Hello everyone, it's been a while. I owe many of you an e-mail and I am truly sorry I have not done it yet. I need some help from my friends here at MB.<p>If you don't already know my story I will make it quick. Married 8.5 yrs, together 10.5. No Kids. H had an EA & PA with married neighbor. D day was Feb 22, 2001. In may he asked for a D and then retracted it quckly. All along (until June)he told me he didn't know if he loved me and well you all know what is said in these times. I left twice, he soon after tracked me down and asked me to come home, I asked him to leave once, he was gone 4 hours called and asked if he could come home. I moved to another room for 2 weeks and stayed away from him, he repeatedly asked me to come back to our room and be with him. It went on like this until about July 21, 2001. At this time he promised me 200% of him and no contact with OW at all. He kept telling me that he realized how much he loved me, never stopped loving me, even cried many times over what he had done. He said he knew he had to stay away from the OW to give us a chance. He realized that as long as they even communicated briefly, he would not give our marraige 100%. He said that he wanted our marraige to be the best it could be. Through this time I followed all the steps, learned how to fill his needs, read books, magazines, web sites. By Dec.2001, our life was amazing again. We laughed again together, played, had passion and romance. Went to NAPA Valley for our anniversary, in October, he gave me a new wedding ring in front of his family and said it was a sign of his love for me etc. Christmas was the best holiday we have shared ever! He suprised me with gifts through out the holiday.That was when I kind of dropped off this site. Sorry for that! <p>Now to the issue: from Dec. 1 to Dec. 29th my H had begun to talk with the OW's H. He found out about her sorted past, about things that shocked him, hurt him! He told my H she has lied and manipulated him and used him. My H freaked and refused to beleive any of it. But, this caused my H to tell the OW's H some things about his own wife(the OW) he didn't know. He went home and blew a gasket! Then on Dec. 30, 2001, the OW's H (one of my best friends currently in life)called me. MY H was out skating on our pond. He said that he had info I needed to know and I had better sit down. Apparently in a large discussion he found out my H had still be e-mailing his H (The OW). That he read some and my H was still telling her he loved her and her kids and more that really hurt me. I did not belive him, so SHE got on the phone and spent 30 minutes reading e-mails, poems etc to me. They were old but none the less one was very recent. She told me things that hurt so bad I couldn't move a muscle. I confronted my H who admitted the contact. He appologized profusely! He held me and cried with me and said he knew it was wrong. He also said it was both ways not just him and it was merly to see how the marraiges were doing. He swore that the e-mail I read was not as she told me. That she was angry and lied to me to hurt him. He then told me how much he loved me and our marriage and that I had to beleive him. So I did.(Big Fool, I think) For a few weeks now it has been killing me inside. Every day I wonder if he is e-mailing her or something. I am out of town a lot and just can't handle the whole thought of them even saying a friendly hello. So last week I told him how bad it bothered me. I asked him to look me in the eyes and swear that he will never in any way contact her again and if she contacts him he will not respond.(yes she lives next door but they are moving.) He didn't answer me. So I waited a few days. Still nothing. I then brought it up again and this is what he said. He refuses to live life by my rules and therefore, will not give me what I asked for. I told him it's not a rule, it real life. we are married and contact with his ex lover, whom almost destroyed our marraige is not morrally right. He does not see it that way. I told him If he can't give me this one thing and belive me I have not asked him for much in this entire year of hell, then I can't go on with our marraige. yes I love him and our life together. But what kind of a life is living in uncertanty. My god if he truly loves me as he says and wants our marraige to work, how could he even think contact with her is okay? It's nuts.<p>So guys, do I leave him or let it go? Am I over reacting? I have been up most of the night thinking about this whole thing, crying and I think I have to leave him right now. I have this thought to leave work today and pack and leave him. But I don't know if I am over reacting or what.<p>Help!!!<p>[ February 01, 2002: Message edited by: eyes_wide_shut ]</p>

