I have read How to Survive an Affair and I am trying to follow the suggestions. I have learned more about myself and what I could have done very differently, and of how I was feeling emotionally. I felt I was crazy. I feel I am very unworthy of my wife but I also know I love her and will do anything to be able to show this to her, but she says it is to late, she doesn't know how I could love her and do the things I have done knowing they would hurt her. She is unwilling to try or to allow herself to feel anything from me in fear I am still hurting her or will continue to hurt her.<P><BR>Dr. Harley,<BR>My wife ( 31) and I (34) have been married 11 years have four kids 9,7,5,17 months. we have tried very hard to provide for our growing family over the years. We have had normal marriage problems and growing pains over the years, always making up and moving on. I have been struggling the last nine years in keeping a good job and paying the bills to provide for my family. It has cost me many days, and hours away from my family. I also work nights. I have had to study and advance myself to stay ahead of the layoff curve for my industry which is the Electric Utility Industry. So I have had to change my job every few years to keep a job. All at the expense of my wife and family. In 1997 I took a job with a start up company and chose to relocate. My current employer was down sizing because of this new company. I felt it would be best to still stay ahead of the curve and applied with this new company and accepted the position. My wife didn't want to relocate, I tried explaining all the advantages of moving to the head quarters instead of taking a position wich was local. These local positions would be obsorbed in the future, this was the companies plan at present. We argued over the matter, she said go, let me know when you sell the house I'll get an apartment. This was the tone she wasn't going. We talked more and she agreed to a year before considering to move. Again I chose to go and relocate, my wife and the kids remained in our house, the kids remained in school. At first everything was somewhat okay we talked on the phone I was pretty busy with the startup work load. I couldn't travel home very often due to expense and my work schedule. Just after I leave maybe a month I also got the news she was pregnant with our fourth child. We were done with having kids up to this point. I love my wife and my family very much they mean the world to me. My wife and I have always had that familar difference of opinion on sex, attention and time. I always want it no matter when, and it's always the wrong time and moment, and I don't listen. With her being pregnant and kids in school it was hard for her to travel. I can not begin to desribe my feelings and I know them all to be selfish. Hear I was trying a new promotion different place all alone. This was our first real time not being together, regularly. I failed this test miserably. About March/April of 1998 I had an affair, it lasted till Feb 1999. It was someone I met we started talking, told I was married seperated because of the new job. Even when I started talking I never thought I would let myself go like I did. I talked on how I felt on my wife not coming. I always talked on how I wanted to be with my wife and family. During the affair I made trips home to see my wife and kids and each time my reality would set in on what I was doing and destroying. I never wanted to hurt anyone, not my wife or my family. I didn't know how to get out of the mess I was in. I felt like killing myself. I tried stopping the affair from May to end of 1998 seperating myself from contact with OW ( other woman), not having a sexual relationship and only talking maybe once or twice a week. She was willing to be a friend till everything ended with my wife. She agreed all we could be was friends. So she would listen to me talk about my family and problems. Which always kept her there. My wife had the baby in July. I went home for the birth stayed a week due to my job only letting people off for short periods. My wife was totally suspicious, kept asking what was wrong and of course I lied said nothing, said I was trying to figure myself out, I didn't know if we should be together. I knew I had been unfair to her and the kids, and if she ever found out she wouldn't want to be with me anymore. I told her to live her life, make sure of what she wanted to do. If she didn't want to move I wouldn't force her. I had a lot of time to think on my situation. I knew I had been very controlling with her life always asking her to change to meet what I was moving on to and I knew she hated change. I knew I hadn't given her all that she deserved over the years. My time with OW made me understand what I could share with my wife, how I could share those things. From religion, friends, time, working everything. It was like a life/death realization of what I was doing and hurting. I didn't share all these things with the OW but all I could think on was how I have shorted my wife on her life and how I was killing her dreams. I wanted to make sure she was doing the things she wanted to do with out me always influencing her. I wanted her to be happy. I loved her and didn't know how to show it, how could I with what I was doing, I was very lost. <BR>This would be a bomb from just having a baby. I figured I could find out a way to get over OW and make things work with my wife.