<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

Hi,<p>My thoughts are with you. My husband left me when I was 9 months pregnant and in labor with my 3rd...<p>Have you read the book "Love Must Be Tough" or any of the Conway's books? <p>I think the "tough love" approach is the way to go, personally speaking. Plan A works for some folks but not all. It never worked for me and when I did temporarily implement tough love, it started to work but I did not do it long enough, I caved in too quickly.<p>Nonetheless, you might want to consider the following: get a consultation here with a counselor or contact another site, called Divore Busting...if you can afford a consultation, I would recommend it. I do know that the best counselors are the ones who work at this day after day. I know of someone who got terrific advice from the other site and it did wonders, took a while, but it worked a while later because she stuck with it <p>You also need to talk to your doctor about what is going on...make sure that they support you and can help you after delivery.<p>My heart goes out to you and if there is anything you need, let me know. I have been there and done that.

Bumping up in case Still Reeling lurks this week.

I am so sorry you're having to go through this when you should be so joyful with this new life about to come into the world. Do you have a support system in place (physical, not cyber?) If not, please talk to your pastor or a counselor. I cannot imagine how much harder my D would be if I was carrying my H's child. I just don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am. For me, the kids and I just moved out of our home to an apartment. We are waiting for the D papers to be finalized, then on to the D. My H wanted to keep me in his life as his friend, also wanted SF occasionally. I have had to go to Plan B in order to find a way to detach emotionally from him. I fully expect our D to go through, and for my own sanity and that of my children, this was the way for me to go. I cannot advise you, other than to say if you're not speaking, he can't hurt you. I will say a prayer for you. I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.<p>MOM

<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

Hi K-<p>Just read this too, it's been a busy week. I sooooo feel for you. I tried like hell to Plan A at the point where you were and I was so emotional . I really needed him and he wasn't there at all. I remember crying at the sight of a happy pregnant couple, etc.<p>My husband is an alcoholic and I have learned the hard way that Plan A is not an option because he just abuses it. I have also tried Plan B, but I admit I don't do well with it. I am still strengthening my backbone shall we say. <p>I always felt that I really had to try my hardest to work this out for my kids' sake. I felt if I Plan A'd long enough he'd see the light, but the fog can be pretty thick and Plan A can open the door to a lot of pain, which is not what you need right now.<p>I guess what I learned in my experience and trust me, I am still learning, is that I don't know if my plan is really A or B, but rather a combination . I have stopped depending on him for anything, it only gets me hurt. I keep our conversations to a minimum, but am polite. I miss the fact that because of this we don't share a lot and it bothers me because without the sharing we can never fix things, but then I remind myself that he's not there anyway. I myself will be divorced in two weeks so I am to the point where I am polite and try to work with him as long as it doesn't infringe on my boundaries (I work really hard to keep these and slowly I am seeing improvement because he is testing me less), but I am moving on. I do stuff for myself and the kids and don't worry about him, when I do or if I slip up and argue it always slaps me in the face. Right now I don't need that. I guess I know that I have done all that I can. The rest is up to him. If he ever comes out of this fog, who knows what will happen, but at least he will remember me as a fair person who tried her best.<p>I know I haven't really given you any answers, but you already know that nobody really can. I will check back to see what you come up with.<p>Take care and God Bless!
K

<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

Hi again-<p>First of all, we rarely talk about the divorce, when we do we obviously don't see eye to eye, so we both avoid it, that's what our lawyers are for. For some reason we have both held to it and it is nice. We are currently negotiating things, we only disagree on three things and they all involve money so I am hoping to have it resolved before our court date of 2-19-02. I admit that at times it gets hard to wait for word from my attorney, but it is better than talking to my STBX.<p>Of course when it comes to our settlement offer he claims I am robbing him blind, out of my mind, you name it, but I hear that is very common for the non-custodial parent. My STBX doesn't want shared custody,or should I say shared placement, we have joint custody, well, actually he claims he wants it, but that his work schedule won't allow it. That is how he operates, he is the perpetual victim, nothing is ever his fault. It is totally irritating, but as I accept the fact that this is how he operates and I hold my boundaries it is getting easier.<p>You H sounds a lot like mine. When mine left and for months afterwards, he claimed how he was unhappy, that everything was my fault, that I drove him away, you know how it goes. It's all about the guilt. For a long time I really bought into it and argued with him. When I realized that by arguing I was giving him a way to transfer his guilt and blame to me I stopped. Now when he picks fights I remain calm, ask him to leave or to call when he is ready to talk without arguing, etc. He is then left to work through his guilt on his own. Of course in my case that means throwing back a twelve pack, but at least it remains his problem.<p>Don't get me wrong, I know I didn't handle all things about our marriage correctly. I don't think anyone does, but the fact remains, I didn't have an affair and when I discovered his I was willing to work on things. He refused. I too believe we could work things out if we tried, but I can't make him. That I think is one of the hardest things, to value your marriage and try everything to save it and at the same time watch your spouse just throw it away like it means nothing.<p>I really believe in setting boundaries. They are often difficult to keep at first because they are new, but as you make yourself stand firm with them each time it gets easier.<p>As for the threats about making the divorce hell, etc. Chances are they are just threats. My STBX is full of them, but when I don't give in to them I have always found that he backs down. That's where the courts help too. They make it much harder for them to pull stuff. My STBX threatened to file for divorce for months, he held it over my head and played it against me because he knew I didn't want it. In the end it was me that filed for many of the same reasons as you. At the time I was devestated, but now six months later I have no doubts that I did the right thing.<p>As for your kids, this is totally devestating for them, but as we accept it and move on with our lives I really believe it helps them too. I think seeing us okay and happy again is very reassuring to them. Their family may not be what they want it to be, but I know in my case at least we are much better off this way.<p>Keep writing. My prayers are with you.<p>K