((((Michelle)))<p>
Gosh, I wish I could offer a simple answer but this is one you&#8217;ll have to seek on your own. I&#8217;ve told myself since the day I found this site that I will never tell someone to stay or go unless there is abuse. You are justified in any decision you make and we&#8217;ll be here to offer you support throughout.<p>I know it&#8217;s been hard having her next door but even if they move who&#8217;s to say the communication will stop. Over the past months your husband has worn a mask that was very appealing only problem is that it was just a mask as you can see now he still is leading a double life. He had the right words but words without actions are merely sounds that echo down the hallway. The continuing betrayal speaks volumes to my ears but you cannot listen through mine. <p>
I do ask that when you do make a decision; please make it for the right reasons in the right state of mind. Right now you are angry and hurt so fleeing while riding on those emotions would be easy but as time passes those emotions will fade and it is you who will have to deal with the consequences. <p>
Finally, I know you have struggled and tried everything to save your marriage. You have shown strength and patience that I cannot even comprehend. And know, once again, you are standing at the crossroads. Take your time and choose your path wisely using the knowledge you&#8217;ve gained in head, the feeling at depths of your heart, and finally use the Lord to help guide you through this dark time.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

He is right you know, don't make a decision in anger. Wait, breathe, sleep, and then figure it out. I know it is like the first hurt all over again, but use your experience to help this time. You are a bit older and a lot wiser now. Take your time, maybe even talk to the buthead about it.

EWS,<p>Hey, I am so sorry you are having this pain again. I wish I had magic dust for you right now...<p>No one can make the decision or tell you whether to stay or go but you. I will tell you that I think he is playing you big time. You have to decide what to do about it.<p>Ask yourself this, "By staying with him am I just making myself a victim over and over?"<p>Good luck with your choices,<p>ANNA

EWS - Tink - Any thoughts??????????

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was in this exact same situation last year. My ex H's very public affair supposedly ended (in a very public way!) in December. It didn't. He left. He came back. He SWORE there would be no contact. There was. They continued their affair the entire time. He left. He begged to come back two months later. I waited a few months, then agreed, as I had just had our third child. He swore up and down it was over. It wasn't. I left in August, after he chose OW, and am thrilled to be off the roller coaster. This doesn't mean this is how it will turn out for you. But the lies get so extreme that it became impossible for me to ever trust him again. If you are at the point, you will know it. I will never regret giving him the benefit of every doubt, but there is a point when you become the fool. (You is generic here, not you, eyes wide shut.) I advocate doing EVERYTHING you can to save your marriage. But you can't do it alone, and you have to be able to trust him. Best of luck.

((((((((((((((((EWS)))))))))))))))))<p>I am sorry that this is happening again. The OW is truly an addiction to your H, and it is very, very sad that he cannot see your point of view about no contact, especially when he did see your pain after the emails.<p>Leave or stay? I am with others here who say only you can make that decision. You know my story well, and when I left, it was time. I knew that is what I had to do. I could not stand one minute more of the lies, the denials, the stone face, etc etc. I knew it was time.<p>You will know when it is time. You won't be asking the question, you will be gone. <p>I also agree that right now is not the time to make that decision because you are angry, and in turmoil. Wait a few days, and then review it.<p>Sending you much love and healing light,<p>Jacky

Michele,<p>The OW is moving. . . assuming the destination is out of town, far enough away to make meetings not so convenient, i would say that he is having last minute withdrawals about seeing her go far away. . . <p>I would stay, and wait to see what happens to H after OW moves away. At first i was going to suggest that you two move far away, but if they are, then i would wait. . . . i would do Michele activities, michele alone activities but i would not push any buttons. . . .<p>Finally, since you don't have any kids, i would say that if within six months of OW leaving, if your marriage is back on the rocks, then i would consider ending it entirely, having given him enough time to recover from his withdrawal. . . .<p>he is just a little panicked that she is leaving, and is just on the edge at the moment. . . give your H and your marriage one last 6 months after she leaves shot, and then you have done about all you can do. . ..<p>good luck
wiftty

