Hi,<p>No real hassles, nothing has changed in my life, except a health problem, but I won't go into that here. Things are still the same regarding my situation, and I am feeling better that the dreaded return of H for his holiday with kids is over, and he is now back in South Africa.<p>So why is it that I haven't been sleeping well, averaging three or four hours a night? Why is it that depression came and hit me on the head again?<p>I know, I know, the roller coaster... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well this time, I didn't buy tickets for the ride. I am not spending a lot of time thinking about the demise of my marriage, or even of H, except when the kids bring him up. I am keeping busy and looking after myself and the kids. I really feel that I am moving ahead. Yet, I got sideswiped. Not fair.<p>Has this happened to others here?<p>Love and light to you all,<p>Jacky

I'm here...<p>(((((Nina Too)))))<p>Yeah, it happened to me. Over and over, as a matter of fact.

Hey Jacky,<p>As you know, I have a minor setback about every 2 - 3 weeks now. On a positive note, I'm doing about the same as you, recognizing it for what it is and continuing to move on with my life rather than dwell in the past.<p>Still sucks through and I doubt any amount of time will ever change that!!!<p>Hang in there. PS. I'm going back to Iowa in 2 weeks, do you think a surprise visit is in order????<p>Lynn

two steps forward one step backwards that is progress and we are all moving forward, your friends are here, just shout we hear ya. take care of yourself

Thanks to all of you,<p>YEs I know, I know.........been there, done that many times myself already.<p>I suppose the good thing is that these episodes don't last for days anymore, only hours now. But that is kind of sad too, in its way.<p>Oh well, life goes on.<p>L&L.

the pain still comes and goes, but it does get better, it is sad for me when I think that, as much as I loved EXW as much as I wanted her, Was willing to work on things and now the thoughts of her make me sick to my stomach, I know that I could never go back if given a chance

I think this just a bad week for all of us because I'm having those feelings too.<p>Affairs and divorce are a real crisis/tragedy. And it takes a long time to work through a crisis. I wish it wouldn't take as long as it does, but that's how we're wired.<p>IF we weren't so hurt - like our WS then there would be something wrong with us, and I'm glad that I'm NOT the person my WS is.<p>It's the neverending rollercoaster ride going down - but look it's coming up again, so hang in there. K

Nina - I don't know how old you are but I'll tell you the story of my most recent brush with depression.<p>Almost 2 years ago, I reached a point where my son's counselor said she thought I was on the verge of needing another round of antidepressants. I told her what was going on in my life and she stood by what she had said.<p>Well, I was at a financial crisis. So, I got a job which reduced that stress. I was active in taking care of myself. <p>And I went to my gyn and told him I was crying too much and not sleeping well and what s's counselor had said. I asked if it could be hormonal because it didn't feel like depression. He said yes and prescribed a small amount of estrogen to be taken in the evening. So, if you are over 35, your hormones could be shifting and that could be part of the depression.<p>So, do what you will with that information.<p>But, here's a hug for you.<p>((((((((((((((((((Jacky)))))))))))))))<p>You've come a long way. You're doing fine.

Each time when I see him, when I hear him, when I hear ABOUT him, when YD comes FROM him...the same old story.
But you know that.
Today/tonight I am all alone, YD is there, OD is with her boyfriend outside and I am in front of TV or PC.
Do not wonder to hear that I started to cry few times with no special reason, just loneliness.
I'll have to ask my gyn about hormons when I visit her next weeek, after 2+yrs (nothing to be proud of), I am MD but working in different field and I do not know much about that.
Maybe hormons would be happy pills for me cause with antideps I have not good experiences.<p>Jacky you know better than me that this feeling will go away and what I know about you it will be very soon.
Love

Hey Jacky-<p>Even though you are down, I think you realize that is temporary. It really does suck though that we have to go through this time and time again. I've always loved roller coasters, but not this one. <p>I myself know that even though I'm moving on and doing quite well I can be deeply saddened by just hearing his voice, looking at our kids, or having some other memory smack me in the face.<p>We're human and grief is a process which takes time. Hang in there. Your husband although he is too blind to see it has lost an absolutey wondeful woman!<p>Take care and God bless!
K

((((Jacky))))<p>It's been really tougher on you again because he hasn't been in you and the children's lives and now he comes back in just for a little while and then goes again. That must have been tough for you to see him again and it's like all those triggors coming back...<p>Cinderella had a good suggestion you may need to look into a good checkup too.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA

Nina. It's going to happen but it will come less and less. That is how we as humans deal with the seperation from someone we once cared for. Towards the end of the relationship you tend to lose the love you had for the WS and start directing your energies towards your children, thank god for them. It will " the sense of loss" come less. I really have no feelings for my wife except sadness for her. In the end she will come up short in this "D". But whats very interesting is that I feel stronger then ever, but again that takes time. You need to move on and take your life back. And always be positive keep a smile on your face. You will be fine.

