H left yesterday...he came in at 230 in the aft....the original plan was in the evening.
Youngest son was home sick...he had called me from school to come home...had a fever etc.
H looked surprised to see him there....
Then H got MAD at me cos i took the money out of the account to pay our month rent. Said well I only need to look at the account...and I dont have much choice but to leave!!!!<p>He said he was gonna tell the two boys....I asked when he was gonna tell his daughter....he said SUnday....talk about slinking out the door...but I didint let him away with it..I had anticipated this, so I made a call and they tgot her over to the house pronto....told him to wait she was on her way. He didnt like it...but he told them. They were SO upset...its breaking my heart to see what he has done to them. They dont understand why.
He said to them, that its not them ....just that HE isnt happy. And he has an apt and hour and a half away...which means its long distance to call him too. That freaked them out.
We were all sobbing and crying...I told my kids that I had done everything I could to prevent this...it wasnt what I wanted...and I was sorry they were hurting so much.
Told my youngest...(tho I honestly dont feel this way) but feel its in his best interest....that if dad wanted him for a weekend...I didnt want him to worry about hurting me by going...he had a right to see his dad whenever he could and I was ok with it. Honestly tho...I dont think H derserves these kids at all...but the reality is he is still there dad...and he is the one who left.
I promised them that I would NEVER do such a thing, told them that NONE of us did anything to deserve it.
Told them I went to marriage councellor, they asked if dad went told them the truth no.\
Daughter is beside herslef...doesnt know how to deal with this...she expressed this to me...and I told her that NONE of us do right now...its a shock, and we will take it one day at a time.
she asked me what I was going to do without dad...told her I am goin to get on with my life...what choice to I have. She is worried that I will be lonely...asked me if I wanted to sleep in her bed...cos thought that sleeping in mine would be too painful...told her I would be fine, and if she needed me to cuddle up with me. King size bed...lots of room. <p>I am concerned about oldest tho...he is 21...hasnt cried or anything....helped me grocery shop today...which would usually be like pulling teeth...but he willingly did it...went to give him a hug and he backed away from me...told him please dont do that...shut down....you have to let it out...I understood that he is hurt, and angry. He just said ok. But I am a bit concerned about him. Youngest son...said that oldest son ttold him he was mad at dad. but thats all.<p>Freinds have been calling to see if I (we) are ok. good to have good freinds right now. We all need the support.
I just dont get this IM NOT HAPPY ****....what the heck does that mean...its not enough of an explanation for the kids either.<p>I am angry at him for what he has selfishly done to the kids.<p>Youngest wanted to know if he could come back????
Told him that I had told his dad if he wasnt happy to call me...H said he would. And I did tell H that too. Youngest seemed relived by that.
But dont want to give him false hope either. but I guess the fact that at some level I have not locked his dad out of the house is helpful?<p>Please respond....we need all the help we can get.I feel like I am falling apart. I cried all the way to the store....snow storm, so didnt show.
It just hits...one minute i think I have it all together....the next I feel like I have been punched in the stomach.
Freind told me to have a nice long bath....no energy for that just yet. Maybe tonight....I will aks daughter to fill the tub for me.<p>THIS HURTS SO MUCH
Is there anything else I can do for my kids to make this easier on them that I havnet mentioned???
Thanks for listening to me ramble on and on.

Oh God Kathy,<p>Do you know what a wonderful mother you are? You did everything right...everything. My older son (now 19) did the same damn thing...just be prepared for him to blow...and let him. If he throws something it's ok, let him grieve the way he needs to.<p>If a bath does not sound so great don't do it...I don't think I could have concentrated on getting in and out of the damn tub on the day my husband left. Just order a pizza and do as little as possible. You were great to tell your son not to feel guilty if he wants to see dad...I'm sorry, but that's just slimy him moving so far away from his children.<p>You are doing all you can. Do your kids need to go to school/work tomorrow? Kathy, I know this is a rough analagy, but if their dad had just died suddenly would the three of you be able to get up and go to school/work for a few day? Just take care of them and talk to your friends, let them do whatever they can for you...they want to help out, makes them feel good too.<p>You know, our kids are similar ages and it helped them understand it all when I explained to them about mid-life crisis. I guess it helped that I gave "it" a name. I explained that this happened a lot to men in their 40's and that also reinforced that they had done NOTHING to cause dad leaving.<p>Kathy, don't worry about how you're going to do all of this, because you already are...and doing a good job. Just take some time with them and let them see you sad too, and be honest with them. Wish I could have them talk to my kids, it's been a year and a half for them and they are healing.<p>So sorry Kathy, I know just how you're feeling. I used that same word to describe my kids..."shattered". Wish I was there to help.<p>allison

