my wife and i have been seperated since may of 99. she says she just doesn't want to be married.says she still loves me but can't live with me. we both say each other is special and i feel we can make it back but she keeps saying she's confused but has never once said that she wants to try to preserve our marriage.she's been dating since july says just a friend i had hope for a long time. but am losing hope now. i have recently started dating myself but i still love her.any suggestions

I don't know what all has contributed to her wanting a divorce. There are probabaly lots of issues to work on. But before you can work on anything, you need to convince her that she wants to be with you. So, at this point, I'd ask her for a date. A real date, not a "lets talk about it date" -- in fact, I'd not bring up your relationship at all. I'd be as charming and upbeat and fun as when you both were dating the first time around. See if you can remind her why she fell in love with you the first time. Good luck!

kam i appreciate your responce.<BR> but the problem with asking her for a date is that it would be me taking the initiative.<BR>i've done this a couple times during the past 8 mos but i probably tried to soon and didn't let her have enough space. so i don't know how but any future date or get together has to be her idea.she wants to be in control of her life and future and has never felt that she had any even growing up. she went from her fathers house to our house and has never been on her own so i don't know if this is a quest for independence or what but she says her father was controlling and that she feels i was controlling.i don't see it that way but those are her feelings right or wrong.<BR> it was her birthday today the first bday apart in 16yrs. she says she would give anything to not be in this situation.<BR>she said she wanted things to change in our marriage but felt they could not.<BR>thats why i don't know how to get thru to her because i feel anything could change if you want to change it bad enough.<BR>she says she always wants to be part of my life and wants me to be part of hers yet we're apart with the end in sight. i feel we can do a 180 and head back in the right direction and her email responces say she would still give anything to not be in the situation we're in but she's the one pressing for the divorce.<BR> thanks for listening

Let me see if I have this straight,<P>You separated in May and she started dating in July? I take it the separation was her idea?<P>May - Jun - July. Hmm. I have 2 maybe three months if I counted that correctly. OK, here I go being all judgmental. Sorry. I hate that. I'm being a jerk.<P>See, a separation or divorce is a tragic event, no matter how bad the marriage. You don't go through that and be "ready" to date in a few months. Doesn't happen. The exception being "dumpees". They seem to find each other and cry on each others shoulders. Did that myself. It was/is good. She's a really nice girl. Actually, our relationship has lasted lots longer than my ex's affair did. It's still going on. But I digress.<P>My ex was dating 2 months after she "couldn't be with me anymore" too. Turns out the real issue was that I was cramping her style. She had a boyfriend, and having a husband at the same time was a real pain in the [censored].<P>Read all of Dr. Harley's articles on how affairs start, how long they last, and what to do about them. Start at the top, <A HREF="http://www.mariagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.mariagebuilders.com</A> , and scroll down to "Quick Clicks". Infidelity is the first one in the list.<P>I don't know if it applies to you, but the situation sounds typical enough that you should check it out.<P>If my hunch is right, she will be back. You have about a year to go. Plus or minus.<P>