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#721384 02/19/02 08:24 AM
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Pantha Offline OP
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I feel like sh!t at the moment. It was my XH's birthday yesterday, I sms'd him Happy Bday and he replied with Thx. End. But he just phoned me a little while ago, about a 20 minute conversation. I was nice to him, asked him 'bout his birthday etc. He continued to talk to me after asking a few business questions. Talked about religion and 'how good his life is', I don't think he tried to rub it in or anything, but Oh how I feel lousey about myself now. Like I must be the dysfunctional one, because he is happy and I'm still lonely and single and feel like I don't really have anything... He was telling me how money doesn't matter to him anymore, etc all things I think I tried to live by when we were together and he never got it. I didn't say anything to cause an argument, I just agreed, I wanted to scream at him!! I don't know why I let this affect me so much! He said things like 'we were not happy together...', I never commented. Maybe he thinks I'm fine too, I hope so, I would hate for him to know how much things still pain me.

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Hey Pantha - I think you did fine. I'm not divorced yet, so I'm not where you "are" yet, but I think I can understand.

quote:
'how good his life is', I don't think he tried to rub it in or anything, but Oh how I feel lousey about myself now. Like I must be the dysfunctional one, because he is happy and I'm still lonely and single and feel like I don't really have anything

Exactly. I'm where you are, my ex is where he is. I think they still try to rationalize their behaviour, throw in a bid or two for control, and I think this is the agenda. I don't think this is true "sharing", just an attempt at manipulation.

While I am lonely, I'm takin' the opportunity to "do the work". On me. I think you are too.

And this will pay off.. I lost my dream, but I think there are better things ahead..and our efforts now will allow them to come. And we'll know how to keep them..

Things still pain me also. I think I'm moving forward, and something will trigger; I've actually caught my breath, couldn't speak..

The story goes when we've fully felt our pain, and grieved our losses, it will pass. That stupid time thing...

So..if the average man lives to 75, and I'm 41, I've only got 34 years till this is over..

Dan

[ February 19, 2002: Message edited by: Family Man ]


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Thank you Dan. I needed that... to hear it might be manipulation... to know there are people out there that care...

34 years hey!? Wonder how long that is for women... me being 28 and all... Gosh I hope the painful things get less, although I know they do get less, so I hope the intensity of the things that still affect get less.

Pantha


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Hi Pantha-

I feel for you. You were nice to wish him a happy birthday and you did an awesome job of just agreeing with him. I agree with Dan on the manipulation part. I really doubt his life is as wonderful as he claims, but he wants you to think it is. There is a lot to be said about perception. So although you feel badly, you won the game because you kept your feelings to yourself and therefor he probably hung up feeling many of the same things that you are.

I go to court today, but we still aren't in agreement as to the settlement. We are meeting with lawyers before the hearing, but if we don't reach an agreement we will have to postpone the divorce. Wish me luck. Although it is not what I originally wanted, I know it is what has to be.

Hang in there. You are doing a lot of work on yourself, we all are. You are also facing your emotions no matter how hard. Our x's are doing none of this and therefor they will never find contentment with or without us. You will survive this just like everything before.

Take care,
K


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Pantha,

Just remember everything gets better. I am going thru a divorce (W is WS) and she seems so happy, but I do not think she understands what the big picture will be. I hurt like hell, but it has to be. I am scared what's out there, but I'll make the best of it and I know you will too.

I agree with Dan's logic on his reply. We have to move forward. Remember - LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Who knows, we might be better off then where we're at now.

Good luck

Dino


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Hi Pantha,

I did the same thing, called H to wish him a happy birthday. I got the monotone "Thanks" after a five second pause. Sheesh! You try to be nice, and they make you feel like ......well never mind. Anyway, in your case, I think he is probably worse off than he wants you to believe, take heart in that.

Love and light,

Jacky

[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: Nina too ]


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I talked with daughter yesterday and she was telling me how exw, got so material and wants to have everything better than what she had with me, she ask all the time do you think my new house is nicer, is my car nicer ect ect ect. Daughter said exw is miserable with other man, since they are both WS they can not leave each other out of site. He hates her spending, she hates where she is and misses grandkids terrible. But yet she keeps trying to convince everyone how happy she is and how she did the right thing. She is so upset cause she thought my life would fall apart with out her in it, I fooled her I picked my self up and have been trying to make a better life for myself. I still hurt, there is alot of pain. But behind her smiles and cheer she is worse off than me, I feel sorry for her. My point here is they are hurting and still in the fog, so I don't think you can beleive him on anything.

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Still reeling thank you for your words... I hope that everything went smoothly yesterday at court. It must have been a tough day for you.

Dino, Nina and Jabber thank you for caring... it means a lot to me.

I am feeling a bit better today... things affecting me less... but once again my 'concentration span' at work is affected, that is something that I seriously need to overcome...

Anyway one day, one hour, one minute, one second... life goes on... and we all know that things have to get better

Pantha


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Hey there!

I have been gone a while, but caught your post. I agree with the manipulation part as well. Maybe trying to convince himself as well. My ex said he has learned so much and is "Applying it" to his life. Whatever. Things that I needed, she is getting. Supposedly. Of course, over time, I realized the sham and how unhappy he is and he admitted it too. You did the right thing in wishing him a happy birthday. Hewants you to think he is happy when in reality, he is probably very confused.

My ex was in a habit of calling me and being all melancholy and wistful, talking mistakes and how we really used to connect. When I called him on it and asked him to stop because he was pathetic, his tune changed to "well, we never really connected." Focus on what you feel, not what he says to you. Your happiness should not be compared to his psuedo happiness. I used to do the same thing: my ex is married again, I am not. He is supposedly "at peace. Therefore, I am not. (???) It is not reality.

Hang in there!


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Don't worry about it Pantha,

People like to make themselves sound better off then they were to upset you. It works I know, my stbx reminds me evertime I pick up my daughter.

Keep strong & prey to God,

Your not alone.


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GSD, I am so glad to hear from you!! Its been ages and I have often wondered how you are. Its amazing the realities that our ex's live in. I have been thinking about it... I really hope that he is happy, I just don't want to hear about it. But I do remember him going through phases where he was totally 'high on life' and the next he'd drop down pretty low. Please email me sometime ....
p_a_n_t_h_a@hotmail.com

Disgruntled_Dad thanks for your support. You are new here? I am not sure if you are still hoping to fix your marriage or where you are... maybe you can post it sometime...

Pantha



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