It does sound like you're doing everything right.<p>Just be there for the kids.<p>We're telling our kids that we're getting divorced tomorrow night. They are ages 7 1/2,6,and 3. <p>My WH's response to why this is happening is mommy and daddy can't live together anymore.(Of course I still don't know why that is because he won't tell me).<p>The kids are going to be devestated. He has no regard for how he is going to rip out their hearts and hurt them (of course since their little I get half the blame too). <p>Wh still thinks no one, especially the kids, is ever going to know what a slime he has been, and any attempts to make him see reality just gets the don't make me feel guilty speech from him.<p>How anyone can just walk away from a marriage and hurt the kids like this without even attempting to fix what was wrong is beyond me. I know the affair is an addiction etc. but it doesn't make things easier.<p>There are alot of good books out there like Mom's House Dad's House, Co-Parenting After Divorce, and websites like www.divorceinfo.com that have info. about how kids will react and what to do. <p>No parent, who really loved their kids, could say they loved their kids and then hurt them in this way. <p>Take care of yourself so that you can be ready to help the kids. Mine are seein a social worker just so that they can have someone to let out all their emotion with who is not mom or dad. It will also help when the divorce proceeding comes because the court ordered psych. can talk to them when determining their best interest. <p>Just let the kids know you love them and that you are not leaving. Good Luck. K

Kathy I just want to ditto what you have been told...you are a good mother...about a month after D day my son age 19 finally took it out on a tree with a board for 45 min , and he is my quiet one... each child must let it out in their own way...just let him know you are there if he needs you.
As for you I would say find others that have been where you are...they are the only ones that truly understand...keep coming here for strength...you CAN make it...God Bless

Just wanted to tell you also that I am praying for you. I wish I could take away your pain but unfortunately it is something that we all had to bear and work through ourselves. Seek out support from friends. The hardest part is to deal with our own pain and also help our children. I IS like a death. Treat it like a death and go through motions just as if he died. My counselor told me the pain is the same as grief from a death and that is why it is always there but gets better each day. Hang in There. You will survive and be the better person. Now your focus is on your children.<p>erigby

just wondering how you're holding up Kathy?<p>allison

Thanks for all the support...
Allison...I am taking things one minute at a timeright now.....
Talked to the kids again last night...told them they could see there dad whenever they wanted I would not put them in the middle.
Crying most of the day but managed to get out for a bit.
H was over today to give me money...discussed a few money thngs etc.
is taking the kids out to lunch tomorrow ...told me I ws welcome to come if I wanted....???NOT
Gave me a hug and said how sorry he was that he hurt us...maybe now that he has actually done this and sees how hurt we are all he will realize you just cant walk out of life like he thinks.<p>I have a freind coming over tomorrow...another offered to come over at 1130pm (wonderful isnt she) but I declined cos I really needed to be alone. But she said dont care what time it is..if you need me call.<p>Going to go and relax...try to anyhow....sit with the kids....watch a movie...try and block this pain out for a bit. Have told the kids over and over that I am NOT going anywhere...explained MLC to them as well the best I could...dont know if they understood, but the were listening.
Keep posting ...its a great support.<p>My heart goes out to anyone who goes through this

Dear Kathy,<p>I am truly sorry that you are going through the heartbreak of the breakup of your marriage. I can relate to your situation because my now-ex husband left me and our three beautiful children (they were 8, 5, 3), 13 years ago.
At the time, he told me that 'it wasn't me' and 'he swears he didn't have a girlfriend.'
Well, after he had left, I found out he DID have a girlfriend......and it was my friend from church!
Let me tell you...I've moved on, but, it still hurts, I have to admit and your use of the word 'devastating' is an understatement, especially regarding the kids.
When I read your posts and the replies, my heart goes out to you and your children.
You sound like a wonderful person and mother!
If you ever feel lonely and have the need to 'vent' about it, I am here for you, too.
As I said, I can totally relate and it really hurts me inside to think that other families as well as you, especially the kids, are going through all of this pain.
My email address is: KMinSC@hotmail.com, and you can write anytime.
Please continue to take good care of yourself.<p>Kathy