<BR>In November my wife and kids came to visit and my wife found out about the affair. To say the least she was devestated, hearbroken, and very mad. "How could you do this to me" I couldn't take off from work so we talked when I was off, cried I told her what had been happening, I was sorry never ment to hurt her or the kids. We agreed to try and get past it and stay together. <BR>I didn't end the affair the right way, I promised my wife I wouldn't see or talk to the OW. I called the OW and told her I wasn't going to see her anymore and that I wanted to be with my wife. They went back home and we talked over the phone, cried and kissed. This went on for two months. Then my wife went out of the country on business I couldn't reach her talk to her. My state of being to say the least was very depressed. I talked to the OW. She was there and willing to talk. This is all I did was talk. But this did not help in the depression and anxiaty I felt. Or my fears of loosing my wife. When she got back we tried talking and moving forward but there where a lot of questions I had to answer for her, she had a lot of anger with anything I did or didn't do. I feel she is justified with what ever she wants to do or say. Now that the OW is back in the picture she invites me to go along on a business trip she has to take, I like a fool accepted, I thought it would be a way of ending everything, my wife was waiting at my apartment when got back. She went balastic as could be expected. I have tried to explain what I thought I was doing and that nothing happened when I was with the OW. That we talked about how I really wanted it to work out with my wife and how I really loved her, and she replied how can you say that and do this. We talked and cried some more, I told her I was sorry, (which I do every day, still) asked her to not give up. We agreed to talk and be honest and what we said to each other we would keep to ourselves to work on.<BR>I have had a secret from my wife for over nine years. One that she always suspected but I always denied. When we were talking after this last episode I was trying to tell her what I felt, what I new I had to do for us that this would never happen again that I was being honest. We were in the shower together she said her best friend had told her we slept together and she was sorry and wanted her to forgive her. I said yeah right. She said it doesn't make a difference, I could tell her. I didn't say anything, just got out of the shower. She followed and said you don't trust me, you can tell me. I was so tired, so afraid of everything that was going on and I knew she didn't deserve any of this and it is more pain for her. I told her I was tired of always failing and being disappointing to her. I asked is this to help us or to hurt us? What is the point now? I told her I wanted us to be together and that I loved her. I told her the truth and that yes I did eight years ago. This was when I had lost my job couldn't pay any bill, find work that would pay the bills. The only job I had was working three hours a day. This is where I meet this best friend of hers. I introduced them together. I thought she would be a good friend for my wife. Nothing was going on than I wasn't interested in her. My wife started working two and three jobs to make up for my lack of work, we would argue over her not giving time and lack of interest, and my being depressed and not working. I felt that was all I had to offer till I found work that would take care of the bills. This other girl started hanging out and doing things with my wife, I would take her home. I have always felt I was trapped into having sex with her because she was the taunting type, teasing when ever my wife wasn't around. One night taking her home I got dared into more than I thought. I hav regreted that time for a long time. She still kept coming over doing things with my wife and hanging around. She even had to move from where she was staying and moved in. I had a hard time with her being around after it happened and than my wife wanted her to move in, that was even harder. I felt I couldn't tell what happened and why I didn't want her there it would kill us, we had been married only two years. We had been very close beore we got married, talked all the time shared everything. This would have just killed her. This girl kept gettig closer with my wife taking all her time from me and I would complain and we would argue, she would say you introduced me to her and wanted me to get to know her. It was like she always had something on me if I complained to much or if I didn't like what she was doing what was I going to say. I hated that. I finally got the chance to put her out with my wife agreeing and I thought it would all go away. I even asked her to go away, and not come by, she told me she was my wifes friend now. And she has always been around, nine years. Everything I have done with my wife I have had to share with this other person. There where times she would try and get money from me or help on something and I would say no, she would get my wife to ask me to help her. We have four kids, this girl has been around for all of them, I would fuss when ever my wife let her watch them or take them off some place.We have had serious arguements over this girl, my wife would say to me "I never knew you hated her, Why do you hate her so much, Have you slept with her?" I would say I didn't hate her, and deny ever sleeping with her.I would say I was sorry for argueing I just didn't agree with her being around her friend all the time. This girl has been around my family, with my kids, my wife all this time. At first it was really, really hard. Than she would help my wife with something so I had come to live with it, not really liking it but I could live with it, obviously, as my wife would say.