Hi all. New here. I am a regular on the divorcebusting page. Quicky on my story. Second time W filed in 1.5yrs. I read divorcebusting, kind of similar to Plan A & B. Making myself better. So last spring, W stopped D. We had a great summer. In fall, we an into some "bumps", nothing serious. And she filed right away again. WE never went to counseling like we should have last summer. We are going now, and I am finding out much more about myself that I need to change. I did make major changes over summer, but did not really KNOW about these until counseling now. My W is conflict avoider and never ever said much, just "smoothed" things over. I am feeling pretty hopeless this being the second time. Thru counseling, she has said that I have am a "controller". Anyway...I am at a dilemna here now, do I contest the divorce, dragging it out in hopes thats she sees these other changes. Or..do I go along with her, a dissolution...if I do this, the process will be fairly quick.....just don't know what to do really??
Thanks
Tony

If you want to be married...
...show to yourself and your W...
...you're worth the fight!<p>If you think that your marriage isn't a covenantal relationship...
...and the divorce is inevitable...
...end it. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The only caveat I have is... if there are children!<p>I don't know your whole story...
...but my firm conviction is that the children should remain with the FS (Faithful Spouse)... (I don't like using the "BS" acronym).<p>Plan A for as long as you can...
...and if possible seek the MB counseling if your current counseling isn't leading you through any significant progress.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

Well, I WANT my marriage more then anything. I have messed up alot and pretty much put us in this situation....but the "light" has come on this time...not sure why. I dealt with depression, never knowing what I wanted, blaming my W for my unhappiness....well, that was all nto true. I have come to terms with my demons or whatever....the light has come on, and for the first time in years, I want my W and family...but I do think its too late. This being second time she has filed in a year....just think it is hopeless. But yes, I want my MARRIAGE more then anythign in this world...
Tony

Good for you...<p>I'm proud of someone who can admit even some fault...
Someone who understands that admitting fault... isn't weakness... but puts you in strength!<p>Now get going on Plan A!<p>Do say to your W your honest feelings!
Exactly what you wrote here!!!
"I WANT my marriage more then anything!"
"I have messed up alot and pretty much put us in this situation!<p>It is NOT too late!
It becomes late... when the paper is signed; and even then... it may not be too late!<p>Put the thoughts of "hopelessness" out of your mind...
...and put your effort into Plan A...
...and if possible... start counseling (even if your W will not join you).<p>The worst thing you can do...
...is say to yourself...
...months from now...
...if only I had started changing myself (Plan A-ing) months ago!...
...or...
...I didn't give my marriage... all that I could!<p>One more word of love...
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!
...keep your family together!
...it's the strongest sign of keeping your marriage together!<p>You have my love and prayers...<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

Well Jim, I left the house about a year ago. We seperated. She filed, then dropped it. Had a great summer, then I was very busy with a new job, and she got frustrated and filed again in Jan.
But...we had great nite last nite. I came home from weekend with kids at my parents. Did the kid thing with W, got them to bed. And we sat and talked. We actually held eachother, even kissed a little bit. It was very nice. She was "fighting" it a little....her feelings, she even said it. Said it felt kinda "weird".....but she was receptive to holding and talking and kissing a bit. I did not push it. I ended up staying at the house over nite, slept in daughters bed. Got up and had a good morning...I have been just kissing her, telling her how much I care and love her and our family....not pushing anything.
Anyway, not trying to get my hopes up....but it felt good........she said she really feels that I am "sincere" this time in what I want.....
She has even come up to me and kissed me for a couple things I have done for her.
Anyway....she is at counseling now by herself, then I am going tonite....
As I said....trying not to get hopes up...hate this rollarcoaster. I am going to back off tonite and head back to my place so not to over do it....sound ok?
Tony

