Okay...I actually talked to the stbxh today about the divorce and why it's taking so long..it was filed in Aug of last year..(he filed) so why is
he dragging his feet..and why is he fighting??<p>Well, he has said b4 that he wants custody..he said today he doesn't want custody..but his lawyer said I was asking for X amount more money a month
above what he's 'voluntarily' been paying..and that would make it so he's living in a cardboard
box on a street corner some where..hmmmm...(his voice went to that poor me..and don't you just feel sorry for me) I did good..and didn't respond..and bit my tongue..and stated that 'I' wasn't asking for more money..but, based on HIS financial affidavid..that HE filed through the courts based on his income and his expenses..that is what the STATE set as child support..His response was.."I'LL JUST HAVE TO TALK TO MY ATTY ABOUT THAT!!! I took a deep breath and said..that's fine..you can talk to your lawyer about that..I explained that my lawyer had used the state program for child support and that is what it said..and if that is what the state requires as child support for three kids, then I have no control over that..but, it wasn't 'me' personally asking for more child support...<p>He said..well..I guess we'll just see then huh??
I said..I guess so..<p>I also explained to him that my lawyer was requesting mediation..and I had to explain to him
what that was..(us sitting down w/ a third party
with our lawyers and coming to some sort of agreement about the divorce)since we haven't been
able to..<p>And I am having a hard time..not playing into his guilt trip of "I can't afford this" when I know how much he makes a month and knowing how much more he makes when he travels out of town (which he's doing again)..but..I am trying hard to look at this as the KIDS deserve this support..
and trying not feel guilty about asking for what the state says is required...so pray for me that I don't 'pack my bags for yet another guilt trip'
and I stay put in doing whats right by my kids..
so that this can finally come to an end..

Hi...<p>I heard the samethings.... my ex kept complaining about the amount of child support. There is noting they can do, because its set on the state schedule. My ex even said in mediation that I should go and get another job. See I'm working parttime and going back to school. It made me mad when he would complain about the child support... my gosh, this is for his children.
He still says things like how he can't afford anything... but, I'll tell ya what... it seems he has money to take the ow out and fly to her country to see her and take her all over the US !!! (sorry I'm venting)LOL<p>Well, hang tough... this is for the children. Oh, and don't for get the alimony!!! <p>I look at it this way... my ex wanted the divorce and ow... he got exactly what he wanted... so pay up !! OH.......... my ex travels and makes tons of money when he does....and just like yours... he's traveling even more!!!!<p>Take Care
s

Woman, I could hug you!!!!!!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I could use more child support. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] And I have a new job which gives me access to my x's salary history - sort of. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Cinderella does a happy dance. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>____________________________________________________<p>Now, a word for you:<p>
Brava! You are doing well!

Thanks..for the support..I really need it right now...I was just sitting here looking over his financial statement..and he makes, put it this way..way over $4,000 a month and add another $2000 a month to that when he travels, and his jobs usually last 6 months to a year and only in town one weekend a month..and he's b&*&*& that the courts are saying he has to pay $1,700 a month..<p>So tell me..One person can't live on $3,000 a month?? He has a company vehicle and gas card (his personal vehicle is paid for and he doesn't drive it anywhere so he doesn't have a vehicle payment nor gas expenses)he has a company cell phone that he uses for all of his calls..grrrrrrrrr<p>And it's okay you can vent too...

Please do not buckle on this one.<p>Because of the A we know the WH is selfish, and since he isn't taking responsibility for anyting else in his life - why would he want to take responsibility with child support? <p>My STBX is the same way - he doesn't think I deserve anything for raising his kids as basically a single mom for 7 1/2 years, putting him through school etc. - I'm just spoiled in his book - let's see raising 3 kids and while I'm pregnant, while he gets to do whatever he wants with his life - just like always - yep, I'm spoiled alright.<p>I think being taken for granted is more like it.<p>Hold your ground - guilt is their only weapon. K

One person can't live on $3,000 a month?? <p>
Whoa....don't know where you live, but our entire family of 5 lives on $1800 a month......and we're not starving.<p>Anna

