. Steve quite frankly told him that he chooses to be this way, and that he finds great gratitude in his being analytical. Steve has told him that being analytical may be harmful, but SNL doesn't want to change that, it makes him different, and sort of an ATTENTION GETTER. SNL has had a childhood that lacked giving him confidence and admiration, so he feeds on any attention. Most of the talk today in counseling was about, the same stuff over and over for 9 months SNL has been on the board about what is marriage, what is in-love, what is fitting, what is etc....!<p>Interesting that the WS seem to dwell on themselves, and forget that they have a family they created. I wonder how SNLs (OW) feels about her family? Does she want to start over with someone new? Forget that her 3 grown children exist? That she has 2 little granddaughters? That she has had a H who took care of her for 28 years? How does she feel about the pain she has put her family through? If she has told her family. For when she and H ended their conversing, she was adamant about not telling her H, cause this is her definite 2nd sexual affair during her marriage, and possibly a 3rd. Just chuck the whole thing away, and start over? It doesn't seem to bother her (or she wouldn't have had another affair-human beings don't mean much to her) she and other WS have had their excitement, and like Steve Harley said today their fun. And they want more fun, and don't want to take responsiblity or commitment. SNL was told today, that he is expressing taking the easy way out.

I can't say it's truth that time heals wounds.
More than two yrs after d-day I feel worse than at the beginning. I fell all alone, old, unattractive, guilty for what happened, jellous cause everyone around seem happy and satisfied with a life and I can't see that "daylight coming in the dark night" as mentioned.
Two yrs ago I had a hope that MLC crisis will pass, a yr ago, a month ago, a week ago - even with a baby on the way.
But now when heard he did indeed marry OW, forgot our wovs from 20yrs ago, I am completely devastated.
I am an atheist always believed in "something" not exactly God, but some force in the space.
I don-t know if it is love what I feel now but I am sure that no man in mz life would, could exist ever. I married in a citz hall, but forever.
What is left in life for a woman of 43, too educated, not pretty, not much monez, two kids [YD in fact claims to live with him from Sept,next school yr]/what to live for.
This week mz mom was diagnosed CA vulve, has to go to surgery, again I am left alone in that battle.
So I would like to think that better days are coming/but will I live till arrival
And above all I know that it can go worse and as it goes I expect to be even worse
Wis you more happines than I have

I remember when my ex and I first separated; it was the most horrific period of my life. The divorce proceedings went on forever and the situation grew uglier and uglier. Thinking back, it is amazing I survived. <p>I was married over 16 years, which produced two children. The marriage was plagued with a H who had chronic mental health problems, which turned an emotionally abusive union into one that was intolerable. When I decided to leave, my H didn't plan A or Plan anthing, the abuse turned physical. I had to get a restraining order, which he ignored, he tapped into my computer, had me watched, and would call me at all hours of the day and night. The divorce grew uglier and uglier, he would agree to nothing. I had no money was frantically looking for a job, trying to take care of two kids, and trying to reason with my H. My legal fees were through the roof, I had no money...things were a mess. Then when things couldn't get too much worse, I broke my ribs, my child broke his foot, my heater died in the middle of a major snow storm, and my car died. <p>I survived it. The divorce was final in May. I found a new job, I bought a house, and am slowly recovering. There are nights when I still have nightmares from what happened. I never thought at my age, I would be starting all over, raising two kids alone...but I am. Don't give up hope...never do that. Remember every day is a new beginning...a fresh start. The sadness and loss will eventually go away...maybe not completely, but you will find happiness again. My prayers and thoughts are with you...but it does get better...perhaps not right away, but it will.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by betrayed and desperate:
<strong>What is left in life for a woman of 43</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Dear Betrayged & Desparate,<p>I know exactly how you feel. I am pretty much in the same shoes. I don't feel a whole lot of hope for the future either. My heart goes out to you.<p>I don't know what "is left" for us....but I've got to believe that somehow, somewhere, someway....we will laugh again, we will love again, we will live again. And for me, I believe that I am in God's hands....even tho I can't see or feel it....I am.<p>I don't know how to give someone hope who doesn't believe in God...because I don't believe there IS hope w/o Him. When all else fails, He is there. When I really wrap my brain around that and let it permeate my soul, I picture myself resting...tired, old, used up....in His arms. Sometimes it's all I can do.<p>Don't mean to sound preachy here...but maybe it's time to seek God out. Maybe it's time to get to know Him.<p>Hang in there.
Aloha,
Ms.O

betrayed and desperate & Ms. O:<p>HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyy PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>
If there is ANYTHING in my power to do to help you I will. Though I suppose I am not in much of a position to help, I can FEEL your pain coming through your words.<p>Mid 40's is NOT old!!!!!!!!!! My own mother was a widow until she was 40 and then married my father (who was 52, btw), had me 3 years later and 2.5 years after that, had twins!<p>Please, before you sink any further into despair, keep posting and email me. I will see if I can get both of you into our IM chat room. It has been source of strength and hope for all of us involved.<p>I can be reached at doxies@optonline.net<p>
My best to you both,
vb_guy