Guess what?<p>My Daughter came to live with me. The one whose dad was abusive and he chased me through court for four years for custody. She's twelve, and she finally couldn't take the insanity in his household any longer.<p>I'm dancing!! Three months now and she loves it here!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! <p>I wish something like that would happen to me, but highly unlikely. . . <p>i'm very happy for you!!!!!!<p>tom

Well I posted it in the hope that it would encourage you not to give up. I had given up on her, especially when it seemed that she was becoming as abusive as "they". What I didn't understand was that she was acting out in reaction to their abuse of her. What a difference living here has made in her personality!!!<p>Another thing - her dad always told her that she would never be allowed to live with me. That the judge had said she was supposed to live with him. She wanted out of there from the time she was eight... Don't know how that info would help you, but it's something to chew on?

why would an almost 13 year old and almost a 10 year old want to leave a house where their mom is a child servant, and does everything for them, and encourages irrational explanations to make themselves feel good all the time, and takes very little personal responsibility, and they kids get to verbally abuse their mom without any consequences. . . and come over here where i require respect, self responsibility, cooperation, and they have to take a nap if they are tired and cranky. . ..<p>i don't think so. . . .<p>they constantly complain that they can't remember my rules of no yelling and having to be respectful, and spend time in their room for displaying verbal disrespect. . . . they don't like having a real parent. . . .
now where would you live? besides, i live in the most expensive area in the country, where house prices are still going up, and i don't even have enough for a down payment, much less a job. . . <p>tom<p>[ January 30, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

(((((tom)))))<p>Keep your promises. (she probably doesn't)
Keep the boundaries for respect strong. (see above)
Create a peaceful and loving atmosphere with lots of laughter.<p>And don't give up hope.<p>See, eventually, the dichotomy between the two households will become more apparent to them. And here's the cynical part - they will either love the conflict present in your wife's home and think that a soap opera existance is attractive, or they will come to hate the constant upheaval.<p>My D had very strong reservations about discussing what went on in Dad's house - so I left her alone. I also made it a point not to share her confidences with anyone - not her dad, not my present husband. She felt safe then to confide things then that would have set her dad's hair on fire. <p>Advice: If you are bringing up to X things wrong that the kids confided to you, they are probably getting in trouble with her. Not good IMHO.<p>She may even be grilling them after you leave as to why dad didn't just drop them off - making them feel pressured to make you just drop them off like she wants... Maybe you could set a boundary there? Most states don't allow children to be alone by law until they are a certain age - fourteen here in PA. You could offer to keep the kids at your house and she can notify you when she gets in... Otherwise you can take her to court for neglect???<p>My X won more visitation just because I was working two jobs and on thursdays he dropped off D to a babysitter - it got changed to overnight visits.

thanks Anne,<p>you are now a mentor of mine. . . .<p>I don't talk to X about anything, except schedules,
she can't deal with different opinions, or at least my opinion because it is me. . . . <p>This biggest problem is that at X's house, they run the show. . . she gives them anything they want.<p>At this house, they are not in charge, and they hate it. . . they complain long and loud about the behavior i will not put up with. . . . <p>i am just a little down, i had a long weekend with the kids last weekend, and a sleeover birthday party sank my ski plans. . . because X does everything for them, when the time came to go skiing, they sat there, they did not know what to dress in, they did not know what to do, i told them we have to get going early, they agreed, and just sat there. . . they didn't pack the right clothes, even though i told them we were going skiing. . .<p>they know what they have to bring. . . <p>they don't have to do anything at X's house, so why would they come over here. . . there is no hectic stuff over there, they don't do anything. . . .<p>i am just slightly depressed, but now i get to go and get them. . . <p>bye<p>and thanks again.
mentor<p>wiftty