<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

Big mouth butting in here...
Someone mentioned it before, but breastfeeding guarentees that there will be no extended visits. Most newborns can't go much more than 2 hours without a little mom. I don't know if you nursed the other ones, but taking away all the marriage/divorce stuff, breast is best! If you need some resources I would be more than happy to give you a hand. I am not allowed to say what group it is I am a volunteer for online, but one on one I would love to hook you up with some awesome supports and some actual cases of divorce where dad got diddly while baby was a nursie baby. And of course this isn't just to keep baby from dad, but this is to give baby all of the benefits of breastfeeding, and did you know that mom's get huge benefits too? Less risk of ovarian cancer, breast cancer, and the rush of relaxing hormone that comes from making milkies. OK, I admit it, I am a huge fanatic, but really it is a beeeaaautiful thing.
Elizabeth
elizabethwilkie@yahoo.com

Hi again-<p>First of all, my name is not Kathy, my STBX is not a Steve either, so I guess we don't fit the pattern.<p>It sounds like your H is playing a lot of games. Mine did too, I think most people in this situation find that. The courts will help with this. They set up guidelines and boundaries to follow, if someone doesn't you can handle it with their help. My STBX while threatening divorce and secretly seeing both the OG and I liked to come and go as he pleased. Although he had the kids every other weekend, the week nights were when he felt like it. There was no consistency and he was always free if something better came up. That ended as soon as we went to court. He really complained at first, but has long since stopped. It is much better for the kids too. They know that Tuesdays and Thursdays are Dad nights. <p>His retribution to me however has been screwing up the weekends. Although he has had every other weekend off on a set schedule for the last few years, he is now having all sorts of scheduling problems. I know he is trying to jack me around, but there isn't much I can do about it except document everything. I have done this since May and i highly recommend it if you aren't already doing it. My attorney says that it gives us a written record of everything that goes on, late pick ups, missed days, changed schedules, threats made, you name it. When he screws me over I never let him know I am upset. I tell him that I find it disrespectful, but I know he doesn't care anyway, furthermore, nothing is ever his fault. By not letting him see me upset he has to wonder why. It is all about perception. When he sees me calmly handling things he throws at me, I know it gets to him.<p>You are so right about the guilt they throw at you when you establish and maintain boundaries, but hang tight. It will get better.<p>You are also so right about their parenting qualities. They are not being fit parents right now, but they are in the fog and so it is useless to remind them. Besides, by playing fair and maintaining your dignity your kids will see you as the fair parent. I seems so hard when the slimeballs are getting away with so much, but kids are so perceptive. I have learned that I don't have to say anything, my kids have a really good read on their dad.<p>As for the baby. Good luck! Trust me, my home birth although not planned, went very well. I literally did nothing, there really wasn't even too much pain! From the sounds of your H he will probably back down on fighting for a lot of time with her because he will realize all too quickly that she is a lot of work. Of course this is horrible where bonding are concerned, but what can you do? I say be open to him spending time with her, but also be prepared to step in if problems arise.<p>Finally, you say it is unfair that he doesn't have to tell you anything, but you have to tell him things or he screws up your plans. Stop telling him, it is a control ploy on his part. It is amazing how they don't want us to know anything about them, but can't let go of us either. It is a double standard, but you don't have to let it continue - boundaries remember! <p>Get your lawyer to push for a fair and consistent visitation schedule. I find it hard to believe that your husband's work schedule can be as screwed up as he claims. Have your lawyer check into his schedule if need be. Remember too that visitation isn't based on leisure activities as much as our H's would like it to be, it is based around their work schedules only. The family court commissioner will do what's best for the kids. As my court comissioner told my husband when he complained about not enough free time on the weekends (His OG is 4 hrs. away at college and if he has to work every other weekend to get by and the other two are spent with the kids he as he put it will have no life) "You'll just have to get more creative with your resources and free time." She was very unsympathetic to his complaining. Remember they deal with deadbeats all the time. If you can get set days it will make things so much easier for you and it is good for the kids too. <p>I know this is difficult, but it does get easier. You are doing great. I'm always here for you!<p>K - not Kathy!

Keep doing what you are doing. This is tough with having a new baby coming in a few weeks. Your H is still in fog, still in me, me, me, of the wayward spouse syndrome. Just let the course of the papers go its way, he has laid down the course, and I have to tell you from my experience, there is nothing else you really can do. They make up their mind, and do only what they want to do. We talked with Jennifer then Steve and they all said the same. Unless the WS wants to committ themselves to the marriage, they will do only what they want to do.<p>Yes, I was treated so disrespectively by my H. He called me names, threw things at me, cause he was still talking to the OW all the time. I would come to ask him if he wanted something special to eat and find him talking to the OW, and he cursed at me, called me foul names, threw things at me, went venting out the door, calling me names as he was leaving.<p>Being the betrayed spouse is not easy, it is the most difficult thng in the world. Having to go through labor pains will be so easy compared to what you are having to deal with. My H still doesn't realize the pain he caused me and the family. He still is doing the me, me, me, selfish things.<p>Look forward to the creation inside of you. This is Gods plan for this baby, and will pray for you.