Here is a link to one of Mudder’s posts to RWC’s thread entitled Question for christians concerning sex.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum5/HTML/000944.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum5/HTML/000944.html</A> <P>Mudder, the only words that came to mind after reading your post were “HOLLY MACKEREL”<P>If you could retrace your steps and paten a plan that would produce consistent results such as this, you could enjoy financial rewards that would make Bill Gates look destitute.<P>I certainly think that for a metamorphosis like this to occur that a healthy marital relationship is a must, but there must have been other factor’s involved as well. What were they? Was it something that you did, or did this blessing just fall into your lap?<P>My marriage has come a long ways in the last three months. I do have some idea’s to execute that will hopefully increase our sexual passion, but I feel that our marriage is 3-6 months away before it is ready for this.<P> <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Scott

I had no plan and to a large degree I was just fortunate. The one thing I did start doing was taking my wife away on trips with out the kids. Our first such trip was for our 10th anniversary and we spent a week in Jamaica on the cheap. As I recall (it is amazing that us guys can remember stuff like this)on that trip was the FIRST time my wife ever initiated sex. The question she asked me about fantasies happend on our third trip. We travel alot and do get-away weekends as often as our schedules allow. So I guess making time even if it is at home with the kids at a grandmas to be together alone is an important ingrediant in a healthy relationship.<P>One other thing. Make sure you are not doing the getaway to get sex. If she gets a whiff that that is your motivation your sunk. After all these years I would rather spend time with my wife then anyone else in the world.

I’ve seen posts from several different people here lately that are expressing a desire to increase their level of satisfaction in their sex life. We all seem to be at different levels. For the sake of simplicity, I would like to illustrate sexual satisfaction by defining breaking it down into 4 levels.<P>Level 1 -Very little or no sex. Unsatisfying or unpleasant sex.<P>Level 2 Just enough sex or satisfaction to eliminate our feelings of being neglected sexually.<P>Level 3 - For the most part satisfied, but you know that there can be more.<P>Level 4 - You and your spouse are tuned into each other both emotionally and sexually and are meeting each others desires and “monogamous based” fantasies with enthusiasm.<BR> <BR>I have made the mistake in the past by attempting to increase my level of satisfaction without regards to the state of my marriage. This is a formula for disaster. I have thought for many years that if I could only have a more satisfying sexual relationship then I would be more satisfied with my marriage. Wrong answer. <P>Levels 1 and 2 have more to do with frequency, but quality is certainly a factor. If you find yourself at these levels than your marriage is probably in the state of conflict and one of you may be in the state of withdrawal.<P>Sgr32, You have made what you feel to be a substantial effort to love and care for your wife. Who in your position would feel like they were on the receiving end when your spouse does not respond to your gestures? I don’t agree with you on your opinion that yours wife’s weight has caused her to withdrawal from you. Try to focus your efforts to meet your wife’s needs, not what you think that they are. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that most of what you have been doing would not be on her list of top 5 emotional needs.<P>Nothismother, I know exactly how you feel when your request for sex is turned down night after night. My pulse would almost double as I was trying to muster enough courage to ask. Take a look at what state your marriage is in, intimacy, conflict, or withdrawal. You have got to work on your marriage first. As long as your marriage is in withdrawal you have zero chance of resolving this conflict. <P>Levels 3 and 4 would tend to be present in healthier marriages. I chose to reference Mudder’s post because it portrayed a ten year old marriage and their satisfaction level jumped to level 4 and this is very unique in my opinion. Dr Harley emphasizes learning to be an expert at meeting each other’s most important marital needs. The definition of expert is- having or showing knowledge and skill and aptitude. When Mudder’s wife asked him about his fantasies she was taking the initiative to acquire the knowledge needed to become an expert. Most wives would never do this. <P>My questions are as follows:<P>Assuming that your marriage is in a healthy state, how do you motivate your spouse to become enthusiastic about engaging in wilder and more passionate sex when they are already performing beyond the limits of their sexual needs? <P>When a marriage has been revitalized how long does it take for the scars to heel before both partners can be 100 % in touch with each other?<P>Everyone’s comments and opinions would be appreciated.<P> <P><BR> <P><P>------------------<BR>Scott