Hi...<p>I know how horrible itis to hear that he is still in contact with her. I too had that happen to me. I trusted my ex when he came back... that all contact was over with. Then about 1 1/2 months later I found out otherwise... when I asked him why he didn't tell me... he said..."you didn't ask"....hummmm<p>You will know if and when its time you take a stand... don't do it when you're so upset, mind racing, heart pounding out your chest.... breath, try and sleep... maybe even talk with a counselor/therapist. I know there are times when you want to throw him and his stuff out the front door... then you get scared... this is all NORMAL.
Just take your time.<p>You've come along way... you're much wiser... more educated on this affair crap.... I trust you will make the right decision for YOU.<p>Know that all of us here...support you in what ever you decide to do... like another posted... try it for another 6 months... then see how your H is....there is nothing wrong with that. You would be commended for that. Giving another the benefit for the doubt...<p>Take Care of yourself... take your time.... and like I said before.... think about what is best for YOU !<p>Blessings,
s

Thanks everyone. <p>You are all right. I should not leave now. Not yet. I made a decision to let my anger go and will see it through for now. I do love him and we had come so far. It is so hard for me to beleive he took so many steps backward in 4 weeks. Just at Christmas he burned all her letters and stuff and told many people what a huge mistake he made with her and how he loves me so much. Maybe it is the thought of her moving or her and her H actually getting a D, that scared him and fogged him over again. I don't know.<p>I can't stop him from talking to her and I can't make him see the horrbile, manipulative, person she is. Only he can do that. Sooner or later he will open his eyes again and see what he saw in Dec. that made him realize she was such a huge mistake, that he apparently he has forgotten or lost in the fog in the last 4 weeks. hell we even have pretty solid proof she has a new boyfriend! Maybe thats it. he is jealous and now wants her back. Maybe I should go have an affair? **** wish I could. Just not an option for me.<p>EWS...<p>I am not sure how long I can take this but we will see. I am back to the can't eat can't sleep stage. Yesterday we had a Superbowl party I ate nothing! Can't my stomach burns and is a mess. I am going to go from a size 4 to 0 soon. I guess thats good, thats what he wants anyway.<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: eyes_wide_shut ]</p>

((((((((((((My Friend Tink)))))))))))<p>Right now my brain is too addled for giving advice. All I can do is send you a hug. Like, FGM, I would use my magic dust to relieve you of your pain - but I'm fresh out. <p>Do you have a counselor? Sounds like one would be a good idea. Personally, I'm bummed as I haven't seen mine in 2 months and she is leaving town in a few weeks. I really need to get in to see her. I cried when I got the letter. She's been really excellent.

I am so sorry that you hurting so bad.<p>But as every one else has said don't do anything in angry.<p>Like Wiffy & Cinderlla advice. <p>Only you know how long you can do it.

I know I should never do anything hastily. But I can't not live like this much longer. If he can't commit to me and not only promise to have no contact, I can't stay married to him. I am his wife, she is, well I won't go there. Marraige is about trust and honesty, sacrafice and commitment. <p>If he can not see that contact with her in any way (Even just to check on her)is morrally wrong and unacceptable, I can not stay with him. At this point I am willing to sell Everything, give up friends and family to have complete closure and be happy. If that means by myself so be it. I am not sure how long or what day, but I am sure it is coming very soon. <p>Let's hope he opens his eyes and realizes he is losing the best thing in his life and that he will never even come close to the bond, friendship, love and life we shared together. Because I can guarantee one thing, Once I am gone, I will not take him back ever.

Hi Michelle...<p>How 'bout lunch? Email me when a time is good for you and I'll buzz up there or we can meet in the middle. My H is off to India this Saturday for about 5 days ... that is a problem with childcare but we can work it out. I can see you've been thru the wringer... so sorry!<p>OvrCsMB@aol.com<p>Take care, and we'll talk soon,
Nicole

well, no need for me to leave anymore. He left this morning. I am so upset, I can't think straight. I already miss him. I love him so much my heart hurts! He says he is soul searching. In the mean time he is pushing me so far away, that I fear if he really finds himself, I will be gone forever!<p>Found out the OW has for sure a new boyfriend. She was out until 5AM Sat. morning with him for the second Friday in a row. Came home loaded and passed out in the spare bedroom. With no regards to her two kids! At around 8AM her H woke her up and told her he was going to the gym and that she should go down stairs becasue her youngest was sleeping in their bed and if he woke up, she should be there. She mumbled ok and he left for the gym. Apparently she passed back out, when her youngest woke up he couldn't find anyone so he was thinking she left him alone. He called to her but couldn't find her in the house so he went to the nieghbors and told them he was all alone. He is only 4! Poor kid.<p>Oh well. I am a mess!!

