I was officially divorced on december 17, 2001. <p>I was married to my ex for four years and been with her for 10. we were high school sweethearts. My ex was the divorce seeker. I was completely opposed to it. I loved her with all my heart. I fought like hell for one year to save my marriage. Did everything I possibly could do. The experience of this divorce was the single most devestating and tramautic experience of my life. I was in complete shock and disbelief when she requested one, am in complete shock and disbelief that she followed through on it, and will be in complete shock and disbelief till the day I die.<p>this women meant the world to me . . she did not feel the same.<p>she desperately wanted to remain friends after divorce . . .said she felt thats what we were all along . . .good friends but just not right for each other as husband and wife<p>i drew a line and said no way . . . that i didnt go for that frienship bs . . .once youve been something more than that you cannot be anything else but that . . i am very old fashioned and romantic that way . . .told her if she followed through with divorce she would "cease to exist in my world" . . . .told her "that I never wanted to see or hear from her again" . . .there are no kids involved so a clean break would have been fairly easy to accomplish<p>the day she moved out she a left a letter for me stating she was sorry, hoping i would understand one day, and hoping that i would change my mind on the stance id taken about us being friends<p>in the weeks following the divorce this past december, i became increasingly angry and bitter at what had happenned . . .i said things like i hope that my ex received the worst of what life had to offer . . i was and am completely devastated . . . this divorce and its year long process nearly destroyed me physically, mentally and emotionally<p>i literally begged her to reconsider BUT when i needed her most she was not there for me . . .my argument all along was if she gave us a second chance she would not have regretted it BUT if she followed through with D . . .she would cease to exist in my world forever . .as if she had died<p>well she followed through and i want to show her im a man of my word in either situation . . . as i mentioned earlier, i wished that she would not find happiness bc i truly believe she made the biggest mistake in her life<p>some background on her family . . .they absolutely adored me as their son in law . . .her mom and dad that is . . they took the divorce harder than i did . . . i especially bonded with my ex mother in law who was in my camp throughout the past horrifying year as our marriage disintegrated . . .her daughters decision put a strain on their relationship . . no one supported my ex in her decision . . none of our friends, not her own family . . .her mom and dad treated me as if i was their own child the ten years i have known them<p>as the reality and inevitability of the divorce set in . . .i resolved to maintain a relationship with my ex in-laws whom i respect and truly love but not my wife <p>two weeks ago . . i got hit with a bombshell . . .my ex mother-in-law called me up and informed me that she is terminally ill . .doctors have given her about one year to live . . . there are no words to express the overwhelming utter devestation i felt upon hearing this news . . . this followed my year long traumatic divorce experience . . i feel absolutely positively emotionally raped<p>my initial thoughts went to my ex wife and how hard this must be on her . . although she was divorce seeker and would not back down from her decision, i know the divorce was extremely hard on her as well . . .now she has to deal with this news about her mother<p>my ex is tough as nails . . a trait i truly admired in her . . but no one can be that tuff . . i cant imagine what is running through her mind right now<p>
this is my dillemma: should i contact my ex; and, if so, how? should i call her, leave a measaage for her, send her a thoughtful card <p>the days after i heard the news about her mom . . i swayed back and forth on an hourly basis regarding contacting her and expressing my exreme sadness and letting her know i was there if she ever needed to talk to someone . . remember she doesnt have many people in her camp . . but as time has gone on, i have leaned toward not contacting her<p>why should i be there for her when she wsnt there for me? she conciously made a decision that she did not want me in her life? <p>i dont know what the classy thing to do is? its a very awkward situation . .ive been in contact ith her mom every few days, talking to her, keeping her spirits up and reiterating my offer of if there is anything i can do for her and her husband i am there for them<p>should this extend to her daughter? futrher complicating matters is a wonderful new woman in my life . .who does not believe i should contact her . . that is not my role she says . . .a lot of close confidants and friends have told me i can be there for her family without being there for my ex<p>what is the decent human thing to do here . . there are compelling arguments to be made for both sides (ie contact her and DONT contact her)<p>and if so . . in what manner would be appropriate and what shoud my message be? <p>PLEASE ADVISE . . .thanks

If its an opinion you are looking for , heres mine. YOu are in a new relationship and your significant other is telling you not to contact her, so that could jepordize the trust in that relationship if you do so. ON the other hand, it appears that you were not emotionally ready to enter into another relatioinship wiht all this unresolved anger. This is certainly devasting news. You didnt mention whether your ex was involved wiht anyone or what you did to try to save the marriage. It doesnt seem like your ex was trying to hurt you , yes divorcing you certainly wasnt a loving thing to do, but she had her reasons . To support your mother in law, whom you love very much, i would send your ex some letter of support. True you do not have a responsibility to do so, but it would be a nice gesture. I would make your new love aware of what you are doing . I would also reconsider this new relationship. I feel its too early. But thats just my opinion.

aye bro.
i'm ALMOST in your shoes.
see my posting under "my wife says she needs time". i'm going ALL OUT trying to make things work out. and the more she pushes me away... the more i hate her for doing so.
are you saying that your xw is selfish?
you want things YOUR way... and she wants things HER way... and there is no "middle ground" to what you both want. it's either - give in or give out. right? - well that's my case at least.
we have NO CONTROL over our situation bro! believe me... just be a friend to her (i know it's hard)... but show her that you're much more mature about the situation. believe me... it'll get to her.

