My WH will be moving out by March 1st. He has always been able to break me emotionally with his head games. He started them this week (especially this morning) and it hurts.<p>I did tell him I'd try to find a place to stay while he moves, but if I can't (family and close friends live too far from my work) how do I detach? I try not to be sucked into his games, but it's hard.<p>Any thoughts or suggestions would be great!<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I call this the emotional divorce. I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
I am sorry you are here. I know you are hurting.

Thank you for the information! I believe it's when I step back and act as if life is okay he gets started on the head games. It's all a game and I do recognize it, I just can't crumble emotionally like I do.<p>He told me this morning not to even try to go head to head cause I'll never win. He said I'll slit my own throat and swear YOU did it!<p>I told him I don't want to go head to head, that is not what I want because I know he can do a number on me emotionally.<p>I will check out that web site - I've seen the 180 thing mentioned in a couple threads lately.<p>Thank you!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 13, 2002: Message edited by: Free2BMe ]</p>

Bump - anyone know what I am talking about? see below:<p>Free2BMe,
I read a post and I can't remember who posted it but it gave great short statements to reply to CRAZED WS.<p>Like: "I see" or "I understand" or "your right".<p>See how any of these three statements would be a great reply to him saying: I'll slit my own throat and swear YOU did it!<p>It kind of gives you power to not LB and not particpate in crazymaking and still have a voice. <p>So sorry you are having to go through this!!!!!

Again, thank you!<p>He just called and said the apartment he's looking at won't be available until April. He said he'll stay with his mom until then. I think this is a good thing - he can get out of the house quicker and relieve some stress on us both.<p>I know these are just words he uses! I know it so well, yet they hurt and I respond emotionally.<p>We also have an appointment Friday to get the separation started. It's starting to move so quickly!<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>~ sigh ~

f2bm,
So sorry to hear of your difficult time. I am recently separated, and I know how tough it is. The list from divorcebusting is great. I read Michele's book quite a while ago and found it very helpful, especially the 180 approach. Whatever pattern of behavior you have established, choosing a different response is very powerful. <p>Your H's comment about throat slitting is very disturbing to me. Is he suffering from depression? Two thoughts come to mind. First is a book I read several months ago, "The Final Word on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense." An example in the book demonstrates how to respond to a comment such as "if you loved me, you'd have dinner on the table at 6:30 when I get home." The author says most people will focus on the issue of dinner on the table and often become defensive. Instead, she suggests asking "what makes you think you're not loved?" Bypass the second part of the statement and focus on the first. <p>The comment your H made is much more charged emotionally. It's bad enough that he would suggest you get blamed for something you didn't do, to which it's normal to react defensively. The first part of his statement, however, suggests harm to himself, which is unnerving in itself. My H has pulled similar stunts, and he was very successful in keeping me off balance. My H hasn't ever threatened to harm himself directly, but he's made many comments about having no future, everything is dark, I'll be dead by my birthday. I met with a counselor at the veteran center, and a phrase she used to describe the wives of veterans is often an "emotional hostage" situation. Free2Bme, your h's comment seems like a similar tactic. You didn't describe the context, but I have the impression that your H is trying to instill you with fear that something bad will happen to him, and it's going to be YOUR fault. I have to say, it worked on me for a long time. <p>I worked with a woman a long time ago who volunteered for a suicide hotline. She told me to ALWAYS take any comment about suicide or harm to oneself very seriously. My H's comments are alawys non-specific. Like the "being dead by his birthday." He didn't say he was going to kill himself, or do anything in particular, but why would he make such a comment? I really dont' anticipate that he'd harm himself, but his comments filled me with fear. I got some great advice from my counselor on how to respond to comments like that. If you suspect your H is suicidal, or pulling guilt trips to make you think he might be suicidal, I can get back on here and share what the C told me.

lonesome heart,<p>Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed response! <p>My H is a very intense person and I think very disturbed for some reason. He can never see the good in anyone or anything, although he'll be as nice as pie and not let on.<p>He was verbally and physically abused as a child by his mom. I have always been sympathetic of this until recently. He has been in and out of counseling and as read all the David Pelzer books, but he never allows himself to heal and overcome. I've realized (with conversations with a couple of his OW) that he uses this to gain women's sympathy. He tells them his abuse story of woe and also that he feels trapped in our marriage. I'm to the point where I don't believe the whole abuse issue.<p>The first year of marriage he figured out how to get me to back down from my quesioning of him. He would use his words to manipulate and scare me and it worked for that first year. He could literally back me into a corner and leave me shaking in fear with just a couple words. I finally found a verbal abuse web site that said I was betraying myself by not speaking up. I found the right moment and told him I felt he was verbally abusing me with his intimidation tactic and he agreed he's a dirty fighter. In the next year it only happened once and we were able to recover and talk about it immediately. I'm very pleased with how far he's come in this area. But I do sense him slipping now that I'm moving through with the consequences.<p>Thank you for the book recommendations. I'm very interested in the verbal self defense book.<p>We did talk this morning - his idea. He started reading the book I mentioned above Hope For The Separated last night and he asked this morning if I thought I might ever consider working on the marriage (like I haven't for 2 years) and I said I would consider it but it would take a lot. <p>He sounds like he's starting to understand what he's done and that he needs to work on his lying and cheating. He is still moving into an apartment, but with hopes to take the time to work on his issues.<p>My H is on medication and has been for over a year. He is less intense on it. I don't think it's depression he deals with, but I don't know enough about it (even though I think I've suffered with it since childhood) to really say. I've been told he does show signs of having a personality disorder and he should be tested by a psychiatrist. I think he was tested years ago when we were engaged, but I was never privy to the results. <p>Are you hoping to reconcile in your situation? How did you deal with the separation within the first few weeks? <p>Happy Valentine's Day!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]