Kathy...<p>I couldn't help smiling at your:<p>"Told me I could come if I wanted??? NOT"<p>You know what, you're going to be just fine Kathy.<p>I was so anxious for any attention from my husband even after he left that I would have jumped at the lunch invitation. Made me look (and feel) pathetic. I admire your resolve.<p>Sounds like you're getting a lot of support and handling things with the kids just great. They don't call us women "Steel Magnolias" for nothing do they...amazing how strong we can be.<p>Be prepared for the kids to be upset after lunch tomorrow...Lord only knows what their father will tell them, then it gets really hared b/c you can't talk bad about him no matter what he pulls. grrrrrrr...i've really had to learn to think before i speak.<p>do you have a sense of some of the tension gone from your home yet? after a few days it started to feel like a weight had been lifted...like i could finally relax a bit. hope the same happens for you.<p>have fun with your friend and kids...i'll be thinking of you.<p>allison

Kathy, I don't know how much help I can be, I just found out two weeks ago that my H of 43 years planned on divorcing me, so I'm relatively new to all this. My heart goes out to you, and all the support I can give you. I have 4 boys, and they are all clueless as to why this is happening also, and totally supportive (thank goodness!) The H had been slinking around for quite some time and giving me dirty looks when something wasn't done to his liking. He'd taken 2 trips out of town right before Christmas, one with a buddy of his who divorced his wife of 20 years some time ago. When he got back he made love to me, and after he told me he was getting a divorce, told me that he made love to me just to see if he had any feelings left for me. Thank goodness I finally found this website so I could understand at least the missing feelings part. I still feel very used over the sex part though. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He has recently gone out and bought a car we couldn't afford, started chomping (yes, chomping) gum, and the dry cleaners called me to tell me they couldn't get the stain out of my dress (it wasn't mine). Hmmmm, gosh, I wonder what he could be up to?<p>Then, after all this, he tried to tell the boys that "WE" had decided to get a divorce. I told them that I did not believe in divorce and had offered to get counseling for us, but their dad did not want to. I did not want these guys growing up thinking that I had agreed to this. Mind you, I know I had an equal part in the break up of this marriage, but I am not a quitter, and was willing to work out any problems we had. That was another problem, he had never discussed ANY issues he had with me.<p>All I can really tell you about healing at this point is to get moving, take comfort in the friends (have you had friends crawling out of the woodwork to support you, too?) and talk to people. This seems to be a great bunch around here! I haven't been shy at all in telling local people what's going on. I tell the realtors my problem - as a result I'm getting all sorts of help with finding a house. I went to a local church and found a wonderful lady who is getting me involved in all sorts of activities and support, and I hug my kids a lot.<p>A million hugs to you, and if you just need to talk, I always have an ear available, as well as a should to cry on. I've done lots of crying in the last couple of weeks, but it is getting better!

(((Kathy)))<p>Hi... I'm so sorry that this has happen. <p>I know how you're feeling... those few days after my ex left were horrible... I sat in the kitchen the first 2-3 weeks waiting to be served divorce... then I get something from the bank... and its.. loan papers... He took out a $2000.00 loan to take OW on a vacation... we never did anything like that. <p>I get so PI**ED when I read posts like this. My ex too wanted the "friends" thing... I think they're alllll crazy. He thought we should get together for dinners etc.... No way in heck was I going to sit at the same table with him.<p>What you're doing is great... I used to call it survival mode... Do only what you can... it sounds like you have very caring friends... believe me they want to help you. Look for some divorce recovery groups in your area.... you may not even be able to comprehend what they're saying, but you will meet others in your same situation. I helps if you have someone to talk to that has been through this... I found alot of strength there.<p>Its hard at a time like this not to be calling your ex, every nasty name in the book... remember the kids... I was careful (most of the time) not to bad mouth the S*B in front of the kids... I had "code" names for my ex back then... The kids are just as shocked as you....all the things you mentioned that you're doing for them.... I'll tell you, you're doing great...I also let my kids know that I would be having good days and bad days..... One thing, my kids didn't tell anyone their dad had left..... I found this out like 3 months later.....they would tell people that he was out of town. Poor kids...at such tender ages and they go and do this....<p>I'll NEVER understand how I was fooled aaalllll those years by a selfish, lying, cheating pig! I tell you they're Pigs... plain and simple...(sorry, just venting ! LOL) <p>Remember we're all here for you.....come here and vent..... I too would never wish this, not even on my worst enemy.... this is just tooooo painful.
I once told a friend... I have learned the hard way.... I would tell others who had to deal with this years before this happen to me..."throw the bum out"..."you deserve better"...blah, blah,blah.
Boy did I learn.<p>hand in there..... YOU WILL MAKE IT!!!!
Trust me....
s

