Well, should I still wait, move on or what. Here's what I'm talking about....<p>I divorced my wife 2 months ago. I am 33 years old. We dated for 2 years and were married for 13 years. We had never gone out with anyone else. For the first time in my life I lived on my own for the last 2 months and through that I was able to gain a new perspective and had many priorities rearranged with the help of God. I was saved and Baptised a year ago and I am a new and continually growing/learning Christian. My wife has been a Christian for many years. <p>A few weeks ago I sucked it up and emailed my wife telling her how much I missed her and still loved her. I wanted to get back together. I informed her of how God has been working on me during my time alone and that I even went out with one girl a few times and it just felt wrong the whole time. That, along with my pain and I realized what a mistake I made. I have always been able to make my wife laugh at will and from the dating shows I watch the women always say they want a man who can make them laugh. I KNOW no other guy will ever be able to make her laugh like I can. <p>But, she has decided to move on and that I have caused her enough pain (no argument there). She told me she is with another guy (that didn't take long) and for me to move on.<p>I am looking for comments on what to do. Do I remain faithful in hopes that God will work on her the way He did me and she will see that I HAVE changed for the better and my priorities are different (more toward what she is looking for).<p>I am pretty sure her new boyfriend is a friend from an old job she had that she stayed in contact with regularly. She always said he wasn't her type, but I know better. I also know that he can't keep her smiling the way I did, but if I caused her too much pain over the years, it might not matter and she might not look back.<p>Her last words to me was that she is seeing someone else now and I need to move on. An additional pain for me is that I know how God feels about divorce and feel this one is wrong.<p>Does it sound like she would reconsider ? My worst nightmare is that I do move on, fall in love with someone else, and then she contacts me after she realizes her current boyfriend doesn't do it for her and sees how I have changed. I have a popular website and message board where she can eavesdrop on me regularly and don't discount her doing that.<p>If I did move on and fell for someone else, I would not break it off for her. That's why I am seeing no one right now and don't want to.<p>I pray about it everynight and that's how God showed me what I needed to do. My problem is her view of me is so discouraging that even if God wanted to tell her to come back to me, she wouldn't be listening to him.<p>Thanks.

I admire you for seeing the pain you ahve caused and for allowing god to work in your life, You are doing the right thing by letting positive changes take place in your life, I really don't have answers for you on what she might or might not do, I can say that perhaps she needs time to see the changes in you with out you having to tell her how you have changed actions are louder than words. Perhaps she is saying move on to see what you will do, or maybe she really does have someone else and is sincere with what she has told you. I think if I were you I would give this a few more months and plan A here big time. Read the stuff on this site and get the bo his needs her needs from this site it is well worth the money, if it doesn't help with your wife it will certainly help in any new realationships you have. In the future if you did decide to move on and found someone else, I don't think it will matter to you if she changed her mind or not. Just take this one day at a time, be patient not pushy and she what happens, good luck and take care of yourself,

I CAN FEEL YOUR HURT!!!! I A'M SOMEWHAT GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED NOW GOING ON 10YRS, MY HUSBAND HAS DONE NOTHING BUT LIE TO ME DISRESPECT ME AND THEN SAY HE LOVES ME. I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT JESUS AND DIVORCE, BUT I CAN'T TAKE IT NO LONGER. ALL I CAN SAY IS JUST KEEP YOUR WIFE IN PRAY AS U ARE DOING AND BELIVE ME JESUS WILL COME THROUGH FOR U. HE KNOW BEST. ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD, SORRY I COULDEN'T HELP U MORE.

I can say this. Having such a big change of heart and life altering realization, it is now just killing me thinking of her with someone else. <p>I only have her claim that she is seeing someone, I have seen her a few times at our church, but not with someone else. But she has vanished recently and I believe she is now going to the earlier service to avoid me. She would not go out with someone unless he was a Christian, so I would think he would be going with her to church if they were serious or a couple. If she is with someone else, then I probably know who it is (a friend from where she used to work). <p>Which makes it even worse, because if she has a change of heart, but was with the guy I am thinking of, then she might want to stay friends with the guy. Which can't happen if she was romantically involved with him. That much I know, we couldn't make it with that hanging over our heads and still having him in the picture even as just a friend. That would create a new scenario for an affair down the road if we ever encountered any rough times and every relationship does regardless. It might not matter anyway, but just more things to worry about at this point for me.<p>Am I right in the thinking that, if down the road she broke up with whoever and wanted to get back with me, that she shouldn't stay friends with the guy?

