I have been doing really good for awhile and now I am hitting one of those "downs".....I am hitting it really hard this time and I can't seem to get out of it. Just need some "pick-me-up" from anyone.<p>My divorce was final the beginning of January of this year. My xh wanted it and filed, he got what he wanted. Me, on the other hand, I am left in the cold it seems. I feel like I have been rejected and tossed aside for someone else. In reality that is just what happened. How can he just walk out on a marriage of 8 years and two children and get involved with another woman? I recently found out he was emotionally involved with this ow while we were married. I wouldn't be surprised if it was more than emotional though. <p>I have bills that seem to be coming at me from everywhere. There for awhile things looked like they would be okay but now it just seems like I will never climb out of this hole. My two boys are 6 and 2. It takes all the energy I have to take care of them. I work full-time and by the time I get home I would rather just go to bed and sleep. I am doing the best I can to take care of my boys. I hate feeling so tired all of the time. I never seem to have time for myself. Even when the boys are with their dad on their weekends with him there still seems to never be enough time. Then again, their father has his own life and doesn't really conform to the visitation schedule. My house is usually pretty clean, now you have to step over stuff and try to make a path to get around. I think the last time I actually cleaned my house was back in November. How do I get out of this rut? I know this is part of all of my high and low emotions but since my xh walked out August of last year I have been able to get out of the ruts when they came around. I think also with Valentine's Day coming up and my xh's birthday I am not dealing well with what will not be anymore. It really hurts to know my xh will be sharing his birthday and the holidays with this ow and my children. It literally makes me sick. <p>I am also having a problem with letting go of my personal contact with my xh. It seems whenever we talk to talk about the children something personal always comes up and I respond to it. Later, I beat myself up over it because it isn't any of his business about my personal life anymore. How do you break that personal contact? I really feel like he still has control over my life to a certain degree since he has left and it really bothers me. I am trying so very hard to make sure my boys have a good relationship with their father but I need to break my personal contact somehow with him where my children are not affected. Is this possible? <p>I want to be happy. I feel like one day runs into the next and nothing really happens. I hate for life to just pass me by. I have so much to offer. <p>I have been on anti-d's and going to counseling. Just needed others to give some positive light. <p>Thank you for all your support
Kathy

Hi there-<p>First of all I am so sorry that you too find youself in this horrible situation. So many of us here can relate. <p>Next it sounds like you are right on track with the anti-d's and counseling. Definately keep them up, they will help you make it through this.<p>The rest is up to you. Rejection of this sort is totally devestating to our self esteem. What you need to realize is that he is in the "fog" and not thinking clearly. Don't let his rejection of you take over your self concept. Don't let his perceptions of you become your reality. Also as hard as it is remember that you can't change him. So stop focusing on him and instead focus that energy on you. Take time to enjoy your kids and start doing things that make you happy. You say money is an issue, but a lot of great pick me ups are free. The more you focus on you the happier you will be and the rest will fall into place.
Trust me it works. It may only happen baby steps at a time, but even baby steps are better than nothing.<p>As for the personal stuff, set some boundaries. He may ask you stuff, but you don't have to answer him. You don't have to be rude or anything. Just let him know that your personal stuff is no longer his business. If he pushes stop the conversation.<p>Keep in mind that the firsts are always the worst whether they be holidays, birthdays, your kids with the OW, whatever, but once you get through them they get easier. I know his upcoming birthday and Valentine's Day will be difficult, but try to focus on something else during those days. <p>We are always here for you and can relate totally. Keep your chin up. Better days are ahead!<p>Take care and God bless!
K

Hi AbandonedMom:<p>I am not sure what to say, except that when I am very depressed and post and no one repsponds, it hurts all the more.<p>Your situation sounds difficult to deal with. I do not have children and after my wife left I never had any energy to do things. I still do not much of the time. The fact that you keep home and hearth together with two little boys to care for is an amazing feat of strength and will power.<p>I do not know what to offer you except for my ear and a prayer. I hope that things improve over time, for us BOTH!<p>You are not alone, you are not forgotten, your post has not gone un-noticed.<p>
My best and prayers go out to you,
vb_guy<p>[ January 29, 2002: Message edited by: vb_guy ]</p>

And this was supposed to be a good week for all of us!<p>It's so hard when you're feeling like this because you can't imagine ever feeling better - or even wanting to feel better. But you will feel better.<p>There are some inspirational books like the Language of Letting Go and Rebuilding that can hellp us get through this time. I know that on the GQII board I think ther ewas a post about books that help you get over your spouse.<p>It also may help to write yourself a letter the next time you're feeling better for you to read when you're feeling down with lots of inspirational things like my ExH is NOT going to win the war. <p>Ultimately, the WS is not happy - they just seem to be, and one day they usually end up very depressed and hurt and regret the things they've done. OF course that doesn't help us feel any better now.<p>Don't forget that God is on OUR side. He knows our pain and He's there carrying us all through the valleys of life. It's ok to cry, yell and even get angry at God because when we do we can then see the love that He has for us.<p>There is another post by people pleaser a little further down about God said no. You may want to read it. There is a plan for our lives and we can't see the big picture, but our faith will see us through, and if our faith is low, then we can always pray for more.<p>I hope you can see the beauty in your life and the blessings through the pain. Be strong. Take it one minute, one hour or one day at a time if you need to. You'll get through this. K

