<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

Hi GiiC,<p>I prayed about an answer to give you, and I got:<p>Invite him to be there, let him know how important it is to you, then let him decide.<p>If H makes the decision, how can there be any resentment on his part. <p>I don't know how you're doing this, being pregnant, going thru what you are and yet, finding the strength to help others here like you do.<p>You sound pretty strong, but I know this must be so hard for you. Please know you're in my thoughts, GiiC.<p>Prayers,
Jo<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

You didn't really say if you WANT him there. I sense that you are trying to "do the right thing" by him as the father of the baby. I give you BIG integrity points there.<p>Do you want him there? If not, don't have him there and don't be guilted into having him there. He gave up all rights to be there when he walked out on you for the OW.<p>So, if you think it will be good to have him there...invite him. If not...if it's gonna stress you out or make you sad....then no. This should be a happy time between you and your baby. <p>And I think whichever way you decide, you should have someone who you love and will support you there, like a sister or Mom.<p>Just my opinion.
Aloha,
Ms.O

I agree, if it's going to stress you out to much then don't ask him to come in..<p>But, if you really want him in there and want him to be a part of this..ask him..and let him decide..but, let him also know that you want him there for support, and not to cause you or the baby any undo stress..that could cause complications during the delivery..but, if it would actually be more helpful to you, knowing that he's home with the kids and taking care of them then go that route..<p>I'm sorry not much help here am I?? <p>Pray about it..you still have a few weeks..

<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

You can always ask him to leave if he is being a [censored] or making you feel stressed. But you know, this little miracle is a miracle and who knows, maybe it will give him a kick in the butt. Not one that will put him back where he belongs, but one that might make him think about what the heck he is doing. There is nothing like that instant bonding that happens when baby makes that first noise and you get to touch baby for the first time..... excuse me, I have to go love my kids now.
Elizabeth

Hi -<p>I was faced with this very issue last year. My ex H left on March 18 after waffling between the OW and I for 4 months. Our third child was due on April 27. (OW's birthday.)<p>He abandoned me. He abandoned his two girls, ages 1 and 3 at the time. He moved in with her. I chose to not have him in the delivery room with me. He would have made the birth horribly stressful and ugly. He didn't care about me - he made that abundantly clear. And the labor IS about the mother. I felt he could meet his son when he was born. <p>I didn't call him when I went into labor. I had my dad call him 5 minutes after I delivered. He came to see him after he was born. He was very angry I didn't tell him I was going into labor, but I didn't care. He gave up many rights when he left us all, and being there for the delivery was one of them, in my mind. I don't regret it. God was with me during the birth, and I had many friends and relatives there to support me. The atmosphere was so much nicer knowing he wasn't there. The stress of the affair and the separation already compromised my pregnancy. I wasn't about to compromise the birth. <p>You may feel differently than I did. I was made out to be the evil one by his family due to my decision. I think I was also afraid that if allowed him to be in the delivery room, I would be hoping against hope that would snap him back into reality, and I needed closure, not hope. Good luck. The hospital will support your decision to have whoever you want there, if you decide not to allow him access. I agree with praying about it. Protect yourself first and foremost. I can tell you've put him first most of your marriage. Now it is time to put YOU first! And your precious baby. God will help you know what to do.<p>WhoamInow (Krista)

My former husband told me as I was in labor that he was leaving me when the baby was born...he ended up being in the delivery room with me. It was horrible.<p>I say don't do it if you don't want him there. He hasn't been there for 8 months, he has physically and emotionally abandoned you and the children already. You have gotten this far without him, you can do this without him as well.<p>Better to have good support than a painful reminder of broken hopes. <p>Let him take the initiative if he is such a good father...if he is so super and caring, believe me, he will be there for you. But if he hasn't lifted a finger and has let you go this far, living with his parents, and not expressing concern about you and the baby, why would you want him there?<p>Sorry if I sound so angry, I am. I can't believe how heartless people can be, especially toward their own. <p>How are you doing otherwise?