I can also add that she said that even if she wasn't seeing someone else she has no desire to reconcile because it's too painful. And a lot of reasons she points out are from years ago when I wasn't even saved. I was a different person then. She stuck by me during the hard times and I kinda feel bad that she isn't around now for the payoff, if that makes sense.

This is a tough one. Many BS's would love to be in the position of your Exwife, but we can also understand your hurt.<p>Can you have a minister speak for you or set a meeting with the three of you?<p>You should definitely read up on Plan A and try to implement immediately. <p>I would suggest lots of I'm sorry's in all forms, and a showing of how you've changed. Letters, e-mails, flowers etc.<p>Maybe she'll fill out the EN and LB quesitonaire for you(they can be downloaded from this site) - if not you can fill it out as if you were she. <p>Will she go to a marriage counselor?<p>She probably is afraid to be hurt again, so let her know that you realize it will take time for her to trust you and invite her to witness the changes you're making in your life.<p>Will she read His Needs/Her Needs? Offer also to follow the4 rules of recover - you can print that out from this site too.<p>She needs to kow you are serious, and it may take some time, but hopefully she'll come around. K

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by whatalife:
<strong>I can also add that she said that even if she wasn't seeing someone else she has no desire to reconcile because it's too painful. And a lot of reasons she points out are from years ago when I wasn't even saved. I was a different person then. She stuck by me during the hard times and I kinda feel bad that she isn't around now for the payoff, if that makes sense.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>well if there is a payoff then it will be her loss. My ExW left me 10yrs ago I made great changes and worked hard on things,she was recieving the rewards for along time, at least i thought she was, when she got involved with OM, she left everything behind for him. In order for her to justify what she was doing she drug up the past and punished me with it. My therapist said affairs are addictions and the ws must drag up the past to blame bs for everything. When in the grip of and addiction we never see what we are doing wrong and blame everyone else for what we do. I think if you are patient and give her time and space she will take notice and perhaps see you different

I agree on the patience and wait thing, but while she is 'waiting' she is also spending time with someone else. Not only is that unfair, but it daily starts to turn me away. How can it not ? I think she got involved with someone else quickly to ease her pain, so I really can't fault that. It's just the circumstances that are very painful right now and may end up ruining any chance at getting back together. Which I know is what God wants at all costs. And just as important, it's what I want, too.

We all been down this road at the start just work on yourself and try to meet her needs she's ccomplaining about..<p>Here's a piece of a letter I found from year 2000 that my wife wrote she was going to give me, she don't know I have this so keep this a secret .
Letter:<p>Well, were faced now with a decision. We knew it would have to be made. You're right there is no communication, a lot of distance. Lets not pretend anymore. I don't want to fight. No one in this house is happy. We're not teenagers anymore. We can no longer fulfil each others needs. I'm not happy and hav'nt been for a long time. I've express to you on several occasions. You can't be happy either. I'm not the wife you need. I feel awful because while I may have once been her, I've changed and you've changed. With each effort I make to become her I dislike myself that much more because its not who I've become. We have diff ideas about many things. Thats not good or bad it just shows we are to very different people.<p>
Now all that sounds good, justified, meaningful, plain. But the only problem was she was in an Emotional Affair at the time and I didnt know it,she never not one time told me she was unhappy by the words of her mouth, As you see my wife is excusing herself from the relationship and also giving me the reason why I should move on, its because of the guilt and fantasy, deception. AS you see she left the relationship many years ago as she said she was unhappy ,thats why you are so in shock and caught off gaurd. But I do know my wife is going through a MLC, therefore hang in there and read and pray.<p>Just give it some thought, despite she had been involved in 5 EA's I assume [don't know if physical] but EA's just as good as physical for a woman. She told me after the 5th one " I really considered putting the marriage all back together" now this was 9 months after d-day.....She still calls me when the affairs are on the Low, she see's me as security and a way out, she's filed for DV already should be final in May, however I can tell she is still trying to keep the door open, even though I cut her loose like an addict so she can face herself, she see's I'm not so much her problem because the same issues exist with her as when we were in the same house [hummmm]...<p>All I can say is she's been In a hell on earth she's not having fun at all like she thought and after HER divorce is final, she's really going face more anguish because she's walking into the hands of strange men who are sexual perverts.<p>If you get the chance go to : www.personalitytype.com<p>You'll see yourself and also your wife, answer the questions according to how well you know your wife.