I know that this is something that has happened to many people through the decades, but when it happens to you, realizing what has occured is a hard thing to swallow.<p>A week before Thanksgiving I (first marriage)found out that my wife (second marriage) of 8 1/2 years was having an affair with one of my best friends. It had been going on for a couple of months.(since I started night school) When I confronted her, she answered all of the questions that I asked. <p>She has since quit her job and moved in with him. We still speak and meet at our house on occasion. I still support her financially (ex.health insurance, car, gasoline)it is what I have always done. She is in marriage counciling by herself (the first 3 sessions) by her request, before we go together. She tells me the same thing that I have read here at this forum. "I still love you, but I'm not in love with you" and "I'm confused right now and need time to sort things out", and is not sure if we are over or if she wants a divorce.<p>I have tried everything that I know to get her to see what is going on. He has proposed to her, offered her things, even wanted to buy her a house. A year ago, he was ready to marry another woman. She cannot see that there is no future in a man like him.<p>He is an alcoholic (supposed to be recovering)and has never held a job more that 2 years. He is a high school drop out and has never finished anything in his life. She even admitted to me that she cannot depend on him to be there for her 3-4 months from now, but she will not consider leaving him to come back to me, even though I am willing to forgive and forget everything.<p>I have studied and worked hard all of my life to make a better life for myself and the ones around me. I have been with her for 11 years. I have known her for 30 years. She has depended on me and even said that she knows that she could always depend on me. I have never abused her or cheated on her, I guess knowing that she would want a sorry S.O.B. like him is what is making it so hard on me.<p>
Is there anyone out there that can give me some help or advice?

How does your wife feel about herself? It sounds like you have a great deal to be proud of when it comes to how far you've come in life. Does she live up to that standard? Maybe she feels like she just doesn't deserve being loved by you. Or perhaps he makes her feel needed? Do you have any children? Is this your first marriage?

My heart goes out to you. My divorce was bitter because I am bitter so I would not presume to advise other than to say keep your heart open. If you are churched, go to church and get the support of your church friends. Ask your wife to attend with you. Sounds like her "friend" is leaning on her for support - not good for their future. Good luck.<p>erigby

Dear charannelvr:<p>Welcome. Have you gone to Plan A/Plan B and read them? How about the Emotional Needs section?<p>Editing: Do you really need to file bankruptcy? That destroys your credit for about 7 years. Is there any other thing you can do?????<p>It sounds like your being absent at night school left your wife lonely and she took advantage of your trust to have an affair with your "best friend." <p>1. Do you know what her emotional needs are? Was your absence at night depriving her of an important emotional need? (Conversation, Recreational Companionship, admiration, sexual fulfullment, other?)<p>2. I'm wondering why you were best friends with such a creep.<p>3. Are you aware of the hostility toward you in this type of betrayal? Your wife could have gotten involved with someone else, but the betrayal here is doubly cruel. Your best friend must also have unexpressed anger/jealousy or something toward you to betray your trust.<p>Your wife is in the Fog. That is why you need to read the Plan A/Plan B section. That will make things clearer for you. But even when you digest all that information, WARNING! Do not share it with her. That will be seen as a LoveBuster, a condescension, that you are showing her the error of her ways. Just enlighten yourself.<p>Come here to post and vent. There are some wonderful people here who will help you. Also, try counseling with the Harleys. They devised the principals for saving and affair proofing marriages.<p>
Good luck.<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</p>

Hi Char.......(too many letter!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>I think Bellevue gave you some excellent advice. I would also suggest ordering the book "Survivng an Affair" from this site. You get a discount and it comes in a couple of days, depending on where you are in the country.<p>The book will give you valuable insight into what is going on, how you got to this point, and what the next step(s) should be.<p>I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Especially finding out over the holidays.
You'll find some great advice here. You might want to move to the Just Found Out board. <p>Unfortunately, almost all A's are with people we know well. Close friend and co-workers. Been there. <p>Hope this helps.
Oh!!! You might also want to tune into the radio show on Mondays @ 1pm CST. You can do that through this site as well, see the link at the top of the page.
If you want to call in for advice, try to do so at the top of the hour.<p>IMO, one of the best things you can do to get things on track quickly is to do the telephone counselling with the Harleys.<p>
Best of luck to you.<p>Blessings,<p>Cerri

