Hi. It's Saturday Night. If anyone has read my previous memo, they know what I am going through. Well, I have already mentioned that it is Saturday night.......... My "husband" left at 10:30 a.m. to go to the gym and then to work. There was a message from him on our answering machine saying he was meeting his brother for drinks and would be home later.
Is it me or is this just what happens?? I mean - come on! Honestly, I don't believe that is where he is. I don't understand why he doesn't just leave. I don't know what is worse.....him just not coming home or him actually moving out.
I tell myself that it would be horrible for him to leave. That I love him and I miss what we had and what we shared. I can remember it so vividly. But then, I think; I don't deserve to be treated this way. I am loveable and likebale and I am a nice person with good qualities. Not perfect, but who really is.
I just wish I didn't feel so alone. I see so many posts on this website. I see so many people who are hurting and people who ar responding to them. Only 2 people responded to my last post. It's like there is a "cilck" and I don't belong. SO not only do I feel alone in my life, but I fel alone on a website with thousands of people from around the world. I know, I am feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it is depression setting in. I don't even know. My husband doesn't want me to talk to anyone about what we are going through. He doesn't even want me to go to counselling.
I just want to know I am not alone. I just want this nightmare to be over. The ironic part - my mom and my sister both called tonight. They keep asking when "we" are going to have a baby. Oh my god! How 'bout when are " we" going to have a marriage? Someone, let me know I am not alone.

I know how you feel! I would assume alot of us don't reply very often because many of us, like myself, are in the beginning stages of trouble and don't know what to say. BUT, you are not alone! We are hear and do care. There are alot of "old timers" on this board that may be able to offer advice, but from alot of us beginners...well...we're just like you, want answers and want solutions. It's hard, but hang in there, with time anything is possible! I hope you Saturday turns out better than mine...I'm home alone too!

Hi Katydid,
I know what you mean about the posts. If no one responds it feels like you are being rejected all over again. Its rough. I must admit , I read an awful lot more than i post. Its hard to be alone , wondering what he is doing. But its really harder Knowing what he is doing. I would get closer to God and pray. Pray for the right path to take. I cant imagine how you are feeling. When my stbx was having an affair, i would cry out so violently. It was uncontrollable. I still cry but just not so out of control any more. Do you ask your husband if you can join him when he goes out? Or perhaps you should go out with some girlfriends. Not out of spite, just to keep busy and not sitting home and waiting for his return. There are people out her who care, sorry if i havent written. Take care of yourself. Sometimes when i write a post its just for me to write , it helps to write it out. Whether i get a response or not. But sometimes its like your screaming for someone to hear you and there is no one there. I am here. Hope your nite is going ok.

thanks for responding. It is so very difficult. remembering the good times. living through the bad times. wondering which way it is going.... my Saturday night got no better. I listened to cd's, drank a bottle of wine and danced around in my family room.
seeing my friends and family is difficult. No one knows what is going on, so I feel as if I am lying when I see them. And that they sense I am not myself.
It does help to post what I am feeling/thinking. It's almost as if I am expressing how I feel to someone who cares and listens. Thank again.

I don't know if anyone would agree with me, katydid, but I found telling people was better than trying to hide it for me. The more people I told, the more support I got. I too, am fairly new here, so I don't feel qualified to answer a lot of the things that are posted, but I'm trying! Best of luck to you and lots of hugs!

I registered w/MB in Sept 2000. I have been back posting for a few weeks now, I know what you mean about the posting thing, but believe me it is not like those snotty high school cliques. <p>A lot of times I will read a post and just sit and think for a minute. Sometimes I have an instant answer, but many times I just think anything I might say will either sound like me moaning about my own stuff again, or that I really can't relate in a helpful way. <p>Some of the people here are older, some really young. Please don't ever think that folks here are rejecting you. I wish they had a counter thing like they do on other boards. I bet you would be suprized by how many times people read posts and then just keep the person in their heart for a minute. <p>I would love to answer every post, but then everyone would laugh at me (big dork) because I would just say, Oh honey, I hope it gets better.
I wouldn't mind doing that without messing up all the boards, so toss me an email when things are tough. I love to commisserate.<p>Elizabeth
elizabethwilkie@yahoo.com

Saturday night he came home. Midnight. Said he does still love me. Graet way of showing it! I still don't know where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. And I don't know about anyone else, but my imagination tells me that if he won't tell, it can't be good. The next morning I told him I couldn't "pretend" that last night was normal. That for him to be gone for hours without me knowing where is unacceptable. If the roles had been reversed, he would have been furious. It is common courtes; I think. When it all becomes a mystery and there are secrets, that is when I start to second quess. To distrust. That is an awful feeling. We have been together for almost 7 years, and this is the first year that I have felt the sickening feeling of distrust. He was the ultimate man......he has changed so much.
I just don't know how long to hang on. With all my might, I wish this was a nightmare and I could wake up.

Saturday night he came home. Midnight. Said he does still love me. Great way of showing it! I still don't know where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. And I don't know about anyone else, but my imagination tells me that if he won't tell, it can't be good. The next morning I told him I couldn't "pretend" that last night was normal. That for him to be gone for hours without me knowing where is unacceptable. If the roles had been reversed, he would have been furious. It is common courtesy; I think. When it all becomes a mystery and there are secrets, that is when I start to second quess. To distrust. That is an awful feeling. We have been together for almost 7 years, and this is the first year that I have felt the sickening feeling of distrust. He was the ultimate man......he has changed so much.
I just don't know how long to hang on. With all my might, I wish this was a nightmare and I could wake up.

KatyDid,<p>I can relate to what you said about the boards, I have felt rejected also. I t seems some people get soooo many replies. Although I lurk alot & don't reply.<p>Trust your gut instincs, they are probably right. I began to have the same problems in my M about 7 years. It turned out my WH had an A with his secretary. At the time, I didn't know about MB or anything like this. Eventually I gave him an ultimatum - is she worth our marriage? He asked her to leave the Co. I set up a Retrovaille weekend which he cancelled just before we were to attend. (Business)<p>We never really addressed our issues and here I am at 21 years & he did the same thing (A) at 11 years again at 17 years(still ongoing) So the moral of this story is no matter how painful you are in the right place. There is a wealth of knowlege here. <p>One thing that I am extremely greatful for is that I have good friends that I can share with. The old me at 7 years didn't share with anyone for a long time. I finally told my Dad & he was great. He flew to come be with me. That meant a lot. My Dad passed away last year & i miss him a lot.<p>Sorry for rambling. I hope some of this helps. <p>God Bless<p>
PS you might try posting in the infidelity - general section & see what response you get.<p>PPS I'm not saying your husband is having an A, but I would sure suspect it. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]