Please can somebody give me advice. <p>I think that my husband is a "Binge drinker". He will frequently not come home until 5am the next morning. He never lets me know where he is and always comes home from these outings drunk. I don't think that he is having an affair, I think he just enjoys chatting at the pubs. <p>The longest that he has not done this is for 6 weekes, otherwise it is quite frequently. Recently it has been once a week. <p>It is almost as if he is 2 different people. I truly love the "sober" man and he is what makes me really want to persevere, but the "drunk" man repulses me.<p>I can't live like this anymore. I have not told anybody about this problem and always cover up for him. I have no one to talk to and don't know where to go. Please can you help me!

Hang in their girl, our situations sound familar my husband had a jekyl and hyde attitude when it came to drinking and he stayed out to all hours of the night and when you asked any questions all I heard was broken promises and lies. Husband and I are no longer together but two things really helped me out Alanon ( they usually have 24hr hot lines) and I also read books on co denpendcy the best one I found was by Melody Beattie. Now when I think back to all his drinking times I wonder why I hid it from everyone as I now realize I was a very lonley person trying to live my perfect life. Keep your chin up and try to help yourself and the saying I always told myself is If you love someone set them free if the come back it was mean't to be if they don't it was never mean't to be and yes I am still waiting but I don't think the alien is coming back. Good luck and keep posting.

Dear Jazzie,<p>Thank you so much for your encouraging words, I really needed them. I can relate so well to what you are saying. Nobody else knows about my husband's drinking, I suppose I don't want to see my marriage fail and be seen as a failure. I have always wanted the kind of marriage that my parents have and I do think that when my husband is sober it is like that. <p>My daughter is also only 3 years old and I don't want her to grow up in a broken home, it is so important to me. <p>When did you decide to get divorced, and how long did his drinking continue?<p>Thanks again for your support!

Hello LL86<p>It is difficult being in that situation, where you wait and wait for him to come home and the stress and the emotional [censored] that you go through wondering where he is. I know... <p>My XH said before we got married he never wanted to be one of those husbands that spent their evenings in pubs etc. I guess right then I should have wondered what sparked that statement but I was so in love and naive I thought I have been very fortunate in love.. Oh well as things went along in our marriage he would go drinking after an argument and leave me alone, no phone, no car, nothing... wondering where he is, who he is with. I would be angry, he'd be apologetic, so not only was the previous disagreement not resolved but a new problem was added. I became terrified of his running away from our problems to go drink... He would promise to never to it again. And I'd believe him because I wanted to, but I didn't trust that he never would drink again. This continued entire marriage... Do you know what he told he told me after we separated first time? "I was pretending to be someone that I was not". I don't know how someone can do that to another person, in truth he was a drunk and pretended not to like drinking. He was also a Jackyl and Hyde character, one I hated, the other I loved. I loved the person that wasn't real... <p>I don't think I'm helping here, but that is just some of my story. I think that maybe you should sit down and discuss with you H why he goes off drinking? Could he drink at home instead? And better yet ask him to go to AL anon. And for yourself share your problems with your mom or friends, they won't judge you for your H's actions. It is very lonely keeping this kind of thing to yourself and not have any kind of support.<p>Love and Care
Pantha