<BR>Again she was devestated we had some really bad moments from this because it was her best friend, or who she thought was her best friend all these years. She yeld you lied to me! She also told me of a guy she meet while out of the country and how she got to know him, how nice and good looking he was and how she should have slept with him but know she was stupid she was the only one trying. She called her best friend had many choice words and told to never come by , not to see the kids and that she never wanted to see her again. But this girl as is her style, called my wifes mother, my mother and tried to say my wife was having illusions and not to believe what she would tell them. This girl also told me when I tried to find out why she called our families, that my wife had other affairs in years past when they would go out together they would meet people, and that she had slept with this guy she met when she was out of the country. My wife asked what she told me I told her it didn't matter what she said, but she insisted in knowing what was said and if she mentioned this guy she meet. I told her I loved her and why did it matter? She still insisted so I told her. My wife has denied what the girl has said, that she didn't do these things to the extend that the girl said. I believe my wife and I told her so. This is the worst I have ever seen my wife in every area, depression, anger, and lots of resentment. we have not seen or heard from her since. We have not been the same in any sense since I have answered this question.<BR>I again called the OW I had had the affair with, with my wife looking on and told her I wouldn't see her any more that this was final and I would be working things out with my wife and I didn't want to talk to her any more.<BR>This happened in Febuary 1999. My wife went back home, we still talked on the phone, cried. I have tried to explain over and over how things happened, what I was feeling, that I was sorry. even that many times I had wished I would have an accident and she would be better off without me.<BR>In April 1999 I got a transfer to move back go and I did. I have been here since.<BR>This is where we are. I love my wife but I feel I have lost her forever. She travels out of the country weeks at a time, even months. Each time she comes back she has less and less interaction with me. Beyond doing something with the kids as a family. We don't have much physical or emotional contact. We have been on two trips together, but they are the same. A hug, a kiss even hello just don't happen. I call tell where I am going send flowers, send email, cards. I write ask how she is doing and beg her to talk to me, lets spend some time together, I ask what can I do. I don't eat, sleep, and I am more depressed now than ever before. I ask how I can help, I try and give space. I started looking for help an found this WEB site, and copied information and bought the book How to Survive an Affair. <BR>It has given me some hope, it has explained some of the things I felt, feel and has given me new areas to work on myself and emotions. My wife simple says what does it matter now, why try now, she tried before and look what I have done to her. She doesn't see how she could do anything to make me happy or faithfull in the future. I ask if she wants me to leave, sleep in another room, anything. She just says if thats what you feel you need to do. She says I need counseling and I am looking thats why I am here. I have read pages and just about the whole book to her, but it is coming from me and she doesn't trust that anymore. She doesn't want me to leave, and says she has a lot of resentment from her best riend and how I could do that to her,and that she feels everyone is lauging at her life for the past ten years now. I love her more than ever for even allowing me to be here in the house with her, for even talking and sharing some of her feeling with me. I say thank you every day, I want to hug, kiss, cuddle any thing with her. She says she doesn't want me to have to take her anger r resentment of how she feels, she says what good will it do her in talking, will it change anything? I tell her she has the right to feel the way she does, and I am not in a position to complain, and I want to hear how she feels, what her needs are. I again say I love her. And she says do you really? I have learned in your book how important it is to share these emotional needs with each other, she feels they are not important. I tell her this is why I came home to share my life with her, to learn again, to be her friend to talk, but for anything to happen it takes two and I need her.<BR>Mean while my job has offered a promotion back up north where I was at. I asked her how she felt about moving now, she said I should go I have been working for this for two years. I turned it down. She said she didn't want to be the blame for my career ending. I told her honestly that wasn't important to us I didn't want it. One thing I have come to realize is how unless you have someone who really loves you, nothing matters.<BR>I feel so trapped, and scared, we pend so much time apart how can we grow closer. In a three week period we have spent 20 minutes alone together. I get so overwhelmed when I mention we haven't spent any time together or I ask how she is doing. I have learned from the book, I should give this space, and not demand anything or do things that might be upsetting. But how long do you let things deteriorate before you try and stop it? I feel I have no rights and should expect nothing. But if I don't mention or ask nothing will happen.<BR>What else can I do I don't want to loose her from my life. I have held so much back over the years in talking sharing, being busy with work always work. she feels none of that matters any more. how could I do this to her with her best friend, is the major resentment.<BR>I need help, I am open to suggestions, I am unwilling to accept that a divorce is the only answer. I have always given of myself to others, my job and to my family always assuming my wife will understand. She told me one time we were talking, "I asked you years ago why do I help everyone else, and you know what you told me, they are more needy, and they are not as strong as she was.<BR>My life has been a failure, I want the most precious thing I have ever nown, my wife. I want to love, honer and cherish for the rest of my life. no secrets, no lies. I want to make her happy to have me. I try and tell her this every chance I get and it drives her farther away. <BR>Help, please
