I've been working on plan B and I'm actually starting to get my life back together. It still bothers me that she's already on no. 2 OM who has been shacking up with her for about a month and a half.<p>She's been telling me that she's just helping out a friend, and yes they are dating, but he sleeps on the couch and they don't do anything in front of our son. I know she's lying as I spied on her when I first found out about it. He sleeps in her bed, they kiss passionately in front of my son, they go everywhere together, and he sees my son more than I do [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well I've learned to deal with it, I'm no longer spying, and I'm sticking to Plan B. My son still knows I'm his father and as long as I have my bond with him I can handle it. What I can't handle is the constant lies from her and knowing what our son is seeing. She will call me up and say she's coming to pick our son up instead of me dropping him off, offering some excuse or another, but I know the real reason is because she doesn't want to inconvenience the OM and have him leave the house so we don't confront each other.<p>Last night after I told her I'm taking my son to the city for the weekend, she wanted to know where we were staying. I said I don't know yet, which became an issue. I told her she had a lot of nerve to question where I'm taking my son when she is shacking up with someone not two months after we separated... exactly what they told us not to do in our parenting class.<p>Am I wrong for complaining about her lifestyle (she teaches sunday school and denies that she's doing anything wrong)? Whenever there is an issue with what I do with my son, she is quick to voice her opinion, but whenever I voice mine it's as if it doesn't count.<p>I'm thinking about asking her to let me meet the OM, so we can have a man to man talk and know where each other is coming from. Then she won't have to lie and sneak around, and I can feel better about letting him know how much my son means to me. I'm scared to death of the evil stepfather syndrom, and how he treats my son. Is he trying to replace me as his new father? Is he mean or does he hit my son? So many questions...<p>I've gone on two dates since we separated, both times when I didn't have my son. I believe it's wrong to introduce new partners so soon and it kills me that she is doing it.<p>Any advice would be appreciated.<p>[ February 19, 2002: Message edited by: NotAdeadbeat ]</p>

Let me throw in a little background. Married 3 years, got married for the wrong reasons. I was 35 at the time and thinking I might not ever settle down and have kids, so I was desperate. We only knew each other a few months before I proposed. The last year of our marriage things started to break down. I felt like I could do nothing right with her, and we had very different interests. I spent alot of time playing computer games and ignoring her to avoid fighting. It didn't work. I left thinking I should get away so our son didn't have to see us fighting, and that she being a good Christian would not shack up with the first guy that came along and made her feel good.<p>I know I'm a better father now since I'm devoting 100% of the time I have with my son to him. I read a post along the lines that "no matter what happens you will always be his father, and nobody can take that away from you." I'm starting to realize that's true since my son still gets so excited when I pick him up from day care.<p>But still the thought of some guy I don't know spending more time with my son than me is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

bump<p>anyone have similar experiences?

I am very sorry for the circumstance you are in. It sounds like you are putting your son first, which is what a parent should do. It blows my mind that parents like your ex W and my ex H are unable to put aside their own needs for the needs of their children. I will never understand that. <p>My ex H had a very public affair with one of my best friends. We separated twice before our final separation. He announced he was leaving me for her August 6. August 10th, he took my two girls, ages 4 and 2, to spend the weekend at her apartment. WHAT?! Talk about the worst possible thing to do to my children. He married her two days after our divorce was final in October, so now she is my children's stepmother. Blah. She left her own two boys to be with my H - they are 2 and 7 - so that tells you what type of person she is.<p>It was even harder for me because my kids grew up with her, her kids, and her ex H. They were pretty confused for a while. I try to answer my 4 year old's questions honestly but not saying anything negative. "Why don't you like Jill anymore, Mommy?" "Well, we used to be friends, but now we aren't. The important thing is that she is nice to you." Like you, it kills me that the OW has a hand in raising my children. But I can't control that, so I concentrate on things I can control. I would recommend the same for you. Continue to consider what is best for your son. It sounds like a reasonable talk with your ex about your fears may be in order. Stay unemotional and accusatory if possible. And know that you are his father, always. And you are acting more like a father than your ex is a mother. Taking the high road is always better in the long run. I'm thinking of you!<p>WhoAmINow

