I am just in so much emotional pain right now, I hope someone can shed some light. My husband of nearly 18 years (I am 36, he is 38) came to me two days ago and said he wants out of the marriage, he is very unhappy and has been for over eight years (since before birth of our first son. Our second son was born 2 years later and passed away at 3 months old from a heart defect)<p>He has never shown me that he was unhappy (with us), and he doesn't fight with me often. Up until that day he has been completely loving, affectionate, caring, helpful in every way, romantic, and we made love often. He admits that he blew it and should have come to me with his feelings a very long time ago but he just kept trying to fix things with himself. He kept thinking he could get past his feelings and feel love for me again. Although he said he loves me, his doesn't love me, whatever that means. He used the old cliche "I love you, but am not in love with you" and admitted that he hated using that cliche... He says this has gone on for too long, and he says he can't get it back and he doesn't want too. <p>He initially refused to go to counselling with me as he has already made his mind up. Eventually he said he would go but not for a couple of months. I have since managed to get him to come with me on this Monday. I hold out little hope but I know he needs to sort things out. <p>I love him sooooo much and this has been a total shock. He says he loves our son (he is seven now, and high functioning autism) and he definitely isn't leaving because of the difficulties he has. If he would have come to me over the years with his concerns, maybe we could have gone to therapy, or I could have changed, or we could have somehow worked out the problem. He says its not me but you can't help but know I had a lot to do with it. I am sure I was just as nagging as the next wife, and worried too much about things, and maybe questioned him once too often about why he didn't phone when he was going to be late. (A sticking point with us, he would never phone me!!) I know he was never unfaithful as yesterday I asked him since he has been lying to himself and to me for so long, do I need to go get tested for AIDS or anything...and he said no. I really do believe him on this point. He doesn't want another relationship, he just wants time away from me to think. <p>We have talked a couple times and sometimes he eludes to maybe we will eventually be together, and other times not. This is killing me. I have been reading alot on relationships and talking with lots of friends who have had rocky marriages and went to counselling and had most things resolved and they continue to have good marriages. My husband is not getting any kind of support from our friends as everyone is mad at him for leaving me. I don't want them to be mad at him, because I think there is a psychological thing going on with him where he won't admit when there is a problem...or something. I wish he could be getting some help too but he said to me just now that he is not ready to get help until he has had some thinking time, and frankly, I am worried that too much time will go by before he has had enough time, and then it will be too late for us. <p>If anyone can help or direct me to info that might help, and maybe pass along to him (if this is a good idea?) it would be appreciated. I love him so much and miss him terribly (he is staying with friends) and it is hard for me to keep from phoning him and I don't want to push him away. I don't know how much I should do to show him I love him without making him feel smothered in his supposed "time away". He is coming tomorrow to take me and our son to breakfast and I told him that I would love to go with him, but if he was getting enough space and he said he was wondering about that, but he is also worried about our son too, and wants to keep a semi-normal family life for him - his autism makes it difficult for him to understand many emotional issues. Anyways, he decided we are going for breakfast and I am sure it will just be a fun outing for our son and I don't think it is going to be a talking session for us. Thank you.