I have been Plan A 'ing my behind off. It seems to be working. She has more of a focus on the outcome of sour marriage now. <p>She still doesn't know what she wants exactly, but we have our first counciling session together monday. Every day with him makes her wonder more about his character.<p>The vehicle that I use for transportation to work has become unreliable and needs replaced. I called and talked to her about getting her car. She had no problems with it. In fact she actually brought it to me and stayed and chatted for a while. I told her I will have it for about a month.<p>I really enjoy her having to depend on him for just about everything that she needs. I enjoy it because he does not have the maturity or the decipline to be able to handle it all. It is already starting to cause a strain or their relationship (its only been 2 weeks since I started using the car). He is having to work extra hours to make up for the aditional $ he has to spend. I guess his deposits into the love bank have not been as large as they were. Real life is catching up to him fast.<p>I am looking forward to monday and will let MB know about the outcome of the first session we have together.<p>Thanks for all of the support. This is a great website. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

I got a call from my spouse last night. She wants to move back in this weekend and wants me to help.<p>Her and the OM had a disagreement and she has called it quits. He has admitted that he cannot handle the responsibility of a long term relationship, and he has started drinking again. She said that she cannot live with someone that she cannot depend on.<p>Plan A seems to be paying off. I am still leary of her intentions. I have had Plan B in the back of my mind and even had a specific date chosen, until the call last night.<p>Any advise on what to do next? I don't know if I could handle another disappointment the size of the last one.

Char -<p>I really don't know what to suggest, but wanted to bump this back up. IMO, how could it hurt if she moved back in. It's far easier to Plan A when you are living together.<p>Anyone else?<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

The only real hurt that I can have is that she leaves again. We have been talking a lot about her coming back the last couple of days. I think she will do it. <p>We have already talked of some ground rules before she moves back, she seems to be willing. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Here is an update to my situation. WS is being wishy-washey about leaving OM and coming home.<p>She has already broken 2 promises to me in the past week, one was for our first couple counciling session. The other was to leave the OM.<p>I initiated and emergency plan B today.

Char..
Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. I also dealt with a lot of broken promises and "maybes".. I will suggest plan B to you as well. There is nothing worse than the roller coaster that you put yourself on when dealing with someone who cannot or will not live up to their words.
My ex used to call every time he and his GF had problems and talk about getting back together. I almost let it destroy me. I will say that counselling IS A MUST for both of you if she does decide to come home. That's the biggest thing that mine would not follow through with. Plus I would have always lived in "fear" of the next woman anytime he and I had an arguement or when I wasn't fulfilling every need. It seems now like everything he told me he said whatever he thought I wanted to hear just to avoid an immediate discussion or conflict.
I have been divorced for about 6 months now and was separated for over a year. It strange, but I look back now and KNOW that divorce was the best option for both of us at the time. I would never have been able to truely trust and believe in him like I did before. I would always wonder..
I can say that I still love him to this day and wish that things would have turned out differently, but I needed closure and definitive answers.. Not "maybes" or "this is what I'm feeling today".. I finally plan B'd when there was nothing else that I could do.
I wish you the best, and I know how hard Plan B can be in the beginning. If you need someone to talk to arm6868@hotmail.com

Charannelvr, are you in counseling with SH?<p>Joe

The wife wanted to move back in to our home today. I accepted. We made arrangements to recover her belongings and she agreed never to see or talk to him again.<p>Problem is: She had to go to OM apartment and get her medication tonight. I know that she has to have her medication, I just wish she would have gotten it without him there.<p>UPDATE: A call just came in from her while I was writing this reply. She said they had a talk and would be home shortly. I did not ask what the talk was about. I'll find out when she gets home.<p>Am I crazy for wanting her to come back? Should I believe her when she tells me that she wants only me and wants our marriage to work? Any advice or input would be appreciated.<p>P.S. Our first couple session is Monday the 25th

It's me again. Wife stayed for 4 days. Not sure what she wants to do. SHe cannot get him off of her mind. She says that when she is with him she thinks of me and when she is with me she thinks of him.<p>I tried to get her to not make contact with him. She did on a daily basis. (phone calls only). She slept all the time and said that she was depressed.<p>The first of the week she is going to her mothers to stay for a while.(200 miles away)I hope she can straighten out her life and decide what she wants to do. We are still going to our session on monday.<p>I am in the middle and confused.<p>Any advice? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Keep on Plan Aing. It sounds like she is going through withdrawl from om which is hard but a good thing. Get her to Dr's for anti-deps if that is what she needs.
You will continue to have the ups and downs and you may need anti-deps too. They do help.<p>Hang in