<p>[ February 04, 2002: Message edited by: jtois ]</p>

<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by God is in Control:
<strong><p>
And now he's happily planning how he can get the kids whenever he wants them and how to keep as much money away from me as possible - wants me to get a job - yesterday. Just let someone else raise the kids he says -<p>You can't ever recreate the birth of a child - <p>Of course he says she'll NEVER know about what he did - having A while mom was pregnant with her and then leaving mom alone for OW during pregnancy - unless I tell her <p>Anyway, H has issues with control, and when he received the separation papers(filed courtesy of me) he says he's going to be very angry -<p>So here I sit. Awaiting the court battle due to ensure the Tues. before we induce the baby, and me wondering whether he's even worth it anymore - well actually I mean is it worth it to hold out hope so that maybe one day the kids can have a mom and dad who are actually married to each other.<p> Maybe this time I should just take him at his word and let him reap the consequences of his actions. It's just the natural instinct of the BS to try and protect WS from themselves, but you can only do so much.<p>. K</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Your letter brought tears to my eyes. I cant believe how strong you are, and what a [censored] he is. I wish we lived close by, I'd love to be there to encourage you to stay away from him. <p>Dont let him in the delivery room. He doesnt deserve it all. He cares nothing about you or your unborn child if he actutally wants you to go to work. And leaves you at home with a baby on the way and two other children. How would you feel if he brought OW to the hospital? I wouldnt put it past him. He is manipulative as well. Saying that your D wont find out what an a$$ he is unless YOU tell her.Humph. He tries to turn everything around on you making it seem like its your fault.<p>GO TO PLAN B ASAP. Counsel with Steve. If you D, your not losing much, just a heartless selfish manipiulative $hit. You say he's got control issues? Well, DO NOT allow him to control YOUR life. He made his choice, OW over you and his children. Have nothing to do with him. Do not allow him to have any part of decision making at all in your life. Heck, I'd even give the new baby your maiden name.<p>I've never seem any post about WS as heartless as yours, and I've been here a year. I've never critisized anyone's WS before. I'm not a vindictive person. I say this because I dont want you to blow me off. Stay away from him, and absoloutely do not allow him in the delivery room. It is about you giving birth, you need support. It's just a control issue for him. Do not allow him in your life at all. Plan B my friend. And no overnight visits for baby. Impossible if you are breast-feeding.<p>Ok, off my soapbox.
BTW, this really ticks me off.<p>Warmly,
Dara

GiiC,<p>Altho I feel very much like SLAIG (Still Learning as I Go), I know how hard it is to turn your back on your WS, the father of your children. <p>I kept saying the same thing you said "I felt I should protect my WH from himself". Guess it's the mothering and nuturing instincts we are born with. <p>Your H is being pretty aweful. Just extremely disrespectful and uncaring. It does disgust me. Those are his children, his flesh and blood, having him turn his back on you and them makes a person see that this "FOG" thing is real. It has to be. What normal (non-A) person would treat their family with such thoughtlessness and indifference.<p>I am still praying for you and your H. Please take good care of you. Keep posting to us.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hi,<p>When I had my youngest son, it was at a time when I noticed the ever so evident "distance" most of us sensed in our spouses before everything went to heck. There was no talk of divorce back then, but the signs were there. Well, I can tell you that it is the most unbearable thing in the world to give birth to a new human being and have the other parent there acting as if this were ruining his tee time. Then when you are full of happiness to see the face of your new baby for the first time, you look over and see nothing but indifference on the face of your husband. DO YOU REALLY WANT HIM THERE! I have that memory of his indifference to my sweet pumpkinhead's birth forever now. It's very painful.<p>If you reconcile, he will have to accept that him not being there was also the result of his infidelity and he will have to take responsibility for that too, not you. It's a consequence. How many teenage unwed mothers make darn sure that the father is there for the birth. That's because most of them don't give a darn that they've produced offspring. I ask you, in the context of someone heading for divorce, what's the difference? It wouldn't be a loving family experience. I say have mom and sis there or a good friend, anyone who's been helping you with getting thru ALL this emotionally. He's a barren wasteland.<p>Nobody ever accused me of not having an opinion, that's for sure! Take care please.

If it were myself in your position, I would ask H if he really wants to be there, for the child or for me? Do you really want him there, knowing about his adultery? Cause you should tell him honestly your answer, and then let him decide. After all, God made this child, this child should have his father to help guide him through his life. But the father needs to be there for the right reasons. If he is there for show, tell him no-show would be better. This is hard, especially with you having 3 other little ones at home, and then bringing a new baby into the house, disrupts the house and causes stress strings to tie tightly. Tell us the answer, when you find out. Would hope that he has asked God to help him with this one. Congratulations, on the new arrival.

<p>[ February 11, 2002: Message edited by: God is in Control ]</p>

Hi K-<p>I just read this or I would have responded much earlier. I can relate to your situation all too well. I know how you feel, my WH even said many of the same things. My WH never came to a single doctor appointment, ultrasound, whatever, yet he wanted to be there for the delivery. I went back and forth on whether to have him. At first I thought no way, then I thought maybe it would snap him back to reality. I vascilated between these two feelings for a long time.<p>I finally decided to let him be there. I chose to do this not for him or for me, but for her. I felt that this precious baby had already lost so much due to her dad's for decisions that I couldn't deny her his presence at her birth. I thought to myself, what if when she is older and we are looking back through the kids baby stuff,pictures,etc. and she realizes that she is the only one who is missing her daddy at her birth. If he chose not to come that would be his choice, but I was not going to deny her his presence. <p>Anyway, God works in mysterious ways. As it was to be, my whole labor lasted only 55 minutes. By the time I thought it was something to call my WH about, 30 to 45 minutes had passed. Although he came right away, I ended up delivering my beautiful baby girl by myself in my bathroom while her 3 siblings slept in their bedrooms right next to our bathroom. Her dad arrived 1 to 2 minutes after she did.<p>Now, although her dad missed her delivery, she has an incredible story to tell. Much to my disappointment her dad has still not bonded with her as I had hoped, and she has totally not bonded with him. He is only now at 6 months realizing what he has missed with her and is now struggling to make it up, but she for the time is not really responding.<p>I will pray for you. You have to do what you think is right, but also keep your baby's feelings in mind. Remember that she didn't get to choose her father, but that he is still with all his shortcomings her dad.<p>God Bless and take care,
K<p>PS- Any names?