Zaxmom,<p>I am so sorry that you are going through all of this pain. All of us in this discussion forum have been where you have been and know how badly you are hurting.<p>Please know that you will hopefully find comfort and support here and maybe some answers.<p>First, what is happening to you right now, unfortunately is not all that uncommon. It has happened just the way you have described it to most people here.<p>I know that the pain is great, but it may give you strength to follow some of these steps.<p>You need to read everything on this site. Becoming educated about what is happening to you is essential for your emotional well being. Understanding what is happening will help you to know how to make the decisions that you will face now and the near future.<p>Don't beg, plead, or try to talk your husband into coming home - it won't work. It's been tried, and found to only push them away. It also sounds like any relationship talk will drive him away too.<p>If you scroll down far enough(I'll try to find it and move it up to this page) there should be a post from anna2000 for new comers that has some links to some helpful sites as well as an explaination of the acronyms used in the forum.<p>After reading the info. on this site, you should read His Needs/Her Needs and print our the EN (Emotional Needs) questionaire and the LB (Love Buster) quesitonaire and fill them both out as if you were your husband if he is unwilling to do so.
The purpose is to figure out what your husband needs and what you are doing to destroy the love in your marriage. (We all have things we can improve on). Then you need to try and provide for this EN's and try NOT to LB (Love Bust). This is called Plan A.<p>The idea is to make the marriage an attractive place to return to.<p>You also need to determine if there is another woman(OW) involved - and if your H is in a PA (Physical Affair) or an EA (Emotional Affair).
Usually no spouse walks out so suddenly unless there is someone else. You may have to do some snooping - phone records, cell phone records, strange items on your credit cards, strange withdrawals from banks, decrease in your sex life, H starting to hide things from you. Etc.
The WS (waywayrd spouse) usually denies an affair - but it is more probable than not that H is engaged in one.<p>This being said - you will probably need to read the info. on affairs as well as SAA (Surviving an Affair by Harley) this will shed light on ALOT of things. <p>I know you don't want to think of another person, butthe odds are too great that this is the reason.<p>Affairs usually last 6mos. - 2 years after being exposed to the light of day. Read about Plan A and the Plan B. <p>Know that this is not necessarily the end of your marraige, but don't expect any easy answers or quick fixes. They're not out there. <p>Some other good references are www.divorcebusting.com - which incorporates this info. too. There are also some posts here n books - on GQII board I think it's a post by NSR about books - you can so a search. <p>If you need to let out the pain and stress, please come back to this board and post and vent!<p>Also, get a support system for yourself - friends, family and most importantly God. You will be gong through a very emotional time and will need lots of help. And remember, there are people here. <p>Sending prayers your way. K

This does sound so familiar. Hubby went out 1.5 hours ago to get some juice at the corner store (2 minutes - tops) It's so new to me, even though I've been reading up a storm here. I think we need an emergency guide! My thoughts and prayers for you.

My heart aches for you, so many of us have been through this. My husband denied for nearly a year that he was involved with another woman...and I believed him until one day I uncovered the truth... People just don't walk away from marriages for nothing...<p>You need to lovingly distance yourself from him immediately to give him the space he needs. There are some good books out there that may help you, by the Conways and Dobson.<p>The more you engage him in discussion , the more you alienate him.<p>Take good care of yourself right now: focus on you, eating well, sleeping, find some good support for yourself in family and friends who can be non-judgemental and keep this confidential. The less you focus on him, the better off you will be. Remember this: You had a life before he came into yours, you will have a life even if he decides to leave. As painful as this is, you will go on to have a good life irrespective of him.<p>You should also contact the best attorney you can find to determine your legal rights. You do not need to to do anything right now but you need to be well informed and have good counsel.<p>Also, my sincerest advice right now is that you talk to your Dr. and discuss anti-depressants for yourself...speaking from personal experience, abandonment can be a downward emotional spiral and cause major anxiety attacks, etc in which you may act in ways that are not helpful to restoring your marriage.<p>The meds will help level out your mood and help with anxiety. I didn't do this and did not know about sites like this or the above books til much too late, I did lots of damage.<p>I also recommend the snooping. I was horrified by what I discovered. He was most definitely not the man he portrayed himself to be. I learned that he was the most profound liar I had ever known, that he had been leading a double life under my very nose, none of which was discernable from our daily life. <p>the long and short of it is, take care of yourself. Be your own advocate. He is not going to be the loving provider and protector you had thought he would be. Don't be naive. Expect the worst but hope for the best.<p>Take care,

