Hey everyone thanks for the advice
Here's another ?<p>I am having a very hard time with this and I don't know what to do with all the pain anymore, my soon to be X has told me all during our marriage that he didn't like to go and refused to go most of the places I wanted to go- I ask and begged him to take me and if we did end up going he would be miserable the whole time.<p>Now I find out that he is doing all the things he refused to do with me with the OW and it is killing me, I asked him why he couldn't do them with me and he doesn't have an answer. I just want to understand why/how a man who says he loves you can ignore and neglect you so bad saying it was his selfishness,making it impossible to stay in the marriage and turn around and treat another women the way you were begging to me treated. <p>I know we can never be togeather, but the pain/hurt seems to be getting worse not better.<p>Where do you put it ? When he says he can't love you ?
Kimberly

Hi Kimberly,<p> I wish there was some easy answer for you on these questions. Unfortunatly, if there is I can't see them.<p> Trust me, he is doing these things with OW, that he wouldn't do with you, simply because he is in the stage of the relationship where he wants to show what a great guy he is. He is trying to build himself up in her eyes. Trying to win her to him.
He didn't feel the need to take you to those places or do those things because he didn't have to win you, he had you. <p> Believe me, if he is everything you say, his relationship with her won't last. He will start treating her the same way he treated you, or she may end up cheating on him. <p> As for the pain. Kimberly, you just deal with it and try to move on, try to go about your daily functions. Staying busy helps a great deal. But the pain will be there, just near the surface. Believe it or not, this place and the people here helped me deal with the pain more than anything else.<p> Someone is always here to listen to you, cheer you up, be your friend. Most of the people on these boards share a common bond with you. We each have been hurt in the worst way possible. These people are like soldiers are to each other. We have gone or are going through the same battles as you. For this reason we become like brothers and sisters.(well that may be corny, but it is how I feel.<p> Come here, Kimberly, when you are in the throngs of your pain. We are your friends.<p> Feel free to email me any time you need to or want to. My address is at the bottom of all my posts.<p> jd

Kimberly10 - Your post spoke to me..<p>I'm wrestling with the same issues; I guess most of us are. I'm currently reading a GREAT book called " The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beatty. She suggests that the best way to deal with this mess is to feel the pain, and participate in what she calls loving self care. This involves treating yourself well, not blaming yourself for mistakes made etc.<p>The plan is to love yourself in a way that works, and then others will too...<p>To me, this has been horrific, but by trying to follow her advice, as well as some other references, I have some good days, and may come out of this better than when I went in.<p>That may be as good as it gets..<p>God bless <p>Dan

<<<<<Kimberly>>>>>
I second Dan's book recommendation. It's a daily "devotional" of sorts that really helps with all the emotions, not just of detaching emotionally, but recovering yourself in the process. I'm in pain as well, however, my H has made OW his choice (by the way, he's doing the same thing your H has, doing all the fun things with her that he would NEVER do with me). I agree with jdmac on that one; he's trying to look like a great guy. Unfortunately, my H has not looked at himself and his issues, so consequently, OW will see the "real" him eventually. I'm moving in 5 days from the home, the family I love (my kids are coming with me, but without my H, just won't seem like a family), and my pain is great. However, I have God to give me the strength I need. I ask him each morning to just get me through today. Don't try to look ahead or back, Kimberly, just live your life and try to get through today.....<p>PEACE,<p>MOM

Sounds like we're all in the same situation.<p>My WH is finally taking off time from work to be with kids etc. when he NEVER could before.<p>Remember too that the A is an addiction. You have to look at it that way. It's nothing we've done - they are just being controlled by the addiction right now.<p>One day they will come to some realizations just as ay addict hits bottom because the infatuation wears off and then there they are - the same person they once were with all of their faults.<p>I know it doesn't make it any easier for us, but we're lucky enough not to be in an addiction and can really better our lives despite the actions of the WS. We can do it. Right now it's not fun or easy, but we can do it.<p>Hang in there. K