AbandonedMOM,<p>I know exactly how you are feeling! I am in the middle of a divorce also. You can make the steps to bring yourself back up. You have already made the biggest step by getting counseling and anti-d meds. You crossed a big hurdle in doing this!<p>Each morning I write up a list of things that I need to do for the day. Even small things like feed the kids, wash clothes, take a shower.. I am able to go back later and mark these things off. It makes me feel like I was able to accomplish something. I usually only put one big thing on the list. Eventually you will see that you are really doing a lot!<p>Another thing that I do is keep a Gratitude Journal. It sounds silly but it really does work. Some days are hard to write in it but it does get easier. Each day find 3 things that you are grateful for.. it could be as simple as a good night of rest, or your child saying I love you. Either way you are grateful for these things. Write these things in your journal each day. When you are having a bad day go back and look at some of the things that you have written in the journal.<p>I will keep you in my prayers!
ANNE2000

[url]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013686&p=]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013686&p=[/ur l]<p>I understand.. I've been really wrestling with similiar issues. The link above has been a great help to me; I highly recommend it. <p>One of the suggestions was about being thankful. Seems like a pile, doesn't it? But, I was initially skeptical, but found that when I give thanks, for say, the lessons I am learning, personal growth, being able to enjoy living alone to the extent that I can ( a tough one for me; I really am a family man [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) etc, it helps.<p>Taking loving care of ourselves prevents others from taking advantage of us, keeps us from being victims..<p>I hope you feel better..<p>Dan<p>[ January 30, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

Thank you all for your advice! It is really comforting to know others are out there going through the same thing or have experienced all of this and can pass on advice and support. I really appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. I have been coming back to this site about every 30 minutes or so since I posted yesterday just needing to know others cared. <p>I am feeling a little better today. I actually got a bathroom cleaned yesterday and my children even helped. It was rewarding just talking to them while I cleaned and they helped. I have a little bit more energy today than I have had in a couple of weeks but I am trying to push it. <p>My children are going to be with their father this weekend and last night I decided I would treat myself to movies and dinner at home by myself Friday night. I am trying to get some stuff done around the house before then because I am not going to do anything else but relax that night. I think I could really use it.<p>Thank you again all! The day is getting a little brighter over here!<p>Kathy

Kathy,<p>I am glad to hear that your day is getting brighter! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Take that time when the kids are with their dad and do something for yourself! <p>ANNE2000

(((AM)))<p>I do know exactly how you feel.. I've been there and at times still have days like that. I guess its all part of this horrible emotional rollercoaster we're on... I don't ever remember buying a ticket for this... I can't wait until I get off !<p>Yes, this is very hard to take... I can replay things in my mind.. time and time and time again.. It really jsut dowsn't make sense at all.<p>I've been divorced 9 months now... my ex is almost gone from the home 2 years... I still can't believe it. But, I need to keep telling myself that this is reality and what I do with the rest of my life is up to me. I also have to come to grips with the fact.. that all the plans the exh and I made are gone... by this I mean gone for us as a couple. <p>One thing that has really helped me is that I found a divorce recovery group. There are very nice people that belong and we do things outside of the regular meeting on thursday evenings. I know its hard to think of doing anything right now.. and that includes taking a shower !... but I find that if I try and keep myself busy... then I don't spend time THINKING... this always gets me into trouble. I do understand (not always) that we must go through the greiving process. We will become more emotionally and mentally healthy than our exh's. <p>yes, it does seem like life is just passing us by... I can't believe I've been dealing with all of this for 2+ years now....but the one thing I have to say... is with time... slowly but surely things get better... the up and downs come less frequently and I'm able to pull myself out of there alot quicker. For that, I'm thankful.<p>Maybe try and plan something for yourself... maybe a movie with a girlfriend anything... go to the store like walmart or something like that. It really does help to get out. Heck, I still at time even have trouble getting myself motivated to do things... this evening.. I'm meeting a couple of gals from work, we're going to a movie and then for a bite to eat. It sure does help pass the time....<p>Keep your chin up.... I promise you things will get better..... and I hate to say this... but its sooo very true... it just takes time. If you're anything like me, you wanted all this over yesterday...<p>Love your babies... take care of yourself...you're a wonderful women and mother...
go do something nice for Kathy...<p>Blessings,
s