Is it just me....or should h be calling the kids to see if they are ok...least just to say hi...<p>Oldest son yesterday went throu my drawers to find ciggs. I lost it on him. Poor kid....but he knows not to touch my stuff..
He is 21...
However....some good came of it...he broke down a bit, very littly actually...but did talk to me about his dad leaving...says he is mad at him.
Told him he had every right to be angry.
Explained what I could to him..asked him if he was angry at me at all...(thinking he may fell I didnt do enough or something) he said why would I be mad at you, he left us.
told him that we will get through this, stick togethere...etc.
He mentioned that dad hasnt called....I said I knew that...but couldnt answer why. Personally I think he should....let them know he is still around for heaven sake.
Son also asked me if I would take him back....son thinks h just needs space and he will come back.Told him didnt know...said I deserved better than that...he was a bit surprised...but I said i would cross that bridge if a when i got there.<p>Still dont feel good....not at all....not sleeping much....eating ok tho. Trying to keep upbeat for kids....working tomorrow so hoping that will help a bit.<p>Youngest sadi he is going to his friends party on the wknd...h was supposed to have him. Guess that kinda puts a dent in H plans. I have already told kids to see dad when and if they want...if they dont thats ok...if they do thats fine to. I think they need to set there own course...whats comfortable for them????? dont know if I should push the issue..."your supposed to see your dad this wknd...you cant go to party"
I say leave him alone...let him go to party..be with his friens....it will be supervised I know the mother very well. In my opinion H should have considered all these things before he walked out the door. No one is going to put there life on hold to accomodate him...especially teenagers weekends.
Any thoughts???

Hi Kathy,<p>You are sounding really good...glad to see you posting.<p>Kids and seperation or divorce. Lots of tough issues here. I can't say I'm any kind of an expert here, but what I've done has really worked.<p>A power shift happened when my H left. He had always been the disclipinarian, the rule-maker. I had to step-up big time. I told him right off the bat the the kids are teenagers. He will not interupt their lives with visitation. He made nice on this (I was pretty demanding)and everything has gone well. The papers say he has them the standard every other weekend...Fri nite thru Sun nite. Generally my daughter will not go until Saturday. She does not want to miss football games, dates w/her boyfriend, ect. <p>My younger son does not really do as much socially as his sister, so he'll generally go on Friday nights with his dad. I refuse to do any transporting of the kids, dad has to do all of that, and he lives about an hour away, so lots of driving for him.<p>You are doing a wonderful job by letting your kids decide when to go. I've found that it does make them feel a little guilty sometimes, but I tell them that they get to be young once, football games, parties...these things go on for such a short time in their lives that THEY are what matters here...they get to be kids, regardless of what foolishness their parents are going through.<p>Your husband is a mess right now, maybe he's afraid of losing it in front of the kids or whatever...you can't control him calling or not calling. Sad though that the kids are asking you. You are right, you can't answer for dad...you told your son the truth, he will remember that. Glad older son is dealing with his pain a bit...it's hard for them, they want to be the "man"..., but really, they are just boys.<p>Glad you're working tomorrow, it really will help you. Don't feel like you have to do it all though. Nothing wrong with picking up McDonalds on the way home and watching TV with the kids.<p>As far as your husband, all you can do right now is watch and wait. Be pleasant to him, but don't call or ask anything of him. Let him see how it is out there.<p>Maybe I am the wrong one to be talking to you, as my husband never came back. I think I'm divorced as of today.<p>allison

I think you are right about letting the teenagers do what they need to on the weekends. Their life shouldn't stop because he moves out. Day by day right?!

(((ALISON)))
sorry to hear about D...are you OK?<p>Guess who called....h wanted to tell me to change all the bills into my name...said if I dont we will have no electriciy...told me he thought he would be nice and let me know....LIKE I DIDNT KNOW THESE THINGS ALREADY??? geez<p>Anyhow....called and changed everything over to me....H ispaying everything up to date...then there all mine.<p>I asked him how he was...said ok, then he asked how I was told him fine. Asked about seeing the kids on Sunday...told him I would chekc with them as to what there plans are. He agreed that we need to be coming from the same page with seeing the kids. Told him I dont want to come home from work and the kids arent here...and I dont know where they are...told him if they were with him that was fine...just let meknow..he agreed.
H sounded really uncomfortable on the phone....
Asked him for his address...just in case....
doesnt have a phone yet...using his cell....
must of wanted out of here pretty bad.<p>I still am going through the what did i do....to make him leave like that. Still feel like I have been punched in the stomach. I was doing ok till he called...makes it worse when I see or talk to him....like i go through it all over again.<p>Went and got a hair cut...didnt want to really but forced...and I mean forced my butt out the door. Dont know how another human being can have such an emotional impact on someone....didnt realize how much this would hurt....<p>One day at a time is the only way to go....hoping it gets easier....
Thanks all for the support....
kathy

