Monday, 2/4/2002 we will attend a mediation session. We wish to attend in the hope that my wife may start talking with me and open the door to working out our differences.<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: RichardK ]</p>

If this is a family court ordered mediation session like I had, anything you can't come to a joint agreement on will be decided by the family court commissioner or judge at trial (temporary support is ordered at pre-trial). You need to show the mediator that you are willing to compromise or they will end the session and let the court decide. This my friend is not the best thing. If the court decides, it could be a suprize. Usually if she has not worked out of the home but has worked in the home (kids, dishes, laundry) and the children are old enough to care for themselves a bit the mediator/court thinks it is a good idea for the wife to find work. That is unless there is some need to have her continue in her role - small kids, special needs of the older kids, or just your ability to have her financially able to stay home. I say do your best with the mediator, don't leave it up to a judge, also by giving her an inch you are letting her know that you want to take care of her. You said you wanted the marriage back, but then some of your points made it seem like you were being pretty straight edge on what YOU want and what YOU think she should have to do. As the WS in this one I think you need to bend a bit more, and try not to be confrontational. I don't know your whole story, but I bet your wife was very hurt and is very confused and just about a basket case about all of this. My advice, worth about 2 cents, would be to back down, and tell her you will give her what she needs if she will go to counseling with you and attempt reconcilliation. Good luck.

Richard,<p>
For some reason I couldn&#8217;t get your thread out of my head so I thought I&#8217;d throw in my couple cents worth. First off, let&#8217;s not get into a debate over religion or use it as a shield. You brake the sacred vows of marriage and she is totally justified in ending the marriage. I&#8217;m glad that you saw the errors of your ways and sought/obtained forgiveness from God but you have no right to expect the same forgiveness from your wife.<p>To me now is the time that your Christianity will be tested. Do you fight tooth and nail with the one you have betrayed or do you seek peace. The old saying about if you love something let it go comes to mind in your situation. Continued fighting and trying to force you will upon your wife, will only drive her further away. I say take accountability for your actions and try to do best by your wife by cooperating with her wishes. <p>Now I&#8217;m not saying to just roll over but cooperate for a fair deal. The fact is at this point she is going to divorce you and you can&#8217;t control that. However, you do have the opportunity to work through the process together, making decisions together, and come through this with enough of a friendship that it can be a baseline for a future relationship. <p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;1. That my wife is awarded exclusive occupancy of our home and that I be removed ASAP.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;&#8221; <p>Again, I believe you show your accountability by not forcing your will upon her. Plus your son deserves to stay in the home. Assuming your wife was a stay at home mom, why would you want to force her to relocate with the child?<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;2.. That with exclusive occupancy, that the home and furnishings, not be sold or divided until my 15 yr old son turns 18.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Why would you want to take away your son&#8217;s only stability?<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;3. Joint legal and full physical custody of our 15 yr old son.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>I ask that you don&#8217;t get caught up over titles here. Granted I have Joint Physical Custody of my daughter&#8217;s but that was largely due to my involvement with the girls prior to divorce and my role in raising them. Have y&#8217;all talked at all about a parenting plan &#8220;visitation&#8221; schedule? Plus how much time does your employment allow you spend with your child?<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;4. The defendant, (me) pay temporary and permanent child support.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>Temporary support is merely paid while the proceedings are going through the process. I know that you want to stay in the home but again this is a selfish request.

&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;5. That plaintiff, (my wife) be award her attorney fees to be paid by defendant, (me.)&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>In an ideal society you would have to pay her fees because of your indiscretions. As for not wanting a divorce, you should of thought of that long before you laid with another. <p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;6. That our state and federal tax return be split 50/50.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>I agree with her on this, thus allowing her to control how she spends her portion.<p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;7. That I pay for her education to re-enter the job market.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>I&#8217;m with you on this one. There is meaningful employment that she can obtain. How long has she not worked? <p>&#8220;&#8221;&#8221;8. Pay for her health care coverage after she is dropped from my group plan as a result of the divorce.&#8221;&#8221;&#8221;<p>I agree she needs to find employment but you don&#8217;t want her to be without. Doesn&#8217;t your insurance plan have a cobra rider that she can use for 18 months? What is the cost?<p>I really think the best thing that you can do now to salvage any type of meaningful relationship is to cooperate. Work through mediation to get all that you can settled before court. Not knowing where you live, I will tell you that there are a lot of &#8220;pro-woman&#8221; courts out there and personally I would rather assist in deciding the fate of my family rather than allowing a judge to rule on it. <p>Best of luck to you.

RichardK:<p>
How long has she stayed home? If it has been 21 years since she's worked outside the home..
paying Temporary support for her to get skills
to go to work and find suitable employment
to support herself is not an unreasonable request..I was a stay home mom for years also
and it's not easy to get back into the job market
with so many new computer programs are out there..<p>And Temporary support is just that, temporary
while your waiting on the divorce to become final..and then it becomes permanant..till the child reaches 18..<p>As far as not selling anything until your son turns 18, nothing really wrong w/ that..but, it
can make it difficult for her is she's not working and doesn't have the same income coming into the home thats she's accustomed too..because she won't be able to sell anything to even help pay bills,
if she needs too..(and yes, it can get that bad financially, especially if you don't have the skills to get a job that pays much above minimum wage)<p>From what I understand though, you may be asked if you feel that the marriage can be saved through counseling..I know my lawyer asked me this..and he said that if you feel that it can..they can ask and the court require marital counseling..not sure about ALL states..but I know where I live they can do that..they'd rather you try that first
before rushing into divorce and destroying the family..so maybe thats something you can look in to??<p>And the additional relief sounds like alimony..and if she's been a shm it's quite likely she may get it..