I need some help...how to deal with a mean ex husband...<p>We divorced 1 1/2 years ago, I subsequently moved 1000 miles away with our 3 little kids. We had been married 12 years when I discovered that he was not only cheating on me but had not only spent our life savings but amassed incredible debt on top of that. I still don't know what he was doing...I opted for a quick divorce in order to get out of the state asap. My former best friend had turned out to be my worst enemy once I uncovered his "secrets"...<p>Since the divorce, we have not been able to communicate at all, even about the kids. When he came to pick up the kids for a visitation, I attempted to communicate some issues my oldest son was having in school. He totally blew them off and then went off on me about how he won't trust anything I say, even about the children, or take it seriously because I am such a "liar"...that I am "untrustworthy"...<p>I told him that while the feelings were mutual on my part, that we needed to put our personal feelings aside for the benefit of our children...and while we both make mistakes as people and parents, he is continually scape goating me and is hyper critical. I told him he would grind an axe against Mother Theresa if he was angry. <p>Then out came an outburst about how much he hates me, mistrusts me and he told me to get out of his way before he "vomits"...<p>I was in shock and horrified...after the kids left I cried for a couple of hours. you would think that I was the one who lied, cheated and obfuscated the truth...<p>Please, any thoughts or comments? How does one cooperate when you are dealing with someone like this? Where do I go from here?

What a [censored]. I am so sorry you had to experience that! I would say keep the communication to a lawyer or if you get a letter from school have them send him a copy also. You do not deserve to be treated that way, ever! If he is concerned about them he will ask, otherwise I am sure you can do a fine job of handling any situation yourself. I know how hard it is to take care of the kids without a partner, but the hassle is not worth involving him when he seems not to give a rat's butt. You don't make me vomit and you never will. I promise. Buy yourself a bag of chocolate oreos, you deserve it.
Elizabeth

I really feel for you. I'm having similar problems with my STBX.<p>What I've read is to try and set up "appointments" to discuss the children - make it like a business meeting with an agenda and everything. Don't let the conversation stray off subject and limit the time. Then if you need to discuss something further, you need to either decide on another time or agree to continue. <p>E-mail can also work - it's less personal and there is a record if he acts ugly in print.<p>I know it's hard, but try to set some boundaries and it he speaks ugly to you then just tell him you need to remove yourself from the conversation until he can treat you with respect.<p>You may just have to make decisions without him until he comes around.<p>I'm hoping that in my custody agreement we can put something into it about discussions about the kids. Ideally we should be in counseling to learn how to communicate with each other, but WH never has any time(according to him) to discuss anything. It is going to drive me crazy for sure.<p>There are also some books out there like Co-Parenting with a Jerk(I think that's the title) and there are some others. I'd just do a search on Amazon.com about co-parenting.<p>Don't worry, you're not the first to go through this and unfortunately won't be the last. I'd try to find some of those books to give you some ideas. Some couples have to go through third parties for a while until things cool down.<p>Try not to let what he says get to you. He's just trying to hurt you. It's sad that they act like this, but we have no control. K

I'll second the email recommendation. My xw was so abusive that I finally had to stop answering the phone. I let her know that the only communication I'd accept would be voice mail or email, and then only about the kids. Of course she didn't like it, but that's her problem, not mine. She tried all kinds of tactics to get around it too, including calling the kids and asking them to give the phone to me.<p>Answering machines and email accounts are great for enforcing boundries.

Thanks everyone for the advice. <p>I just got back from a business trip so I couldn't log on til today...<p>The problem I have is that my ex refuses to email me. Once when he was being particularly nasty and combative I cc'd my attorney on an email in order to give him a head's up on my ex's behavior...since then my ex will only communicate with me via mail. He will not talk to me on the telephone or email any longer. Talk about a control freak...<p>I don't include him on decisions any longer since he makes no effort to communicate with me regarding the children: their education, day to day welfare, etc. The last time he asked how they were doing was 15 months ago...<p>I don't know about any of you, but it seems to me that the more successful and independent I become, the nastier and more vindictive he becomes. <p>I don't get it...I was the one who was who was fighting for the survival of our marriage and family...now that he has what he supposedly wanted, he hates me. <p>Thanks for you input, I just really needed a reality check.

Is it possible that we have the same ex? So much of what you write is like a page torn from my own experience. That bit about refusing to utilize e-mail because you dared to cc your attorney? Been there. Accusing you of lying, betrayal, manipulation, and so on? Been there. I wish I could say it gets better, but it seems unlikely at this point. Whatever goes wrong in his life will, of course, be your fault. Whatever goes right in your life will, of course, be due to his benevolence and fortitude. Whatever is good about the kids is because of him; whatever is "bad" about them (read: reminds him of you) is your doing.<p>Sound familiar? It's hard when you finally get to the point where you feel centered and in control, only to have him run the ol' steamroller over you. Just remember: whatever his words, you are neither the cause nor the just recipient of his wrath. You are just a handy scapegoat. Try your best to avoid contact with him and rely on the opinions of those people in your life who really know you and your children--your friends, family, and community.<p>The book mentioned by the previous respondent does have some worthwhile suggestions. It's called "Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex" by Ross/Cochran. I picked it up on the former half.com (now part of e-Bay, I think) for about two bucks.<p>In the end, those in our situation just need to learn how to be really good ducks: let all the vitriol spat upon us just roll off our backs. That does, of course, have the unfortunate effect of increasing the level of his hostility. In their reality, no reaction = no gain.<p>Take care.

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Can I send you mine to deal with too? I can't tell you how much I wish he would drop off the edge of the world. At least he send the CS on time - usually.

Wow, you all make me feel so good! After years of being married to him I assumed all the blame for what was wrong about our marriage.<p>It's difficult to re-adjust and so glad that I have this Board for a reality check. <p>I do think that the more successful I become, the more he hates me. I think that he wants me grovelling at his feet, hungering for any attention he might give me. I moved on with my life and for the most part, am doing great. I did realize that the kids and I would be healthier away from him and so we moved far away from him which I think he resents.<p>I will get the book! Right now I am having a chuckle over his behaviour: it was hurtful last week and I cried but now that time has passed, I see what a horrible reflection it is on him and to what levels he feel necessary to stoop to...<p>That's right, what a jerk! I know that God hates divorce but I guess He didn't want me married to someone like the Ex!!!<p>Life goes on and I will choose to be happy and avoid all contact with him.