It's 6:35 and my stbx is just arriving. He's suppose to be here at 6:00. He's never on time. He's always late. He doesn't have a job...<p>I call him at 6:30 and he says I'm almost there. With a very calm and nice voice I said, "Can you please, please do something about being on time in the future, the kids are starving? He starts in with excuses...Nicely, again, I said, "****, you are late every week." He screams at me and says, "I don't need this sh**t, go to heII!" and hangs up on me. <p>I am so sick of his bull. I am so sick of the lack of responsibility. I called him back and left him a message. I said from now on, if you aren't here at 6:00 the kids and I are going to eat. You only see them once a week. Don't you miss them enough to be on time." OF course I said, it nice and calmly AGAIN! <p>I am just so sick of him!<p>AND THERE'S MY VENT!<p>ANNA

Okay, now I am just mad at myself for allowing him to pull me into this BS!<p>He calls me, he's got the kids so I answer, he says, "If this is such a problem, maybe we should just pack the kids bags from now on and they can spend the night on Tuesday night." <p>I called his bluff, (actually it doesn't matter to me if that's what he wants.) I said, "Fine, but you still have to be on time." The kids start asking when are you coming at 5:00 p.m., they start talking about how hungry they are and this goes on until 6:00. They sit outside in the rain at 6:00 waiting for you. They finally gave up. I think you owe them enough courtesy to be on time." <p>He says, "Well, I'm just tired of you being my mother." He hung up.<p>I called him back....SHOULDN'T HAVE...voice mail picked up and I said, "I am not trying to be your mother, you can be irresponsible or late all you want to be every day of the week but on Tuesday night you need to be responsible and be on time, because this effects me and the children."<p>He calls me back and says, "I find that last message to be harrassing, and you better stop." I hung up on him. I don't need to respond to that.<p>Sheesh. I am so mad at "ME" for getting pulled into the BS again!<p>Will I ever learn?<p>I am going back to my boundaries now. I am going back on that horse and will hopefully stay there.<p>ANNA

I know why he's laaaate, I know why he's laaate, simple. CONTROL. It's all about him baby, all about him.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by justthewife:
<strong>I know why he's laaaate, I know why he's laaate, simple. CONTROL. It's all about him baby, all about him.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Justthewife,<p>You are sooo wise!<p>That is so right! If he's on time, he's conforming to someone elses rules. If he's on time some how he feels that I have control. By being late, he has control. SHeesh! <p>Doesn't he see this just hurts the kids? Isn't that more important than his little control games.<p>ANNA

Well, I guess he couldn't break his record tonight by doing something responsible so he fed them Cinnamon rolls for dinner at Cinnabon...<p> [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sheesh!<p>ANNA

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Anna2000:
<strong>
You are sooo wise!
Doesn't he see this just hurts the kids? Isn't that more important than his little control games.
ANNA</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Not wise, just been stupid for a long, long time. He doesn't care if it hurts the kids, well of course he does, but he comes first doesn't he? It is kind of like what I imagine being schitzophrenic (sp?) would be. <p>I want to see my kids.
I don't want to play her game.
I feel bad if I hurt the kids.
I feel worse if I don't do what I want.
I think I will do what I want.
Yes, I will do what I want.<p>All of that in a mili-second. I really pity them. And the pisser of it all is what do you say to my 8 year old boy when dad is late for his supervised breif visit? Your dad is a fart? No, we say there must be traffic, he had to work late, the car didn't start. yah yah yah, It all boils down to him gettin his, and ta heck with the rest of ya.

okay, First this is hillarious....<p>He put kids in the middle last week and tried to get my children mad at me, to take sides.<p>I told my children they need to set there own boundaries, and if dad or I try pulling them in the middle, to tell us this, "We love you both, we do not want to be pulled in the middle of your argument."<p>Tonight my son told me he had to tell his dad three or four times, "Dad I do not want to hear this, I do not want to be in the middle of your argument with mom." hehe My children are learning!<p>Okay, on another side...<p>He called after dropping the children off, I refused to answer, the answering machine picked up, he said, "From now on you need to write me letters, and btw the children didn't eat much, they weren't even hungry, you are full of crap." <p>Sheesh! It didn't even bother me, because I know who the one that is full of crap really is...<p>c'ya'll,<p>ANNA<p>[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

