Yesterday they (new wife and the baby) came home after 10 days of hospital. xH pick them with a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee worth $ as my flat. He also has a new model of Mercedes and a new Golf IV. Everything for queen mother and the prince.
In the same time Ds and me haven't get payment for this month (usually till 8th of the month), my car has to be changed cause needs a lot of fuel and is old, my mother is in hospital waiting a surgery cause of ca....
He visited her every day in the hospital, filmed miles of tape with camera and when I gave birth to YD he came last day to take me home only, I was the only one whose husband didn't come.
And when I talked with kids about that OD told me that he never loved me and YD said that it's right and he had every right to be like that and that I didn't need nothing-my problem.
And my mother's op is delayed cause of her trombocyte number and I have to take care of her and dad every day, with no help of anyone.
Noone of exILs did call me to ask if I needed some help or at least to invite kids to one dinner (to make me easier ).
Even OD from time to time makes dinner but only for herself or maybe for YD but for me nothing.<p>Do you see any reason for living.
YD blackmails me with "going to live with dad in autumn""he and OW are so nice" I want to send her to him right now but of course I am mother,the witch.<p>I can hardly think of any future life, of any light in all that mess.
And I still every single day think of the possibilities I had two yrs ago and the wrong moves I made and how it could be different if I wasn't so crying and begging. And I remember nice things from the past and nice days we had
And i only want my past back my family everything for what I was working thru 20yrs so hard.
Why is this happening?
Why did he want a baby with her and made me abort our twins in 1990.
And didn't want a baby 3 yrs ago when I realy wanted one.
Why is he now living completely opposite than with me .
He was always family man claiming he did everything for us his family-and now in this enjoys her, who didn't contribute anything to . And he is aware of that but he doesn't care.
Why?
Why did he marry me if he didn't ever love me? I wasn't pushing then, I sware.
Why he made Maja when he didn't love me?
Why can't I stop thinking and living in the past?
Why can't I live in peace with kids? All we do is to argue the whole day long every day. So it's not strange that YD wants to live with them.
Why it takes so long for me to accept the reality?
Why the things are going better everyday for them and worse for me?
I am not ideal but what was so wrong with me, why was I good only to be used in hard times, for earning something from nothing and then thrown away?
Why can't I stop loving him?
Why can't I stop thinking of him?
Why I miss him still so much?<p>So many questions and no answers, no future, no happiness, no peace.<p>More and more I think how the world would be better and everyone satisfied, even kids, if I'd disappear. Noone can understand that after all that happened I can love him and want him back, noone.
Noone can understand how hard is to live alone,when noone loves you or need you, even kids don't need me and love him and OW and of course new brother.
Thanks for listening. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: betrayed and desperate ]</p>

quote: Do you see any reason for living.
Yes - you owe it to yourself to pick yourself up and carry on living your life. He hardly sounds like the perfect person so why should you destroy yourself over this man?? I don't have children and I also am alone... but I'm not going to stop living. Things have to get better. Don't ask your daughters about OW it will drive you crazy, hard as it is try not to dwell on you XH and OW and their life. <p>It must also be difficult for your daughters to see you with all this pain. Try to not dwell on the negative, when they see that you are happier they will be more positive towards you. I think they should be supporting you, but maybe it is just difficult for them too. <p>B&D I really hope things look up for you soon...<p>Love and care
Pantha

No one has answers to your questions. Life can be harsh sometimes, but you are not alone in having life throw you a few curve balls. Parents get sick, kids dump on their parents, relationships go bad, cars break down, and toilets back up when you are running late...it just plain sucks sometimes...BUT...the one thing you can count on is yourself. Stop thinking of yourself as a poor victim. As long as you do, you will never feel better and will be a victim. Attitude is everything. Kids are very smart...as long as you keep moping about with a bad attitude, they are going to treat you as such. You have a choice right now to either continue acting like a victim or you can show your daughters that you are an intelligent woman who can survive all this and come out okay. Kids will gravitate toward the parent who is going to provide some kind of security for them. Do you think your girls feel good when they see their mom falling apart daily? I know how my kids were when I was depressed, crying, and out of it...they were horrible. Once, I got myself out of the blue funk I was in, they got better. I don't care if they think I'm witch at times...I'm their mother and being a witch at times is part of the job description. Most kids of divorce will play the game of I want to go with the other parent when you try to discipline them, etc. I tell my boys, go right on ahead. They back down every time. They know now that I won't play that game anymore. Yes, it is hard. Yes, you get your feelings crushed...but that is the way it is at the moment. All you can do is give it your best. <p>It seems that you are in love with an image of who you thought your ex was. You may not agree, but you are better off without him. Why would you want to stay with someone who treated you so poorly. Stand up for yourself. You deserve to have the man in your life treat you with love and understanding...be there for you...rub your shoulders when you are tired or hold your hand when you are upset. Most humans do not find neediness an attractive quality...so don't be.<p>I hope that one morning you wake up, look in the mirror, and say enough...I'm going to stop being everyone's door mat and start thinking about nurturing myself. Forget your ex and his new family. Concentrate on building a new life for yourself. No, it won't be easy, but it won't be any harder than what you have already gone through. The best is yet to come. Honest.

