Hello...<p>Sitting here very emotional... many of you know my story. It's been 18 long months of separation. After our 10 yr wedding anniversary when he said, "How many times do I need to tell you I'm not going to work on the marriage," I asked him to get it over with.<p>So, he's now researching it and has talked to an attorney...<p>There are days when I just want it over to move on and other days where I just get so overcome with emotions! HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE until I gain some sense of "okayness" in my life again. I'm a basketcase tonight!<p>Oh well... do I think my emotions will have adjusted and be okay when the papers are final? I guess I do. So, I know I need to prepare myself. I see so many of you post-divorce doing so well... I just can't see it right now!<p>It seems like everything is crashing in on me... feeling like a failure as a mother, a wife, an employee... I just can't take it. Yes, I'm a Christian and I pray that God will lift my burden but it's just so overwhelming...<p>I hear them walking around upstairs and my heart breaks... this living in a duplex does NOTHING for my wounded heart. I admit, I did it because I wanted to show him that I have changed and that maybe his heart would soften. He tells me, it's so far dead that there is just no way... he doesn't look forward to seeing me, never has, in fact he hates spending time with me. It just kills me going on and on like this.<p>I think it would be so much easier not having him under the same roof... but we did it for the kids but I wonder if my going mad is really good for the kids... OR is there any vestige of strength left in me that I can pull myself together only with God's help?<p>I just want to move on... please God help me to just move on... is all this pain really necessary? How much worse is it going to get before I start seeing the light of hope that my life isn't a complete failure?! <p>I know, Bill, read that post again about peace... okay... I'll try to find it.

Nicole,<p>I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have been so supportive of me and my situation which truly shows that you are not a failure, you are a great person and mother. You have a very large heart with a lot of love. I know they say that time heals all wounds. It will get better for you just keep up your faith in God.<p>I have been thinking about you a lot since your last post and am sad to see what has transpired since then. Just know that someone in So. Cal. is thinking of you and sending prayers your way.<p>Take care of yourself girl!<p>(((((((((Nicole)))))))))<p>Michele

(((((((((((((((Nicole))))))))))))))))))<p>I am sorry things are not improving. I too wish there was something I could do or say that would help. You have also been there for me from the very start, and I know that although you feel pretty worthless right now, you are a valuable gem to many people here, and to your kids.<p>I am gonna put my 'MIKE' voice on now....You ask, when will it be over.........Nicole, only you know when you have had enough, and cannot do one bit more. There comes a point where you have really tried everything, and then it is time for these thoughts to enter your head.<p>Dabigtrain once wrote that his divorced friends told him that he will just KNOW when it is time, and it will be a quiet ending. Perhaps you are not there yet. Ask yourself if you still feel love for this man, who has so flippantly treated your devotion that you are on the verge of taking no more.<p>You are right to worry about the effects on the children. It is not easy for them to adjust to being without one parent, but adjust they do, and pretty soon, it seems natural to them for the most part. Yes my kids have had enormous issues about this, but I saw something recently when their father came home, and that was a great adaptibility in them...........also since they haven't seen much of him, they actually got SICK of him in only two weeks.........yeah not a good thing I know, but hey, I can gloat a little [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Everything I have ever read on this subject says that it is very wrong to stay in a bad relationship for the sake of the kids. I don't know how true it is or where they get those statistics from, but I do know that MY kids notice EVERYTHING.........so yours are seeing a rather unhappy couple, with one of them clearly not working on it. I don't feel this is a good example, although I guess I did it for a long time too, for the sake of the kids.<p>It is a hard call Nicole, but in the end, you have to forget EVERYONE else in this situation and do what is best for YOU. Because if YOU are okay, the kids will benefit from that.<p>I hope I haven't rambled on too much......just wanted to try and help somehow.<p>Love and light,<p>Jacky

Good Morning Nicole - <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE until I gain some sense of "okayness" in my life again. I'm a basketcase tonight!<p>Oh well... do I think my emotions will have adjusted and be okay when the papers are final? I guess I do.<hr></blockquote><p>Y'know .. I think the way to feel better ( and I'm no expert) is to feel what you feel; you'll be ready when you are.. we can't control the timing of our emotions.<p>I really feel for you; it has to be tough living so close. Maybe considering other choices would help you feel better. I think helping you understand what you need and want ; taking loving care of yourself is the job at hand. <p>You tried very hard and did a really good job; you are not a failure in any sense. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>he doesn't look forward to seeing me, never has, in fact he hates spending time with me.<hr></blockquote><p>This doesn't help you in any way.. you deserve to be in a "place" that supports and nurtures.. and is is not appropriate to subject yourself to this.. bashing. What he says has nothing to do with you, but with him. <p>I wanted to offer some support because I tried like you did; my spouse responded the same way; but there was infidelity in my situation..better things are coming for you.<p>I also tried, in my own way, to do the "psuedo family" thing, hoping the value and beauty of our family would be there for her to see. We went to church every week, shore vacation, soccer,etc. It seems that the beauty that dream held to me allowed me to give up much of my power; she was in a position of control... and showing me much disrespect.. for me, I had to stop it, I had to go to plan B.<p>Dan<p>I tried to resist saying this again, but I think Melody Beatty's "Language of Letting Go" is great in this time of "recovery".. <p>Also Don Ruiz's " Four Agreements"..<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

