This is my first post here. A week and a half ago, my wife of 10 years walked out. No warning. IN fact, just that morning, we were playing around and flirting with each other in the bathroom. We always told each other that we loved each other and cuddled and kissed regularly. I have had custody of my 3 kids from a previous marriage for a couple of years. One of my kids, a 17 year old daughter, is in an inpatient program for behavior problems. The other two are well behaved typical kids.
Anyway, on Jan 13, I came home to find her clothes and a couple of pieces of furniture gone. I got a note that basicly said that we a re too different to be together and we have to work too hard to make it work. I was crushed. Granted, I was suffering from depression but Never thought that our relationship was even close to this. I know it's not OM because she was always home with me and there are no mysterious phone numbers on the cell phone bill, or unaccounted for time.
I knew something mey have been bothering her for the last couple of weeks, but when I asked her what was wrong, she always said "nothing"; not angrilly, just "nothing". So I took her at her word.
I called her a couple of times and she just unloaded. Not spitefully, she just said everything that she had on her mind. I asked her why she did not tell me this before and she repied that she knew I wouldn't listen.
I pleaded my case but did not beg of cry over the phone.
A week later we met in a restaurant so I could give her cats to her. I told her before the meeting that we could make other arrangements so we didn't have to see each other, but she was ok with the meeting.
Or dinner went well, we talked about things and laughed about a few other things. She told me that she needs some space and that she is 99% sure that she wants a D. She said she still loves me and she cried after we hugged and started to leave.
I told her that I loved her and my door will always be open to her should she decide to return.
That was 4 days ago.
The question I have is should I leave her alone completly? Or keep in casual contact but let her be the one to reestablish communications? I don't want to give her the message that I dont want to work things out. I have told her that. She has a dentist appointment on Valentines Day, should I drop a card by the dentist office so she can get a bit of a suprise when she gets there? I don't know how to go at it from here. Please advise.
Danny <p>In addition:
I'm 39 and she is 35. She won't go for marriage counseling. Her chief complaint is that we don't do anything together and we don't like the same things. That is not true. Admittedly, I have confused my priorities. I have been stressed over my kid that is in the psych center, as well as other issues and I have become a couch potato. I had completly withdrawn from life over the depression. I am getting help and medication for that and I am feeling much better as a result.
A couple of weeks ago, I offered to taker her on a cruise for a getaway and she declined.

I know that you are hurting and feel as if your heart has been ripped out, I am currently dealing with a ping-pong situation with my husband. As all of the people here will tell you, you need to get as much info. as you can about your situation. This web site is a great start. Look at Why Women Leave and Plan A/Plan B. I will pray for you for wisdom on how to handle this. Don't beg or plead, don't threat or give ultimatums, and DON'T hound her. Let her know that you love her and are willing to do what it takes to save the marriage. As for any more advice I have none. Just pray and use the wonderful tools that Dr. Harley has to offer. Here is a smile to brighten your day.

It's terrible that someone else has to go through this.<p>Try to get a support system in place pronto - friends, family, God, counselor. You will need them in the wekks, and months ahead.<p>Please read the info. on this site and although you may not suspect another person - it doesn't have to be a physical affair (PA) to make someone leave - it could be an emotional affair (EA) with someone who she sees regularly under no suspicious pretext. And usually no one just walks out without a word unless there is another person involved. The odds are just too high.<p>Anyway, once you read the info. on this site, you may also want to read His Needs/Her Needs and SAA (Surviving and Affair) which has info. about how to Plan A and Plan B.<p>The most important thing to do now is to become educated about what is happening in your marriage so that you will be able to make some good choices about what to do next.<p>First, don't believe everything she says as the entire truth. She's going through an emotional time right now and emotions change with the wind, and she may not be thinking straight - even if she says she is.<p>Don't be forced into doing anyting you don't want to do, like filing for divorce. Time is on your side. Time for both of you to think things out.<p>You may also want to read Divorcebusting by Michelle Wiener-Davis or go to www.divorcebusting.com. To get some more ideas.<p>This will be a difficult time for you, but get educated and then work on yourself. You can't control the other person. Try to Plan A and see what happens.<p>Continue to post here for suggestions. K

Hi,<p>I'd just like to share some of my own experience on going through marital problems while depressed.<p>It sucks.<p>But, the good news is, you've got a jump on it. You have recognized it, you're getting help for it. Keep that up. Personally, I was depressed, but I never paid enough attention to it, and before I got help, it was probably too late.<p>Now, I can recognize when I'm starting to slip into depression. And I know that means I need to make some changes - the hard part is figuring out what to change. Always remember you can only change yourself and your environment. You can't change her.<p>Going through a tough time like you are doesn't help, but remember, you were depressed before all this happened. Try to figure out what it was that was bothering you so much.<p>Hope this helps, and hang in there!

sorry your in so much pain<p>My h left on Feb 1...blindsided...told me on our anniversary...novemer he wasnt happy and wanted out. we too have a daugher in behaviour group home. Plus 2 boys.<p>I understand your confusion, cos none of it makes any sense...at all. especially sounds like my sitch...h was cuddly and friendly etc. leading me to believe that he was rethinking things.<p>Dont have a lot of advice....but one thing for sure..look after you...daughter will need you to be strong for her.
Its hard to do...especially when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and dissappear.<p>My solution with H is to give him the space he needs...see if he can figure this out, as he says its not me or the kids...but him personally I think its mid life crisis. I havent closed the door on him....but am being careful not to be pleading, or begging etc. I am acting like a lady, and am beginning to see that this is HIS problem to fix not MINE. sounds like this is HER problem and NOT yours...give her time to figure things out.<p>I know how much your hurting right now...I am too...but take things one day at a time. Unfortunately thats pretty much all we can do. There are no magic wands, or crystal balls in the real world.
Be there for the kids.
Keep posting here...since I have posted here..I have found tremendous caring and support.Ask questions, vent whatever you need to do.<p>If you need to talk you can e-mail me terracotta_2000@hotmail.com anytime.
take care<p>we all feel for you and are listening.