(((E-W-S)))<p>I can't express how sorry I am that you are going through this nor will I pretend that I know "just how you feel". All I know is that in my case it really really sucked and I needed a lot of support.<p>I pray that the Lord comforts you in His hand and let's the healing begin.<p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

(((((((((((((((((((((((((EWS))))))))))))))))))))))<p>I am so sorry. I wish I could say something magic that would ease the pain I know you are feeling right now. I want you to know that I got your email, and came right here to offer some words of comfort to you, though I know whatever I say will not take away the pain.<p>Always remember that no matter WHAT happens in this, YOU are a good person, a wonderful person, and you have done all you could, and taken the high road, too. I admire your strength throughout the battle so far, you have truly been amazing.<p>If he is soul-searching, that is another way to say he needs space. He is probably, like Wiftty suggested, in mourning to know he is no longer the highlight of OW's life...withdrawal is next. Once that is over, he may be able to see his way a little clearer.<p>I will send you healing love and light.<p>love,<p>Jacky

Thanks you two! I know you are always here for me. <p>I am trying really hard to fight the sadness but it is so damn overwhelming. The whole reality is through his entire affair, he never left me. If he left the house he was back in 4 hours max! I still can't believe that he isn't going to walk through the door any minute, like in the past or call me and tell me everything will be alright. But the fact is, he is gone for real. At least for now. Funny he sent me an e-mail today telling me he was fine. He also said a lot of stuff which was just cold and uncaring and hurt real bad. Nothing mean, just unemotional. My reply of corse was that "I AM NOT FINE!!!!"<p>God I already miss him so much and it hasn't even been 24 hours. Does this part get easier?<p>My stomach is a mess, and I am sure not to sleep tonight. It is a cold windy night here. Lots of rattling windows and creaking joyces. I will keep in touch, maybe later tonight.

EWS,<p>I'm new (on this board) and haven't met you before, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I know what it feels like to be in recovery, and think that things are back on track, the future finally looks wonderful, just to have your world suddenly, unexpectedly blown away. <p>There eventually has to come a point where you say, "Yes, I love him, have loved him, etc.... but enough is enough". I knew I was there the second I found out about my WH's last infidelity and the lies that went along with it. As sure as I was though, I have been and still am overwhelmed with sadness. I'm not angry like everyone expects me to be - I'm just sad right now. They say the anger will come, and honestly, it will be a welcome relief. <p>I'm certainly not telling you that you have also reached that point - my story and yours are very different - but I would imagine that your overwhelming sadness is coming from coming to grips with the fact that this time it may really be "enough". You have every reason to be sad. <p>I'm rambling, but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I'll keep checking on you. <p>AB

e_w_s, like everyone else I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and how well I relate. I too have tried everything to save our M. <p>My H has been gone for over a year, loves me one minute, verbally abuses me the next. H refuses to see the OW as anything but wonderful, even after they've mostly stopped seeing each other and even after finding her in bed with his son (OW is son's age). <p>Our situations are all so sordid. Maybe we should just thank God that we're not the ones behaving like our WH's! I'd be so ashamed of myself and the grief and pain I feel now is bad enough without that!<p>I have given my H an ultimatum and now feel that D is inevitable. I decided I just can't go on with the lies, the indecisiveness, the continued contact, and, in my case, the verbal abuse any longer.<p>Right now you need to focus on taking care of yourself! Easier said than done, I know, but do the best you can. And eat something (I'm back there too), size 4 is small enough!