Thanks all and hugs to all of you<p>There certainly are a great bunch of people here :-)<p>I cant say the tension has left yet...I am still in shock mode I think...so are the kids. Havent slept much....keep waking up every half hour.<p>Kids have told there freinds whats going on, so thats good they have there own supports too.<p>My friend Ron and his girlfreind are coming over today I think...if he can get his truck fixed...and I told him about h wanting me to go to lunch with them. You dont want to know what he said. LOL<p>In retrospect....I too a couple of months ago would have dropped anything to go to lunch with him....but after the way he has hurt us....what exactly does he think I am anyway...guess he is abuot to find out what his wife is REALLY made of.<p>Daughter is worrried about me...and we talked a bit last night one on one...told her that I would be snappy at times, but not to take it personally it probably wasnt her....just me....and if there was something she was doing, and I was snappy at her for a reason, that I would come back later and talke to her about it. She said its ok, I understand that your hurting...(I am blessed to have such great kids.) <p>She asked me if I would take Dad back if he wanted to come back....told her what i told my son. (told H to call me if he wanst as happy as he thought he would be) just lets the kids know that I didnt slam the door in there dads face, cos regardless of this mess they do still love him. Tho I dont think they have a clue as to making sense of it all, I cant, so How on earth can they.<p>Talked to his mom...she is meeting us all for lunch next week...told me not to worry I am still her daughter...she said after 25 years that would never change, and that i did the right thing by letting him go. She cant make much sense of it either, but said that at least you acted like a lady and when he looks back, which according to her he will...he will be able to see nothing but dignity. Its her son and she is pretty honest about things. She isnt taking sides....just being there for all of us. She really is a great lady.<p>well I will keep posting....and venting...probalby after lunch tomorrow...never thought about it....but that IS gonna be tough.<p>Hugs.....and many thanks from all of us<p>Kathy

Congrats on taking the high road which is hard to do when you are going through this.<p>Be sure to take care of yourself, It is hard to sleep, I know that it took me months before I could get more than 2-3 hours sleep at a time. If you need to, get a prescrip. for anti-depressants or at the very least, take St. John's wort. <p>While you don't want to bad mouth your spouse, I do beieve that it is important to be truthful with your children. I always hated that bit about "we just don't get along anymore" or the other usual pablum.<p>It teaches them how to lie and how not to deal with the very real problems that life presents us with. It is best to tell the truth, call a spade a spade and let the chips fall where they may. Our children, most of the time, no how to make sense of it all. <p>It just makes it worse by lying to them about the nature of problems. It creates future dysfunction and teaches them to lie, and to mislabel what they see and feel and think. It is crazy making behaviour. You don't want to stoop or share too much with them, either but as the good book says, The Truth Shall Set You Free.<p>You are doing great. I have tremendous respect for you and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Well....got through another day...barely....cried for most of it...especially when he came and picked up the kids....<p>Rearranged theb edroom last night....kids wondered why...I told them that its my space, and when it comes to there rooms I let them do what they like...so I asked the same respect for me..they helped move the furniture around for me.<p>Didnt want to talk or see anyone today at all. got dressed and even that was an effort.<p>h returned with the kids...asked for his dam carving knife set...so I pleasantly asked him where it was and gave it to him. I was very short on words with him. Nothng to say...so he left.<p>youngest seemed a bit upset so I asked how it went he said it was alright...then I asked if he wanted to talk about it...he told me a couple of things that bugged him l. daughter asked him if he would be comoing back and h told her probably not.
2. went to grandmas and grandma told him that the best thing was to just let him go and give him space. He doesnt understand what or why he needs this sort of space.
My ansers to the above were for the first question. Its a bit early for him to know what he wants...its only been 4 days. One day at a time. But if he decided not to come back...at least he is keeping his word about seeeing you.
The second question..basically repeated what I had already told him...so i suppose it confirmed in his mind that I was doing the best thing.\
I told him I was sorry...he said mom its not your fault, we are gonna be ok.<p>I just think he is gonna have a hard time with this visiting thing...but I am hoping that if I allow him to make his choices to see him, and try and stay out of it, in the long run it will be healthier for him.
But, personally....I dont believe my H DESERVES the kids at all. its a selfish rotten thing he has done, to people that had no say it the matter at all. <p>It hurts like anything...everytime I see him....I dont even know why i would love someone who would do such a thing...but I do, but i really wish I didnt. The emotions are all over,,,one minute i feel sorry for him...the fact that he is so screwed up....then I get mad...then I am crying..its crazy...wondering if I am loosing my mind.<p>Encouraging son kids to go to school, but not pushing it...if they need a couple of more days its fine with me...but would like them to get back to there routines...<p>Am hoping tomorrow will be a bit better....but not counting on it..
Going to check for support groups in my area. Not sure whats around but gonna do some checking.<p>Hopefully I will have some shifts for work this week...that will help too.