The love of my life and I used to fight alot over his friends and one day he decided to get up and leave our relationship of 7 years. When we discuss getting back together he says we fought too much ...but the only reason we fought was over his friends being more important to him then me. His friends would say bad things about me and he never stood up for me...even when they hurt me so bad I cried and cried. He still hangs out witht he same people and allows them to influence his life. If we get back together...do I have the right to tell him not to see his friends???

Nic,<P>You obviously can not go back to the same situation you just came from. It bothers me that his friends say negative things about you, and he does nothing. <P>I can tell you that one of the mistakes I made with the most beautiful girl in the world was spending too much time with my friends either with or without TMBGITW. We never spent alone time. I think this is fairly comman with men. We generally don't wake up until it is too late. I didn't.<P>It's healthy to have your own friends and do things outside your realtionship. But I can understand why you would not want him with friends that are actually mean to you.<P>Talk to your man without fighting. Try to go to counseling together.<P>Good Luck.<P> <BR>

I agree...don't go back to the same situation. He needs to put your needs first, and vice versa. If not, it just breeds problems. I wish I'd known this and insisted on that much, much earlier in my marriage.<BR>Kathi

Would you allow him to tell you not to see your friends? What defines "prioritizing his friend's over you"? Were you / are you able to establish friendships with these people as well? If not, why not? What is it about his friends that you don't like? (I mean, you said they say bad things about you. That of course is unacceptable. But what were the circumstances? Were they slamming you of their own accord for no reason, or were they merely supporting him in his own accusations? It seems weird to me they would just start slamming a friend's wife or girlfriend. That is normally quite offensive to most people.)

His friends feel he is "wrapped" around my finger because HE chose not to hang out and do things with them. They do not have girlfriends and feel he shouldn't either. They would get drunk and call me names and say things that really hurt. He told me that it was my problem to stop it...cause they were not say these things about him.

A more important question for you to consider is why you want to try and have a "relationship" with a "man" that is so weak and lacks so much in the area of commitment. Face it his friends are more important to him then you are. He cares more about what they think and feel then he does about what you think and feel. Sounds like a shakey foundation for any kind of relationship. I suggest you move on and start looking for a man that wants to have a relationship with YOU.<p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited January 21, 2000).]

Nic,<P>I think Mudder is being a little black and white. There are always three sides to every story. Also I don't know if strangers should run around calling your husband "weak", and saying he "lacks so much in the area of commitment." Mudder doesn't have a foggy clue who your husband is and is being very judgmental.<P>If you create a situation whereby it is you or his friends, and make an ultimatum, I can pretty much guarantee you what will happen. What do you think he would say if you said, "it's me or your family! You can't see both." That's a bit extreme, but along the same vain.<P>It raises a whole discussion subject. I mean, does this mean in any relationship, it's either your partner or your friends, you can't have both? And who wants a husband/wife who doesn't have any friends?<P>See, on the one hand you say his friends are more important to him than you are, but then you say they think he is wrapped around your finger when he chooses to spend time with you. Well, which is it? He can't be wrapped around your finger and yet think his friends are more important both at the same time.<P>How much time does he spend with his friends? How much with you? What do you think an appropriate balance would be?<P>The important thing is to negotiate an appropriate balance between how much time your husband spends with his friends, how much time you spend with your friends, and how much time you spend together. Ideally you would like to move towards a place where you have common friends and see them as a couple more so than "boys or girls".<P>All that aside, the picture you paint of your husband's friends isn't very pleasant. They don't sound like very nice people. Would you say that's a fair appraisal of them? Are they "less than desirables?" You can tell a lot about a person by their friends. That for me would make me wonder about your husband's character a bit. But that said I haven't met his friends.<BR>

Nic, <P>The love of your life seems to be very immature, as well as his friends. In a healthy marriage a husband should give up a friendship if he is gaining at her expense. To demand that your spouse give up a friendship would be destructive; a thoughtful request would be much more productive. I am assuming that you are not married. If you both want to reconcile I suggest that you revert back to dating and wait for him to prove to you that YOU are the love of his life. Otherwise if he continues to act like a child then you will been living with one. <BR> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Scott

Nic,<P>If I offended you by calling the love of your life weak I'm sorry. I can only reply to information given. My oppinion was just that. An oppinion based on information provided. I see no where in any post the mention that this man is your husband. I am all for working on a marriage under even the most grim circumstances but when it is a boyfriend/girlfriend thing (which is what I interpreted it to be) sometimes the best approach is to cut your losses and move on. My question is still valid. Do you want to have a realtionship with a man who treats you as you say he does? If so what are you willing to settle for. If you are married you need to both dig into the information on this site. Learn about each others emotional needs and start working on doing better at meeting them without Love Busting.<P>Nonplused - I'm sorry for getting judgemental again but I don't think much of any man that would allow his friends to run down his girlfriend or wife. I had just such a case where my best friend lost his cool and cursed out my wife. Please don't tell me that I should have told my wife that it was her problem. Actually it was OUR problem and WE had to decide what if any kind of relationship was going to be continued with this individual. Your last post sounds like you question this guys character too!<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mudder (edited January 21, 2000).]

Mudder,<P>I absolutely agree with your point regarding your friend cursing out your wife. And I don't mean to imply all of your advice was bad or that you had any malicious intent. I simply took exception to a few comments regarding Nic's husband/boyfriend's character that I don't think any of us are in a position to judge at this point. She has called him "the love of [her] life" in the very first post, so I would like to assume that he has some redeeming qualities and therefore we shouldn't jump to any conclusions before we can realistically figure out what is going on. I was under the impression she wanted help sorting things out as opposed to looking for reasons to "dump" him. I could be wrong as well. You raise a good point that we are all operating under limited information. Such is the nature of life, but it is exaggerated in a situation like this bulletin board.<P>If one of my friends "cursed out" my wife/girlfriend/brother/sister/any one close, but especially my wife, I would feel the same as you. I can see why it was a sore point for you.<P>I guess I am a cynic now, but I never take anything anyone says about another person at face value anymore. It seems to me that it is human nature to paint others in a light that emphasizes our own point of view or purpose. And depending on how the speaker is feeling, they will say mean things about a person one minute and nice things the next. It speaks more to how the speaker is feeling than it is a reflection of the person being talked about. That's not to say nobody ever tells the truth, but you can tell the truth several different ways. It's the emotion or the perception that changes. Same facts, different reality.<P>In this case, I get the impression that Nic might actually be in love. She could be a dummy and in love with a total jerk, or it could be that he's actually not all bad, they just have some **** to work out.<P>I have also had some bad experiences with being told this person said or did this or that and a certain scenario was painted. It is always very hurtful at the time because it seems that the behavior is so foreign from what you have come to expect from said person. Then a few months later you find out that what you "heard" wasn't really a fair appraisal of what "happened". At that point I felt like a fool for believing it in the first place. Yet the person you are speaking to always seems so much more engaging than memories and stuff at the time. <P>Nic,<P>I have a question about the things your [husband I assume]'s friends said about you. Did they say them to you in person? Or did your husband "say" they "said" those things? Or maybe a third person said that they said them? I am wondering how you came to know what was being said about you.<BR>