OK, let's think here. Cinnabon for dinner vs. meatloaf, mashietato, butter corn, breadnbutter, and a little TLC. Gimme meatloaf any day. As I poke on and off the puter I am making oatmeal and string cheese with bitty carrots n ranch cause dinner tonight was supposed to be with dad, who wanted to feed them angel food cake. They will never get it and it will just be easier for us if we get over it. (that is totally impossible I know) I wonder if your kids are a bit hungry now.... I am lucky to live in my folks summer house. That way I can go outside and scream whenever I want. The only other neighbor I have is a coupla doors down and he is a college student living in his folks summer home..... Hey pool boy.......

AaaaaaacK! I see my future before my eyes with how your WH behaves.<p>He's always only 5 or ten minutes away - which means I can add about 10 or 15 minutes to that estimate.<p>He also says the stuff about that statement was harassing or something to that effect - they ar eso defensive - and I get the don't be my mother stuff too. (It's not mothering - it's common courtesy).<p>Sorry you're having a rough time. I'm sure I'll be having som similar vents in the future. K

Anna Anna Anna, <p>Yes, it's about Control sweetie..but you know this
already..<p>Something you can do..is after school...on the days dad is supposed to get the boys..feed them
a little bit bigger after school snack...<p>If he tells the kids he'll be there at 6:00 then
he's breaking his promise to them..You don't need
to make excuses for him..(LET HIM EXPLAIN WHY HE IS LATE) if they ask you where he is..say <p>"I'm sorry sweetie, I don't know where your father is, yes, I know he said he'd be here at 6:00, and I am sorry he's late..why don't You call him on his cell and ask him?" And add, if he's not here by 6:15, we'll go ahead and leave and go get something for dinner..we can leave him a note saying..kids were hungry..you were late..went to get them something..<p>That way..it takes you out of his relationship with the kids..and MAKES HIM responsible to answering their questions..and NOT YOU!!!
And it lets the kids know that they will still get to eat something by such and such a time whether
dad is there or Not..and if you do this enough..
he will either be there..between 6:00 and 6:15 or he won't see the kids..<p>That is setting boundaries for you and your kids..
so make sure that your dressed and ready just in case..he doesn't show up by 6:15, then walk out the door... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

The only hassle with TR's idea is that then by not being there (even if he is late) you are putting yourself into the "interfering with placement of the children" soup. That opens up a whole new mess o crapola. She is right though, why should you make excuses for him? Let him explain himself gosh darn it. I'm gonna try that, and see what [censored] has to say for himself next time. How much do you wanna bet he can make it all my fault.....

Well, your not interfering..because you waited..he said a time he'd be there..and as far as you knew
he wasn't coming..(doesn't matter that he showed up late before) as far as you knew..HE hadn't called to say he was going to be late..so you didn't think he was going to come over..<p>And the kids will see through his trying to blame you..they are pretty smart..

I get it, I had no idea why he wasn't there, I figured he wasn't coming, so I had to feed the kids... I bet it doesn't take more than twice for him to figure it out.

JTW and TR,<p>True, about it not interfering. If there's no phone call and the children need to eat, then he must of forgot...<p>He has to realize it is all in his control to see his kids, all he needs to do is get here on time. <p>I told him over the phone I don't expect him to be on time 100% of the time, just 80% of the time would do. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so.<p>Well, I got a notice in the mail yesterday. I have a certified letter waiting for me at the post office. STBX sent this to me. Oh joy! What next...<p>Thanks for the support guys,<p>ANNA<p>P.S.<p>Yep, the children were hungry when we got home from eating cinnamon rolls for dinner, but then it really doesn't say much because they are always hungry.