You guys are the best !<p>I am usally strong and think that I am getting through this and will go months with out crying, but then it hits like a train again and I can't breath,think eat,sleep all I do is cry and ask the lord why? <p>I did everything right, gave everything I had, he made me believe he loved me to keep me hanging on to something that was never there,(because he wanted both) telling me once the kids were older we would do all the things we couldn't, excuses after excuses blah blah blah....while he was out doing things with OWomen, I was good enough to sleep with, have children with, make a life with, but was not good enough or important enough to take out and have fun with, or to be made special or appreciated,valued and respected ! <p>His excuse is --I can't be myself when I am with you, the truth is he can't be a hore when I am with him.<p>I know the women he is with now #5 is just useing him and it won't last and I agree that the person she sees is not the real person. He is in such denial that he thinks that is the real him when he will discover that I am the only one who knows the real him and loved him anyway and he lost me and our family, that will be his bottom. <p>He has not even begun to look at his problems and himself in the mirror,he has only been running away from it and still is, the day will come when he will realize-- what he had was real and he threw it away for something that was nothing more then a cover-up.<p>I am down now, but I will get up and go forward.<p>Thank you for being here !
Kimberly<p>I know it is his problem, not something I did, but it hurts the same and the worst part is I still don't know why?<p>[ January 28, 2002: Message edited by: Kimberly10 ]</p>

First, I agree strongly with what others have said here about feeling the pain. You've got to be like the woman who takes ballet in spite of pervasive arthritis. Instead of letting her joints stiffen up until she can no longer function, she chooses to work through the pain, and thus finds her life enriched while she keeps her circumstances from overcoming her.<p>My pain has caused me to become much more aware of who and where I am, and it has become a wellspring of empathy and insight. I did not ask for my pain, and I do not want it, but I will not spurn its gifts.<p>Now, Kimberly, about your other question: why is it that your husband does things with OW that he wouldn't do with you?<p>There are a number of possible reasons for that, but I think they all pretty much come down to issues of control and identity.<p>When your husband does something because he wants to, he feels as if he is in control. When he does something because he has to, he feels as if he is being controlled. The situation is worse if he is not clear on who he is, on where his boundaries are. Entering into a close relationship (such as a marriage) becomes dangerous, because intimacy tends to blur those boundaries. When he does something you want, is he doing it for you or for himself? If he is doing it for you, then does he even have an independent existence? Compromise becomes impossible, because he feels like he is not just negotiating reasonable tradeoffs, but he is compromising himself, his very identity.<p>You see, Kimberly, when your husband says "I can't be myself when I am with you", I think he may very well mean that he loses track of who he is when he is with you.<p>When he is interacting with a relative stranger, he doesn't have any problem with blurred boundaries. He can keep at a safe distance, showing only what he wants to show of himself in a role-played fantasy. He can do anything with that person without risk to his sense of self. And yet infatuation, that delightful feeling of romantic "love", can give him an illusion of intimacy. He can have it all.<p>For a time. Such a fantasy can never satisfy the universal human longing for true love, in which one must open one's heart and allow oneself to be seen and loved for who one really is. Eventually, the fantasy will wear thin and he will need to start looking for his next "fix". Or he will succumb to the desire for intimacy, lower his barriers, become frightened, and flee again. Or he will wall up his heart for good and give in to despair.<p>Unless he chooses to look inside himself instead.

Thank You ! You have explained that beautifully !<p>It is something I have been trying to get him to understand for years, he won't listen.<p>It's a real shame that he couldn't see it and deal with it before it was to late for us.<p>He threw something truly special away, something people dream of having in their relationship, because he was afraid to open his heart.<p>He is just running and hiding from the real issues he has.<p>I am here sad,angry,& hurt,that he didn't love me enough to do something about it. I feel cheated out of 14 years of my life, because I could have been with someone who truly loved me.<p>I don't know what to do with it

Husband called to say they broke up....<p>OW called me same night and left a message to call her acting like I knew her for years (very irritating) Why would I want to talk to someone who has been sleeping with my husband since June ?
I have nothing to say to her.<p>Then he spent the weekend with her???<p>The weekend he was to have the children, how do I handle this ? What do I say to the chidren ?
How do I explain why he put her first, before them !<p>I am sick of this !