Kathy...<p>I'm fine.<p>But your husband is trying to manipulate you. I have been seperated for over one and a half years, I stayed in the house and the bills still come in my x's name. I don't understand why he says you have to change all of them over??? Don't let him intimidate you.<p>Do you have a financial plan? Is he paying you a regular amount every week or month for the kids? Just sounds like you need to protect yourself here. Don't let him push you around. He could have made those phone calls himself to change the utilities.<p>You know, I had to realize that I made mistakes in my marriage, but it was your husbands choice to leave. Quit blaming yourself...it's hard I know, but really he is the messed up one right now, you are so strong...you will look back on this and know just how strong you are. I literally used to pat myself on the back when I did well...hey, someone had to!<p>Glad you got out...I know what you mean by having to force yourself. It's weird to see how everyone else in the world is still out there functioning when our lives have been tipped upside down.<p>My divorce was a long time coming. I was sure after he started affair #2, with a co-worker that I'd known for 20+ years, and my kids had known all of their lives that I was done fighting. I knew I never wanted to touch him, or be touched by him again. So I'm ok. I am also in a wonderful relationship with a man that truly respects me (and the kids are wild about him). My only regrets are that my children are being raised in a broken home...I ache for them. So, don't worry about me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Get some rest...don't worry about what your husband is doing. Give this some time, miracles happen every day. <p>The worst thing has happened to you and you are surviving it...with class!<p>allison

I am happy to hear you found someone who deserves you for who and what you are..dont know you too well yet...but my gut tells me your a great person, and fantastic mother.<p>We live in canada..so perhaps the bill sitch is different here...to change hydro...they had to give me a new acct. as H called them and told them he moved out...so h called me to let me know what they told him...if i didnt call...the lights would go out....I dont understand either why he just couldnt leave things alone...but I guess for him its just another door closing on "us" whatever...changed it all over...gonna cost me 200.00 to get new acct. security deposit. Asked why...we have lived here for 17 years....they told me that I am new...as h had account. Personally I think its just a way to get money out of poor saps. Said if I did automatic debit each month..I get the 200.00 back straight away...but if not they keep it for 3 years. Geez.<p>Anyhow its done....and I can afford it.
I have nothing in writing from H but he said he is giving us 2000 a month....1000 on the 15 of the month and 1000 on the first...so that and what I make...we will be ok. He already gave me the first grand...and asked me for a void check to have the money directly deposited. If he messes me around...I am gonna get the best lawyer in town. But I think he feels too guilty to screw me right now......in a few months maybe...but by then I will be on my feet...cos I am saving every penny I can. I know i should see a lawyer...but for some reason I just cant do it???? Same as wedding rings are still on...doesnt make sense...but I guess I will take them off when the time is right for me...no one else.<p>Went to work...was the best thing for me...but stressful being charge nurse....for 47 old folk
Lots of meds to give out..and checked about 10 times for any errors. Just started there....so trying to get to know them all...who likes what who is who etc etc. But it certainly gave me little time to think about him.<p>Just hated coming home tho...strange...I know that the kids love me and need me to a certain extent...but it just feels so depressing coming home....guess to many reminders of all of this.<p>Wish we could move or something....but cant afford it...and dont want to uproot the kids right now they are going through enough.<p>Grin and bear it....thats about all I can do...cant change a darn thing...tho sometimes i feel so ANGRY that all this is going on. Then sad...bla bla bla...from what I hear tho this is normal and healthy...so am letting myself go thorugh it all and hopefully get to the other side.<p>Youngest sons teacher told him that there were menay people at school who would be happpy to talk with him if he wanted to...I asked him if he would he said maybe...gave him a high five and said good stuff...thats the RIGHT way of handlying this...not getting into trouble or holding things in...also told him if he did talk to someone he didnt have to tell me about it...if he didnt want to....just as long as he talked to someone was ok with me. I left it at that.<p>Allison...I just dont know how you got to where you are...you must be one strong person....inner strength. I applaud you and if I can come out of this as well as you.....then thats fine by me.
take care....
((kathy))