This was posted on my own thread, but I wanted to make sure you both saw this!<p>betrayed and desperate & Ms. O:
HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyy PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<p>
If there is ANYTHING in my power to do to help you I will. Though I suppose I am not in much of a position to help, I can FEEL your pain coming through your words.<p>Mid 40's is NOT old!!!!!!!!!! My own mother was a widow until she was 40 and then married my father (who was 52, btw), had me 3 years later and 2.5 years after that, had twins!<p>Please, before you sink any further into despair, keep posting and email me. I will see if I can get both of you into our IM chat room. It has been source of strength and hope for all of us involved.<p>I can be reached at doxies@optonline.net<p>
My best to you both,
vb_guy<p>[ January 25, 2002: Message edited by: vb_guy ]</p>

Thanks vb_guy! (And all this time I thought vb stood for volleyball! HA!)<p>Anyway, while 40 doesn't SEEM old (actuallly I'm 45), it FEELS old, esp. when your H dumped you for someone younger, you wake up and see a ton more wrinkles on your face because of what you've been thru and because of the depression that hits now and again, you lack the energy to do lots of stuff....AND you are now in charge of ALL the stuff.<p>But you are right....it really isn't old and most days, I'm feeling okay. The thing that adds to it is the feeling that you will never trust or love that fully again. That feels bad and doesn't bring much hope to the future. That may not be true, but I just can't imagine giving my heart and trust that fully ever again. <p>And the other thing is like I posted before, I truly WANT to trust God fully and do, but I don't FEEL that I trust and I'm scared to trust. But I'm getting better at it.<p>Thanks for your offer to chat....I don't know how to do that very well....by the time I think of a reply, the conversation has moved on.....<p>I'm so thankful for this board and the support I get here. I hope betrayed & desparate replys to this too....we all need all the support we can get!<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

I've just replied you on your thread,
thanks for the offer.
Not to repeat all Ms O just wrote what I feel. I have some difficulties to explain my feelings in a proper way cause english is my 2nd language.
Ms O don't blame for copying your words.
But that is exactly how I feel+ my OW is only younger of me everything else should be in my advantaage except maybe sexual skills (sorry but she had numerous lovers and I had only him, btw and he only me till her)
If you don't withdraw your offer I'll e-mail you on Mon.
right now I need as much friends as possible , and you on MB aqre wonderful and only ones who realy can feel and understand.
BTW what is IM?
Thanks

Hi B&D,<p>Well.....I am in the same boat as you, as far as sexual skills. My STBXH was my one and only. He had other lovers before we were married. <p>The OW not only has had several others as well, but she was in one other long-term relationship as the OW too! Brother! I guess it's a way of life for her.<p>Anyway, keep in touch and hang in there.<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

MsO,
what's wrong with memy atitude that marriage is for life and that I can't imagine other man to hold me, to touch me ....More than 2 yrs passed and I still dream about him in every way, friend, partner, lover, husband....Each nigh I have these nightmares of him and OW and their life. He was always like "dinosaur" about relationship questions, he didn't allow jokes of adultery and at first he was compleining about the suspicions of OW cheating him with some other man. And now he married her consiously and once gagain signed: for better and for worse, in reach and poor, sickness and health
And today I feel special lonely, my mom has been arranged for operation for Feb 11th, I am MD and I am so scared what will happen, and I miss him to be with me, it's all too much for me in such a short time. We had a lot of problems during the marriage but we were alwas together and now I am completely alone. I can't bear that, I feel so weak like I am going to brake every moment. How I desperately miss him you can't imagine

Mrs. O & B & D:<p>I am sure you have heard the phrase attitude is everything. It is. Having a positive one certainly helps...especially right now. Reading your posts, you both seem to point out all the negative. It is hard to be a sexual dynamo when you are working, taking care of kids, a house, the yard, and whatever emergency comes up. If and when the right person comes along you will know what to do. <p>I truly understand how devestating a divorce is. I was there. A year ago I couldn't have a conversation with someone without crying in their face. I couldn't stand myself. Life can be terribly difficult...but sometimes it can be wonderful. Romantic relationships are nice, but they are not the deciding factor for being happy. Betrayed and Desperate...there are no white knights that will rescue you. There never were for anyone. <p>You must look for the positive and beleive in yourself. Yes, marriage is supposed to be forever, but with a divorce rate of 50% for first marriages and over 70% for second marriages...the odds aren't looking too good. I think part of the problem is thinking that your WS is still the same person you met when you married. They aren't. You both deserve to be treated with love and respect...not to settle for a life of misery. <p>No offense to the guys here...but you don't need a man to make you happy. Happiness comes from within and I beleive no one ever finds happiness unless they are happy inside. <p>Please take care of yourselves. Go to counseling, join a group, take up running, take anti-d's if that is what you need...get out of the house and look around at the good. Betrayed and Desperate...you are a teacher...think of all the people you are helping...how they need you. You are important.<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: HappyMac ]</p>

HappyMac,
you are right for sure, but...Unfortunately I have only few days when I am aware of that. In the meantime most of my days are spent in "selfanalyses" which are useless "would he do this if I didn't do that....what could I do to avoid that..."
I know I am unreparable pesymist what dr W Harley tells me with sympathy "is quite hard to live with" but he was so nice, so successful, so desirable, quite opposite to me. I was always so thankful we are together. I lived THRU him.
I again know it's a mistake. Maybe my nature is guilty, maybe my parents, maybe God....
I didn't feel like this long ago, not even in the moment of letting me know for her pregnancy, maybe in the moment I realized he married her in top secret, when I became aware every hope is gone forever.
I like your statistic of 70% , but dr Harley mentioned me a lot of statistic data about affairs: for USA of course (and we are in Europe) and he was among those of 0.00000001% in every sense, so I assume will be in this 30% also.
Anyway thak you for care, it's so good to see someone cares, someone who doesn't even know you and many others who should are given up.
Thanks

B&D...you have every right to be upset about your ex getting married on the sly. Look at it this way...if he had anytype of character, was a decent human being, he would have been upfront with you and told you he was getting married. He lied and did it without giving your feelings any consideration. You don't need that kind of person. The good news is that time really does heal. The worst is over. You are experiencing the aftershock...but everyday is a new beginning. Sure, it hurts...eventually you will will get angry that he did this to you and your girls. Be strong.