Annavon:
One person can't live on $3,000 a month?? <p>That was SARCASIM!!!<p>God is in Control--<p>He didn't have an A (that i know of other than w/ the bottle and his job)he's just a controlling/manipulative, alcoholic..I had an
EA, and went confessed..tried to work it out..
asked for us to go to counseling..she wanted to
see him alone..he went a few times and said he didn't need it..there was nothing wrong w/ him..
when asked to find another job so that he'd be home and in town more..he refused...after 9 years
of this and his promises to fnd another job..and be home I couldn't take it anymore..so I told him either find another job and be home and go to counseling..quit drinking..and be a part of the family..or find someplace else to live..he took two weeks vacation and moved out..<p>[ January 27, 2002: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</p>

Thornedrose-<p>I just had to send a quick reply - my WH isn't an alcoholic - but all the rest - work - waiting for him to put family first etc., basically selfish behavior, fits him to a T!<p>I told him I'm the one who should have had an affair - and he said that it's that kind of behavior that made the OW leave her H - Hmmmmm. <p>So if I'm the one who should have had an affair because of his behavior, and OW left her H because of that behavior - sounds like my WH and OW will live happily ever after ............<p>The counselor that we saw said that WH hit a road block in life and instead of trying to face it - he simply found a distraction from it - work, OW, could have been another addiction.<p>It's their inability to face life that causes all the problems - and now it sounds like your H is doing the same thing - won't make a decision, won't face up to reality, trying to find an easy way out. I hope this isn't a preview of what is to some with my proceedings. If I hear of any bright ideas, I'll let you know. K

TR,<p>I am glad you are not buying his crap any longer. Good for you and keep up the good work!<p>You are really doing well with boundaries. You go girl. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>ANNA

God is in Control: waiting for him to put family first etc.<p>TR- You know..this is something my kids taught me..and that is so sad that it took my child to show me this in how much control he had over my life and theirs even w/ him not being around..and how manipulative he was..and how much guilt I carried (and found 'I' needed help)--she was wanting to be bapisted..dad was gone..she told him she'd scheduled her baptism..for such and such a date..she rescheduled it two or three times because he kept telling her he'd be here on this date..and then call at the last minute and say he couldn't be home that weekend..she finally said."Mom, if I have to wait on dad to be here to do this..'I'll NEVER' be baptised, so I don't want to reschedule it again"
And it hit me, and I started thinking about ALL of things we had NOT done..because he wasn't here to do them w/ us..and times when I'd made plans to do things..his comments were always.."you are doing that without ME because YOU want to Single",
"You want to put the kids in ____ so YOU can meet someone else" "YOU just can't wait for me to be home to do ____, Because You want to be SINGLE"
'You want to save money so YOU can divorce me,
I don't have any money and if you don't send me more then I'LL be living in MY TRUCK", 'You just want to go to school so you can get a job and leave me'--<p>So in order to quell HIS fear of my leaving..we never did anything....when he needed money because he blew his (on drinking and strip joints, porn, and whatever) I'd send it..just so I didn't have to listen to it..and feel guilty that HE was doing w/ out..I didn't see it as..He doesn't have money because he drank it away..He doesn't do things w/ us..BECAUSE HE CHOOSES to keep this job that requires him to be gone 99% of the time..and so when he said that the other day..it was like...WOAH!!! Guilt TRIP --by Manipulation!!!! Don't want to go there..and It's hard after years of doing that..to really see it..and make a conscience effort NOT to be sucked into it..and then I get overwhelmed because I don't know HOW to respond anymore..so I am trying to figure out..just HOW do I respond..How should I feel if NOT Guilty because he's having to face his own consequences now..and I don't have to anymore..<p>scoick- I'm doing the same thing..going back to college and working part-time..my stbx isn't traveling 'more' than he was before..he was gone 99% of the time as it was..just for the past year
and half he's actually been in town working,
and promising the kids he'd look for another job so he wouldn't HAVE to travel anymore..<p>Anna, Thanks..I still struggle as you can see..just as you do in this area...now if I can just figure out what I am supposed to feel besides guilt..it will be easier..(something I can discuss in group, and in counseling) [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

{{{TR}}}<p>This is so incredibly frustrating, isn't it? I haven't been on the boards in a while, life keeps getting in the way, but I had to send you a hug and say, Way to go! <p>I had a bad moment earlier today when I reread the kids' statements of abuse. It makes me so angry that stbx is still fighting so hard for nothing other than to make my life miserable. Just don't understand the type of person these guys are!<p>Take care and hope things keep going well for you.<p>Lori