Hi,<p>Have you been to alanon? The organization has information to help determine if someone is an alcoholic or not. (only the alcoholic can diagnose himsslf)<p>I had to try several alanon groups before I found the right one for me, but it helped to learn to detatch (good to detatch from other things as well)<p>Also, open AA meetings are great. You can't force your H to get sober. But you can learn about alcohlism. Binge drinking applies! <p>I know all too well. When they are the drinking person, they do all kinds of things that they would not do sober. I've heard all kinds of stories.<p>Some of the greatest people I know are sober alcoholics that are truly working thier program. <p>God Bless [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi
I'm not really a new member here. I found this site in July 1999. It was literally a life saver. I needed so bad to talk to somebody. ANYBODY!!!
I want to give you encouraging words here. You don't say how long you have been married but because your daughter is only three and his family and yours don't know about his drinking, it hasn't been all that long I'm guessing. 5 yrs?<p>I won't go into my whole story here (nobody wants to read for days) [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] But a brief synopsis is: (well maybe not so brief)
I met my childhood sweetheart when I was 14 years old. I loved him then and I loved him on our 25TH wedding anniversary as the sherrif served me divorce papers. What happened? I want to tell you that Alcoholism is the reason for the failure of my marriage. But it's not really. Alcoholism is the reason you never build a good marriage in the first place.
Let me try to explain. When you start to build a life together, so many things take place, so many things to work out and work on. Anyone with a good marriage knows that you need to work at it every day. It gets easier but the struggles and the working together can't stop until they are resolved into a wonderful lifelong friendship that both partners are healed and find love and safety.
When the monster of alcoholism came to live at our house the marriage and the family stopped growing. You are forever stuck, trapped in your memories and hopes that SOMEDAY the drinking will stop, that you will again see that person in him that you damn well know is there. Of course that funny, happy loving person is in there, shoot you couldn't have fallen in love with a figment of your imagination.
You search and you search, in the beginning you find him every once in a while. He'll quit drinking for a while, or sunday morning, I loved sunday morning....
For awhile, for me it was 10 years, you cover for him. Admit it..you lie. That part is easier if you tell yourself your protecting your children or even him. You let people believe that your marriage is fine. You forgive him his lapses.
Sure you worry, sometimes your p^&sed off, sometimes you cry, sometimes you plead, sometimes you try to be more loving, sometimes you forgive the unforgivable, sometimes you even convince yourself that he's really not an alcoholic, sometimes you blame yourself..(what did I do to drive him to drink?) There are a thousand more sometimes you!!!
Have you ever asked yourself..If I took all the time I spend worrying and dealing with alcohol
and all it's related problems....WHAT would I do with my time? I know you've told yourself that everything would be OK if only he would not drink...or is it if only he wouldn't drink so much?
The point I'm trying to make is. The marriage is not able to survive in the form you dream about when the monster still lives there. You may stay married for fifty years but you are still forever stuck back there. Your right, the Alcoholic and the man you love ARE two different people. The alcoholic IS the man you fell in love with, and he IS the man you love now...He's chemically altered. And so is your marriage.
Others have suggested Al anon & AA, they are both great programs. I found AA more helpful than Al anon. Learning to cope with and live with Alcoholism in a spouse, to me is self defeating.
It always seemed ridiculous to me, the question Do you really want to save the marriage to an Alcoholic? Of course not!!!!! I WANT THE ALCOHOLIC TO GET OUT OF THE MAN I LOVE!!!!!!
I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!<p> I wanted this to sound so upbeat and encouraging, I really did. But I see me in you. You said I can't live like this anymore. The choices you make today will effect the rest of your life and the life of your child. SHE has the right to her father, she has the right to be Daddy's little girl. She has the right to expect her parents marriage to be a model for hers. She is still a baby right now. It is not too late.
It's not too late for you or for her or for your marriage.
If your husband started acting funny and you knew something was wrong. (Say he didn't drink). But you noticed he was dizzy alot and had memory lapses. You finally get him to tell you he has this horrible disease. This disease has a cure. The cure takes a long time and is very painful, but he can be healthy again. He decides he doesn't want to go through that. All the doctors say that this disease without the cure will not only kill him but will rip his family apart, will hurt his little girl verybadly, will break his parents heart, will distroy everything it comes in contact with.
What would YOU do? Would you cover for him?
Would you make excuses for his behavior?
Would you lie to his parents by denying he's sick?
Would you just let him destroy everything you love?
Would you let him LET himself Die?
That's what Alcoholism is....It's a disease..it has a cure...the cure takes a long time, a lifetime. Denying it doesn't make it disappear.
Learning to live with it only makes the dieing longer...But it's still death..whether it takes 5 yrs or fifty.<p>Do your homework girl. learn everything there is to know about Alcoholism. Go to AA meetings, not to learn to live with it, but to meet recovering alcoholics..I agree, there are some wonderful people out there that chose life.<p>I do not agree that YOU can't choose life. You can. CHOOSE LIFE. CHOOSE TO LOVE THE MAN INSIDE.
REFUSE TO WATCH OR HELP HIM DIE. REFUSE TO ALLOW THE MONSTER TO STEAL YOUR WORLD. REFUSE TO ALLOW HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS TO JUST LET HIM DIE. AND HE WILL DIE. Maybe not physically , but make no mistake, it's still death!<p>The choice to take the cure is still his and no, you can not help him. YOU can't make him better, you can't DO it. But you CAN make him choose life now. You can refuse to be destroyed by this.<p>Don't let yourself be deterrred, there is only one cure for this disease. There is no "I'll cut back" no bargaining, He has one choice to pick from here. Oh he can choose to just die. But he has to know that if he does, no ultimatums, no denial. YOU choose LIFE. HE CAN"T CHOOSE FOR YOU!!! AND DO IT!!!!<p>If he chooses LIFE, then you hold his hand and you get him through the scarey parts. You stand with him and you build a marriage your little girl will be so proud to emulate. You let him know that you will be his rock.<p> A friend of mine just recently told me he's going to kick his wife out. She's an alcoholic. He wanted me to sympathise with him. She commited herself and is really trying. He refuses to help her again. That's sad, she's asking for help. Anyway, why I mention this is, the alcohol treatment councilor told him that in 90% of the cases where the Alcoholic goes into recovery, the marriage fails. I don't believe that. In some cases that might be true..a long term marriage where the memories of life before Alcoholism are dimmed or where love is smothered by hurt and sheer survival, maybe. But where the love still burns and the memories keep your heart hoping...then there's always hope.<p>GET HIM TO CHOOSE LIFE, LOVE, HIS DAUGHTER and HOLD ON SO TIGHT THAT HE WILL NEVER EVER REGRET LOCKING THE MONSTER UP FOREVER!!!<p>Sorry this was so long.
Love and Hugs, A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step.<p>Molly