Dear friends... THANK YOU!<p>Michele, thanks for the encouragement... yes our stories have followed each other for a while. Now I haven't been on the boards much 'cuz I've been traveling. So, I need an update... I'll go looking.<p>Jaquie... thanks also for picking up on my emotions. This is just crazy! What is happening with you? You're right... enough is enough and I think I'm grieving... really getting emotional. Had a big LBing conversation with my H last night where I just let him see all of my pain - usually I try to hide it. It really impacts him and he said this morning that I don't understand the pain he's been in - and he was so sincere. I feel for him but can't understand how to alleviate this pain! I just need to let it go I think... <p>Dan, you did mention this book to someone else and I put it on my "wish list" from Amazon.com. My parents gave me a gift certificate from there for Christmas so I think I'll order it. And I've got the 4 agreements from Ruiz... I LOVE the one about taking NOTHING personally. This is where I get hitched up all the time. It's not ALL about me. But this is the dilemma, there is an element of truth to everything he says and I'm trying to examine what is truth and what is his hurt.<p>Today, O Lord,... let today be one step towards healing. I'm going to get back into counseling. Heck I think I'll call Steve Harley to see if he can squeeze me in rather than go back to my local person... she wants to pray for me, she said in an email... well, that's nice but I have to pay $50 for her prayer! Eeek!<p>Friends, thanks for letting me vent. I KNOW people say how strong a person is who doesn't complain, I just don't know how they do it! Sometimes it's just overwhelming!<p>Blessings to you all to us all and our children!<p>Nicole

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by OvrCs:
<strong>Yes, I'm a Christian and I pray that God will lift my burden but it's just so overwhelming...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>(((Nicole)))<p>I know that I absolutely hated the time when we were together but apart, you know before I.G. moved out. I only had to live like that for 6 months and I can't even imagine the pain of 18 months.<p>To me one of the hardest things to do was to quit trying to change things I couldn't control and focus on myself. Like you I prayed for God to lift the burden but it never was removed. So I prayed with persistance and still no answer. Was His answer no. Then one bad day I was looking at the quotes on my wall at work and saw this:<p>"I asked God to take away my pain. God said, NO. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up."<p>That night I gave up a lot of pain and the burden was lifted. From that day on I began to heal only occasionally picking at the wounds. Once I began to heal all the other things fell into place. I was able to be the Father my girls deserved and my performance at work was better. Plus my personal relationship were able to blossom. It truly was amazing.<p>Happiness and pain-free living is not a by-product of divorce that will magically appear, they are things that you must seek. The hardest part of the journey is figuring out which path to take and then trustfully taking the first step knowing that you may have choosen the wrong path. And when you struggle don't be afraid to try something new and start all over again.<p>Peace by with you

Nicole,<p>Sorry I took so long to respond. Work has been crazy and I haven't been hangin' out here as much.
However, you have never been far from my thoughts. I wasn't posting yet when you went through the whole situation about whether to move into the duplex or not, but as soon as I heard about it, I immediately thought you must be the most patient, giving, tolerate person in the world to choose to live in the same place as a man who didn't share your dreams. I give you extreme praise for being a totally unselfish person and a great mom. I know you did this for your kids ( and the outside chance He would see the light) but when I had my first child 11 years ago, I nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to be all things to all people. I wanted to be the best mom, best employee, best daugther, granddaugher, church member, friend, etc to everyone. Self-sacrifice is Godly, I know but there has to be a balance. Shortly after her birth, a good friend of mine gave me a little plaque the says " A good mother loves her children enough to take care of herself"<p>That's what you need to do. You need to take care of you. Your children will be changed sure, but you can still do your best to provide them with your love, and an example of what a strong self-confident parent is. You don't have to suffer personally. Your children will be fine. As Jacky said, they are resilient. My children 6 & 11, totally love going to their Dad's every other weekend. They love being at home with me too. It hasn't been anything as bad as what I thought it would be. You need to love them enough to provide them the best possible mother in the world. You cannot do that in your current situation. <p>As you know from my posts, I fought long and hard for my marriage. I have no regrets now. You shouldn't either. God gave me a peace about my decision to move on. I pray you find the same peace in your life.<p>You are strong and amazing. Don't let anything tell you otherwise.<p>Love<p>Lynn

Bill and Lynn...<p>Thank you. <p>I must remember your two quotes... I'll write them in my journal along with something CJ said to her husband when she'd finally had enough!<p>Take care.<p>Nicole

Hi nicole,<p>it will be years until its over. . . . maybe 5 or so, because you haven't even really started. . . <p>start with a good counselor now, and don't be afraid to try out a couple of different ones, i went to several before i found a woman that i did connect with. . . . and i also suggest the Harleys, as this is their specialty. . . . you need a good hail mary plan, and they should be able to give it to you. . .<p>good luck<p>tom