{{{Bangarra}}}<p>Hugs back to you...yes it is VERY frustrating..but
It will work out..<p>I understand about life getting in the way of the boards which is 'really' a good thing..it shows
your really moving forward..<p>this week has really been emotionally draining son has been complaining his heart hurts..stayed home monday (I figured it was just because his dad
left out of town again) he went to school Tuesday was sitting in class doing his work and he let out a scream of pain..his heart was hurting again..
his teacher sent him to the nurse who checked his heart rate and found it to irregular...took him to the Dr. that day..then took him yesterday for an
EKG, and they put a halter monitor on him..(which wouldn't stay because the tape kept coming off..
his body produces so much sweat that the tape wouldn't stay taped..so we go back today to get it re-started..and I take the kids to get eye glasses..and I'm supposed to be at both places
within an hour of the other..and the appointments
are on opposite sides of the city..well..one's in one county and the other is WAYYYYY across the other side of town in another county downtown..<p>I have missed my classes at school and work
this week because of all of this...grrrrrr...
but..the kids health is MORE important than school
or work..but..it doesn't pay the bill's..and I am so thankful that my instructors and bosses understand..I used to have a boss who didn't care..if you weren't at work because of your kids
then you shouldn't be working at all..(women should be home w/ the kids and NOT in the work force) <p>and with all the things going on I didn't make my appointment yesterday w/ my lawyer..so I had to reschedule..<p>but..as is said...This too shall pass..and I'll grow stronger because of it..

TR...<p>So sorry to hear about the situation of your son! That must be very scary! He's too young for these physical ailments! <p>I'm very close to following in your footsteps and I'm anticipating some of the same arguments... would you be willing to fill me in a little on the details of your situation? Like:<p>1) How many kids do you have?
2) How have you arranged the physical and legal custody situation?
3) Are you working full- or part-time?
4) Are you using child-care? If yes, who pays for that?
5) Did he file and present papers to you... then did you go to the attorney or did you go to your atty before you got papers? (this is where I'm at, my H is trying to draw up papers and I'm waiting to receive them so I know what he's thinking in terms of the agreement).
6) Have you considered any form of alimony?
Thanks for this, if you're willing!<p>Nicole<p>[ January 31, 2002: Message edited by: OvrCs ]</p>

I am so sorry to hear about your son. It's probably stress. My 6 year old started getting migraine headaches really bad since all of this started, and does WH thnk that any of this has to do with what he's putting the kids through? Certainly not. <p>My WH also wines and complains that now he has to work and take care of the kids etc. when he has them. Like I'm supposed to feel guilty about that. Not that I'm 8mos. pregant(he just calls that an excuse on my part - it shouldn't prevent me from doing anything like I normally do), and have to take care of thress children - with doctors visits, and child counselor visits, and lawyer visits, and trying to get ready of the baby. <p>Luckily I haven't had to worry about money as of yet - but he's had total control over the finances, and so who knows what the courts will reveal when we have a hearing. <p>The book Boundaries helped me alot - I'm sure you've probably already read it by now. But it talked about our own self imposed guilt and how to distinguish real guilt from that which we create for ourselves. <p>Anyway - WH just called adn we were supposed to meet about what we were going to tell the children about the divorce, but then I told him that I filed today and it just det him off ---<p>it's all my fault that we're gong to waste money - couldn't I have waited three more weeks, now the court is going to have to set their scheudle - rather than WH. Now I'm trying to control the children, I'm trying to KEEP the children away from him and on and on and on - he doesn't even think he can meet with me tonite, and says I'm blackmailing him into staying in the marriage - I simply pointed out that if he was living at home and working on the marriage, then we wouldn't be faced with these problems.<p>We also didn't argue like we did before he left - actually he's the one who argues, I just sit and take it - and then if I raise my voice one time - I'm out of control.<p>HE IS SO IN THE FOG IT'S RIDICULOUS!<p>I'm the root of all evil. The problem is nothing short of letting him have total control over me would make him happy, and I just can't let him do that anymore.<p>Keep strong. We will make it with God's help. With Lots and Lots of God's help. It's so hard to see Him working in all of this, but there is som egood coming out of it. I just know it. Hang in there, and I really admire all you're able to do. K