Rosita:<p>thanks so much for your response and advice<p>you've given my something to consider in terms of sending a card for the sake of my MIL . . not really my ex<p>as far as the new relationship goes . . its never too early . . .i dont get too much into the pshycho babble of this relationship stuff . .i am very straight forward factual kind of guy . . .you see a good thing go for it . . the minute i laid eyes on my current girlfriend . . i knew there was something special long term there . . and i went for it . . .i am a very good judge of people (my exception being my ex) <p>life is simply too short (ask my MIL) to be sitting around lonely and by yourself resolving anger and what not over a person who simply isnt worth another minute of your precious time (ie. ex)<p>does the pain of the D still linger? of course . . thats just something you will never get over . . .will i ever be the same again . .NEVER . . .so why waste anymore time? no use crying over spilled milk so to speak . . .i found somebody exceptional so i jump in head first . . i know of no other way . . im a risk taker
<p>thanks again<p>ACE

Hey Rosita:<p>the tone of your message seems to suggest that you are defending my ex and seem to be supportive of her<p>let me clearly express one thing in no uncertain terms:<p>i understand what you are saying to me but i can live to be 100 years old and will never forgive her for what she did . . as i said in my earlier post, i am very old school . . .divorce is only warranted in three instances : (1) infidelity (trust has been damaged irreparably in my opinion (2) spousal physical abuse (no one should have to put up with that crap in this day and age) and (3) addictive behaviors (ie. degenerate gambler, alcoholic, drug addict) . .this behavior is simply too desructive to a family unit<p>those three exceptions and thats it PERIOD . . anyone seeking a divorce under any other circumstance is a liar, quitter and has no character to seek a commitment and promise they made through . . it is unforgivable . . my ex came to me with this "im simply not happy and i dont know who i am anymore, i need to find myself" type BS <p>INEXCUSABLE and never justified . . its pathetic . .gimme a real reason i can understand, dont give me psychobabble BS . . she apparently saw one too many episodes of Sex in the City and Friends . . . like i said im old school . . that crap dont fly with me<p>i like people that have honor character and most aof all LOYALTY<p>people like my ex . . . have none of that!<p>ACE

why should i be there for her when she wsnt there for me? she conciously made a decision that she did not want me in her life? <p> here is my opinion, because you are a bigger person than she is, this is an oppurtunity for you to reconcile some differences and perhaps be friends. I believe this will help you bring some closure. It appears to me you are still hurt and angry and you want to make her pay for what she did. I beleive the best way to make them pay is to forgive them for what they have done and move forward. You can still be there for her mother and for her if you choose. do not allow yourself to stay away and then when the day there will be a day you may be the one who regrets not making the effort.

be pleasant and supportive IF X calls, otherwise, stick to the game plan. . . . she is no longer any part of your life. . . .<p>Right after our separation started, my dad was hospitalized for colon cancer, and had surgery. X asked once about him, initially when she found out, but never again, even after the surgery. . .<p>So when my XMIL was hospitalized with parkinson's, i asked to go see her. . . i was turned down with the usual meaningless excuses. . . . <p>after that, i do not contact any of X's family. . .that is how she treats me, i wasn't particularly liked by my XIL's, so i don't give them any attention. . . . <p>my reaction is let her make the first move. . . this example is how you move on. . .<p>wiftty<p>[ February 15, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

Ace,
I understand where you are coming from completely and feel pretty much the same way you do in regards to my x. If it weren't for my kids I would have moved away from here so I am not in the same town as her and her om/h.<p>If you want to support your MIL, then go ahead and do it. I doon't think you need to include the x. This is someone you know and gave you support. My ILs were somewhat like that, although there are now no pictures of me in their house.<p>As far as the relationship picture, relationships aren't something I would think you would want to take a risk on. Second marriages have a worse record than first marriages. Moving too fast can end you right back where you are emotionally. <p>Do you want that again ???? I don't.
You said you are a good judge of character except for your x. Something blinded you towards her faults, what if the new person has the same cloaking device???<p>The pain does subside if you let it!<p>Hang in

aye bro.
as for whether or not you should or shouldn't be there for her... again, at this point in time, there is no reason to play any games. She wasn't there for you when you needed her and you thought that was not right. well, now the tables are turned and now is a time to show her, by example, what the mature thing is to do. BE THERE FOR HER. Show her your sympathy - in other words, call her or give her a card.

HI, my view on it is this...you know deep down weather your over her or not(I think not,just my opinion)if you think you are over her, I would extend at least some words of comfort(Ive been through this with my ex & its easy to be nice to someone your not still emotionally attached to,in other words your over them ,period)If you think your not over her then its risky,because your opening a door...however either way I think if some part of you didnt really want to, this wouldnt even be a question,in otherwords you wouldnt be struggling over it. The heart has its own reasons,reguardless. as for the new girlfriend,I too believe in going for it reguardlees of the time table thing,however she can give you her opinion (she dosnt want you to get in touch w/ your ex.) but its up to you & you alone,you have to live with your decision! Good Luck, & God Bless,Esta

ace,
I had to read my post over again, to see where i may have been defending your ex. I didnt see an area. I dont know about the situation and what caused her to want out of her marriage. Do i think its ok to just end your marriage cause you arent happy? No absolutely not. I dont know enought about your marriage to make a judgement on her. I was just trying to give some advice on your situation and the concern you expressed over your MIL. Go for it, i understand if i was presented with a person who i thought was a good prospect i dont know if i could hold back. I just know that right now, im not looking. I have a lot of work to do on me adn dont want to jump into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Ie. loneliness, self worth, ect.... good luck to you.