Hi. My wife and I have been married for seven years and together for nine. Three months ago, my wife came home one night and told me that she loved me, but she wasn't in love with me. She said that it felt like we were living together as brother and sister and that we had become complacent in our marriage. She ended up moving out a couple of days later.<p>My wife has many issues. Both of her parents were/are alcoholics, and her family is on the dysfunctional side. She cannot talk about emotions or feelings with any member of her family. Also, when she was sixteen, she tried to end her life.<p>Anyway, she has been going to individual therapy to address these issues. We had begun seeing a marriage therapist about a month after our separation. The counselor had a lot of good insights about our relationship and how it was affected by our upbringing. Oh, did I mention that we have been trying to have a baby for the past year? Unfortunately, my wife found our sessions to be "too intense" for her, so we stopped going. She needs time just to work on her own issues, and I agree.<p>As you can imagine, going from what I thought was a great relationship and trying to have our first child to being separated was quite a shock. I am sad, hurt, angry, and confused. I am also trying to get on with my life. <p>I do not call my wife telling her how much I love her. I don't call and beg her to come back. I don't stop by unexpectedly. I am really trying to give her space. I told her that I realize that this will take time, and I am willing to wait. I don't want to be with anyone else. I really love my wife; she is my best friend.<p>Anyway, has anyone ever been through something like this before? What does it really mean that "I love you, but I am not in love with you"? Could that be an excuse for some other issues? Our counselor pointed out that because of all the changes in our lives (trying to have a baby, buying a new house, job changes, etc.), we forgot to have fun as a couple.....<p>Any advice? I do not want a divorce, and I am willing to do what it takes....<p>Thanks.

Hi:
I can very much relate to your distress. My H of 11 years came home one day with nearly the same exact words that your W said. And yes, I too thought we had a great marriage, were best friends, etc. That was nearly 5 months ago, and he moved out the next day (swore up and down there was no one else). I found out a month into it that he was LIVING with another woman...and he still is. Despite that, and all the pain I've gone thru, I still don't want my marriage to end. I don't want to stress you out anymore than you probably are, but it's been my experience that when they want a separation and move out, there's nearly always someone else waiting in the wings. I'm hoping his affair dies a natural death at some point, but I realize this may happen long after I've had enough. Has your W told you there is no one else? To this day, my H refuses to acknowledge he was having an affair and won't even discuss the OW with me. Hopefully your W can be more honest if that is the case. Until you know what you're fully dealing with (the whole truth) it's hard to move in or develop any strategies for your relationship. I've been in Plan B with my H for the last 3 months (little or zero contact). By the way, we were undergoing intensive infertility treatments for the past year as well, and we shortly scheduled to undergo in-vitro. One last blow!

Limu,<p>Thanks for the response.<p>I asked my wife straight out if she was cheating on me, and she said no. She was hurt by my accusations. She said that this whole situation is not about finding someone or being with someone else. She said that she would rather have both of us be happy together as opposed to her being happy alone. As a matter of fact, I know that she is concerned that I will find someone else during our separation.<p>One thing in particular that came out in our counseling was that my wife would always hold things inside. As a result, she would end up getting mad at me, and I never knew she was mad. The end result was years of issues building up, thus leading to resentment of me. I believe that this has a lot to do with the "I love you, but I am not in love with you."<p>When we did go to counseling, we agreed that neither of us would date. So, I don't believe she is with anyone else. If she was, she would tell me (and if that was the case, I would be at a lawyer's office the next day).<p>We talk two to three times per week. Occasionally, we go out to dinner or work out together. <p>Anyway, I have been doing some research and found out that couples that separate do get back together...Maybe I'm just being over optimistic, but I really believe that we can work this out once she takes care of her own issues.<p>I hope everything works out for you.

I have heard that from my H too. He has repeadedly said here on the boards the exact same words. We are probably going to go for a separation, I am at the end of my straw. <p>Basically, what they are telling you is that you are a nice person, a good person, but they don't love you, so therefore they don't want to be married to you, they want to find this in-love experience they had in an affair, or heard or read somewhere. These people are in a deep FOGG, looking for the grass greener where the grass will turn brown sooner or later. All marriages turn sour sometime, and what it takes is meeting the other persons EN, and giving them support. Many WS feel that their in-love with the OP was the most fantastic person in the world, but in reality, all marriages out of affairs, turn to divorce in a short period of time. They can't handle the every day stress, they can't handle it when the fantasy, euphoria diminishes. <p>Just be there for her, tell her you love her and will wait. Ask for counseling for the two of you, maybe the Harleys. Read some of the MB books, they are good, but it takes two to work on them to be successful. <p>Did she have an affair or an attraction to someone else? One way is to snoop and find out. But I would ask anyway, and say if you feel the need to not tell me anything, that is OK. Just tell her you are her best friend, and whatever you do is okay. And if in time you feel the need to tell me, find. <p>WS's are the most insensitive people. They are into me, me, me!!!! That is why I am saying find out if she had an affair, but be gentle with her too. An affair will give you insight into why she is acting this way. <p>Good Luck, you sound like a very caring person, and seem to have a lot of love towards your wife. Maybe the stress of not being able to get pregnant has caused some of these feelings. Women feel inadequate in ways men don't feel, if they are unable to have a child of their own. Counseling might help with this too. Children are so important to both parents, this is very hard to deal with, and not with her emotional upheavel. I will pray for you and God will be with you.

