Hello,<BR>I'd like to introduce myself. I am a 30 year old hubby who feels his marriage is slipping away. My wife of six years is 31, we have 2 great kids and all the stress and problems that come with a young family starting out. I'm a self confident man and feel that my wife and I have a good foundation. My wife has low self esteem and has the chronic "I'm fat syndrome". Nothing could be further from the truth, she is drop dead gorgeous.<P>Our problems came to a head 3 years ago when my wife and a friend of ours attended a wedding together, I had to work and could not go. Well alcohol got the best of them and they ended up pulled over on the side of the road kissing. She told me about it the following morning and said nothing serious happen, although she could not remember most of the nights events. She asked our "friend" if anything else happen and he said no. I have gotten over it now, but her self proclaimed problems that lead up to the incident have never gone away. We have talked about her feelings more times than I can remember, but it always comes down to that she's not happy. She also claims this is not what she thought her life would be like. She always says it's her and not me causing the feelings, but I know it takes 2. She makes no attempt to make time for us anymore. All her time is given to our kids and herself. Although we have sex, her "I'm fat syndrome", really has decreased her sexual desires for me. We have not had an entire night alone in years. Yes, I'm whinning a bit, but she married me, not our kids or friends. Don't get me wrong, everyone needs their own space, but rarely spend time alone anymore. <P>We recognize that we have a problem and we discuss it like adults. But neither of us seem to have an answer. I just want her to be happy and be happy with me and will do whatever it takes. Sorry for the long winded post. I don't have any friends I can talk to about this. Any help would be appreciated.

James:<P>It sounds like neither of you are doing a good job at meeting each other’s most important marital needs. Go over the emotional needs questionnaire with your wife. Just talking is not going to fix marital problems. You need to agree on a plan that will create and maintain romantic love. <P>Read this article<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html</A> <P>My wife and I have found Dr Harley’s books to be a great help. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Scott

James:<P>There's a lot of good news in this post. Mainly:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We recognize that we have a problem and we discuss it like adults. But neither of us seem to have an answer. I just want her to be happy and be happy with me and will do whatever it takes.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My short answer would be to advise you to call Steve Harley at MarriageBuilders, and start counseling with him (888-639-1639). I'd suggest that you ask your wife to join, but regardless of her answer, you should do it yourself. Steve's a terrific counselor, and the phone counseling is reasonable, convenient, and you WILL find the answers to your marital problems. And learn how to fix them.<P>There's much of the MarriageBuilder's philosophy that you can begin applying to your marriage. The <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>"Four Rules for a Successful Marriage"</A> center around:<P>Protection (eliminate Lovebusters)<BR>Care (meet each other's emotional needs)<BR>Honesty (complete, total honesty)<BR>Time (15 hrs/week quality time together)<P>Your first job is to learn about "lovebusters", those behaviors that damage your spouse's love for you. Dr. Harley has categorized into Angry Outbursts, Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgements, Dishonesty, and annoying habits. You should concentrate on eliminating any lovebusting behavior that you exhibit to your wife---if she suffers from low self-esteem, be especially careful of the insidious "disrespectful judgements". I'd suggest that you order Harley's book "Lovebusters", this is his most complete treatment on the subject.<P>After you eliminate lovebusters, you're ready to start working on your wife's emotional needs. You need to identify them and meet them in the way that she would like them to be met. If you're successful, she'll quickly fall in love with you again. But you can't meet her needs until you eliminate lovebusters---otherwise, it's like pouring water through a sieve.<P>Focus on making your time together pleasant---don't spend too much time "focusing" on your marital issues and what to do about them. You should give this approach a try---you may be very surprised at the results. Again, the time you spend with your wife should be quality time, with a focus on meeting what needs she will allow you to meet, in the way that she'd like them to be met.<P>If your wife falls back in love with you, the rest will fall into place. Including sex.<P>James: you can probably work through this yourself (order Lovebusters, Give and Take, and His Needs/Her Needs). But you'll probably get much (MUCH) faster results counseling directly with Steve Harley.<P>

Thank you for your replies. I found this site a few months ago and started with looking at myself and my annoying habits. I made a 100% effort to eliminate them. Now she trys to "find" things I do wrong. Example, if I clean the entire house and forget to finish the laundry she will throw a fit and claim how she never gets any help around the house. It seems that I can never do enough to satisfy her. I've also tried to arrange suprise night outs for just us and she turns them down to spend more time with our kids. <P>

Your wife may need some help getting motivated. I would take K’s advice and contact Steve Harley. Look at it this way. What do you have to lose? What do you have to gain?<P><P>------------------<BR>Scott

James,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Example, if I clean the entire house and forget to finish the laundry she will throw a fit and claim how she never gets any help around the house.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How would you respond to this "fit"? The most effective way to deal with it is to ask what she kind of help would she prefer, and then do it. Take her criticism and distill out the information that she's trying convey, and then act upon it. Even better still, thank her for the "information", if you can do so without sounding sarcastic.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I've also tried to arrange suprise night outs for just us and she turns them down.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>James, one area that I think may be driving you crazy is that you appear to be "guessing" on her needs, and that you don't actually know them. So you're working hard to fill needs that she doesn't have. The "cleaning vs. laundry" issue would be an example. Another is that you're surprising her with nights out---maybe she's resenting the surprise. Perhaps she wants to run the show and do the planning. Or, if she's worried about kids, plan events as a family before you start trying to get alone time. If you plan family time that you enjoy---you'll be building up the balance in your wife's lovebank. As she falls more in love with you, she's going to WANT to do things alone with you more often.

How would you respond to this "fit"? The most effective way to deal with it is to ask what she kind of help would she prefer, and then do it. Take her criticism and distill out the information that she's trying convey, and then act upon it. Even better still, thank her for the "information", if you can do so without sounding sarcastic.<P><BR>quote:<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I've also tried to arrange suprise night outs for just us and she turns them down.<BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>James, one area that I think may be driving you crazy is that you appear to be "guessing" on her needs, and that you don't actually know them. So you're working hard to fill needs that she doesn't have. The "cleaning vs. laundry" issue would be an example. Another is that you're surprising her with nights out---maybe she's resenting the surprise. Perhaps she wants to run the show and do the planning. Or, if she's worried about kids, plan events as a family before you start trying to get alone time. If you plan family time that you enjoy---you'll be building up the balance in your wife's lovebank. As she falls more in love with you, she's going to WANT to do things alone with you more often.<P><BR>Your exactly right!!!! I do guess what her needs are. I have to because she doesn't know what her needs are. That's why I'm so frustrated. It's hard to fullfill someones needs when they do not know themselves. <P>We spend a great deal of time doing family activities. I'm just trying to set aside time for her and I to enjoy each others company without the stress of a 6 and 4 year old once in a while. <P>I think talking to a professional will really help me figure out what exactly I'm dealing with.<P>Thank you again, it's nice to be able to discuss this with people who care. God bless you all.<BR>James

Another benefit of working with a professional counselor is that you are demonstrating how important your wife and your marriage is to you---you're making another tangable demonstration of putting her first.<P>That's always a good thing in a marriage. Good luck---if you decide to do counseling with Steve, I'm sure you'll enjoy it.