I know where you are right now! I am living with the same thoughts. But what I am trying to do is tell myself the only people I would hurt by disappering would be my 4 children. Yes, I fight with mine everyday also...they say mean hateful things and I cry. But seriously think about it disappearing on them. What type of emotional trama and self blaming would they put themselves through if something like that happened? This is what I think about when I get to this point. I have cried every day for a month or so, I am in counseling, I am on Zoloft and a light tranquilzer. But please email me let's talk. I am feeling the same way at times. Maybe we can help each other out. cgarcia@mahoneygroup.com

B&D...<p>Hang on... yes life is worth living. Don't do anything that can't be reversed... like taking your life. I too have times where I would like to disappear... but all we would do is take the emotional pain with us. <p>My youngest does the "I'm going to live with dad" thing..... I FINALLY told him..."I will never stand in the way of your happiness... so if you want to go, you can go" the other thing I asked was that he give some notice so I could break my lease and get a smaller place. I just decided to stop giving in to his demands and his threats. So, I haven't heard it for sometime now.<p>I be the first to admit that its shi**y seeing the ws living the life of leisure... my ex travels all over with the ow... takes her here and there... and when she comes to visit, she sleeps in my bedroom... uses my sink in the bathroom etc...etc.... but know what I think.... shes living with my ghost... yep... i was the one who pick out EVERYTHING in that house....and even picked out where the heat registers went to the light switches... what I think about is... what does she think when she sees my childrens bedrooms empty..... SHAME ON THEM !!!<p>B&D... stand tough... keep your chin up.... like all the others say.... take care of yourself... I truly feel that in time this relationship/marriage hes in is going to fail.... after all, it was built on lies...cheating and stealing......but in the mean time... get tough !!!!
Don't take the threats from your daughters... don't listen to them when they say mean things to you..... just go outside and try to ignore them... I know this is hard... It makes you cry... I've been where you are.....<p>Keep posting here..... don't give up hope !!<p>I know how hard it is......<p>s

I wish I knew something to say that would make it better for you. Unfortunately I don't. I do hope that you find some peace soon. I will pray for you.
Elizabeth

B&D,<p>You know better than that. YES, your life is worth living!! You just need to get out of the past!! Sweetie....you are STUCK big time and it's killing you! There are no answers....NO ANSWERS...to all the why's you ask. If there was, none of us would be here. You are being sucked down by the circumstances around you just like quicksand.<p>You have to try something different...you have to get into counseling or something. We wouldn't all be at this site if we didn't understand the h*ll you are going thru!! And you've been going thru it a looooong time! It's time to stop.<p>Please, just try to stop focusing on "them" and start focusing on YOU! You need someone (counselor or pastor or someone) who can help you thru this...day by day. Please make an effort to find that someone in the flesh and blood that can help you.<p>You know how I stopped caring about my H? I STOPPED CARING. I just stopped. Every time I thought about him and her and him and the past and the future and the h*ll he caused....I STOPPED myself from completing the thought. I actually said the word "STOP!" outloud sometimes. <p>I also pictured myself laying that thought or concern or whatever, right at the foot of the cross. And then I had to leave it there. Every time I picked up that thought....I pictured myself laying it right back down.<p>It takes a long time to stop the "feelings" of caring...heck I still have them some days. But they aren't eating me alive, like they are you.<p>There are so many people worried about you here, B&D....do you know that!?!?! You owe it to yourself to live...your life has meaning and although you can't see it now, it does!! DO NOT ALLOW "THEM" TO STEAL IT FROM YOU!!!!! And do keep choosing to live in "their" world. <p>My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Aloha,
Ms.O