It sounds like she needs to read the book Giver and Taker by Harley. <p>I'd als oread His Needs/Her Needs and everything on this site. <p>You can even print out the quesitonaires from this site for you both to fill out.<p>Now that I've totally confused you, I'll explain what all this means.<p>The basic principle of MB is that both parties should be happy! And that using these principles you can both be happy! So if that is what your wife really wants, then she should try this out.<p>Now, you may want to jump start the processwith a counseling session from Steve Harley - good motivator - to get you started on a plan to get your marriage back on track, but you can do it yourself if you do the reading and put in the work.<p>Find out about terms like Emotional Needs and post on the EN board with questions. Harley says that the marriage can be better than ever imaginable and they have the stats to prove it - you just have a plan to meet each other's EN(emotional needs).<p>It sounds like you have a great future in front of you, so start reading! K

Gris,<p>Oh boy.... I haven't been back here in quite some time to this site... It is sad to think that probably one of my first posts is so close to what you have written (could be called plagerism!). Saddly what you are hearing from your wife and what you are going through is much more common than you would even want to believe.<p>Me and my X (yes X, we are divorced now) met in college, dated for 4 years and were married for 5. I am 31, she is 28. She, just like your wife, also held so much inside. She, like your wife, also had serious problems from childhood. My X swore to me up and down that there was no one else. But after a while I started smelling "smoke".... sure enough I found out after we separated that there was someone else. But it was an emotional affair, not a physical one - so in her mind it wasn't an affair because "nothing happened".... Well looking back now, I kind of wish that it was a physical affair that happened once... That way she could have realized it for what it was, admitted to it, and then maybe worked to save our marriage.<p>Our divorce was 100% "her" choice... I really just went along for the ride... I made sure to get a good attorney and I protected myself, all the while working, PRAYING, doing whatever I could to save my marriage (all the way up to the day of the divorce). - AND I MADE SURE MY LAWYER KNEW THAT. Keep in mind that most lawyers are out "to win" for their client... That means the advice they give may be the best for court, but the worst for your life and your marriage. Don't use your attorney as a weapon (if it comes to that).<p>My X knew that I did not believe in divorce nor did I want one. To this day I still get mad here and there, but never did I allow the anger in to my heart. Don't succumb to the anger! It will try to enter your life, I promise you... Don't misunderstand me, if you feel anger, don't suppress it, just try and work through it - don't hold on to it AND DON'T ACT OUT OF IT. You will regret it one day... And anger will only be a huge hurdle if there is a chance you two will get back together...<p>Just as I didn't want to hear something like this when I was where you are now at, I know you probably don't want to hear this either... but you need to hear it... <p>WHATEVER happens, you will survive...<p>You will get better and you will one day be happy again. If you don't get back together, it isn't the end of happiness for you. Sure the pain of the marriage and divorce will resurface ever now and then (still does for me), but time will lessen its effects. What worked best for me was to face and work through each emotion as they surfaced (and there will be a lot of them!)... I used to relate it to being strapped in a rollercoaster car and not being allowed to get out... up and down - up and down go your emotions... But after time, the downs become less and less. THE PAIN WILL GO. I promise.<p>Now this may sound somewhat negative, but it is not meant to be... You need to hope and PRAY and work for the 'best', but at the same time plan for the worst.<p>I'm not sure where you or your wife are at in your spiritual life, but prayer will work... IT really will. It may not bring what you WANT, but it will always bring what YOU NEED. I prayed day and night for my wife to come back, until on night I stopped and put it all in His hands. From that day forward, I still prayed for my wife to come back, but more I prayed for Him to work in my life.
Saddly my X never came back and she just got re-married in December (our divorce was final May 2001)... She still is in the fog and lost... I feel sad for her, I really do...<p>It took a while for me to get back "to me", but I can finally say that I am about 98% there. Two months ago I have met a wonderful woman and things between us are going well. I will be very sure to take things slow (as will she) - we are both divorced and have both been through the "ringer" but we are both open to trying again...<p>Do all you can to save your marriage but you really need to "let her go" for right now. For both of your sakes... She needs to feel the freedom of being on her own so she can hopefully find the strength to come back home. You need to take this time to evaluate your own life and who you are... Use the time to work on "you". Be strong. Show her that you care, but don't get sappy.<p>It can go either way - just always remember that whatever way it does go, YOU will get through it all and you will be happy one day down the road...<p>God Bless you and your wife...
Mike

Yep, <p>Been there done that!<p>Wife of 3 years moved out 3 months after our 1st child was born. We were stressed with the huge change in our life but welcomed our new addition to the family. But the responcibilities were too much too bare so she moved in with her mother and sisters. I had asked to go to councilling to work out our problems, at 1st she said no. After weeks of begging she finally came along.
Only problem she wasn't receptive, wasn't willing to comprimise.
She also had some childhood trauma's. Parents had divorced, past abusive relationships and teen pregancy that she had aborted.
She called one evening to talk to me. So I meet her in a neutral place for coffee. So she tells me she LOVES me but NOT IN LOVE with me.
After a year and a half of seperation, divorce in pending, nasty child custody battles I can tell you this.
Their will probably be a special place in her heart for you always, but she doesn't want to be with you.
I hope I'm wrong for your sake my friend,
Just be glad you didn't have a child, because children in marriages do not fix things. Don't let anyone tell you things will get better if you have kids. <p>Good luck buddy,