Hello, some may know my story and some may not. Anyway my WS/W is involved in ongoing A's, when she is on the high of one she wants nothing to do with me. When she's on a A low she calls and wants to talk for hours about whats going on in my life and hers and always asking advice regarding her car maintanance, etc...Does anyone go through this? We are 1,200 miles apart...she has filed for dv already should be final in May. Does it seem like she plans to return after the divorce? She has made remarks that she has noticed the major change in me and see that I have become the person and doing the things I always talked about doing while still in the same house. Can someone tell me if this part of coming in and out the FOG or is this because the person she has is away for the weekend?...I spoke to her kindly and tried to show her I care still and told her I still love her but of course nothing in return but, Uhm humm..

OH, lots have gone through things like this...<p>You signed the divorce papers, eh? That's too bad... as it sounds like you still love her. We have seen some couples get back together even after the divorce, so it isn't impossible. But it does sound like you need to set some boundaries about her calls. <p>Did you ever give this a true Plan A effort? How about Plan B following?

NB...
As far as signing divorce papers, I fought not to, however she insisted that I did, she begged and said please let me go!, she said as long as I didnt sign I wasn't a man that could make decisions or handle his business, couldnt put things in order, weak minded,extreme passtivity, procrastinator..Therefore these things are love busters ....I therefore agreed to sign as showing myself capable....Therefore the longer I waited the other men in her-life appeared strong and decision makers, go getters, I was put in a position to respond, however when I did say ok I'll sign she stopped pursuing divorce for 3 months...<p>As far as Plan A,B.....I know what her needs are, but she is persistant to her own will right now.
As Mr Harley says, you can't do much if they are in an affair that they won't stop and communication must be broken off with WS, which I have tried to do as far as backing off and moving away. I worked at plan A prior to moving however she was into about 5 affairs by then. She confessed it all to my Pastor and his wife on one session together, only to go buy one of her lovers a shirt 5 days later and made plans to see 2 of them in 2 seperate cities same state, so yes I have tried since Nov 2000.<p>I have a friend who knows her recgonized that she was going through a MLC's. [example]<p>She's lost weight [down to 97lbs] was told she's so thin she looks sickly.
She buys the latest gangster rap CD's [she's almost 40]
She jealous of my teenage daughters hoping to look like them when she was there age.
She meets guys on the internet with Sex as the alure then they meet where she works.
Many affairs [don't know if any physical?]<p>Also in the State I'm in {no default DV law} it don't matter if you sign or not its still will default to whoever the filer is no question asked.I will say that my refusal did make an impact, once that court hammer goes down, thats when reality sets in of look at the mistake I made [the inner voice of the WS's]

Well, weekends are pretty slow around here, so you're stuck talking with me! <p>Here's the deal: I understand mid-life crisis better than I'd like since I had one when I turned 40. My history here is a 20 yr. marriage, H who cheated 5 times, me once (13 years after his first three affairs, and then he had two after mine for revenge). We divorced, I am married to someone else now. And be happy, I usually spend 6 paragraphs explaining that!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Plan A -- PLEASE go to the Welcome Letter linked in my sig line and READ, READ, READ. Plan A is done WHILE the spouse is in affair, to let the WS know that the marriage (you) is a safe place to return...<p>It stinks, it isn't fair, and it WORKS if you work it (like they say in 12 Step Programs).<p>My problem was that I didn't think it was fair. My (then)H wouldn't fight for me, and then turned around and "got me back" after my affair. When he cheated in the 80's, I fought for him and won him back. I wanted him to do the same for me. If he cared, he would end his affair (as I did) and come home to me. He wouldn't, so I divorced him. Now this all took place over an 18 month period, and I did *try* but looking back (that blasted 20/20 hindsight) I see SO MUCH that I could have done better - to save my family, you know.<p>Please go read and live and BREATHE Plan A. You love your wife, sounds like she loves you... divorce or not.... you can end up together.

NB...Since I stuck with you for the weekend [poor me]LOL..Just joking!...Ok let me get this straight...When you were in your affair as a woman, you still wanted your husband to chase you, say I love you, pursue you, fuss over you? I understand this when a person is listening but when they WS say I don't want to hear it, don't send me gifts, dont this or that, and say I feel bad because I don't feel that way about you and when I tell you I see others I hurt you the more because I'm not interested in a relationship with you, I'm not attracted to you. You're telling me this is what she wants. I've studied and knows this drives them away further, BUT you NB are saying it upset you that he didnt fight for you or pursue you correct? Tell me what you were thinking when he did say I love you even though you were with someone else, did you ever feel guilty? anything would help...Thanks!