Thank you all,
I know you all are so right when claiming about what can/have to I make/change BUT (the word what Leilana specially hated about me) it is so hard to do.
I am for sure among that small percentage of woman who think they can't survive alone. I know it's not modern, anyway I feel like that. I can only see how all my life (not ever too easy) so hardly made, fall apart into 1000 pieces and I am at the beginning once more , this time alone, in fact with a lot of more obligations and much older and with less future possibilities ahead.
This morning when I read in local paper published in large letters: "name of the baby, HIS surname: son of OW and xH" i again was crushed. Even I know everything and expected that.
And yesterday when I came home found out that my YD immediately after school was picked up by dad and was with them till late in the evening (obviously he doesnot go to work these days-he can behave like that cause he is the owner of a large company-again the way he didn't do when with me: after birth I had to take care of him, the daughter who has just started primary school and gis grandfather of 90yrs with no help of anyone, immediately: cook, clean, iron, homework,baby...)<p>Pantha
i know it's difficult for the girls also but I think they should show some care and can be of little practic help. <p>HappyMac
You are right I feel like a victim and kids doesn't like that. It hurts that they don't blame him for anything and like him and OW so much, I want to think cause he is so rich but maybe cause he IS a better person. For sure he is always in a good moode, no problems, just fun.
I said enough 100 times and 101st I drowned again.
Want to believe in yours: the best is to come BUT please do not forget I am 43+, 2adult kids, no money, not as pretty as OW....<p>Whatcanido
I can hardly imagine this life + 4 kids. With probably less troubles I am crying each day for 2+ yrs. Can't stop. Even think of being psychotic (I am MD).<p>scoick
Yout time frame=my time frame. The greates difference: you live your life, you made a progress, the boys can see that, they haven't accepted OW. My OW sleeps in MY bed and believe me doesn't care for that, she will have to put a baby in one girl?s bedroom cause the flat in the house has only two rooms for kids (planned and biult 10yrs ago), whose will she choose? Believe me SHE and HIM are not thinking of me any time - they changed all the furniture 6months after he kicked me out of the large house into small flat (except bedroom and bed). In the one and only phone talk I had with her she claimed she enjoyed my bed so much and had no idea of changing it.<p>justthewife
thanks for prayers.
Ive read yours "It is good for people to feel bad about things and not bury everything, but at a certain point it is time to take another pill (I'm good at that) and realize that there is always hope, and that things can get better with time and time and a tiny bit of faith" and I realy hope you're right.<p>MsO
like alwas you are so encouraging. I admire your strength. I had/have no strength ever. I was used for him to take care of me. I was keeping home and kids. That was my first obligation. The second was job (I made phD, become [censored] prof the day after he told me abou OW and 5 month after we were separated-my dreams fall apart)-we had so many planneswhere will we travel, what will we do when the company become stronger and me made my academic degrees. And when the day came BUUUUUM he was/is doing all that but with OW, not me. And MY blood is in that house, company, cars....But hedenies evyrything.
I can hardly imagine their relationship with no any real problem, just opposite with finally a wanted son, yr who will keep on business one day....., can ever brake and we can ever be together.
Someone wrote that 10 yrs is an average oftime in which most of these relationship/marriages fall. I'll wait.
I still feel loving him so much, so I'll wait.
You are right, I am obsessed with them and the fact is (what my OD repeats) they don't care a bit of me. They do not even think of me, never ever.

B&D:<p>I haven't forgotten you are 43. Big deal, so am I. No, no one likes to start over at 43. I sure didn't, but guess what? I had to and did so. <p>Last year this time, I was in the throes of a terrible, hateful divorce. I was working part time, didn't have a car, and had negative money. I had two boys who were angry at me and blamed me for everything. My ex tried to strangle me. He was also trying to put me out of my house...he had already closed all of our accounts and threatened to do something nasty on a weekly basis. He wouldn't give me a dime towards the kids. When my son wasn't doing well in school he forwarded the progress report to his lawyer and tried to say I was an unfit mother. It was not a fun time.<p>I never thought about giving up. I was responsible for two kids and myself. I was not going to crash and burn, so I focused on getting a good job. I got one. I bought a house...it was terrifying, but I did it. The kids still give me trouble, but they see what a little determination can do. I started taking better care of myself and I am now at peace with things. I don't need anyone to take care of me. <p>Who cares if the OW is prettier...looks are superficial. There are plenty of pretty packages out there, but without substance pretty can get boring fast. Besides, what one person sees as gorgeous, someone else sees the person as okay. The trick is to do the best with what you have. What is attractive has a lot more to do with what is on the inside. You know this...I know you do. <p>The kids will understand and see in time what happened. Give them some credit...this divorce happened to them too. As time goes on, they will see. Right now, you aren't approachable to talk about things, so they go off with their father. Things with him probably are less stressful...I have no doubt they worry about you, but you are their mother, the person who is supposed to be nurturing them. <p>Stop torturing yourself. Don't read the birth announcements...focus on what it is that is going to make you feel good about yourself. Bury the past. Don't read stats on when marriages, second, third, or born of an affair, will last. Life is precious, don't waste another second waiting for a ghost. Life is full of possibilities...and choices. Don't be buried in the past and in your misery to let those possibilities pass you by. Remember attitude is everything...you are at your best at 43; you will be even better at 44!<p>[

HappyMac,
I like your screen name.
Thanks for encouraging words.
You are mostly right, BUT it really hurts to hear from your own D (and she is 20) that "dad never loved you" "I live here cause I have no other place"(not truth [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ad offered her the whole floor of his house, completely separate flate)"you are 5 days good and 10 days awful"....
and to see other D how quick she is in going to him every possible moment, EVERY weekend for last 6months, and even after school from the moment her brother came home and how satisfied she is with OW and the whole new family. All that came suddenly, she was hard bounded with me , much more than OD.
And I am aware that I am simply said JELLOUS on her cause she "didn't move her tail" (like we here use to say-can't translate) to build a house, company......my bed she sleeps in....and she even quit her job, not doing NOTHING about housekeeoping, neither cooking, everything he does or have housemades and I always worked hard to earn those things (from zero) and now when we should start to enjoy she/he kicked me out, has a new marriage, baby-all in 2 yrs.
It happened too quick...and all additional events, not one positive ....to much in a hort time. (at least for me).<p>I do not see any possibility for now and unfortunately can not imagine my future life without him, and still think of him like my one and only H.
Anyway thank you for giving me hope.