.<p>[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited June 22, 2000).]

I'm not sure where to begin. Part of the problem is that you two aren't married. But that may be a blessing.<P>First lets look at your boyfriend. He is not willing to make the commitment of marriage. He cheats on you. He disregards your feelings. He has a porn addiction to some degree. <P>I can not endorse your continued cohabitation on moral grounds. (I know I'm a prude) I also can not recommend that you marry this lout.<P>The best advice I can give is to find a counselor to help you find out why you are atracted to this kind of person. You need to learn why you are willing to settle for this. In the mean time get away from this guy. But I fear until you get help from a counselor you will likely be unable or unwilling to.

LisaM<P>For you to be successful in building your relationship you both need to agree on a plan. Two vital things that seem to be missing are honesty and The Policy of Joint Agreement. If you are not able to incorporate these into your marriage I am afraid that your marriage will not be every that you expect. Based on what you have said, I believe that your bf has a very strong sexual addiction. It is important that you do have “full disclosure” from your bf. Be careful not to love bust when he does tell you things about him self that may hurt you. Remember that it’s not honesty that causes bad feelings, it was his thoughtless behavior. Go over the emotional needs questionnaire with your bf.<P>Use the (POJA) to develop a plan than will enable you to ive by the four rules of a successful marriage.<P>1. The rule of care<BR>2. The rule of protection<BR>3. The rule of honesty<BR>4. The rule of time.<BR> <BR>If you were both negotiating using the (POAJ) and your are against your bf leaving over the weekend for a hockey tournament the we should no go, but on the same note you should not demand that he not go. You would replace these activities with ones that you can both enjoy together. <P>Your bf must avoid situations that may lead him to indulge in his sexual addiction. It is the only way. He will need your support with this.<P>Good Luck<P> <P><BR>------------------<BR>Scott<p>[This message has been edited by Promised Forever (edited January 10, 2000).]

You may find a lot of helpful advice on the infidelity board<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> LMS20ish@cs.com <P><BR>

Hi again!<BR>Thanks for the kind thoughts and for taking the time. I had a feeling after reading other postings that I had come to a caring place with caring people. LMS & Mudder, I have read many of your responses and have respected your opinions on most fronts. I do feel that the care and concern you offer is genuine and that is appreciated. Now, back to the issue. James is willing to marry (at this point I am unsure that I am - once upon a time I would have but now I question it). To leave immediately is not as easy to do as it sounds (remember there are 2 kids here - told our eldest in Feb last year that we were splitting and her reaction hurt more than anything that he has ever done. Now (prudishness aside....) let's say I am willing to try one more time - we have been getting along VERY well last couple of days and he is interested in Marriage Builders site and info. Again, I am skeptical..."the road to He!! and so on." On the full disclosure, how does one start such a request/conversation and how much do I need/want to know??????? I suspect that there is much more than I already do. <P>Promised: are you saying that despite Harley's advise about not being away in overnight situation (bars etc. at hockey tourns.) you think that it would be o.k. if it had my enthusiastic agreement (which it won't for awhile - trust takes a long, long time). <P>Mudder: I am not actually attracted to "this kind of a guy" typically. In the beginning, I was quite fooled with James. After discovery of affair #1 and his seemingly honest answers, I figured that we were out of the water. His other disrespectful behavior has only surfaced over past few years and my other discoveries of affairs are recent.<BR>Thanks again for your help.<BR>Much respect,<BR>Lisa<p>[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited March 01, 2000).]

As a rule, most overnight situations would tend to be harmful to marital relationships. Because of your bf’s problem with infidelity and porn these overnight adventures are probably detrimental to yours. My point is that he should not be forced to make this change. If he really respects your feelings and values his relationship he would choose being with you over leaving you for overnight hockey tournaments. <P>Lisa, When I wrote my post last night I had the mindset that you were married to each other, Sorry . I had to go back and edit my post and change husband to bf. This does not change my advice as far as improving your relationship. However; I do agree with Muddier to some degree. I think that you and your bf should really evaluate your relationship and determine if you are both committed to each other. I would not spend a large portion of my life trying to make this relationship work.<P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Scott

LisaM,<P>Speaking from the position closer to your BF's, let me share with you my thoughts. First of all, you can read my story and posting in the infidelity forum under Repenting.<P>I have recently discovered that my "sexual needs" were actually out of an addiction. It started very young and my sexual "acting out" went on and off for years. Most recently because of distance I felt from my wife, (not blaming, it is real if it is perceived to the addict), it progressed. She would find pornography at times and explode. Well all I did was get better at hiding it.<BR>I would suggest reading a couple of books, Out of the Shadow, by Patrick Carnes is a very good one. I couldn't see myself as an addict when I read about rape, molestations, voyourism etc. But when I read about the co-addict, the one opposite the addict. I saw my wife and when I recognized her behavior, controlling and enabling, I saw myself.<P>I've joined a 12 step program and the freedom of both recognition, (the sin lives in the secrecy) and understanding that I have no power on my own, has brought me incredible relief.<P>I'm hoping and praying that my wife will stick it out with me, know now what I must do to ride myself of this affliction. <P>For her too, though, she has to work on some issues as well. Counseling for both would be very worth while, to look at self esteem issues for both of you.<P>Another good book for BOTH of you to read, aside from all of DR Harley's (seriously) is Facing Shame. It giving me a great understanding of not only how I got here, but how our relationship as kept us here without growing beyond it.<P>I agree with Dr Harley, in order to be fully healed from his addiction and to understand the depth of his addiction, he must disclose it all, perhaps not necessarily to you if you don't want it all, but to someone none the less. He must be willing to tell you all, then you decide whether or not you want to hear it.<P>My wife put me in the crucible by leaving, in many ways, I am so thankful. I know I wouldn't have been able to stop on my own accord. It forced me to face my self and see what I've done. You may need to do something drastic to get to him. I admire and appreciate your wanting to hang in there and If I've been encouraging to you that he can be well, it's because I believe now for the first time in my life that I CAN be Well!<BR>I just hope I'm not too late for my marriage.<P>God bless you, Look to him, he will give you wisdom comfort and peace.<P>Repenting<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

Lisa,<P>Please dump this jerk. He was cheating on you when you thought you were happy together? What a bum. I have never met a man who didn't want sex, but I have met many men willing to live monogamously. I work at a professional business. A guy at work had an affair with a married woman at work. His wife was pregnant with their second child. his wife forgave him. The men? We kicked him out of fantasy football. We do not talk to him. why? He is a jerk. There are lots of guys who will love and respect you, go find one. Your children. This was always a concern for me as I love my boys dearly and think of them often. He is no saint for your children. What kind of roll model is he? It will be tough on your children if you leave him, but it will also be tough if he stays. Please get counseling for yourself. Now a word about how you look. In high school and college I was an athlete. Today I am an overweight 30 something. I still exercise regularly but am losing the battle. Concentrate on your personal hygene, don't become obese, be friendly, and you can catch a great guy. Good luck to you.