Okay, here ya go:<p>My affair lasted three months, and I only slept with the man once. My entire affair was a cry for help. Now, it was still MY RESPONSIBILITY, and MY CHOICE to cheat, but underneath it all, I LOVED my H and wanted him to love me. <p>I felt so incredibly guilty that I wanted to die. I nearly did too, or at least it felt like it. I lost a boatload of weight very fast and ended up with severe colon probs and in the cat scan machine having x-rays for what they thought was cancer (wasn't, thank God)... I was a mess. Emotionally, yes, I *thought* I loved the OM, and I guess in a weird way I did. But it wasn't real. Honestly and truly, it was NOT.<p>I wanted my (then)H to take a stand (he didn't do that often) and to protect me from myself. It's unfair, it stinks... but let me tell you that HAD HE, I have NO DOUBT that we'd still be married and celebrating our ... gosh... 22nd anniversary this year. <p>Now, all this seems kind of moot for me to say since I'm married to someone else, but with the intent of helping you, I am saying that had my (then)H made a true Plan A effort, we would still be together.<p>So, my H will be home from work soon, and I won't be back till tomorrow (he works the same hours again) and I'll look for you and see if you have more questions. I'm happy to help -- and I sure hope this DOES help!!<p>[ February 02, 2002: Message edited by: new_beginning ]</p>

Say NB,......You made a comment about setting phone boundries, what do you mean by that? she only calls on her on every 2 months. So its rare but always long. <p>My next question this might be painful to answer is : WHen you were in the affair, what could your husband had said that would have sparked your attention his way despite your affair? example my W empty bank was spend time and hold her hand in public.<p>At that time, did you know that you were playing a game or anything with him, to watch him get irrated or anything?<p>Other issue - we're 1,200 miles apart, I know what her 2 empty needs are and that is spending time and holding hands - I can't do that from here. Any thoughts? She's considering moving in summer but dont know where, she said it all depends where my D goes to college at in that state, she plans to have D stay at home rather than a Dorm to save money,so she's willing to move wherever D goes to college, so I'm kinda lost on that. I'm not going back there because they all turned on me because of wife's hatred. D's still don't call this day. I call them weekly but conversation is oneway.

Good Morning!<p>Well, the phone boundaries: What I mean is to think about what you will and/or will NOT allow (as subjects for discussion) BEFORE she calls again. Personally, I also have a hard time with this, with my ex-H. Here's the deal with him - he wants me back. He's done "the work" he says... PROBLEM IS, I'M MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE NOW. This is why I am trying to help you BEFORE it gets to that point, when it's too late to work on that relationship (however, it's never too late to work on YOURSELF!).<p>What could my ex have done to get my attention? Well, ANY Plan A effort would have been appreciated. He *did* try for a very short time. Let me tell you something he DID do that DID get my attention -- and had he followed it up with more of the same, might have saved the marriage. (Remember that he instead decided to pay me back and had some affairs - DON'T DO THAT - like I need to tell you that! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>Okay, here's what he did that was WONDERFUL, but way too short-lived: Our anniversary (the 19th) was in April, 1999. I had already begun the emotional part of the relationship with the OM, and we had already kissed. I had told my (then)H that I was "confused" and "didn't know what he could do" to help me (classic WS-talk)... I spent so much time crying and began the big weight loss because I couldn't eat -- so much guilt, so much shame, so much confusion, and yes, so much excitement (embarrassed to write that now!)... okay, so he goes to a friend of mine who knows the truth and asks her what he should do about our anniversary, says I've told him I want nothing... now he doesn't know what she knows, she knows what he knows but says nothing further... but she does tell him to "think" about something small and VERY meaningful that he could give me... and she also explains that he's "too little too late" and it's gonna take some real effort to win me back now. So, for that anniversary, he had flowers delivered (he'd only done that ONCE before in 19 years), got dressed up and showed up at work to pick me up (he looked really good), took me out to dinner, and presented me with this really beautiful necklace -- something really unusual that he KNEW I'd like. I had nothing for him. I still get choked up thinking about it, for two reasons: One, that he made the effort, and two, that it felt too late - but HEAR ME: It wasn't too late. He FINALLY was making an effort, a REAL effort, and although I appreciated it, it didn't crack the shell I'd moved into completely. But it was a beginning. <p>Now I'm not saying that he had to BUY my love... but those who know me and/or have read the posts through the years know, he wasn't paying ATTENTION to me or my wants or needs. Yes, I was guilty too... but... anything that happened before (as in his affairs, abuses) were worked through by me, but when *I* needed HIM, he retreated. <p>There is so much more to the story, as you can imagine, and it would be a daunting job to read through all my posts. All I can say is that my (then)H had NO IDEA how SERIOUS our problems had become (affairs are symptoms of the underlying problems, I think) and once he realized it, I was gone. <p>I do hope that what I write helps you... you are more than welcome to do a search on me... and even on my ex, although he posted very little. He was NOT a communicator, which was VERY difficult for all involved, but especially for me. The OM filled that very important need quite well (and that's ALL the good I'll say about him, because I now see him more as an opportunistic pig - but I digress [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )... <p>Anyway, let me know if this helps at all...

Say NB, thanks for responding....Are you saying that while you were in your affair, you really were looking for a way out and your husband was the answer if he had continued a Plan A??..You say the affair is a sign of something else, my wife has had many [11],...Why continue a Plan A,B if she is happy with her lifesytle and she's having her lovers threaten to kill me and she stands by and listen as they dogg me, they drive her car, they answer her cellphone, they share stuff...why stay involved? She has no respect for me.......She wants the divorce so she can do all of this guilt free and not having the banner of being married but officially divorced. She's stuck on this, each time I bring up anything pertaining to us or love, she huffs and puffs, like would you please just stop that foolishness.