That IS a main question.
Each time I hear of him I am devastated. And when you have two kids you can't do exact plan B.<p>The day before yesterday I broke and sent him SMS about how I miss him now when my mom is sick and I am alone (no other family). He phoned me yesterday saying that he was sorry but he couldn't be of help , everyone would have such problems one day.....
and of course we came to the story about how he and his father and mother took care of his grandfather (90+) we lived with first ten yrs of marriage , I asked: and me, I was not ? He admitted I did. And I said that was not planned to be left alone when MY parents were old . his answer was sorry but I have to think of myself at first place.
I started to cry that everything we made together would be sold some day, cause four (at least ) of kids and wife would not be able to share when he died, he didn't care about that, his theory is still: children must EARN to get something. <p>How can be so selfish now?
First time he said something like that was when he started with OW. Before, was always said that he worked so much cause of us, me and kids.<p>I told him that YD had problems in school and we had to talk he said to call him. I am afraid of doing that cause <I know I wouldn't escape of talking about OW luying in my bed, me loving him still, crying....or arguing about money, help ...what is even worse<p>At the end he stopped conversation when I asked him was he finally happy and why he blamed our 20 yrs, he said he never did that and I remembered him on the statement in court about 15 yrs of bad marriage exactly NEVER happy in it.<p>And he said: IN SOME WAY I AM HAPPY NOW.<p>
How can I want him still, why?
Is this co-dependence?
He is completely different now, or he maybe now shows his real him. Or I was not aware of his selfishness, Or he acted, or I was/am stupid as all people say.<p>how can dr W Harley ( we exchange emails almost daily) even think about the possibility of him coming back while he is married, becoming a father of a new baby.<p>Does someone REALY know of any such reconciliation. I finally see it's impossible.<p>But the most important HOW TO PUT PAST IN THE PAST, what is a good advice, but every contact with him gets memories even ones I thought I forgot.<p>A friend of mine tells me that I make an icone (that is the church painting in our country, according dictionary: image of saint) of him . She remembers some of his words I don't, when he was selfish al over the past, never appreciating me or whatever I do, I work, I make. I can't remember such words.
I only remember him saying that he works so much cause wants US to live better, to be happy, that he never could brake the marriage or have and affaire, but even than he would try to make a better marriage , that marriage is the most important, family is most important....<p>I think I need lobothomy.<p>Thanks for listening
