Hi everyone, well I'm at that point where I'm undecided about where my marriage will go. One side I wish I could have my wife back and the other side it might be better if we divorce. I'm willing to except both situations. If my wife decides to give us another chance it means a lot of work that I'm willing to do. However, if we divorce I know that there will be hope in the future. I made it clear to my wife that I'm willing to try it again but, she said that there's to much pain. So, I feel that the ball is in her court. If she wants I'm there for her if she doesn't that fine too. I truley love my wife and don't want to pressure her into making a decision.
I guess its just being scared of what the future holds. Does anyone feel like this? Its that emotional rollercoaster of somedays wish I had her back and other days wish it would all just end.
Life is such a gamble!

Hey lostitall!<p>I've been going through that roller coaster since 7/2000. The questions. The uncertainties. Getting back together. Separating.<p>Currently, me and my WS are separated. We got back together mid-April of last year and separated again 1/1/02. Do we ever truly "move-on"???? Even after the divorce? Even if we get remarried?? I wish I had an answer.<p>Two things are certain. I am definitely a better person and working on getting even better everyday. My faith is so much stronger. Without my faith, I wouldn't be able to make it most days.<p>Good luck to you!! I guess we may have the answers one day.

Thanks, Mr fixit,
I have to understand my wifes situation too. She doesn't want to take that chance on our marriage not working again. Eventhough, my marriage was short, only three years she said that I will never change. I was the one who decided on the divorce and now I know the mistakes I've made. However, I feel that She doesn't understand the mistakes that she's made. I tell her that I now realize what I did wrong and that I'm responsible for them but, she can't think of anything that she did wrong. I truley feel that it takes two people to make a marriage work and I now think I know how to make it work with her but, I don't think that she wants to change. She tells me that if it wasn't because of the way I treated her she wouldn't act the way she does. I generally act they way I do by the way that she acted towards me. If she doesn't see how she was treating me then I don't think it can work. Some people tell me that it only takes one person to make a marriage work but I believe it takes two. She needs to understand me also in order for our marriage to work.

Some very important things that I've learned are:<p>1. Positive changes we make on ourselves should only be for ourselves.<p>2. Our behavior towards our wives should not reflect their behavior towards us. We should be the best husbands we can regardless. It's about unconditional love.<p>I too used to be a reflector. You treat me bad and I'm going to treat you bad. Someone has to give or the marriage will.

Have you ever gone to marriage counseling? How about phone counseling here at MB, at least to put you on the right track.<p>Would she read His Needs/Her Needs? or any info. on this site?<p>There are some other books out there like The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis and How One of You Can bring the Two fo You Together. <p>Try some of these ideas before you totally give up hope because the option of divorce will always be there.<p>You'd also be surprised at how convincing the counselors at MB can be when talking about restoring love in your marriage - they have the data, they've seen it happen. <p>Hang in there. K

God is in control: Yes, we've went to counseling but it was a disaster. I really don't think the counselor knew what she was doing. Instead of trying to help make our marriage better, the counselor just made us relive all our arguements. My wife was very upset because she knew that the counselor was messing it up but, I thought that she was just giving up. There is a lot of anger that my wife has towards me. One of the most determining factors to the fall of our marriage was my fear of having children. My wife loves children and wanted them before we evening got married. However, I saw that my marriage wasn't going in the right direction and I held back. I was afraid that we would have children and still end in divorce. So, I told her that I didn't want to have children until I was ready. This was a major blow to my wife, because she felt that I would never want to have children. It wasn't true, I was just waitng to see if our marriage was going to get better before having children. One of the guilts that I will have to live with is that one decision in my marriage. If I did have children would that have saved my marriage or would it have only ended the way it is.

don't have guilt, children do not save a marriage nor make a marriage. that is the bond <love, respect passion> between the married partners alone. they also don't stop divorces and make them harder even when there is nothing left in the love dept <now thats guilt>
staying for the kids is even sadder than realising things are not right and either fixing them or starting over. they learn from you what a marriage should be...<p>your heart told you the right thing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>glad you listened ! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

that is the bond <love, respect passion> between the married partners alone.
Taht is why we are here at Marriage Builders. To respect the marriage vows.

Lotitall and Mr fixit,

My family thinks I am in limbo. My husband left over three years ago. There was no one else in either of our lifes, still isn't.There was just a lot of hurt on both sides. We have stayed separated and I am sure that was what was best. We both needed time to heal and to let God change us. He let the divorce expire and I never ask why.

I wanted the marriage because I knew we both loved each other. We just didn't know how to treat one another. He did not want to work on our marriage at all. I am glad we didn't try now becasue I know we would have not made it. I had to learn what God wanted for marriage. I had to learn how to be a wife. I have let him learning how to be a good husband to God.

Our relationship is great now and we do things together and get along great. It has taken time. I had to allow God to changed me first. I have a web site that taught me God's plan for husbands, wives, and marriage. We can't do it by ourselves and that is why there is so many divorces, even in the church. We think we know what marriages is about but, most of us do not. I suggest that you both go to this site. It will give you hope and give you testimonies of many restored marriages. Not marriages just back together but marriages that are healed and are blessed.

My husband told one of my friends he was thinking about coming home. It will happen soon.

gentle

<small>[ March 13, 2003, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: gentle ]</small>