Aloha B&D,<p>I just wanted to make one comment on something you said re: self analysis. I did that for sooooo long...it really started eating me alive. This is how I solved it.<p>I said to myself "If you could magically go back to the beginning of your marriage, knowing what you know now, WHAT exactly would you do differently this time around."<p>When I was able to come up with the answers to that (and they were pretty obvious in hindsight), it allowed me to go on and let go of the self analysis. I finally had concrete answers./<p>You see if I can take time now to work on "those things" that I would have done differently and be aware of them, then whatever relationships I'm now in or may be in in the future, will be better off because of the work I'm doing now. <p>It also helped me realized that some of the things that happened were totally out of my control or responsibility.....my H made some bad choices that had NOTHING to do with me. <p>I hope this helps. As much as I too believe in my vows and "until death do us part," I also realized that my STBXH broke the marriage contract and because of his infidelity, I am free to divorce him and move on with my life. It's dang hard tho! I'm just now getting around to filing the papers.<p>I too find it hard to imagine another person with whom I could build a life, who would love me, hold me, be with me. Still a bit too much for me to believe right now.<p>So what I do believe in now is that God is in control and will guide me, even as he as guided me over these past two years and brought me thru this horrific mess. Never give up on Him because He doesn't give up on you.<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Ms. O. abd B&D:<p>Please let me know how you are doing? Ok?<p>
Thanks, vb<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: vb_guy ]</p>

I know I'm new here but I don't see this as self-analysis but rather self-incrimination. You look at the past and think "if I had done this" or "if I had said that". That is not self-analysis. That is finding fault with yourself and placing all the blame for your failed marriage on you. There are two people in a marriage. If one strays it is not necessarily the fault of the faithful spouse. If one wants a marriage to work and the other doesn't there isn't a heck of a lot the one who wants it to work can do. <p>As for his remarrying, why are you viewing it as on the sly? He is no longer your husband. He does not have to come to you for permission to do anything. Nor does he have to tell you what his future plans are. Except for being a father to your children, his lifestyle is not your concern.<p>As for feeling your age, yes being 40 or 45 or 50 is not the same as being 20 and 25 or 30. Your physical being is different. Skin sags, muscles droop, and fat adheres to your frame quicker than when you were young. But being over 40 is a wonderful time of life. Or rather it can be if you want it to be. I remarried when I was 50. Heck I had a more active date life at the age of 40 upwards then I did at age 27. (I was divorced from my first husband when I was 26.) There can be a sense of self-confidence in knowing yourself at a later age. Your sense of security and respect for yourself and your accomplishments is very often stronger than when you were younger. Sexually you are hitting your prime and should be comfortable with your body and know your physical needs.<p>For B&D I feel your pain in your words. Whether you are a pessimist by nature, I don't know. But wallowing in your despair for a lost marriage is not the way to live the one life you have. Your XH has gotten on with his life ... a new life. It is time for you put the past in the past. Look inside yourself for your strengths and you will find that you have a great many of them. Look to your daughters for friendship, companionship and love. Look towards your family and friends for those things as well. You are a medical doctor, so you know you are intelligent. You have raised two children so you know you are resourceful. You have moved across an ocean when your husband divorced you so you know you can handle adversity. You wake up each morning so you know that you have the strength to face each dawn and build a life this time where you are the person in control. And when you are ready, you will allow another someone into your life but this time that person will not be your life but be a part of your life. There is a very big difference between the two.<p>Rita<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: LoveMeOrLeaveMe ]</p>

Hi vb_guy,<p>I'm actually doing okay today...both good and bad. <p>I had a great weekend as the women of my church were over at my house for a prayer retreat and it was very, very uplifting. <p>The bad news is that one of my sweet little kitties was killed by my neighbors dog. I had heard some comotion on Friday night out in the field, and when she didn't come home Saturday or Sunday, I went out to investigate Monday afternoon and there she was. It just killed me. She was one of three kitties that were abandoned at a local dump Christmas Eve 2000. That was my first Christmas alone and they were my Christmas angels. <p>Anyway, I am doing much better on the whole. I still have a little faith in God and am just going with that.<p>Thanks for asking.
Aloha,
Ms.O

Dear Ms. O.:<p>
I am very saddened to hear about your cat. I have four cats and three miniature dachshunds and if anything ever happened to anyone of them, I would be CRUSHED; they are my children. I understand how hard it is.<p>I am very glad to hear that things are looking a little better on other fronts. I understand about good and bad together.<p>You sound like you are farther along than B&D. She sounds as if she feels miserable all day. I am sad about that. If we all keep posting, though, we will get through this. We can be strong.<p>Please keep me posted, either by email or via this board. <p>
Good luck, God Bless, and
my prayers are with you,
vb