I've been with my husband for over 5 years, but we've only been married a couple of months. We used to work on all of our problems as they come up, but lately it seems that he doesn't want to work on them. As soon as I bring up something that he has done that has hurt me, he becomes very defensive and starts to bring up things that he tries to blame on me. He always tries to shift the blame onto me, and I always stand up for myself in those situations. I don't let him get away with it, but he keeps doing it. I try to remind him that he did something hurtful to me, not vice versa. Lately, we haven't been spending a lot of time together. We'll be in the house at the same time, but we aren't interacting. He'll be on the computer or on the phone and I'll watch TV or listen to music. Yesterday, we had maybe two conversations over an entire day. The rest of the day was spent with him in one part of the house and me in the other part, doing our own thing. If I'm watching something that he doesn't like, he'll pick up a book and start to read it. Once he's done that, I can't talk to him at all. I'm at a loss. I love him very much, but I'm not getting anything back from him. He loves me, I know that, but I need more than the occasional breakfast conversation to hold this marriage together. The thing that really upsets me is that I have a wonderful co-worker that is like my husband used to be when we were first dating. We have similar interests, we laugh about the same things, we have a really deep connection, we enjoy eachother's company. I truely believe that we were meant to be friends. I remember those days with my husband and I want them back, but I don't know how to do it. I'm not happy, in fact I'm pretty miserable. I've tried many times to talk to my husband but he gets on the defensive automatically and we end up fighting, which always leads to a silence between us. Any help/suggestions/anything would be greatly appreciated.

Moma,<P>For starters I would say approach him with all sincerity and ask him if you and he could do something together. If you already know something he likes than go for that. If not ask him and just communicate that you want to have the chance to get close to him with no ulterior motives. Often when two people can come together and experience some good or relaxing times together then the defensive attitudes come down automatically.<BR>If that is successful and the atmosphere changes for the better it would be a good time to educate yourself (if you aren't already) on what it takes to keep a relationship healthy. If you can draw him into that in a non-threatening way then so much the better for both of you. I know that what I just said is a simple prescription and often complications attend the situation that so easily trip up simplicity. But I wanted to say something since it seems no one has responded to you.

Bruce,<P>Thank you very much for your reply.<P>We did talk about it, and we agreed that if one of us is going to have some alone time that they clear it with the other one first. Not so much for permission, but to make sure that there isn't something that the other person would like to do. I think it's a step in the right direction.<P>We still have some problems with addressing and resolving the conflicts that come up. When we did talk, he ended up walking away and picking up a book. I felt like I was really pushing him to talk to me, especially since he just started reading. At first, he didn't feel like there was any way we could resolve the situation, but after a lot of discussion (some of it very heated), we did finally come to a compromise.<P>Although this one instance is now fixed, I know that another is coming down the pike. Everytime we get something straightened out, and we're happy, something else pops up and causes more friction between us. It's not that I don't love him, because I do....but these constant fights and conflicts sometimes make me wonder if I did the right thing in getting married.

Don't let the conflicts in and of themselves make you question the rightness of your marriage. They would come in one degree or another regardless of who you married. My wife, during the heat of our conflicts, once told me she asked God to forgive her for marrying me with the wrong motivation and that she probably shouldn't have gotten married. How's that to make you feel good?<BR>But I told her that's crap. I said that even if you married me for less than perfect reasons, whatever they were, it's time to either make it work out now or move on, not sit around talking about mistaken past motivations. Form what I've learned marriage is (among other things) a crucible where one learns a higher degree of selflessness if he or she is to make things work. Make the conflicts serve as the razors that shave off the selfishness which is the real barrier to marital happiness. Take it from me, one of the most selfish guys alive.

Hi Moma<P>One week my husband and I painted and re-carpeted our living room, so we had to disconnect our TV. It was the best week EVER! We talked so much, we entertained each other with stories. It was so much fun. Since then, we always make it a point to turn off the TV when we eat dinner, and we TALK to each other about our days, etc. And when we do watch TV, we find something that can entertain us both. If we can't agree on something, we just turn it off. Trust me -- TV is a poisonous time sucker; by turning it off, you’re not missing much.<P>As for getting defensive when you guys fight – I know that all too well. I’m the world’s biggest defense freak, but I’ve learned that, for me, it stems from either feeling totally attacked by the other person or just plain having to be right. Make sure you are approaching your husband in a gentle manner when you’re bringing up things that bother you. If he’s getting defensive and trying to turn the tables, it’s likely because he’s feeling attacked. Don’t go at him with “you always, you never, you – you – you”. Just stick with telling him how YOU feel. And try not to drill things into the ground either. That’s the quickest way to get the other party to simply shut down. State your case and just let it go and give him the chance to do good.<P>As for your “wonderful” co-worker – I'd step very carefully. You’re treading on dangerous ground that can all too quickly cave under your feet. I don’t know how open your relationship is with your husband, but you might want to tell him that you are scared because you find yourself attracted to someone else at work. Tell him that this signifies to you that you’ve been feeling unhappy and that your relationship needs some serious attention. Don’t blame him when you talk to him, just tell him your feelings.<P>Because we are all programmed for self-preservation, learning to fight fair is one of the hardest things to do. But as Bruce said so well: “marriage is a crucible where one learns a higher degree of selflessness if he or she is to make things work”. Think of that next time you approach your husband. I wish you luck! <BR>