Hi all, thank you so much for your comments, they are helping somewhat. About the infidelity, I am not in denial, there has been no infidelity. He really is a good, kind, decent man and I know this was not the problem. Believe me, I have been searching back over the years for the slightest hint that something might have been going on and can't find anything. He was always very busy with our home business, and there was no extra money to be had. We don't have credit cards so there was no secret or questionable spending going on. There were no strange phone calls ever to the house or to our cell phone and none ever showed up on the phone bill. He would come home from work every day, full of wood chips - he is in construction - to shower and then spend the evening with us, sleep with me, get up in the morning at 5 a.m. and off to work for 6 a.m., then the same thing over again every day. Saturdays and sundays he had off and he always spent every minute with us. On paydays, he would hand me his cheque and I would pay all the bills and buy food (we don't have a lot of money) and I did all our banking online so I can see any withdrawals he would make. I know someone will probably say there is a way he still could have been having an affair, or that he really wants to have one now that we are apart, but I don't think so, not from the things he has been saying to me. <p>Anyways, more of what I was hoping for was how to win him back without being too pushy. We have been together for so long, so of course I would converse with him all day long, he would phone me from work on his coffee break, come home for lunch etc...we would talk about all the normal family stuff that needed to be done... we were always the couple that held hands everywhere we went, hugged and kissed every chance we got. We used to make our friends sick! I just am having a hard time NOT talking with him. I keep thinking of things that I would just automatically call him about and really have to hold back. I understand that I can't bug him, but we are almost finished building our dreamhouse (which probably will be sold now) so there are lots of things still to discuss on this. Every once in a while he says something to the effect that maybe we won't sell it, so I am hoping that means maybe there still is a chance for us. We went for breakfast this a.m. and I brought my calendar and made one for him and we discussed a few dates that he would be with our son. I also told him that as much as I want to be with him, and hear his voice on the phone, he can't just call me to show me something in a store flyer, or ask me to print him some business cards off our computer for him. He said that he knew that and understood...I want him to have the space he needs and at the same time I don't want him to think I am cold and unfeeling. He said he knows I am not. <p>Anyways, I won't see him again for 2 more days, when we meet at the counsellors. I am going to try and calm down and focus on my house and my son for a while so I don't go nuts. I think I am going to see my dr. after the counselling session at least for something for sleep, although I am afraid to be knocked out in case there is an emergency in the night with my special needs child and I won't be able to hear him... something mild would be good. Thank you all.

I bumped up some posts for new members for you to read. <p>There are some web sites for men going through MLCs (Mid Life Crises) and Males Depression.<p>Many people have accessed those site and have foudn them to be very helpful. <p>Maybe this is more of what your H is going through too.<p>(Not thatI want to rehash the issue - but my H worked 12 hour shifts and I accounted for every minute of his time - no strange bills, and I had access to all the finances - he had no strange phone calls etc. either - however, somehow he still managed to have an A - I'm not saying that's the case here - but it's not out of the realm of possiblity).<p>K

..."I bumped up some posts for new members for you to read. There are some web sites for men going through MLCs (Mid Life Crises) and Males Depression. Many people have accessed those site and have foudn them to be very helpful..."<p>Thank you for this, but I am very new here and don't know how to find these things you "bumped up" not sure what that means! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Are you suggesting I just do a search on the net for MLCs? or that you will post them, its okay, I think I will do that anyways. Thanks so much. I really do think there is a depression in him going on here, he always was asking me if I was happy with things considering we were always so broke and moving around alot to different cities find work. I always said that I was happy anywhere that we were together. I thought that was good for him to hear but maybe he just assumed I was just saying that and his pride got in the way or something. I don't know. I am sad to see so many people hurting on this board like I am, but happy to see the odd post about people working it out. I hope that can be us one day.

Sorry to be confusing. When I way bumped up, I mean that I moved some posts that have titles like - for new members that you should read that has info. for new members.<p>You should go to the search engine and put in MLC for this board and for the GQII board, there should be some posts with the web sites in them for you to access, and info. about books.<p>You can also go to your web page adn do some searches for male depression and Midlife Crisises.<p>Ther eis almost nothing you can do to make H come around except for Plan A.<p>Good Luck. K