Thank you once again to my wonderful friends here who have helped me make it yet again, through the downward part of this sickening ride. I am MUCH better now, and have been since yesterday, after talking with a very dear friend (Thank you friend - you know who you are).<p>jabber - I know how you feel. THIS life is better for me, I know......never again do I have to base my nightly activities on the mood my X comes home in.<p>God is in control - I have noticed a very negative trend at MB the past few days too........is it a full moon or something? hehe!<p>Cinderella - I am 40, but I have had the big hormonal check in December, and while things are starting (pre-menopauseal - recognised by medical world now,) I am within normal ranges for my age. The medical problem I referred to in my first post is something related, and is playing with my sub-conscious, but I am ok with it.<p>BAD - At least you can still cry and let it out when you are down. (And I do NOT make light of the tears). I find it impossible these days. I stay strong all day at times like this, thinking I will not cry in front of the kids........then when I have TIME to cry at night, the tears will NOT fall. I often wonder about that.<p>SR - Thank you for those encouraging words. Yes, I am fortunate that I have moved past the every day-all day grieving stage. This happens to me every few weeks now, but I cope much better each time.<p>Anna - As always, right on the button. So easy to live this way when I don't have to SEE H, but the minute he is here........it creates turmoil. I am dreading when he is home for good, tho someone did say to me that I will be much further along this path by then. Thank you.<p>adams - My H left six months ago, and we had trouble for two years before that. I am glad you popped in to say a few encouraging words.........sometimes we just need someone to tell it like it is.<p>So this thread has probably come to an end now......I thank everyone for being here for me in my time of need.<p>Love and light to you all.<p>Jacky

Nina, was today better for you?. I hope so. Just give yourself the time you need to get your emotional strengh back. But you need to get your sleep that very important. I just thought I should check up on you. You were on my mind. AdamS

adamS,<p>Thank you for the check in. It is very nice to know people care [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Yes I am fine, back to somewhat normal functioning. I managed to get a solid 9 hours sleep last night, so that certainly helped a lot.<p>There are many here who tell me how strong i am, and I guess I have surprised myself with that too. I never thought I could get as far as I have in these six months. But as we all know, there are days when you are just so sick of being strong........I think that is what happened to me.<p>So now I am back on the upward ride.<p>Thanks again,<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Jacky - my friend - there are lots of good books out on perimenopause. Get one and read up.<p>During my crying phase, a low dose of estrogen taken at night was extremely helpful for sleeping purposes. Also, estrogen helps your body assimilate calcium - necessary for bone health. I was on a small dose of about .3 mg at night. Then we cut back to every other night because my breasts (sorry guys) were hurting so badly just before my periods. But I took it at night because estrogen taken at night seems to help your REM sleep. And I was having lots of sleeping problems.<p>((((((((((((Jacky))))))))))))<p>Oh, have you found the missing evidence. I think you might have put it in one of your coat pockets. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

NINA NINA NINA NINA<p>First let me start by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!<p>I missed you but I am back...
How are you dear..
Hang in there I know you are strong....<p>Blessed Be
Janet

Jacky,<p>Yes, I get side swiped like that too..things are
going fine..and then BOOM!! Here comes that big mack truck..to knock me off the road and onto the
shoulder..and I sit there trying to figure out where the Blazes that THING came from..didn't see it in the rear view, didn't see it in the side mirrors..I just Didn't see it coming..and wasn't prepared..<p>All we can do is sit there get our bearings and start back on the road again from we left off..it's not really like taking any steps backwards..maybe a slight detour (call it a coffee and danish break?? a reality check of what your working towards and WHY) but not going backwards..<p>And I really loved your term...This time I didn't
buy tickets for the ride!!! Thats like from a movie I seen recently...okay..Were going on a guilt trip time to pack our bags!!! I don't like taking the tickets for those either..I'm slowly learning how to pass them by without the temptation to take the trip..

JJ!!!!!!!!!!<p>Hi there!!<p>I was wondering where you were, and I don't know if it is a good thing that you are back, y'know what I mean.<p>This thread was started a while ago, and I am feeling on top of things again. Of course, H is back to ringing me at unexpected times, so I will answer the call instead of the kids, but I kind of expect that now, so it doesn't throw me like it once did. I am coming to terms with things. It really is a shorter roller coaster ride every time now, so that is something.<p>Thorned Rose, thanks for your input, I actually like your mack truck analogy better than mine, because that is exactly what it feels like when you get 'hit' again.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Nina Too,<p>Glad things are going better today...<p>You know about those phone calls..you can limit those..I have caller ID and when I see whose calling..I can say KIDS TELEPHONE!!! And I only
have to talk to him when I need to discuss something about the children...