It seems from what you wrote about you 'got busy' w/ work and she got frustrated that you put work before everyone and everything else..<p>has THAT changed?? if not what can you do to make those changes?? If you can figure that out and sit down with your wife and discuss a plan on you can work together on this..it may have a chance..<p>but, if she feels that work will always come before her and the family...I doubt it will..<p>Not all women need to have LOTS of money to feel financially secure..as long as they know they have enough to make sure the bills are paid, there is food on the table and a little extra maybe in savings..or even a retirement account or something..they feel pretty safe..but if you can work out a plan that you can have these things..and not put all of your efforts in your job..and put more time into your family...she just may give it another shot..<p>but you'll have to change your priorities as to family first..then work..no overtime unless it's absolutely required..and make plans to do things w/ her and your kids..even if it's a friday night
order pizza and rent some videos..<p>You can rent something for 'everyone' to watch..
and also rent something just for the 'two' of you
put the kids in bed..and curl up on the couch and
watch the other one alone... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Call her up can ask her out on a date..for next week..you get a sitter for the kids..and then take her to dinner..if you have friends that have children that are about your kids ages you can see about doing a baby sitting swap..one night they watch the kids..another night you do so they can go out..you could do this about once a month maybe schedule it in advance that way nobody gets taken advantage of..and thats at least one night a month that you know you'll have a sitter so you and wife will have a date night out..and the rest of the other two weekends a month..you could do the movie night--or game night or something...

Thanks for filling me in on some more of the details... of your situation...<p>Do go for the date nights...
...but don't let that be all there is to the relationship!<p>Today... I took my daughter and niece to see the movie "A walk to remember"...<p>This so-called chick flick...
...tells the story of what every husband needs to learn...<p>...changing to be the self-donation your spouse needs... is how to make your love "a choice"... and not just a feeling.<p>This "kid's love story"... wouldn't be a bad movie to see with your W... on those "date nights"...
...especially if you can first figure out a few of the items on her the little "wish lists of life desires". They can't all be expensive... and finding some creative ways to make her secure in your changes... can be just the flame that rekindles... a deeper... longer lasting love.<p>Bringing your faith into the picture...
...can only help!<p>My prayers to you and your W!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

Well, to briefly answer to both, my story is a VERY long one. i had an affair 6 yrs ago, dealt with some depression too. PRetty much put my wife thru hell. Never re-established that trust....the depression I finally did get help a year ago last summer, went on meds and feel much better, think more clearly. For the first time in my life...yes, I want my wife and family to be first. I see clearly. I quit my "socond" job you could call it, (basketball coach)....to show her I am committed. But she just thinks things will "re occur", that I will withdrawl when things get tough. She says she has given me chance after chance....and in a way, she has. But hard to explain how I feel now.....but unfortunately I think it maybe too late. Not sure she would be open to a "date". I do not want to push or smother her. I was doing that few weeks ago, out of desperation, which was stupid. That pushed her further away. Her family and friends influence her alot too....want her to leave me. Its very difficult and I think it is all a little too late to be honest....and i hate it, because for the first time in years, I know what i want, what makes me happy...I want to be with her and our kids......a family. And now I think I blew it......we are goign to counseling, but she is still pushing the divorce process thru. Thinking she is just doing the counseling to help me thru this........who knows. Rollarcoaster ride....not fun.
Tony

As they say it at NIKE...
...just do it...<p>...Plan A... that is!<p>There is no guarantee using any plan (on the face of this earth)... to save your marriage.<p>What you want to do is save your life and sanity.<p>Doing what is right... (living up to a marriage commitment)... will let you live through this.<p>Giving up... will make you feel like a loser.<p>Be a winner... by doing the right things.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

That is what I am trying to do Jim...not trying, I am doing it. I have been goign to house nightly, doing teh family thing, helping out, etc. Showing her I am committed to her and family. 3 kids, 9,7, 2....alot of work for one person. Tonite she was not feeling well, i sent her to bed at 8 and I finished up with kids and got them to bed....so who knows. Being up beat, no relationship talk, no Divorce talk. She has not said anything either.....so who knows. The unknown is what is scarey....I am afraid to talk about relationship for fear of what I might hear...just doing what I can to show her I care and love her and family...
Tony

You sound like your on the right track.<p>You neven will know for a fact if this will
"keep your relationship" together...
...but it sounds like your doing all you can to save your marriage.<p>About the "talking"...
...or more appropriately... the "fear" of talking about your relationship.<p>Develop and show some strength here...
...maybe some couneling...
...maybe professional...
...maybe with a minister...<p>...and then express yourself to your W honestly...<p>That you are going to do everything to show her you love her... and your committment to her is second only to your committment to your faith!<p>Express that faith... in all you do for your whole family.<p>I'm still praying for you and your whole family.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR