I read your post and Harlequin's thread. Sounds very cynical,but realistic too unfortunately.<p>What I do know is that the kids must be confused....very confused. Are they in counselling? Are you in counselling?
This is the problem with MLC type behaviour from one parent when the other parent has not lost their basic values, beliefs and morals. Kids DO gravitate to where it is "easier" and more fun, and because they are not living with you, it makes it harder for them to understand where you are coming from, the harder relationship,but ultimately the parenting that WILL prepare them for a better way of life as adults....(?...unless the whole world HAS gone bonkers in terms of fun ,hedonistic and irresponsible behaviour...lol)<p>I have a feeling (been there and done it somewhat) that as this pattern of polarity of parenting continues, your children may find it harder and less "fun" to be with you, and since they are young, they have little idea of th long term goal.<p>May I humbly suggest that you try to overlook at first some of the more minor infractions, and focus on the bigger areas which concern you, i.e. choose one area where you want them to change their behaviour which could be the manner in which they talk to you....or the respect they mirror. <p>For the time being let them "learn" one lesson with gentle behaviourbut firm and consistent consequences before you attempt them all at the same time. Intersperse this with fun times, please for your sake and theirs, laugh and have fun with them too.<p>Hope this is a little helpful.
willbok99@hotmail.com

Hi Willbok,<p>I am trying, but if the 13 yo doesn't get to play on the computer, he doesn't know what to do, and then takes it out on me. . . <p>and right now, the plans i have made have been constantly aborted by weather, or other uncontrollables, such as germs, birthday parties at the wrong time, school applications. . . etc.<p>Oh yeah, and then X says she will always support my taking them to my parent's Christmas party, yet, she tells the kids that she wishes she could come, and the kids don't understand why she can't come. . . . I guess that needs to be my reason for insisting on counseling. . . . <p>and so i ask them what they did at their mom's house, and they say "nothing,", and so either i drop the subject as they don't want to talk, or probe a little deeper, , , if i probe, they get angry with me for probing, if i go along, there is no conversation . . .<p>so now what? you know, and it really is quite amazing that X refuses to let me take care of the kids if they are home sick from school, and she has convinced them that it is OK for 8 and 9 year olds to stay at home alone sick . . . . now how is that parenting? and when i stay at X's house on drop off because she is not home, when the time is for bed, the kids get irritated if i refuse to leave them alone. . .<p>i am trying to launch this new career since i am looking for a job, and its not going very well, i've had some success, and then lots of setback recently, and the place where i am really sucks. . . and because now i have the commuter car, and no access to a bigger car, going skiing, and stuff like that gets cramped. . .<p>you know, the 13 you boy will ask questions such as "why did i get cranky all of a sudden? and what did happen when all of a sudden when everything is going fine, everyone starts fighting. . . ? " but he never finds the answer. . . and i have showed him stuff, and tried to lead him into understanding that divorce can lead to personal unhappiness. . . and that talking with someone can be helpful, unless one changes one's view, and then he relays something completely different to the other parent, or the other parent twists it around to blame it on me. . .<p>you know, when I have them for more than just a weekend, they do start to act better, i hae at least gotten them to converse at the dinner table. . . instead of eating and running off . . .<p>the last weekend they were here, 13 yo was so tired, he couldn't do anything without loud sighs and lots of loud negative noises, and so he fought me for taking a nap, and the noise got worse, and worse, until i sent him to his room, and low and behold, he was asleep within 5 minutes, and woke up alot more cheerful. . . .<p>if he doesn't get accepted at the school where his mom works, and i went, he will crash big time. . . i will look around and interview them, just not very much time and support, which makes them not want to cooperate with the counselor.. . . seen that already. . .<p>lt me think about it some more. . . .<p>oh yeah, and in her FOO, there were great siding of relatives against one another, that was routine. . .<p>thanks for reading my response and giving me some thoughts to think about.<p>wiftty

see next post....sorry [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ January 30, 2002: Message edited by: willbok99 ]</p>

And you frustration mounts.....and mounts.
Unfortunately, it seems that you always are the "bad" guy and nothing YOU are doing presently will change that, so in my humble opinion, if you want things to change for the kids' sake and therefore yours, something has to change in the patterns of behaviour, and reactions to them.<p> XW will not change, that is a given and a probable assumption,but at least you know the patterning. You are also aware of the patterns of behaviour exhibited by your kids.e.g. when son is cranky, issues become irrational conflicts and can escalate to battles of wills which is not good for either son , you or daughter who feeds into the cycle if she is witnesses to this. She will then act out.<p>Many kids play BOTH parents off against each other, they become masters at this. Try not to personalize their "attacks" which are horrendous, but at times can lead one to react negatively.
<p>This perhaps is as good a reason to seek counselling for the kids and yourself....even if XW is not part of this. You can suggest it is to help you have a better relationship with the kids, or seek ways of dealing with your kids.....especially as they start to enter the teen years ...when they can become aliens.<p>In terms of weather getting in the way of plans etc, do something really out of character for you and them on the odd occasion,just to get out of the rut of routine when they are with you. One night you can take them out later than their usual bedtime with something wacky.<p>When my kids were small I very occassionally woke them to go swimming in the pool at midnight. They remember to this day. We once went to MacDonalds for ice cream at 11pm...they remember this too. Do bend the routine.<p>NO 8 or 9 tear old should be home alone for the day.<p>If you want, I have worked out some strategies which DO work. My e-mail address is in this original post.<p>At times I have felt like throwing in the towel as the "responsible" parent to become "aunt mom" as it certainly would have made life easier for me and my children. I am glad that I, being who I am, did not, as then my children really would have been in trouble with no way out and I could not do this to them,despite their father's attempt to alienate them totally from me by controlling manipulative behaviour.

You are a caring and wonderful father and they are lucky to have a dad like you....[/QB][/QUOTE]