I hear you about the spying thing, the not knowing stuff kills you, but it won't get you anywhere but a restraining order. <p>Maybe you should take a stronger stand with her considering this is something you feel so strongly about. If you are concerned about the best interests of the child, a nice letter (certified) from you or your lawyer, or a chat with the gal manning the desk at the family court commissioners office should get you some ideas of steps to take. <p>It really is not a good idea for the little one to be exposed to lots of new daddy figures. <p>Good luck!
E

Thanks for the support ladies. My family thinks it's too early for me to meet the OM, as my emotions are still running high. I think they may be right.<p>I plan on taking this to mediation and see what my options are. I've had the "reasonable talks" with the x but she insists she is doing nothing wrong.<p>In the meantime I will be following your advice WhoamInow. It seems like very good advice especially coming from someone who has been through the same thing. I very much appreciate it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi again -<p>I forgot to mention that my lawyer said there was nothing I could do about OW being around my children unless I could prove abuse or neglect. Everyone would agree it isn't in the best interest of your son to be exposed to OM so soon, but your best bet is to get her to agree to not do this instead of hoping the courts will mandate it. Maybe bring copies of books that state this, or meet with a child psychologist and have him write up something. Your message could be "I have accepted that you are going to be with someone else. My concern now lies with our son and how we can make this the best situation for him." Faced with that, she will look awfully bad if she ignores the advice of every child expert there is.
I really feel for you. Let me know if I can help in any way. This sucks, doesn't it!?<p>WhoAmInow (Krista)

I am in your situation right now. I know exactly what you are going through. My xh walked out on me and our 2 boys last summer and our D was final the beginning of this year. I did not find out about the OW until he was gone for a month. It all hit very hard! I asked my xh out of respect for me and in the best interests of the children not to have the OW around the children, most especially since we were still married. Well, I was told that he didn't feel like he was married and he had to move on with his life. Apparently he had been moving on with his life for quite some time without my knowledge. We went to those parenting classes too and one of the first things they said was to not introduce other people into their lives, to give them time to adjust. Well, my xh introduced his woman to them the very first time they spent the night with him. This was around October after he walked out. This upset me terribly and made me very angry. He said he didn't think that the children would be affected by this ow and that they were doing okay and not to make a big deal about nothing. Of course, this situation ended up getting way out of control. Later, after we both had calmed down I told my xh that we both needed to agree on the fact that neither one of us will have another person staying the night while the children were present. That was really all that I could get, but it was something. I even had it put in the D papers. As far as the OW being around during the day, nothing I can do about it. Makes me sick, hurts, makes me angry, but nothing I can do. I voiced my opinion, I told him he was wrong and he was hurting the children. One day he will see what he has done and realize he was wrong, that is all I can hope for. To know that he was wrong. My children are very young, 6 & 2, and they don't understand anything about any of this. They don't understand that this OW is their father's girlfriend. I don't try to explain it either, they don't comprehend the magnitude of the divorce yet, why confuse them and overload them with anything else? One day they will understand and make their own judgements. All I can do and all you can do is love your children and teach them right from wrong. I tell you what, when my children are old enough and start asking me questions and ask me if it is wrong what their dad did, you better believe I will tell them that he was wrong. I am a Christian mother and I am raising my children with Christian values and I will teach them right from wrong.<p>Stay strong........<p>
Kathy