God is in control,<p>I really hope your stbx isn't like mine, but from the things I heard, I have to agree with you...<p>Take care and I hope things are getting better for you.<p>ANNA

Anna,<p>yes, these are manipulative and or controlling people, but one can control the situation right back. . . <p>make an agreement that is a half hour early. . is an option. . .<p>i agree with TR, let him make his own explanations. . . to the kids. . . don't answer with assumptions, don't answer with your interpretations, just answer what you do know for absolute certainty. . .<p>however, you can also screw up the dinner royally. My X did that yesterday on my night. . .
X did not give 9 11 yo daughter adecent sandwich, she said she didn't understand why there wasn't much in the sandwich X made. . . so she was starving and at home early afternoon, ate two bagels. . . now she didn't want anything for my dinner. . . which was chicken, baked potatoes and gravy, which is much better for you than bagels. . .<p>so feed intelligent snacks, fruit, milk and low sugar cookies, make sure they are properly fed, and answer with only what you know for certainty, and only about yourself, not others. . . and plan him ahead of time and your should be controlling the situation responsibly.<p>alot of your vents are about unrealistic expectations of the stbx, unrealistic because you are expecting him to be something that he repeatedly shows he is not. . . that is your problem, your lack of reality viewing, and subsequent lack of effective problem solving. . .<p>remember, having unrealistic expectations is an easy way to give yourself permission to use anger, which is not really necessary in this situation, and is generally never effective. . . <p>from the book, "If you meet the buddha on the road, kill him" by sheldon b. kopp<p> LOVE <p>Love is more than simply being open to experiencing the anguish of another person's suffering. It is the willingness to live with the helpless knowing that we can do nothing to save the other from his pain. <p>Anna, you are having a hard time letting your H live without living up to your expectations. . . which i suspect was a contributing problem to your marriage to which he responded inappropriately, because i suspect you didn't convey your feelings in a non blaming manner . . . which leads me to the advice:<p>keep working on yourself: 1) your clarity of viewing life, this is where buddism comes in helpful, because it teaches you to view life clearly without overlays of past interpretations and injustices. . . 2) your own problem solving abilities,. . . if he is habitually late, don't mentally or otherwise expect or force him to be otherwise, make adjustments in your schedule to expect hime to be late.. . . 3)work on your response mechanisms, try practicing not responding to little tiny hostage situations, only respond to the big ones, and then you will be more effectively heard. . .<p>good luck
wiftty<p>wiftty

Wift,<p>Just wanted you to know, I did read this. Just struggling with how to answer your post.<p>Thanks.<p>ANNA

You don't have to answer the post, you only need to think about it, and see if you can take any possible points about it to integrate into your new life.

edited post below. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>

Wifft,<p>Thanks for the comments. You mentioned getting control back. I think that it's not really about the situation being controlled by either my stbx or me. What is there to control? It's his schedule. He's the one who told his attorney 6:00. So what's the issue?<p>BTW, I learned today that I can't do much about his tardiness until the final decree. My attorney says that she'll put it in the final papers if he's 15 minutes late, he won't be able to pick the children up. I don't like that it has came to this, but at the same time I think he left me with no choice.<p>You stated that you suspect I didn't convey my feelings in a non-blaming manner. I am sure you could imagine my tone to be a blaming tone, but unfortunately you would be wrong. I guess there's nothing I can do about how someone interprets what the way I talk until they hear me. <p>When I called him to ask him if he was on his way. I thought it would be easy to just ask if he can start being on time more often and he'd say I'll try better. I was wrong, instead as usual his guilt about always being late, and knowing that it is true he is always late, got to him and he can't take guilt, so he turned it around and started yelling. That's his problem, Wift, not mine. <p>As far as saying I am not problem solving effectively. I vented, and then with TR's and Just the wife's help, I came up with a solution. Which can't work for now, but what I can modify it a little and if he continues to be late I can feed them dinner at home. That's problem solving Wiftt.<p>When you stated I am having a hard time letting stbx live without living up to my expectations. I really don't see it that way. I see this as me coming up with ways to deal with a father who wants to be irresponsible. I can't make him responsible, but I can take steps to make it easier on my children and I. <p>This vent was about him being late every day. Most people expect this common courtesy. I don't think anyone just has to say, "Oh we know this person is always late, and we will make adjustments for this one person." I can't make him be on time, but if he can't then I do have some control over minimizing the effects it has on my family. <p>On your dinner with your child, a suggestion would be to tell your daughter what you expect her to eat before you arrive. Then you can put the responsibility to eat healthy back on her, instead of her mother.<p>Well, thanks again for the comments.<p>ANNA<p>P.S.<p>I edited this post this morning....<p>[ February 08, 2002: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>