I seem to be on a slow, steady path toward divorce. I spend more time on "recovery" than here, but divorce is looming closer and closer...<p>Since my timeline isn't at the bottom of the page, here it is: Together 20 years. H was alcoholic for first 8 yrs, then in recovery for almost 10 years. He began drinking again in 12/99 and everything in his life (and mine because I'm married to him) started falling apart. H began becoming verbally abusive in 8/00, then moved in with OW 12/3/00, that was d'day. WH now 49, me, BS, 50, OW just turned 23 (21 at start of A, married 6 mos. with 4 yr. old D). A seems to have fizzled, but H and OW still have contact because she's now befriended H's son. <p>H says he wants to be married one minute, then becomes verbally abusive the next. I've given him an ultimatum, treatment for his substance abuse or divorce. <p>I initially filed back in July 2001, after a brief reconciliation which ended when WH threw me and kids out of the house and moved the OW in. I stopped pursuing it when he said he wanted to reconcile. I fired my lawyer so he wouldn't think I was out to get him (alcoholic paranoia), but if I don't hear from his lawyer tomorrow, I've told him I'm hiring another lawyer and finishing the process.<p>I just can't take any more abuse, any more broken promises, or any more discoveries of contact. Although this is painful, I'm better able to handle it at this point, after living alone for over a year, than I was initially, but I just never thought we'd get divorced...

I remember your story, I used to post as 6497. I know well the feeling of not wanting to give up on a marriage, no matter how painful it is to stay at times.<p>Your ultimatum of substance abuse treatment or divorce is completely reasonable and understandable. Stick to it. I hope you know that what you've gone through, and what you're going through now, is making you stronger and better prepared for whatever is in your future. I still don't really know God's plan for my life, but I am ready to face it now on my own two feet.<p>Take care.

Thanks Princess for your words of support and encouragement. <p>Today was a rough day. H called twice, crying the first time, yelling and crying incoherently the second and just hung up on me both times. Then he called this evening and asked me to pick him up in a bar. He's normally not a bar drinker. He said he didn't know where his truck was and when I got there he didn't have his keys or his shoes either (though socks were clean - not like he'd been walking). <p>I picked him up and took him back to the B&B where he's living, left him on the patio with a take-out dinner and a 6-pack of beer, and went to my AlAnon meeting. He'd begged me to pick him up after the meeting. Fortunately I asked a friend of his to drive by and check on him since it was cold, he had no jacket, no shoes, and no keys. The friend saw his truck there and lights on inside. Obviously, whoever had his truck was now there with him! <p>So I guess he and OW had a fight, she left him at the bar, and I rescued him. I talked to his dad tonight and H had left his house earlier, drunk and angry because H's dad told H that OW was not welcome in his house and not welcome to call either. H told his dad that he felt that his dad was cutting him out of his life. <p>So I was wrong about relationship with OW fizzling. I think she accomplished what she wanted by befriending H's son.<p>I never did hear from his lawyer though I called and left 4 or 5 messages. And H obviously did not choose the rehab option.<p>I don't know what God's plan for my life is either. I guess all I can do is pray about it and turn the results over to God. I'm praying for the faith that God's plan will be for my highest good.

AFter another month of similar insanity, my H and I finally went to his lawyer yesterday to complete the divorce process. H had been lying to me about essentially living with OW while going to MC with me. The A never "fizzled" and H was lying about friendship between my stepson and OW to excuse her presence at his parents' house while his dad was in the hospital (his mother has Alzheimer's disease and had no idea who OW is - just that she is "big and scary" and "looks more like a man than a woman") I've finally had enough. He agreed to let me buy him out of our business.<p>H still tells me he doesn't want a divorce, but speaks to me hatefully in front of OW. Well, I may be slow, but I finally got the message. He may regret losing me, but she's the priority. She and alcohol. <p>It was actually a relief to finally let go of trying to make sense of an insane situation. I have just turned the whole relationship over to God and have to have faith that things will turn out as they're supposed to.

What a fog. Using his own son to cover for the OW ... I guess once you start lying, it just becomes easier, and easier.<p>I hope for you that you'll find peace with your decision quickly. For a while I wondered, did I really do everything I could have? Did I try hard enough?<p>I did. I know I did. And you've been more patient than I could ever dream to be. Take care of yourself. He will have to live with his choices and without you, and it is not your problem now.<p>Take care.

Princess, Thanks again.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I hope for you that you'll find peace with your decision quickly. <hr></blockquote> <p>That "quickly" part is definitely the way I'd like it to happen. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>For a while I wondered, did I really do everything I could have? Did I try hard enough?<hr></blockquote><p>I know I've done all I could. My only regret is that I couldn't have "gotten it" sooner.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He will have to live with his choices and without you, and it is not your problem now.<hr></blockquote><p>There is relief in that but also a lot of sadness. I have to have faith that God's plan for me is better than anything I could gain by struggling to control the uncontrollable.

LetsTry,<p>I don't have any advice for you, but having lived with an alcoholic I understand your pain. My ex-husband, like yours, was in recovery for several years before falling off the wagon again. I too gave him an ultimatum to get help for his drinking, or divorce. He loved me very much, but in the end he forced my hand by refusing to go to AA. I couldn't do it anymore. <p>Keep attending your AlAnon meetings. The people there helped me very much.

ALady, Thanks for your input. That sounds so much like what I'm going through. Like you, I just can't do it anymore. But that doesn't lessen the pain any. I will definitely continue in AlAnon. I go to 3-4 meetings a week (all the meetings available in my small community).<p>How long ago did you go through this? How are you doing now? I just feel so overwhelmed it's hard to believe that this will ever be over.

LetsTry,<p>I have a business dinner tonight and am on my way out the door. I wanted you to know that I do understand what you're going through, and will respond tomorrow when I have the time to give your questions the thought they deserve.

I had two interesting conversations today. 1st this morning, I got a call from a young man who says he's had a crush on me for several years. He tried like anything to talk me into going snowboarding with him today. He said he likes older women and who cares if I'm "10 or 15 years older" than him. <p>He's 25 yrs. old and the son of one of my employees who's actually 4 months younger than me (I'm 50). He was very flattering and given that my STBXH's girlfriend is even younger, 23 (A probably began when she was 18), it was a big morale boost. No, I'm not planning to take him up on his invitation. <p>Then this evening I got a call from an ex-employee from 5 years ago when A apparently 1st started. She told me about confronting my H about A with OW and he told her he could f*** anyone he wants. He ended up firing her while I was gone across country visiting my dad, probably because she was in his face too much about his behavior with several female employees. <p>Actually, almost all of our employees are female, but the ones he chose were the ugliest and most needy - no kidding. He's even admitted that some he wasn't attracted to weren't "needy enough."<p>I'm most devastated about the fact that I was married for 20 years to someone I really didn't know. How can this happen? What does this say about me?