OvrCs: So sorry to hear about the situation of your son! That must be very scary! He's too young for these physical ailments! <p>TR- Thanks..yes, I think he's to young for this..but maybe God has other plans for it..
only He knows for sure what's going on..He has
the halter monitor on still and we added more
tape so it ain't going anywhere.. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm very close to following in your footsteps and I'm anticipating some of the same arguments... would you be willing to fill me in a little on the details of your situation? Like:<p>1) How many kids do you have? 3 kids, 13, 9, 7<p>2) How have you arranged the physical and legal custody situation?<p>Since Aug. I have had temp custody, the judge couldn't see uprooting them from basically the
only home and school's they have attended..said
stbx would need to see about getting a home or apt
in the same school district to keep them at the same schools..<p>He has pretty liberal vistation..the judge said since his job requires him to travel so much he should be able to see the kids as much as he can when he's in town..so if he's only in town for weekends..then he can get them every weekend he's in town..but..the kids don't always want to go..because they make plans w/ their friends during the week for weekends..and if they don't know he's going to be in town..well..they won't go
over there..or only go one day..the older two don't like going w/ him much now because they don't like his drinking..<p>the youngest is a boy and looks up to his dad.. wants to spend as much time as he can w/ him..
he's having the most difficult time w/ this of all the kids..<p>I may not like how he treats me..but that is their relationship..and they need to learn what their dad is like on their own..all I can do when they come home crying is listen..<p>3) Are you working full- or part-time?<p>Right now..working part-time, going to school full-time..my son had a very difficult time adjusting to my working..and his going to daycare
after school..that he would refuse to catch the bus..<p>4) Are you using child-care? If yes, who pays for that?<p>When I was working full-time..I paid for daycare..
he'd pick the kids up on friday's and not pay..
said..you want to work..you pay for the daycare
out of your paycheck..lost that do to problems here at the house..son would miss the bus, I'd have to leave work to take him to school..he'd fight getting dressed in the mornings causing me to be late..he'd get in trouble at school to where
I'd have to leave work to go take care of it..my son has had a very difficult time adjusting<p>Now, since I've started going to school full-time
and working part-time..he's doing 100% better..
I don't leave for school till after he leaves, and
I'm home from work when he gets home..<p>(reading this I see the manipulation, especially in light of the fact that his dad left to go out of town again this week..and he's been 'sick' all week..which may be anxiety attacks..fearing nobody will be there for him) they did find an irregular heart beat..and well..I don't want to be charged w/ neglecting my child's symptoms..so I am going through ALL the medical procedures to make sure that it isn't a serious medical problem..<p>I also put the kids in counseling..so that they have someone to talk to about how they feel, I know they don't always want to talk to me..so this
gives them the security in knowing someone else is there they can talk too about this..<p>5) Did he file and present papers to you... then did you go to the attorney or did you go to your atty before you got papers? (this is where I'm at, my H is trying to draw up papers and I'm waiting to receive them so I know what he's thinking in terms of the agreement).<p>before he filed he said he wasn't going to fight for custody..said I am a great mom..yet when
He filed, his lawyer put in his papers he was asking for custody..he was also asking I pay ALL his legal expenses..said I could better afford to pay them than he could..<p>He also asked for the home..so that he wouldn't have to move the kids..and then backed down on that..and asked for equity..but even w/ that he wouldn't get it till the house is sold..and well,
I'm not planning on selling my home anytime soon..
and since his name isn't on the mortage..I don't have to sell it..I just find out what the equity was at to the time he moved out..and he gets half of that..<p>I got an atty right before I was served..and according him this is normal, some lawyers are 'greedy' as he put it and will make it a custody battle because they make more money the longer it drags out, they use this as a manipulation tactic to get women to back down and not fighting for what they, and the children deserve, because women don't want to cause their children more emotional distress..and the longer it drags out the more distressed the kids get not knowing what is going to happen to their lives..<p>6) Have you considered any form of alimony?<p>I've considered this..as far as temporary alimony
while I go to school..as he didn't want me to work, nor go to school while we were married, said "your JUST a stay home mom, you don't NEED an education" -- and he decided I should stay home after our first child was born..but, then I may
see about saying..I'll not ask for alimony if you drop asking for equity on the house..<p>that can be used as a bargining tool... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hope this helps...

