I haven&#8217;t posted an update in a while because my situation has been stagnant for so long that there was really nothing to post. My H and I have had a remarkable breakthrough last night that I wanted to share with you all and to get even more guidance and inspiration to keep me/us on-track. I will try to keep this as short as possible but I am so excited at the turn of events that I need to share with all who have been helping me along the way.<p>Let me first start off by say that the manner in which we came to our breakthrough was not the path that anyone should take. After being in a &#8220;stalemate&#8221; with my H for so long, I fell off my Plan A the last couple of days and became the LB Queen. I can honestly say that I said some pretty horrible things and made some of the most disrespectful judgments that I couldn&#8217;t blame my husband for wanting to divorce me. It was like Satan had taken over my tongue. Well after LB&#8217;ing for two days straight, my H finally told me on the phone yesterday that he has had it, that I win because I finally broke him down and he wants a DIVORCE and that there is no way shape or form that we will ever be able to work this marriage out. Well this was devastating to me but since I knew the way I acted was totally unfair and things I said were so hurtful, I did not blame him and told him fine, if Divorce is what he wanted then I will file right away so we can get over this. He said he would come over that night and we would discuss what would need to happen to start the Divorce proceedings.<p>Now let&#8217;s skip to last night. I arranged for the kids to be out of the house so he and I can go over what our grim future had to offer. When he got there, there was small chit chat and the atmosphere was very calm. He then started the relationship talk with &#8220;I don&#8217;t want a divorce Michele but we have got to quit doing this to each other&#8221;. We had a two hour conversation with no fighting at all. I told him what I felt was the breakdown of our marriage over the last year and he then proceeded with what he felt was the breakdown and where we went wrong. While a lot of it pointed back to things he was doing wrong, he actually agreed that he could see how I became so negative towards him and our relationship over the year and I could also see what I was doing to cause him to act the way he was and why he didn't want me around anymore. We both were able to finally see how destructive we had become to each other. Sparing you all of the gory details of what our paths of destruction were, we realized during this conversation how each of us shared a part in this and what we needed to do next. We both agreed that marriage is a 50/50 partnership and we need to work at this together instead of trying to 1-up each other on who did what to whom. He agreed he needs to start spending more time with me and the kids and I agreed that I need to not be so negative and become more supportive of him.<p>My H is also dealing with a lot of problems from his childhood that have finally reared their ugly heads once we started having problems. His parents marriage was not the best in the world and he saw them fight on a daily basis and sometimes it was physical fighting between his parents. While his parents are still married 40 years later, the things he saw as a child started coming back out when we started having our problems. I explained to him in our conversation last night the I could never understand what he went through being raised in that type of environment and that I could not be the one to help him through that but that I could only stand by his side and help him through the tough spots. At times through our marriage he would hold it against me because my parents have a great marriage and he resented me for that because my family was a true family and did and shared everything together.<p>By the end of our conversation, we both agreed that we could still have a wonderful marriage and be the couple that everyone admired in the past. I do think the biggest breakthrough in our whole conversation was when my H admitted that he needed to get into counseling to help him deal with all of his inner demons and to find out why he is so angry. To hear him finally say that he needed help from a third party made me cry because he is so against counseling. For the first time during our 6 month separation, he was able to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay and that we can do this together. While there is still no talk of when he is moving home, that really isn&#8217;t my top priority right now. As much as I miss him being there, what I miss most is the happy, strong man that I married 6 years ago and I want to help him to heal and me to heal so we can both heal together.<p>If anyone out there has any suggestions for anger-management books for my husband, that would be great.<p>I hope I have not bored you all with my long winded post and there is so much more of the conversation that took place but I really wanted to share with all that have helped me so much along the way. <p>As always, any input is always welcome.<p>Hugs & Prayers from So. Cal.<p>Michele<p>P.S. JL - You were right, he would come to me and talk relationship when he was ready. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] However, I did not go about it the right way.<p>[ January 24, 2002: Message edited by: sballplyr ]</p>

I am so happy for you. I wish oh so much that my husband could come to a realization like this, but that is not meant to be for now. I don't have any anger management books to tell you about, however, since you mentioned that your husband is dealing with things from his past I would recommend The Wounded Male by Stephen Farmer. I myself haven't read it but is comes highly recommended by a psychologist friend. Maybe it could help.<p>Once again congratulations and best of luck!<p>K

SR - Thanks for the reply and the book suggestion. I am going to head to the bookstore tonight and check it out. Hopefully they still carry the book as it is out of print. Just getting the overview on Amazon.com. It looks like it could be a starting point for him.<p>Michele

(((Michele)))<p>Just got back into town and saw your post. I'm so happy for you. I don't have much time but just wanted you to know I'm praying for your family...<p>
Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sballplyr:
Let me first start off by say that the manner in which we came to our breakthrough was not the path that anyone should take. After being in a stalemate with my H for so long, I fell off my Plan A the last couple of days and became the LB Queen. <hr></blockquote><p>Ever play "Hearts" when you were a kid? What you did is called "shooting the moon." <p>I haven't been posting much here either, for the same reason as you- but you're one of the people in my thoughts, and I'm glad to hear of your progress. Congratulations and good luck.

LH & DABIGTRAIN - <p>Thank you so much for your continued support, prayers and encouragement.<p>Train -<p>I did more than "shoot the moon". I actually shredded it which hurts me to know how bad I hurt him with what I said. I can't apologize enough for what I said but it is in the past now.<p>I will keep you guys updated.<p>Hugs & Prayers from So. Cal.<p>Michele

Michele,<p>I will be praying for you and your husband. Please visit www.restorem.org. It may be helpful to you and your husband. I also have the ebook from their website I would be more than happy to forward to you. Send me an email. I am still praying for my marriage to be restored.
morriggs
morriggs@yahoo.com

Glad to hear some good news on the board. I hope he follows through with counseling. He has taken a great step in admitting the need ... but it is even harder to leap forward into setting an appointment and going. Love him and support him, that's all you can do. Best of luck to you both.

PB & Everyone - <p>I just thought I would share with all of you again that my husband just left my house and when I was walking him out to his car, he showed me the packet from his work to arrange for counseling. YIPEE!! He actually took the steps right away which makes me so happy.<p>I let him know how happy I was that he is seeking help. I also told him not to get discouraged because the first counselor may not be the right one for him. I mentioned to him that I have been researching a couple of different books that might help too and he was really interested and wanted me to check them out from the library so he can read them.<p>I am so excited tonight for him. Just seeing his face tonight, I can tell he is starting to feel some relief from the release of feelings from the other night and steps he is already taking to get some help.<p>I will keep you all posted.<p>Michele

Hey Michele,<p>I am so happy for you and I am glad things are working in your favour. You have worked so hard at this, and I know things will just get better for you guys.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky