<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your situation is quite like what I was going through last year. I had two little girls (3 and 1) and was due with my son in April. My ex H moved out in March to go live with the OW. We had to meet to work out divorce and custody things while I was 8 and 9 months pregnant. I was not very in control of my emotions due to the circumstances and the pregnancy, and am so glad to be off that roller coaster. <p>Our arrangements as far as custody go are every other weekend for the two girls, who are now 4 and 2. He also gets a week at Christmas, a week at Spring Break, and two non consecutive weeks in the summer. Those weeks are hell for me, and it is too long for the girls too. They do well with the two night weekends twice a month, but anything longer is hard on them. The baby (almost 9 months) doesn't go on overnights until age 2, but will start going for full days probably at a year. I nurse, so that comes into play here. (Don't think I'm not tempted to nurse until he's four. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] He sees his Dad once a week for 2 hours when he comes up to take the kids out to dinner. I specified that HE do all the driving. He lives about 1.5 hours away. I have enough to do raising three little ones by myself. <p>What are you doing about the birth itself? My ex H felt he should get to be there. I thought not, that he had abandoned me for the OW, and if SHE got pregnant and had a baby, he could be there for her, not me. He was the last person I wanted there. So I didn't call him when I went into labor. I felt that labor was about me. As soon as Drew was born, I called him so he could come see him. We're talking 5 minutes after he was born. I thought that was a good compromise. He didn't, and was furious, but I say we all make choices, and those choices have consequences. I don't regret it. He isn't there to get up with him in the middle of the night or to change his diaper, or any of the raising stuff, so why should he get to be there for the exciting birth? Do you have someone to be your labor coach? I had very supportive family and friends around me. It was bittersweet for me, as I kept thinking "This isn't how it is supposed to be." But I made it, and it was a nice birth. I really struggled with why God allowed me to be pregnant during that unhappy period of my life. Why would he want to bring a baby into the mess I called my life? But I am in love with my little son, and he brings me such joy and keeps me from being too lonely when the girls are gone with their dad. <p>Anyway, I very much agree with you that anyone that can put their children through this cannot claim to love them. As for me, I could find a better spouse. But the best thing for my children would have been for their father to have stayed and raised them like he supposed to. Anything else is pure selfishness, and I'm not afraid to call it that. <p>Please let me know if you want to talk or if I can help you in any way. I'll be praying for you. My heart goes out to you.<p>Who Am I Now (Krista)

Hi there-<p>I like the name change. I have been considering changing mine because I no longer feel reeling. I feel quite stable.<p>You know I can relate all to well to your predicament. I wish our WH's could see the damage they are doing, but they don't so the best we can do is be the stable one's for our children.<p>My divorce will be finalized next month, but we went to family court as soon as I filed. We went over two issues; money and visitation. Like your WH mine wanted to come and go as he pleased. How convenient for him. He could see the kids when he wanted, but wasn't set into anything in case something better came along. <p>He works shift work so we have a little variance, but here is our schedule. He has every other weekend with the kids. He picks them up on either Friday or Saturday depending on the shift he is on. This is a pain because I rarely get a full weekend, but I can live with it. He has the kids on Tuesday and Thursday nights from 4 to 8 when he is on First (7-3) and Third (11-7) shifts. On second (3-11) shift he takes the youngest two from 7 am to 2 pm. He just started doing this as he has had problems with the baby. You know the whole bonding story already. The baby has just started spending time with him at night. She has also started spending some time on the weekends, but has never done an overnighter. I nurse too so it does raise some obstacles.<p>As you see he doesn't have them nearly enough. Funny though, as we go through our divorce settlement he continually complains about the amount of child support he is paying, but he has yet to ask to have more visitation to even things out.<p>Don't be afraid to get the law on your side and things established legally. Even with no-fault divorce, etc. The law is not in favor of parents walking out on their families, and while that won't bring him back, it will help hold him accountable.<p>I truly feel for you. Keep in mind that right now you are at the most difficult time. It will get better, even if your husband remains an @#$! Always remember that as bad as he gets you can't change him. Accept it and deal only with yourself and things you can change. I have found that once I was able to do this, no matter how bad he still gets, or what he does or fails to do, I am okay and so are my kids. With that has come peace of mind and contentedness.<p>I am always here if you need to talk. Take care of yourself and that baby. Another thing, as for the stress factor. I wish you the best. I was very worried about the effects of stress on my baby as well, but she is six months old today and she is the picture of perfect health. God will watch out for her.<p>Take care and God bless!
K

I have personally experienced joint custody. My daughter is one week with myself and one week with her father. We have had this arrangement for 3 years and I don't recommend it for anyone. It is very hard on my daughter and she never adjusted like everyone said she would. If you are unable to communicate with your ex then your kids will probably have difficulties going with him. My daughter still tells me she doesn't want to go to her dads, she says he hates her and because he gets verbally abusive we are unable to discuss any concerns regarding our daughter. I can't change my arrangement because I can't prove anything wrong with the enviroment she is in. The courts don't care that she doesn't want to go and that she wants to live with Mommy. They figure she is child it doesn't matter what she wants, it's what the court believes is in the childs best interest. I have watched her cry and plead with me not to take her to her dads and I have no choice but to send her. It is emotionally stressful on the child and the parent. If you can, try to avoid joint-custody.