Just a quickie - as long as you are using the state charts for child support there is no possible way to get less. none, nada, zilch. The state sets these standards as a minimum amount of support for minor children. Because I live in my parents summer house I don't pay rent or utilities (thank you mom and dad) so I said that I would take less than the 25% that the state says for 2 kids. No go. These amounts are set in stone. His atty will tell him. Glad he was honest on his financial disclosure. Mine left out the extra 400 a month he gets from military. I'm not stupid, he got in trouble.

justthewife:
His atty will tell him. Glad he was honest on his financial disclosure. Mine left out the extra 400 a month he gets from military. I'm not stupid, he got in trouble.<p>TR- He left off what he makes in per diem when he travels..(which they consider income) they also consider company provided gas cards, and cell phones as part of the income, because he doesn't have to pay out of pocket for those expenses himself..even though it isn't a cash income..he was supposed to send in a new financial discloser w/ all of these things added..and still hasn't..I'll bring this up to my new atty and see if she asks again for it..

God is in Control:<p>Thanks, have you considered getting your child into counseling? It may benefit you in the long run to do that..especially since you see the signs
and you can see about finding a child counselor to give the kids someone to talk to about what they are feeling..<p>My WH also wines and complains that now he has to work and take care of the kids etc. when he has them. Like I'm supposed to feel guilty about that. Not that I'm 8mos. pregant(he just calls that an excuse on my part - it shouldn't prevent me from doing anything like I normally do), and have to take care of thress children - with doctors visits, and child counselor visits, and lawyer visits, and trying to get ready of the baby. <p>TR- LOL...WHAHHHHHHH....I know..my stbxh hasn't taken the kids for a week yet for visitation that he hasn't also taken a weeks vacation from work..
and even then when he's done that..he's always taken them to his mom's for the week..(and he's gotten drunk w/ his brother every night) leaving someone else to care for the kids..<p>
The book Boundaries helped me alot - I'm sure you've probably already read it by now. But it talked about our own self imposed guilt and how to distinguish real guilt from that which we create for ourselves. <p>TR- Yes, it's helped me also<p>Anyway - WH just called adn we were supposed to meet about what we were going to tell the children about the divorce, but then I told him that I filed today and it just det him off ---<p>TR- Good for you..you took control of the situation..what did you decide to the tell the kids? <p>it's all my fault that we're gong to waste money - couldn't I have waited three more weeks, now the court is going to have to set their scheudle - rather than WH. Now I'm trying to control the children, I'm trying to KEEP the children away from him and on and on and on - he doesn't even think he can meet with me tonite, and says I'm blackmailing him into staying in the marriage - I simply pointed out that if he was living at home and working on the marriage, then we wouldn't be faced with these problems.<p>TR- hmmm...how is your filing before he did blackmailing him into staying in the marriage??<p>Sometimes the courts ask if you think counseling will help the marriage..you can either say yes, or no..if you honestly think it would help..you could say yes, and he would be court ordered to go..(if you think this would just make things worse..then there's really no point)

The meeting went ok. Still deep in fog......<p>Anyway, we're going to stick to the basics when we tell the kids - we're getting divorced, meaning mommy and daddy are going to live in different houses, that things should stay the same for now, reason for divorce - because daddy and mommy can't live together anymore(WH came up with that one)<p>WH won't even tell me why mommy and daddy can't live together anymore - except for I don't love you, and I didn't greet him at the door when he got home, the house wasn't clean enough and I didn't hold dinner with the kids (6,5,2)until he got home from work.<p>Oh well.<p>I feel at peace with my decision and more able to handle WH so I guess this is a good choice (considering my options).<p>Now, I have to watch for signs of grieving form the kids - WH still thinks they'll be fine in a month - not the 2 years it usually takes kids to get over the main effects. <p>He's on another planet..K

God is in Control: WH won't even tell me why mommy and daddy can't live together anymore - except for I don't love you, and I didn't greet him at the door when he got home, the house wasn't clean enough and I didn't hold dinner with the kids (6,5,2)until he got home from work.<p>Okay...i don't know your entire story but..I have got to ask these questions...<p>Have the two of you sat down and discussed these things???<p>You didn't greet him at the door? Okay your pregnant, you have three small children..<p>Have you discussed w/ him that maybe hiring a temp. maid service to help w/ the housework until the baby is a few months old will help you feel less overwhelmed, or even his helping out w/ some of these things would be a BIG help to you, and you would feel more like greeting him at the door??<p>Have you discussed a set dinner time? And explained to him that you'd like to have dinner
by X so that you can have the kids bathed and in bed by Y, so the two of you can both sit down and
relax for awhile in the evenings together..or if he helped w/ the dinner dishes, or even in bathing the kids, after dinner, the two of you can sit down in the evenings and have some alone time??<p>I don't know..these things seem to be like they should be able to be POJA'd...