I was here last year....my husband doesn't know if he wanted to be married. Well, we decided to give it a try. Actually, it was more of an avoidance tactic I think, on his part.
Anyway, here I am again. At the end of January he said the same thing. he wasn't happy and didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. I have - an I know I shouldn't have - made him talk. You can't just say something like that and not discuss it! Two weekends all we did was talk, yell, I cried, hugged and came to no conclusion. Last night again - the same thing. He said there is no more fire. Doesn't know if it will ever be there. Yet, when I say we need to spend time together, to share common activities, share vacation time - something that would be fun and unstressful, he is not interested. It feels as though he does everything in his power to stay away. Even now, Sunday; he is at work. I realize this is long.
I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. Everyone we know thinks we are "perfect". He doesn't want anyone to know what is going on. I had such dreams.....I don't know what happened. I really don't. It is like work is the most important thing to him and is the only thing that makes him happy. We are just drifting farther and farther apart. I am afraid we will never get back. I am afraid that he doesn't want to get back. He doesn't talk to me. He doesn't touch me. There is no affection. There is no conversation. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone. He won't go to counseling. Adamantly refuses. I would go. I want to go. .Please. Somebody give me advice. I am at my wits end. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Dated a year, engaged a year Married for 4 1/2 years. No kids. <p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: katydid ]<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: katydid ]</p>

Hey Katydid - <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Still says there are issues, but won't say what they are specifically.<hr></blockquote><p>Has anything been clarified; has he chosen to talk about what he feels the issues are? <p>What do you feel the issues are?<p>What does your gut tell you?<p>Have you read the wealth of info on this site? Or some of the other material referred to ? <p>Have you chosen to pursue counselling for yourself? It can help you work through your feelings..
Dan

Hi. Thanks for responding.
O.k.- One of the issues he has is that he thinks I do not trust him. I try to explain that it's not that I don't trust him, it's that I feel he doesn't communicate completely, like there is a secret side of him. Another issue is that he isn't sure he loves me anymore. that the "fire is out" and doesn't know if it will come back. Other than that, there are no other specific issues. I wirked so much last year, that I think he became accustomed to me not being around.
I want to seek counseling. He absolutely won't. I will on my own, I think I need it. I just don't know where to start. I haven't really utilized this website and all it has to offer. I just want to know I am not alone. Please, keep asking me questions and giving advice. I think that the issues are that we are drifting. That we have talked about seperation so much and have strated to lead seperate lives, that if we don't stop and get back the feelings we had, then it will be over. We will have reached the point of no return. That makes my heart stop. My "gut" tells me that for him it is over. That the hardest part for him now is the act of failure and of making it final. If he thought any other way, then he would be here with me- at 6pm on a sunday night - instead of at work. I have very strong instincts, unfortunately. And a very hurting heart.
[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: katydid ]<p>[ February 10, 2002: Message edited by: katydid ]</p>

Katydid - first of all, I want to tell you that despite all the effort I could muster, I could not save my marriage.<p>Just so you know...<p>Your post speaks to me. I wrestled with many of the same issues you are describing. What I have found is..the issues you are describing will not be fixed quickly. It doesn't happen. Trust, and feeling " in love" defy quick fixes.<p>That said, there is a TON of things you can do to help yourself and your relationship. <p>This website is a wealth of information that can help you understand what's going on and how to manage it. Please take the time to read it, you will not regret it.<p>Please understand that you cannot change your husband. There ARE things you can do that will help change the pattern of interaction between the two of you, that will help in establishing the lines of communication.<p>That's where plan A comes into play. Anxiety and intensity drive dysfunctional patterns. By focusing on yourself ( thinking about what works for you, learning to nourish yourself and love yourself in ways that work during stressful times) you can decrease the intensity between the two of you,and improve the chances for communication between the two of you. <p>For me, this was very tough. My WS's secret life wasn't so secret, and I felt like used poop. But constant questioning, challenging her behaviour, and confronting with evidence found is not a strategy to invite connection. Just the opposite.<p>Read on what plan A is and how it works, and I would also argue think about where your boundaries are, and what type of relationship would work for you. At this stage the purpose of this is for you, not to challenge your WS to fill the role; not yet. Your WS may say he won't want to participate in the marriage until those feelings return, but if you can help open the lines of communication between the two of you, that position may change...<p>Please also understand that what he choses to do is a reflection of his wants and needs, not of you. Patterns in primary relationships change slowly...I understand what you are saying about drifting. I think the best way to address this is to "ground" yourself in understanding you..nurturing yourself and understanding what you want.<p>It's tempting ( well, it was for me, ) to appease, to offer more of yourself, of your "power", in order to invite him to participate, to "return" to the relationship. That also won't work. <p>OK, you have found, to me, the best damn place on the planet for support and understanding what you are going through. <p>I have gone through terrible marriage counselling ( recommended by our pastor), gone through two individual counsellors, counselled with Steve Harley ( he's under the counselling tab at the top of the page), read everything I could find here, and read some books that have changed how I view myself and the people around me. These books were recommended from these boards. If you want to fight for you marriage, you're in the right place.<p>Sorry for a disjointed post; my 3 yo son and 8 yo daughter are demanding snacks, juice, and whether the boy has pooped in his pants..<p>I know how your heart feels. I hurt in places I didn't know I had. <p>Dan<p>BTW,do you think there's a third party here; does your gut tell you he's cheating?

Great advice.<p>I would add that there are also also of books to read that would clarify your situation.<p>His Needs/Her Needs by Harley is one - it is a little more comprehensive form of the info. on this site.<p>There is also How One of You Can Bring The Two of You Together - I think it's by Susan Page.<p>There are also lots of books about how to talk to your husband/men - just do a search on Amazon.com.<p>You can also read Divorcebusting or the new one by Michelle Weiner Davis - it also has some good advice.<p>Don't give up yet. We will all lend support, but please get started reading and appying some of these principles! <p>Good Luck. K

Thank you both for your input!! It helps so much to hear from people who have experienced aomething like this. I am reading through this website and really trying to understand. My husband has asked what it says.....and doesn't disagree with any of it yet. But, like you stated, it doesn't get the feelings back.
And thank you for telling me to think about myself. I have been trying to overcompensate. To try so very hard to do things that might make him fall in love with me again. I know I am loveable. And I have so much love to give. The problem is, I want to give it to him.
Any other advice - please - I am willing to listen, hear and respond.
I am sorry that you didn't work things out. At least you have 2 wonderful children.....
thank you.

Well, I has decided that he does love me. Always will. But doesn't know if it is enough to live together. Says we aren't compatible. Which I am not sure whatthat means. The only example he has given me is that I don't like watching t.v. with him. I responded that I am not sure if that qualifies as being compatible. Surely, there are other factors. I also said that if we ever did "things" togther, had common experiences, themn maybe he would see that we are compatible still. I am pretty easy going and willing to just about anything. I am not a "starter" for ideas, but am willing to do anything, go anywhere......
Anyway. He wants to proceed "rationally". Wants the decision to be made within the next couple of weeks - whether to stay and try to work it out, or to seperate. It almost seems to me that he is mentally preparing himself to leave.
This is awful. I can not see the future. This happens so often. How are people so strong that they can move on?