If you need a male perspective. I went through the same thing. My now x left in July of 99, stayed in a hotel for a week which the om paid for and then found an apartment and moved there. om followed about 2 weeks after that. ONly reason he wasn't in sooner was that he was taking care of his wife who reportedly attempted or threatened to commit suicide when he told her he was leaving her for my w.<p>Anyway I battled with her about having the kids around om and she tried, but not very hard to keep him away. Our son had gone to his grandmothers for a week and x was supposed to pick him up and x left me a phone message that her and om were going to get him. This was about 3 weeks after she had moved out.
I threw a fit, called her parents to see what was going on, her mother said x just said she was bringing him and FIL said he wasn't coming in his house. I got back to x and after a few hang ups she said she would pick him up herself. I called om back and told him if he would like to discuss I would be more than happy to meet him somewhere. He declined, and said he understood and would stay away when the kids were there.<p>No long after, I had some problems with my son and he said he was upset because om was at apart. when he said he wouldn't. I then confronted stbx after she got off work and raised a fuss. I almost got arrested.<p>Him being around my kids was really a hard thing to accept and it was driving me crazy. My counselors asked me what I feared, was he violent, drug abuser, etc and as far as I knew he wasn't. They finally convinced me that there was nothing I could do to stop him from being around. That he was not going to replace me. Also I that I had to think that stbx was probably going to marry the guy and then wouldn't I want the kids to have a good/positive relationship.<p>I had to agree I didn't want my kids to feel the anguish I was going through and started to let go.
I did talk to my lawyer about getting a restarining order but he felt it was useless since there was no drugs, abuse, etc. involved and by that time the divorce papers were underway.<p>I still have had some problems accepting om/h around my kids, but it gets better with time. I had a problem last year when had to go out of town for a week and told the x about so she could arrange her schedule. She never bothered and said om could watch the kids(ages 14 & 11). We ended up fighting with her getting in my face and I ended up bum rushing her out of my house. Unfortunetly me losing my temper seemed to get her attention, and there hasn't seemed to be any problems now. <p>When the kids are there, there usually go to friends anyhow and a couple times my daughter has come home when her mother wasn't there.<p>What I am saying is, forget seeing om. He will lie to you anyway. Get a restraining order if you can, and try not to drive yourself crazy. Continue to try to impress upon your w, the facts about having op around the kids. Don't follow my examples of losing your cool though.<p>Hang in!<p>Bob

Update:<p>Well I feel as if I have nothing to worry about right now. Last night after I dropped off my son I decided to go home using a different route, hoping to run into the OM (I know he was parked down the street waiting for me to leave) and confront him.<p>He saw me coming and took off in his car, avoiding my stare and I followed him to a dead end street. As he was turning around I stopped, rolled down the window and made a motion that I wanted to talk to him. He never looked at me and sped past. He turned back towards the ex's house and I quit following him, but stopped at the intersection in a way that he could see me watching him in his rear view mirror. He drove right past her house and kept on driving.<p>I then chuckled to myself thinking this wimp is so afraid of me, he would never do anything to my son that would make me mad. I still don't like the fact that they are shacking up, but I can live with it as long as I know my son is ok.<p>I slept better last night than I have for months [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm having a hard time finding anything specific about "when" is a good time to introduce new partners to your kids other than what we were told in our divorce class. Does anyone have a good reference?

Has anyone else noticed the inconsistency between the fact that some lawyers are telling their clients that there "is nothing they can do" and the fact that many people have prevented the WS from exposing the children to the OP, and many more have prevented them from exposing them to the OP staying overnight.<p>Whether the OP is a drug abuser, etc., isn't really the only problem. The risk of abuse of a child by a live-in boyfriend or even stepfather is much higher than by the biological parents, even when the boyfriend/stepfather is not alcoholic/drug using, etc. One study found that children of co-habitating mothers are 33 times more likely to be abused than are children in intact families:
http://www.mafamily.org/Cohabitation.htm<p>Another found that children are 100 times more likely to be killed by their stepparents than by their parents:<p>http://www.yale.edu/yup/books/080298.htm<p>Even if there is no abuse, almost all child psychologists agree that children should not be exposed to new SO's for quite awhile. When you are still married, in many states adultery and cohabitation are crimes, and how can you justify allowing a child to witness their parent commit a crime?<p>I don't want to worry you, hopefully unneccessarily, but if the OM is a coward, perhaps you should consider the possibility that he might be more likely to take it out on a defenseless child.<p>One of my biggest regrets was not doing everything legally possible to prevent my H from exposing the children to the OW while we were still married.<p>[ February 21, 2002: Message edited by: Nellie1 ]</p>