How do you deal with step-children that are the only reason you fight about. Especially if that child is highly intelligent and very clever in manipulating the situation to cause fights between you and your spouse. How do you make your spouse see this and work with you to solve the problem. According to family and friends this child has used this technique on every previous woman in his fathers life. Now that he see's we're married and I won't give up, he tries even harder to cause discontent between us. What am I suppose to do, ignore the child? That doesn't seem right. The child has never had a mother in his life and has the worst manners imagened. It has been over a year now and every +- 6 weeks he starts with it again. Talking to the child hasn't helped it only helps for a few days then we're back at square one. My husband refuses to see anything wrong in the way the child speaks to me or simply ignores any thing I tell him to do. Yet, my husband has told me that I am in charge of the kids, but when I take charge and try to resolve matters, my husband fights with me about it, and takes the childs' side. Tells me I'm crazy and I better watch it or we'll be seperated soon. I am no angel either, his kid gets my goat so badly that my bloodpressure shoots up and I get the shakes from anger and furstration. What am I to do about this child and my husband only seeing the angel in him. I have heard him speak to his mother and I am ashamed to say that he speaks to her even worse than he does to me. Someone please help, I fear for my sanity!!!

You and your husband are both guilty of love busting. Your husband is guilty of disrespectful judgments and you both are falling prisoner to angry outbursts. These lovebusters combined with your stepson’s disrespectful behavior is taking its toll on your marriage. Reading Dr Harley’s book “Lovebusters” would be very helpful for you both. Your husband must learn to put you first in his life, otherwise your love for him will continue to decrease. K recommends a book titled “The 10 Greatest Gifts I Give My Children” on his home page. I have not read the book myself but I have read the reviews.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671502271/qid=947875242/sr=1-1/104-4992399-5235625" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0671502271/qid=947875242/sr=1-1/104-4992399-5235625</A> <P>Also if you have not read the Q&A section on Blended Families I recommend that you read this as well. Click on the link below.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5008_qa.html</A> <P>Your relationship is certainly repairable but I strongly suggest you get to work on this immediately.<BR> <BR>Good Luck<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Scott

Dear Scott<P>Thank you so much for your reply. You have confirmed my suspisions about what we're doing wrong. I have read the piece on Blended Families and I am surely going to try and get hold of the book that you recommended. Now the big obsticle is to get my husband to talk and listen and partisipate in this effort to save this marriage. He doesn't talk and only sleeps and plays computer games. I love him dearly but I am not blind to the truth either, but I will do what it takes to make this marriage whole again. There are alot of other factors that I haven't mentioned, seeing that it was my first time here. I'm still a bit shy. But I am desperate for help. Do you have any suggestions as to how to get him to talk without getting him mad. He is in the withdrawel stage and that usually lasts at least a week. I realy need help with how to approach him.

Is your husband open to reading this site with you?<P>------------------<BR>Scott

scarlet--<P>Greetings from another wicked step-mom. <P>I have a lot of thoughts concerning your situation. Been there! My SS is 9, and sharp as a tack. H's ex isn't the greatest mom material, constantly undermining us. Ok, that in mind...my first thought is--your H originally displayed a typical male reaction to you being "in charge" of your SS, EXCEPT when there's a problem. This is typical in blended families. Your H feels he must defend his son, and pretty soon it seems like there's a battle ground drawn with you on the other side! <P>So here's the trick...it's not easy and it's not quick...but start working on not BEING on the other side of that imaginary line. Appeal to your H's logical side AND his love for his son when discussing problems. You married the man, you accept the child too! A blended family is NOT like the "original" family--its starting point is somewhere in the middle. You will experience frustrations, your H will, and so will your SS. But remember, you are the adult, your SS is the child. Children DO appreciate boundaries and WANT to learn ways of proper social acceptance...why? Because they love praise and feeling cared for.<P>My SS displays the most atrocious manners at times. It's difficult to keep him using good study habits. He has a child's selfishness, and being an only child in what was originally a dysfunctional marriage, playing well with my daughters and kids at school goes from great to horrible. Some of it is typical-kid reaction, some of it is more intense due to circumstances. Sometimes I'm his best friend. Sometimes he detests me. And sometimes I have more patience with him than others. <P>Try to remember especially that rules in your house do NOT have to be the same as when he's with his mom. Your family has its own set of rules. This can be pleasantly conveyed when your SS might whine, "that's not the way we do it mommy's...." Just tell him that's fine, but this IS the way we do it here. Don't let him know he's ruffling your feathers. Work on a reward system, it doesn't have to delve into expensive gifts--reading a special book w/him, happy hugs and tickles, an extra 15 minutes on the Playstation, whatever turns his crank. Chores are important, and when he does his chores well (age appropriate, of course), high praise indeed! He will respond to you, more and more, over time. Don't try to be his mom--he HAS a mom. Be his cool step-mom, or his adult friend who cares more about him than anyone not blood-related to him. Whatever works in your situation.<P>We were fortunate in having the kids a part of our wedding (tiny ceremony, justice of the peace). I smile every time I hear my SS make reference to "our wedding." It was as much his as ours.<P>Have a talk with your H (NO lovebusters) and agree that you will support each other's decisions concerning your SS. Hopefully, your H will see the logic in not arguing a point in front of your SS...see if he will at least agree to not contradict you in front of your SS, even if he wishes to discuss it with you for future action at a later time (and don't contradict him either!). And while you and your H are agreeing to what your family's rules are, lighten up on the punishments--if in doubt, DON'T. Yes, this will create chaos for a little while, but it's more important for you and your H to get on track with agreements on discipline, etc. FIRST, rather than give the child mixed signals. It will benefit you in the long run. <P>A big part of this is gaining your SS's trust. Show him that he can have a special relationship with you. I read a book where it said a little boost to developing that relationship might include little secrets or special activities just between the two of you. My H and I do that, with humor. Nothing too big, but kids so love to think they have a secret or got away with a little something special to which their bio parent may have disapproved. For example, a rare ice cream cone that WILL ruin his supper, or staying up to finish that movie well past his bedtime, with conspiratal winks--YOU allowed this. (Tell your H at first opportunity, he will enjoy the humor too and the bonding taking place.)<P>Raising kids takes a lot of creativity and being quick on your feet. Your post reflects your intelligence--beat that little one at his own game and show him who wins--everyone. <BR>

Also there are supports lists out there for stepmpms. Sign up at <A HREF="http://www.onelist.com." TARGET=_blank>http://www.onelist.com.</A> <BR>There is for stepmoms and one for christian stepmoms

Thanks for all your advice, but the fact is that yesterday he has told me to get out and go back to South Africa. He doesn't want me to stay in Canada. I have talked, cried and begged and most of all prayed. Now it's in Gods hands. And I bid all you good people farewell. I will write soon to give you update on my situation once I'm back in South Africa. I have no other choice. At least there I have my family and friends to support me. May you all be blessed. <P>Charlotte Stewart