Never thought I would have to do something like spill my guts to total strangers, but here goes. My H had an affair with a very good friend of ours. I was so hurt, and numb. We are in counseling, things are peaceful here for the most part, and we are trying to move on. My problem is this. I don't think that my H will ever be able to get over his feelings for her. If there were ever a perfect woman, she's it. (I hate to even say that!) Beautiful, smart, talented, classy, full of pep, and sweet, She is everything that I am not. Even after what has happend, I can say those things about her, as much as I HATE her, because you just can't deny it. H has even admited that he would still be seeing her if it weren't for the fact that she couldn't handle the guilt. SHE broke it off, not him. The whole thing started as innocently as H talking the her, small talk, he discovered that he really liked being with her, and the next thing you know, they're "in love". I know that she is not in touch with H. It's obvious by the way he mourns for her. He still misses her and thinks about her. What can I do to get him to forget her? I'll admit that I wasn't the best wife to him, I had become complacent, sloppy,and naggy. But even at my best, I don't think I could compete with Martha Stewart/Jennifer Lopez! I feel like H is only with me out of obligation. I don't want that. I want his heart. Will he ever forget her? I've really done some work on myself, I've started to exercise, and I try to not be so criticle to him, but I don't know if that's enough. I shouldn't have asked, but I had to know, and he admitted that the sex that they had was the most incredible that he'd ever known. Great! That didn't help. What can I do? I find myself obsesseing over her at times. Am I losing it?

I know I think the same things. But just remember, the grass is always greener on the other side. If you want to make changes to yourself, you must do it for yourself. I am in the process of doing that and I must say that I like myself more and I feel better. <BR>As for him getting over her, that will take alot of time and a lot of patience. Just be there and support him.<P>------------------<BR>You are in my thoughts and prayers.<BR>* Viki

Ropenride:<BR> Does your H still see the OW? I mean, does she live near you? It would help alot if she didn't! Is he committed to making your marriage work? I think he would get over her, with time and distance, then spend more time thinking only of you. She may not be the perfect woman you think she is, nobody is perfect, and we all have our faults. He hadnt begun to see her bad side.<BR>I am sorry he told you that the sex with her was incredible, that must have been hard to hear . <BR>Try to remember he is with YOU now, not HER, and that you are the better choice to him.<BR>Do what you can to make YOU feel good about YOU, I think the better you feel about yourself, she will look less " better " to you. I hope that everything gets better real quick!

She's everything you AREN'T?<P>How about honest? <BR>How about moral?<BR>How about integrity?<P>(and I'm a betrayer, so I'm blasting myself)<P>

You can't compete with her right now. He is in withdrawal. Continue to work on "you" and what makes you feel better about yourself. That's all you can do. Keep in Plan A (avoid being critical of him even if you bite your tongue in two). Expect nothing in return from him while he experiences his withdrawal. Read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. It sounds like he is at least being honest with you and that's good. Try to get him to read the books as well. It can help him with what he's going through.

The OW in my situation is very attractive, thin, "a real sweetie". But I also know, since she chose to be with a married man, that she has real problems. She is of low character, has no morals. She respects him for his love of his children but yet, wants him to divorce their mother and not be in the home to raise them? She passed on a STD through my H, which she seems to know she has, but did not suggest using protection even though she's a health care nurse.<P>Take the OW off the pedestal. Since she had an affair with your H, you KNOW she's weak, unstable, insensitive, selfish, decayed & can't say no.<P>By the way, saying these things to your H won't help. He more than likely will want to defend her & their "love". This is to help you put this Wonder Woman in perspective.<P>Personally, I love to PRAY for the OW. God isn't too keen on adultery and his ways are so perfect.

Dear RopenRide:<BR>Wow, I kind of had the same situation happen to me before I was married, when I was with someone else. The same thing, he started to tutor this OW (we went to college together) and the next thing you know, he was walking her to her classes, talking on the phone, etc. He even introduced me and I thought they were just friends. Well, he was sleeping with her. I really wanted him back. But, my only reason for it was to get revenge - to dump him. I became everything and more of what he wanted in any woman. I eventually got him away from her and got him to really fall back in love with me, so much that he decided to marry me. He gave me the ring and I told him to go to hell. Yeah, mean, huh? Well, I was only 19 years old (let's see 20 years ago). My point is that, you can do all these things to try to win him back, but, will you be happy with yourself???? I was o.k. with it but upset at myself because I wasted all that time trying to get him back when I could have met and been with someone that I could have had a better relationship with and that would have accepted me as me and who wanted to be with me. If your going to compete with the OW-don't. If you have any changes to make, let it be that you are doing it for yourself and not for your H or to try and win him back. Improve in yourself, for yourself. We look need to improve ourselves. Get a mental picture of who and what kind of person you want to be and go for it. If you become what your H wants you to be or what you think he wants you to be, you will never be happy. Because you will be living a lie. You will only be deceiving a very important person....yourself. I am not like the above. Fortunetly, I do learn from my experiences. Your lucky that the OW doesn't have any contact with him. Time heals all wounds. In time, things could possibly look up. Go for therapy. It really helps to talk to someone. My prayers and thoughts go out to you. Ihope I was of some help.

I have often felt the same way about my H's OW. I am not rich, and I can't compete with that. She apparently is not bothered (yet) by any of my H's faults, and he apparently is not yet bothered by her demands. <P>But the OW will never share our history, or our children. She will never know the satisfaction of working side by side with him to successfully deliver a calf or resuscitate a lamb. I may not be as good a housekeeper as she, but I doubt that she has ever replaced a sheep's prolapsed uterus by flashlight. Shared history, including hardships, can forge a bond that can never be really broken.

He married you in the first place. Go back to what worked when he was first attracted to you. Fill out the emotional needs questionaire to find out what needs wach of you have.<BR>Best of luck and keep working at loving him as he is.

Ropenride,<BR>Your story is sooooo much like mine. Right now it feels like your life is ending. My husband told me about his affair 10 wks ago. Since then I have worked on MYSELF!! And you know what, I have rediscovered the great person that I am. It is real easy to lose yourself after you have been married for awhile. We've been married 12 yrs, have 3 kids spaced 4 1/2 yrs apart. Right now my husband doesn't want to read any books, attend counseling, or anything else that takes a real committment. Yes he is still in love with the ow, and she doesn't even fill up her own car with gas! Just say a fantacy relationship is just all glory and no real work. If it were to continue, problems would creap in and the bricks would come falling down. That does nothing for us as we sit and wait for the withdrawal stage to end, but that is reality. And yes, my husband said he only stayed because he didn't want our kids to grow up fatherless and me to be a single mother. Not exactly confessing his dieing love for me, but it is some place to start. Things do get easier as time goes by.<P>I too pray for my ow. This is right now a very selfish thing to do. I used to sit and obsess for a long time about all the lies from both of them. Now when I think of her, I start to pray for her. I don't want to spend near the time praying for her that i spent obsessing, so I am thinking of her less Kind of selfish motivation, but the prayers are real! <P>How do you compete? You don't! You can't become her nor, I am sure, do you want to. Be your self! Read to Surviving An Affair book to help understand your h and just work on becoming the woman you were intended to be! This takes much time and patience. Work Plan A. It really does work. One good thing in my relationship now according to my h is how I am treating him. Maybe I was treating him like a comfortable old shoe before, who knows. I do know that I love him and really need to show it him right now. So find yourself and you will make it!