Hello, I'm a 32 yr old husband with 2 children(both girls). One of my daughters is from my current marriage of 4 going on 5 yrs. My oldest daughter is from a relationship my wife had 16 years ago. As I mentioned, I've been married almost 5 years of which the last 3 years have been in a downward spiral. Our relationship started out with all the benefits of a new marriage and was very fulfilling. We were thrilled to death with the idea that we were pregnant and would soon have another child. I was very understanding and read alot of books to be able to relate to what my wife would be going through, because I wanted to be as supportive as humanly possible. I've heard all the horror stories of husbands who treat their wives poorly during pregnance. I didn't want to be one of them. Through my reading I knew my wife would gain weight, naturally !! My wife has always been a little heavy in the hips (pear shaped body style)however, the first few years she was proportioned. After the baby was born I remained supportive and encouraged her to take her time with adjusting to the new lifestyle. I never, and I mean never!! made any comments about her weight because afterall she just had a child. Well now it has been almost three years since our little girl was born and my wife has not lost any weight, on the contrary, she has consistently gained. I still never, never point out her weight problem because I would never want to hurt her feelings and diminish her self-esteem. To the contrary, what I'm finding is that her self-esteem has suffered through her own doing. This has severly affected our relationship to the point whereby I have not received a kiss from her in over a year or more. Notice that I said received........I must mention that I do kiss my wife every single day both when I leave for work and when I return from work. But that is where it ceases. She will never come to me and give me a kiss or a hug spontaneously. I need affection from her just as much as she needs it from me. When we ride together in the car I may place my hand on her knee, however, I will always have to ask her to return the gesture. Sex is maybe once every two weeks and for that I may have to request it several times and hope that she remains awake one evening in order to engage in lovemaking. After the last couple of years I have grown incredibly weary of making attempts to emotionally connect only to be patronized. I've talked to her many times about my love for her and the fact that it is neverending, but without a sign of love in return it becomes a one way street. She seldom participates in our discussions and there are times when I ask her to please answer me and participate in the communication. I don't want to become a lecturer so I intensionally stop talking so she can participate. Usually all I hear is "I don't know" <BR>I have read many topics and threads on this forum today and have yet to stumble across a MAN who has a similar problem. I welcome any advice or suggestions that would point me in a positive direction. I don't have anyone to share this problem with, other than God, and I've prayed to him extensively. So I'm hoping, in the meantime, that some of you may lend me a suggestion or two. I typed this in sort of a rush so I'm sure that there may be some lingering questions. That is fine too. I'm willing to provide any further information you may wish in order to assess my situation.

<small>[ January 27, 2005, 07:42 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

It could be that she DOSEN"T KNOW why she is feeling the way she is. I think that the doctors appointment is a good idea. Have you ever suggested counseling? Would she be willing to try? Keep offering support and hang in there.

I know exactly what you are going through, for the exception of the weight gain you've described my situation to a tee, including the "I don't knows." I to have two kids and love my wife very much. She recently began going to a counselor and I'm hoping she can help or at least provide some insight into what she is going through. Mean while all I can do is be there for her and hope things turn for the best. Hope the same for you. Hang in there.<P>

First of all, Thank you for your suggestion..I have eluded to the fact that we should both go to a counselor. I stress both because I don't want her to feel as if I am blaming any problems on her and her alone. However, I get no willingness from her to commit to an appointment. I have to do everything in this relationship and it just seems so futile if she isn't at least willing to say "yes" I'll go. I certainly can't force her to go see a doctor. Am I making sense? <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hanora:<BR><B>How about a doctor's appt. to consider possibility of depression? Sleeps a lot, withdrawn, uncommunicative are all signs. Is she animated with friends, does she exchange cheerful comments with the children? If this behaviour is universal I would definately get her off to a doctor.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

She has told me before that she is depressed due to her weight gain. She often says I'm going to get rid of this weight once and for all, but then doesn't follow through. I've heard this and seen this many times over. I have even attempted to set an example by setting a goal for myself to lose weight and exercise, hoping she would follow my lead. But instead she bakes a cake. I have mentioned counseling for the two of us, so she doesn't feel like the problem is all her. But I cannot get a commitment from her to try. I don't want to force the issue because I believe it will be taken in a way whereby I think she is crazy or something. I just keep being supportive and dropping little hints that I am unhappy and we need to work on our relationship. Hoping one day that she will wake up. In the meantime, I am afraid that if any other woman were to show me even a little affection I would be suceptible to an affair. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by shelleykg:<BR><B>It could be that she DOSEN"T KNOW why she is feeling the way she is. I think that the doctors appointment is a good idea. Have you ever suggested counseling? Would she be willing to try? Keep offering support and hang in there. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Finally!! I'm so glad to hear that at least I'm not alone on this one. Good for you that your wife has willingly gone to see someone. I hope things work out for you. My problem is that, If I don't follow through and make all the arrangements for her nothing will get done about it. And even then there is no guarantee that she will actually go. The other issue is money. She will find any way possible to say that we don't have the money to spend on counseling. I don't think that there is any free counseling out there. I could be wrong. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jax:<BR><B>I know exactly what you are going through, for the exception of the weight gain you've described my situation to a tee, including the "I don't knows." I to have two kids and love my wife very much. She recently began going to a counselor and I'm hoping she can help or at least provide some insight into what she is going through. Mean while all I can do is be there for her and hope things turn for the best. Hope the same for you. Hang in there.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

She said she would see someone but I think she's going in there with her mind set on leaving. She doesn't believe that there is any alternative. Last night she came home very late after being out with friends and decided it was time she was on her own. I took it very hard and explained to her that since we've only had a couple of sessions together she couldn't possilby hope for any results. Her biggest reason for leaving, I think, is that she feels she doesn't love me anymore and feels its unfair to me to stay, however after a lenghy discussion I believe I've convinced her to give it more time, there is more at stake here than just her happiness, I believe she needs to consider the impact on the kids. I've read in this forum and elsewhere that it is possible for a person to fall back in love with another if they were in love before. I may be grasping at straws here but I have to try. Keep us posted on how things turn out for you, and keep trying.<BR>

sgar32, first of all let me say good for you for putting so much effort into your marriage..and for supporting your wife...<BR>On the issue of her weight..Im so glad that you havent said anything to her about it..people with weight problems are constantly aware of the problem...when others tell them about their problem it only depresses them more. unfortunately..she will never loose weight untill she is ready. the counceling sounds like a good idea. more than likely she is eating because she isnt happy..i have no idea why..the symptom of over eating will not go away untill the problem underneath dissapears...good luck..I hope it works out for you..

I am writing because in March 1999 I wrote with a problem similar than yours. Mine had culminated in my wife indicating that she did not love me. We bergan seeing a marriage counselor who indicated that my wife was depressed. She also began seeing another counselor herself. The progress was significant, but is not yet over. I had the same signs as you and like you tried to be accomodating, etc. The understanding of each other and ourselves which we received from counseling made all the difference. I can not believe the change in our relationship. There is no question that the individual counseling which my wife received was extremely beneficial. I hope the same for you. I have written this not to gloat, but to offer you hope.