Well, I don't know whether to go ahead with my plans to file for divorce right after the holidays or talk to my husband about my plan. Even a therapist told me to get my things in order and not show my hand.<BR>Ok, the situation. I am 12 years younger than my husband, we have been married 10 years with an 8 year old child. He makes far less money than I, hates his job, and has complained about every job he has ever had. He puts me down quite a bit and we only have marital relations once a month. <BR>I have gone into the withdraw stage and refuse to fight back or give into his constant complaining. He never does anything, only complains. My father will not continue to be around him, as it upsets him too much.<BR>I am active with my daughter and the community. He does nothing outside of the the home, work and TV. He is not a slob around the house, on the contrary, he calls us my daughter and I slobs. I had gained wieght during the marriage and found out I was looking for solace in food, because he gave me such little affection. Although I have always been very active (skiing, swiming, etc.)<BR>I have now lost 33 pounds, am running over 2 miles a day and feel great. All this since my decision to ask him to leave.<BR>I can support myself, daughter and the household very easily as I have been doing so for years. In fact I have made all financial and other decisions for years. He never likes to decide anything, just belittle me when my decisions turn out to have errors.<BR>I have set him up with a few rental homes so he has income of his own.<BR>Why do I feel so guilty and selfish then? I really know I can do OK on my own. I am such a strong person on the outside, that I wonder if I created this in him, if it is really my fault. But we have so little in common now. He has no friends, I have many and in more upscale circles. I like to read and discuss politics, general events, enjoy my religious beliefs. He only reads the paper and complains about how the world will end with computers.<BR>I really know I could be happy with a secure man who has goals and ambitions. I know I am a smart woman, who is not lazy, and very capable - but I need someone to talk to at a level of an educated adult, not a child. And unlike most women I read about here, I crave relations with him. I am 37 and vital and would like to have a much more intimate relationship, but he says he is too old, and his time for that has passed. Once a month is not enough for me, but I feel like a hussy in light of his reaction.<BR>(I have a bachelors and almost MBA, he barely graduated from HS)<BR>My plan is to serve with divorce papers a few weeks after the holiday, while I take my daughter out of state for the weekend skiing, so he can deal with the news. He has no idea it has come to this. I have played a strong charade on the advice of my professional counselors.<BR>By the way, his first marriage ended after 5 years due to verbal abuse.<BR>I know this was long, but I just don't know where to go. As I said, the couselor agreed with my decision, but he was nice the other day, so I begin to doubt what I am doing, especially in light of my daughter's future.

Who were your "professional counselors"??? Divorce lawyers???<P>Anna, from what you've said, I see a ton of problems with YOU. You're running away, avoiding conflict, and you're ready to slap divorce papers on your husband. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I really know I could be happy with a secure man who has goals and ambitions. I know I am a smart woman, who is not lazy, and very capable - but I need someone to talk to at a level of an educated adult, not a child.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't see any indication that you would be OK with a secure man who has goals and ambitions. You don't have the marital skills in place to have a relationship survive. And in terms of acting childish, your behaviors appear to be on par with those of your husband's.<P>My first piece of advice is to throw out that counselor you've been using. He's less than worthless---he's probably done major harm. The second piece of advice for you would be to call Steve Harley here at Marriagebuilders (888-639-1639) and set up some REAL counseling. Preferrably with Steve himself (over the phone---he's great), or with someone local who he can recommend.<P>You feel guilty and selfish because you've got a lot to feel guilty and selfish about. I'm not going to kid you---your husband needs to make some serious major changes. But he's probably capable of that with the right guidance, and what you've been doing doesn't appear to have been effective at all.<P>I'd suggest that you give this a 6-12 month period, for your sake, for your husbands, and especially for your daughters. If during this period you can learn to be completely honest with your husband, you work on your behaviors to the best of your abilities, and the marriage still fails---you're not going to have that guilt haunting you for the rest of your life.<P>Your problems are solvable. You just need a coach to help. Give Steve a call.

Giving the papers and running? That just is not right, You have had all this time to think about it and you are going to do this and give him a weekend? He has the right to tell you what he thinks and he has the right to get angry (not Abusive) you have been keeping this from him for how long, and you let these counselors plan how and when you tell him, I think like K if you give him a chance you may be able to work on things they will not be fixed overnight but isnt your family worth a bit of effort on your part, alot of people say it and I beleive it any thing in life worth having is hard work sorry if this sounds harsh and uncaring to you thats not how it is I know how you feel with the needs of your marrage but the way you are going about it could be all wrong.<P>------------------<BR>maybe someday<p>[This message has been edited by LMS (edited December 24, 1999).]

As a man who has been through this, who has counseled dozens and IS a lawyer, the advise you are receiving is poor. It may be the best advise to get divorced, but not for you or your daughter. If he is such a slug, why did you marry him? Could your lack of meeting his needs be part of what is holding him down?<P>If you love your daughter, love her father.<P>Work to make the marriage work. Failure will only breed failure.

I have read your comments to my post and would like to add some things. You have said that I am selfish for just slapping the papers. Please note that I have asked him to get counseling for 8 years and he refuses, telling me he has no problems.<BR>I wrote this letter after a weekend of him calling me a slop chop, clod, spendthrift, etc. I did not stop crying, only asked him, begged him to please stop.<P>Also, he hit my daughter and told me that I caused him to do that because I made him angry. Please note that the situation was on a Sunday, I was answering the phone in response to an ad we were running, working on our business paperwork and asked him to answer my daughter's question, as he was checking to see who I was on the phone with (mind you, he could have answered the phone himself.) He yelled at her for disturbing me and grabbed her, slapped her and threw her in her room.<BR>He spent the weekend at my parents. Everyone was rushing to get ready for dinner on Christmas Eve, my mother asked for him to help my father carry something, he sat in front of the TV and did not move all day long as we did everything.<BR>He called my brothers idiots (they are both accomplished professionals with wonderful families of their own.) He calls everyone something. No one ever can meet his expectations.<BR>Please note that I cannot say anything without being told or accused of something.<BR>"I have to get an oil change for my car this week, as it is due." His response, "You better take care of that car, if you don't I am not getting you another one, you will have to walk to work."<BR>(Mind you, I pay all the bills, including the one for my car, an inexpensive used sedan. I have a perfect driving record and have never had an accident. My car has 110k miles on it. He drives an Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer, loaded.)<BR>Now I can listen to your comments again. I am sorry, I just hurt really bad.<BR>The reason the latest folks have said to serve him without prior knowledge is to have all legal paperwork in place in order to keep my daughter in her home and have custody, of which I intend to share with her.<P>

I am a strong proponent of staying together and working on a marriage especially when there are children. However, I draw the line quickly and firmly when the individual displays the type of behavior your H is. The incident with your daughter sends all kinds of red flags. You need to get to a shelter where your can get some counseling and some space to make a sound decision. The first priority is your daughter's and your safety. I am not saying you should divorce him but his behavior warrents immediate and drastic steps. This move may be the wake-up call that he needs to get him into counseling which he needs desperately.<P>Do not walk RUN!!<p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited December 28, 1999).]

Anna:<P>Based on your elaboration, I'd suggest that you'd probably do well with a separation. I'd still get rid of your current counselor and find one who is willing to work with you on the marriage---even if you are separated.<P>I'd also find the best lawyer you can (perhaps Alex???) and see if you can set up a separation and still retain the rights that you are afraid of losing.

Anna, I wish you had said allot of this in your first post, hitting you or you child IS NOT OK like K said though it don’t mean you cant still work on things while you are apart my H and I are 4000 miles apart and things are getting allot better cause when we talk we don’t just talk we Communicate, it has really helped us get each others point of view on allot of things. <P> Just remember you can walk out of the door but don’t shut it you may not be able to open it later.<BR><P>------------------<BR>maybe someday

Anna, <BR>I am in a very similar situation, and I understand your feelings. I can share your frustration, as I have been in a very similar marraige for 24 years, and am getting ready to file for divorce. Last year the stress of it all got to me and I had physical problems as well as emotional ones, and had to seek counseling. Of course, he refused to go with me, made fun of my need for help, and blabbed to our mutual friends that I was in therapy to embarrass me. His parents had a simiarly abusve marraige, but are still together. Constant verbal abuse is exhausting, it has affected my ability to perform at work. My teenage children hear it all, he especially tries to tear me down in front of them, but his behavior has actually destroyed any respect they ever had for him.<BR> Counseling helped me learn to communicate better, to expect to be treated decently, and to realize that he has a drinking problem. Counseling did help me alot. I, too, have begged my husband to go to marraige counseling for years. He has refused my every attempt, refused to watch videos or read articles about marraige and comunication, just not interested. <P>I understand your decision to get out. From my experience, it will not get better unless he decides to change, you cannot do it alone, no matter what anyone says. Your leaving may be the only thing that will wake him up. I have a friend who lived in a similar marraige for 38 years and just recently divorced. She says she wishes she had not wasted so many years. So... Good luck! <P>------------------<BR>